Sonic Insanity

If I reach 100 chapters (unlikely, but possible) I will take a break for a while, but I may not stop writing. I'll continue this story for as long as I still have faithful readers (and reviewers, hint hint) and I have good ideas.

To Justin Time: I think in one of the earlier chapters, Knuckles mentioned that he had found the Master Emerald but he liked it better at Sonic's house. Perhaps for the sequel, should there be one, Knuckles might go back to Angel Island… or maybe the sequel could be like this one, except instead of all at Sonic's house, they're on Angel Island and other stuff… I don't know… about Super Knuckles, I wasn't planning on it.

SOAD does not suck! Give me one good reason that they do. Better yet, explain why one of their NON-SINGLE SONGS sucks. That excludes BYOB and Hypnotize, by the way.

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Sonic bounded up the stairs, feeling the footsteps of his pursuer close behind him. At the landing, he pushed off the wall and jumped right back down the stairs, over his predator's head. At the foot of the stairs, he ran down the hall, desperate to get out of the house, where he couldn't be trapped…

A door opened and he ran straight into it, almost concussing himself. Sonic spilled down the hall, tripping over carpets and flailing his arms in a useless attempt to keep running. His heel landed on the rim of a frying pan, sending the piece of cookware flying into the air and hitting him in the back of the head. He was lifted off his feet and went sailing into the front door, crushing it to splinters and falling down the front steps. The lawn sprinklers shot water onto him, only making him more slippery. Sonic rolled down the incline of the driveway, spilling into the road and getting run over by a passing car. A small flock of canaries landed by his head, chirped amongst themselves, and obediently began to circle around his head while tweeting happily.

As bruised and damaged as he was, Sonic tottered to his feet, in total disarray. He was soaking wet, splinters were everywhere, the back of his head was dented in, so was his face, his back felt like it was broken, and his fingers weren't moving. But such physical imparities were trivial compared to the pink, hammer-bearing threat closing in on him. With a yelp, Sonic quickly clawed his way up a tree, scrabbling for survival. He felt a hand close around his ankle and he savagely kicked it loose. Finally he got onto a sufficiently high branch and regained his breath.

He suddenly realized that his chaser was climbing up after him. Terror-stricken, he propelled himself desperately up the tree to the highest branch. As the tree ran out of branches, he began to lash and flail, shooting himself upwards due to sheer effort. A maddening crescendo of screeching violins and a booming brass section echoed in Sonic's head as his fingers tried to close around a handhold. He finally scrambled his way to the very top of the tree, perched precariously on a tiny twig. It was then that he noticed the problem.

He had chosen the tree most likely to fall over in the whole neighborhood. Not only that, but all the neighborhood cats were perched in it, on one branch. The imbalance of weight caused the tree to sway threateningly.

Sonic leaned in the opposite direction, trying to balance the weight. A couple cats couldn't weigh as much as him… oh wait, Big was a cat. So each cat probably weighed about twice as much as him.

"Hi, Sonic!" shouted Big, sitting on the branch along with his four-dozen other cat friends. At his command, every cat jumped in place at the same time.

With a sickening crack, the tree toppled over. The cats all abandoned ship, leaping from the tree and scampering away. Sonic was not so lucky. He fell down the tree, hitting every branch and bouncing heavily off of it. He landed in a wounded heap directly under the falling tree.

All the air was driven out of Sonic's lungs as the heavy oak landed right on top of him. His ribs began to break like matchsticks and blood filled his mouth. He began to squirm painfully to escape the tree, tears filling his eyes whenever he moved a broken body part.

"Oh, my beloved Sonikku!" Amy cried rapturously, plastering him with kisses almost as oppressive as the several tons of oak on top of him. With a casual motion, she tossed the tree off of him. Sonic was baffled. How could she launch a tree into the horizon with almost no effort? In the background, Shadow began to cackle evilly at Sonic's fate.

"Guess what we're doing today?" she repeated, a look of joyful innocence adorning her features. Sonic pulled out a machine gun and emptied its clip between her eyes, to absolutely no effect. "We're going to TWINKLE PARK!" (AN: I can't remember if it's Twinkie Park or Twinkle Park, so I'm going with the less preposterous of the two.)

Sonic sighed with relief. This wasn't as bad as it could be. At least Charmy hadn't heard (the little bee went psychotic at even the slightest mention of his favorite fairground), and he could easily lose her in such an enormous area. Even as heavily injured as he was, the rides of Twinkle Park might give him a fun, relaxing day.

