Sonic Insanity

Ho ho ho ho ho… I'm still laughing about how people fell for that. Anyway, review.

The clash between Shadow and Sonic is now! Review, all right?

And I did come up with that Xemnas- Sex Man thing. I was just realizing how Xemnas is Ansem with an X in it, so I began to look for other, cooler letter combinations cause Xemnas is just stupid. I came up with Man, and then S, E, and X just fell into place.

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"Well, I guess we might as well fight," Shadow concluded bitterly as Sonic walked up to him. "We better make it quick, though, or Bam will destroy the world."

"All fanfiction character fights start with a dance-off," Sonic said slyly, gyrating his pelvis. "Lean with it and rock with it, yo! Oh, I think they like that! You're too much for them! Uh-uh! Don't hit 'em with that one-two step, Sonic! Drop it like it's hot!" He ceased dancing, as Shadow was now resplendent with rage.

"Sonic," Shadow said in a choked mutter, "if you ever attempt to speak 'ghetto' again…"

"Why? Scared you won't be able to beat me?" sneered Sonic. "Come on! Put your hands in the air!"

Shadow reluctantly moved his hands out of their defensive position to put them in the air. Immediately Sonic dashed forward and kicked him in the gut.

"You said a dance-off!" howled Shadow, in a towering fury as he got up.

"Hah! You fell for that old one? What a has-been!" chuckled Sonic, happy that he'd gotten the first hit in. "Or more like a never-was…been! Ho ho! Chortle mirth! Funny stuff guffaw! Laugh humorous!"

"That wasn't a word," Shadow spat, "and I don't want to hear any of your idiotic laughter!"

"Next is the battle of words, or insulting contest," Sonic continued blithely, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

"Why are you doing that?" Shadow asked A. Smile, who was wrenching on Sonic's mouth so hard that it seemed about to come off. (Oh, great, Tweedle Dumbass will get upset at this one…)

"Curses! Well, one day they won't catch me at it," sulked Alexander Smile, creeping off into a corner.

"This contest should be a breeze," Shadow smirked. "I'm the master of dark, ironic wordplay."

"Well, perhaps," Sonic conceded. "But I was very cynical as a child."

Flashback…

"As you can see from this diagram," the teacher said, pointing to her shopping list, "marijuana is a very bad substance. They call it 'dope' for a reason."

All the little second graders laughed, including Sonic.

"Hah ha! That's so priceless!" Sonic exclaimed, thwacking his desk with mirth. When none of his classmates got the joke, he belabored to explain it to them. "You see, children, instead of teaching us that the reason marijuana is called 'dope' is because it contains the chemical dopamine, or 'dope' for short, our teacher would rather force-feed us propaganda about the evils of drugs. Therefore, marijuana isn't called 'dope' because only dopes would use it, but because it contains a chemical with an easily abbreviated name."

"But she was right!" pointed out a little girl. "It is called 'dope' for a reason, but she didn't say what reason!"

Sonic turned bright scarlet, his fists clenched. "SHUT UP! I'll prove that teacher wrong someday! SOMEDAY, I tell you!"

"Sonic, you say that every half an hour," Knuckles snarled at him.

End flashback…

"Yeah?" Shadow said belligerently, thrusting out his chin. "Well, I was quite the little critic in my day!"

Flashback…

Shadow, a fat little toddler with pants pulled up almost to his chin with little suspenders to hold them up, wearing a white shirt with a bow tie and a little propeller cap, was toddling around eating an ice cream cone.

"Oh, what a luvverly day!" he sang in a high-pitched voice, helping an old woman across the street and kicking her groceries into oncoming traffic. "The sun is in full bloom, the sky is showing only gradual wind velocities, and the clouds…"

End flashback…

But we would never hear what the clouds were doing, because Shadow was in a temper.

"I'm supposed to have the flashback!" he bellowed furiously as Sonic laughed. "Not your made-up stories about me!"

Sonic was wheezing on the floor, about to bust a gut. "Oh man… a little propeller cap and suspenders... AHAHAHAUUUUUUUUUGH!" Shadow had just ripped out most of his quills with his bare hands. "It hurts, Mama! I don't want any more watermelon, just get my quills back… Mama?" He passed out in a weary heap.

"Get up!" Shadow shouted, punting him in the side to wake him up. "There's more battles to be had!"

"Like what?" Sonic said groggily.

"Like the Free-Style Contest!" Shadow pointed out angrily.

"Oh yeah," Sonic said, even though no such contest existed. "Well, you go first."

Shadow realized that he had backed himself into a corner. "Um… all right, let's go!" He began to come up with a rap.

"Um… I really loathe Rob Schneider. I don't think he could be any snider. If his ego gets any wider… I'll run him over in my low rider. Or I might get a poisonous spider… and make it bite that hack Rob Schneider." He hurled his poetry book at a horde of booing crowd people. "OK, I'm not that good!"

"Hmm… all right," Sonic mused. He began to rap freely. "You got to stick with your friends cause life isn't fair, getting cops and gang members out of your hair, cause friendship on the streets is ridiculously rare, you got to have your back covered when the blood is in the air, cause you know it for sure that no one else is gonna care, no one else is gonna find food for all of you to share, and real friendship is something that's beyond compare, so if you're thinking about letting them go, beware."

"Hey, not bad!" Knuckles said, showing up. "We should cut a demo! I'll be DJ Spike Fist and I'll do beats. Tails can be Lil Hustler, and he can put together some samples. Shadow can be our lyricist, or Superlative Bookish. Last but not least, Sonic can be MC Grind, our vocalist and rapper! We'll get a record deal at Columbia Records and get our album produced by Rick Rubin. Our first single can be, 'Respect My Ghetto Anthem.' We'll sell out and make millions!"

There was an instant uproar.