"Twinkle Park? That sounds nice," he muttered. "Tails, can you get those bottles of Gatorade I put in the freezer?" In record time, the young fox retrieved the chilly beverages. Sonic placed them against his broken ribs, using them as makeshift icepacks. "Ah… that's so much better."

Amy gave him a huge hug, breaking even more of his ribs and filling him with sharp pain. "Oh, you're such a darling, Sonic! We'll have lots of fun, I promise!"

"Yeah, I'm sure," Sonic winced, reapplying his "ice packs" to his "six pack." (AN: Like he has either of those…) "Could you not hug me so hard? My ribs really hurt…"

"Oh, Sonic, don't be afraid of intimacy!" she giggled, applying another bone-crushing embrace. "We'll go in ten minutes, how about that?"

"Yeah, fine," Sonic agreed. "Let me just go get some stuff in the house, OK?"

"Sure!" she said. "But promise me that you won't try to sneak out of this!"

"I promise," Sonic announced, already running into the house. He didn't want to sneak out of an opportunity like this. As soon as he got on a roller coaster with Amy, they would be all alone in the car. Then he could shoot her and say that she'd had a heart attack on the ride! He could drop the gun off the tracks… but he remembered how he had shot the machine gun directly in her face and how nothing had happened. Would it work?

"I just need more firepower, that's all," he uneasily reassured himself. "And where better than to find guns than… SHADOW'S GUN SAFE?" He booted open the door to Shadow's bedroom to reveal a massive steel cabinet with about eighty locks. Using Shadow's universal remote, Sonic clicked them all open. For some of the harder ones he used lock picks and hacking skills. All in all it was about three or four minutes before he beheld the wide range of weaponry available to him.

Guns were everywhere. Machine guns, assault rifles, sniper rifles, pistols, silencers, grenade launchers, bazookas, shotguns, even some of the weird energy projectiles in Shadow's game. Along one side of the cabinet were all his sword-like items- stop signs, thin pieces of rubble, torches, ferns, lampposts, purple broadswords and more. He also had some real types of swords- katana, mace, shamshir, falchion, bastard sword, rapier, cutlass, keyblade, gunblade and saber. Thin curtains of bullet belts and bandoliers separated them all.

"I think I'll take these," Sonic said smugly, removing a sawed-off shotgun, a pistol, and an automatic machine gun. In case he had to fight against Amy's hammer, he took a shamshir and a keyblade, jamming them into his "pockets." "All right, I'm ready to go!"

Five minutes later, all five of them were in the car and ready to go. Sonic was driving, Amy was next to him, and Shadow and Knuckles were in the back. Tails was sitting in the trunk, but the trunk was connected to the interior of the car so he could still breathe and such.

"Remember that one sleepover we had and we all got in that big fight?" Knuckles said to Sonic and Shadow.

"Oh yeah, and when that little dork kid was thrown into that chandelier it fell down and woke up your dad, Knux?" Sonic mentioned.

"Yeah!" said Tails. "I got thrown into that chandelier and then it… fell down and… wait a minute, who threw me into that?" raged Tails.

"Uh, Tails, you weren't even there," Sonic told him rudely. "That was a different party."

"Yeah, that was the greatest fight ever," Shadow reminisced fondly. "So, basically, there were about ten or twelve of us and… hold on, why WERE we fighting?"

"Five of us wanted to see Terminator 2, five of us wanted to see Bikini Carwash 87, and one little kid wanted to see Forrest Gump," Knuckles mentioned.

"Yeah," Shadow went on. "So, we were all fighting, and this little kid stabs Knuckles right in the throat with a Sharpie. So Knuckles is bleeding all over the place and there's black Sharpie all over his neck and chest and he thinks he got blood poisoning."

"So then he goes up to the little kid- who was the same kid who wanted to watch Forrest Gump- and starts getting ready to hit him. And guess what the little kid says?" Sonic said.

Knuckles adapted a high, squeaky voice. "You're just trying to pick on me cause you think I'm weird! But I'm not weird, I'm unique!"

"So of course Knuckles just smashes him over the head and throws him into the chandelier," Shadow laughed. "And since there were already, like, six kids hanging from it, the added weight caused it to fall and land right on Tikal."

"So that's how she died!" Knuckles said in fascination, apparently unconcerned by the murder of his ancestor.

"No, that was back when she was already dead," Sonic said. "So she gets super pissed at us and puts a terrible curse on us all. But Knuckles' dad knew the cure and when he came upstairs, he saw what had happened and he cured us all. So we're not cursed anymore."

"Or are we? We-" Knuckles tried to say, before a pie hit him in the face. (Old timers should remember that joke!)

"But he was still mad at you guys, right?" Amy said, speaking for the first time.

"You bet he was mad!" Shadow chuckled. "He almost called the cops. We thought his veins would throb so much they would burst right through his head!"

"He didn't even see the half of it, about sixty other kids had tried to join in and we'd thrown them through the window!" Knuckles smiled.

They all sat there, in a rare moment of camaraderie. For once it appeared that Shadow and Sonic were not at each other's throats.

"Here we are!" Amy said, pointing out the window.

"Why do I suspect you just said that to alleviate the tension so there could be some comedy in the story soon?" Sonic asked skeptically. "We're not anywhere near Twinkle Park yet!"

"Well, you could have just said that instead of your conspiracy theories!" Amy sobbed, crying all over Sonic's meticulous directions on how to fold each and every one of his road maps. Sonic yanked them from her grasp, narrowly missing a milk truck. Both of these things only made her cry even more, and it was a very relieved Sonic that stepped out of the car into Twinkie Park a few minutes later.

"We'll take three adult tickets and two children's," Sonic said, as Amy and Tails were children.

"Why are you telling me this?" Shadow sneered, their friendship having evaporated during the car ride when Shadow had found out about the theft of his guns and swords.

Sonic muttered with indignity, walking over to the ticket booth and getting five tickets. Muttering even more, he paid the entire bill.

"I'll pay for your tickets," he scowled thunderously, "but I'm not going to pay for any candy or extra rides or things like that. You know why Team Chaotix is so poor? Because Charmy exhausts all their cash whenever they go to this park!"

With those ominous words, they entered the park.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch… meaning at Eggman's secret base, the fat doctor himself was concocting an evil plan. (It's been a while since we saw him!) Actually, he wasn't. He was talking to his therapist, while lying on a couch that must have been reinforced with titanium to support his weight.

"I tried doing everything you said, Doc," he said. "I tried losing weight, but that didn't work. I tried to focus my attention elsewhere, but-"

"Why are you talking to me?" Doctor Eggman inquired angrily. "I'm supposed to be telling that to you!' The therapist, looking mortified, quickly ducked behind his notebook and scribbled furiously.

"Anyway, I tried doing everything you said, Doc," Eggman said, eerily using the exact same words as his shrink. "I tried losing weight, but that didn't work. I tried to focus my attention elsewhere, but-" He broke off, pulled out a remote, and pressed it. Immediately several robots came in and carried a protesting Déjà Vu away.

"My life's a mess, Doc!" Eggman concluded sadly. "I still weigh 12,000 pounds! None of my evil schemes are working! My wife's ready to divorce!"

"What wife?" the therapist asked curiously.

In Metal Sonic's room…

"I've had enough of him," the robot stressed, wiping tears from his eyes. He removed his hair curlers, applied some lipstick and began throwing things into bags. "He can have all those robots and things he likes, but he's not getting my jewels and shoes and furs and purses, no way!"

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, meaning Eggman's therapist's offices…

"The only times my evil schemes ever even sort of work is when I'm targeting Sonic!" Eggman wailed.

"And even then they're failures," muttered the shrink.

"Well, they're all moral victories," Eggman explained in overwhelming detail. "Maybe I should try to create some kind of scandal about him… maybe I could go up to him and say, 'No, Sonic, I am your father!' Like in that movie…"

"No, but you should continue along the lines of targeting his parents," the shrink said.

"THAT'S IT!" Eggman shrieked, standing up.

"What?"

"I will successfully prove that Sonic's mother is a ham sandwich!" Eggman exclaimed blissfully.

As the therapist went through facial contortions due to his overwhelming rage at such an idiotic statement, Eggman began to pirouette around the room until his fat billowed around him like a dress. Finally sitting down, he seized the shrink's pad of paper and began making sketches and diagrams, with footnotes and labels aplenty. So began another fiendish plot.

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This chapter contained more of the 'old-school' humor that I experimented with in Chapter 46. I know it wasn't all that funny, but the humor should come in Twinkle Park and with Eggman's outlandish scheme. Anyway, please review.