"Why don't I have a good name?" whined Shadow furiously.

"Why do I have to join this stupid group anyway?" Tails inquired.

"I wanna go SOLO!" shouted Sonic angrily.

"I don't want to be involved in this madness!" Rick Rubin cried, pulling out fistfuls of his awesome beard in his agitation.

"Fine," Knuckles said coldly. "Looks like DJ Spike Fist is in this all by himself! SOMEDAY… SOMEDAY!" He disappeared in a whirl of smoke (meaning that he ran away after dropping a match on the floor).

"Anyway," Sonic said grimly, "back to the bat-"

"We can't have a battle now!" Tails cried, as Rick Rubin sauntered away. "Bam is causing all sorts of damage to the city!"

"So? Let him," Shadow shrugged.

"And he destroyed Wally's Rib Shack!"

The reaction of the two hedgehogs was markedly different. Shadow began to rave about what an excellent man this Bam must be, and Sonic screamed wordlessly, his eyes fiery.

"I hated that place!" exclaimed Shadow. "Bam should get a medal of honor! I'll make him my Chairman of the Bored, buy him a couple drinks, and we can start a slave empire together!"

"I can't believe he destroyed Wally's Rib Shack!" Sonic wailed in anguish, punching the ground. "This means eternal massacres and wars spanning generations! Our descendants will fight brutal, pitched conflicts all over the face of this battle-scarred earth until neither of us remains! Oh, Wally's Rib Shack… why did he take you from me?"

"You only like Wally's Slop Grotto because I hate it!" Shadow snarled. "What an emotional prost-"

"T RATING! T RATING!" shrieked Tails frenetically.

"Er… emotional prost…rate cancer victim," Shadow rectified hastily.

"That's not good enough!" Tails grumbled. "You'll help Sonic defeat Bam… or else!"

"Or else what?" Shadow sneered.

"Have you ever seen Sin City?" Tails questioned. Sonic shrieked at him that he was too young to watch it.

"Yeah," Shadow told him.

"Well, imagine all that, happening to you," Tails sniped. "Without the scantily clad women."

"You'd do that?" Shadow gasped, wide-eyed. Not that he was afraid of all the vicious, ruthless tortures, murders, castrations-by-hand, instances of cannibalism, decapitation, mutilations and suicides. No, he was just afraid of being subjected to Josh Hartnett, Elijah Wood, and Brittany Murphy all in one movie. Talk about grouping all your talent in one place (or lack thereof).

"No, I'd add some Ben Affleck in for good measure," Tails hissed.

Ten minutes later, they were on their way.

"Did you at all wonder how a midget girly fox would be able to put you through so much pain?" Sonic asked.

"No," Shadow said smugly, as if this was a triumph for him.

"…You're a fool."

They pulled up outside Wally's Rib Shack, which had a large smoking crater in the roof. Ignoring Shadow's pleas for help, all four of them (Knuckles had gotten out of his failed rap career funk to assist them) ran in. Parked in the drive-thru line was Bam's tank.

"Seven dollars for a medium Coke?" he was bellowing into the intercom as he fired missiles at the restaurant. "I'll give you 'fifteen percent for taxes!' Take that!" A massive volley of explosives detonated, forming a fiery cloud visible from Jupiter.

"I'm sorry, sir, but your destruction of the restaurant is only going to add to your total payment," the voice wearily replied, as the roof caved in and formed a noxious dust cloud that blocked any visibility on the road. Huge pile-ups of cars ensued, Sonic's car almost one of them.

"All right, Bam, that's enough!" Knuckles growled furiously, ducking as a missile went over his head and destroyed a Barnes & Noble.

"Enough?" cackled Bam as his crew laughed. "I'm only getting started! Your friend Chronic the Wedgie Dog over there knew what he was getting himself into when he got us that tank in the first place!"

"That was the fourth worst nickname I've ever heard!" Sonic roared. "And you will be too when I'm done with you!"

"Wait, what?" asked Bam, nonplussed at this imbecilic excuse for an insult. At that moment, all four Sonic team members acted at once.

Knuckles plowed through Bam's crew, batting them aside like bowling pins (with sound effects, too). He dove under two missiles from Bam's tank and swatted the vehicle high into the air.

Sonic performed his Homing Attack off of the members of Bam's crew and kicked Bam out of the tank before it was launched into the air by Knuckles.

Tails flew to the airborne tank and removed all its ammunition in midair, using his mechanical expertise to help.

Shadow used Chaos Control to get into the air. As soon as Tails had removed the tank's ammo, Shadow grabbed the tank, used Chaos Control, disappeared for a moment along with the tank, and then reappeared without the tank.

"It was so precious to me!" sobbed Bam, kicking and screaming on the ground and ignoring the injuries of his crew. "Why… WHY?"

"Because Wally's Rib Shack was a good place," Sonic declared virtuously. "Perhaps overpriced and with D-grade meat, and the sauce was watery and too salty, but they deserved to be on this earth."

"Speak for yourself, fakir," Shadow spat.

"HEY? Did you call me a faker?" Sonic rumbled.

"No, I called you a fakir," Shadow snickered. "You know, the Indian people who lie on beds of nails?"

"Oh yeah…"

"Can't believe you didn't know that, fakir…"

"HEY!"

So, all was back to normal. Shadow was finding excuses to insult Sonic, Sonic was miserable due to something or other, a fast food restaurant was a smoking wasteland, the antics of the four heroes had caused millions of dollars of collateral damage, Bam was in jail, and a tank had just appeared in an Albanian youth hostel. Yes, everything was as it once was.

"SONIC! Guess what we're doing today!" sang Amy, waltzing in through the front door.

Well, perhaps not everything.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah, review. Oh yeah, and April 23rd is now National System of a Down Appreciation Day.