Sonic Insanity

System of a Down is amazing. And what do you mean, your sister plays them? Does she play their songs on a guitar or something, or does she just listen to them? In either case, they're the best band ever.

600 reviews, thanks to everybody involved.

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Metal Sonic woke up, gazing blearily around. He was in the middle of the ocean, with enormous pillars of fire bursting from a blood-red sky down toward him. A fleet of men riding bird-like creatures was silhouetted against the two moons, and he was seated upon a large inflatable pencil sharpener.

"It's going to be one of those days," he said, worried.

Then he woke up again, feeling a sharp pain in his eye- another robot had poked him with a gun barrel.

Instantly Metal Sonic was on his feet, grabbing the robot by the throat. "Why did you trespass on my domain? Tell me, or you'll never see apple Jell-O again!"

At the mention of such a fierce punishment, the robot gurgled mechanically with fear. "The master wants to see you."

Disgusted, Metal Sonic hurled the robot into a nearby hot tub, which was filled to the brim with sulfuric acid. "It's always me, isn't it?" he cried to the heavens, beeping and clicking with abject despair. "Why do I always have to help him? It's not like he ever even takes my advice or has me do anything in any case… ugh, I hate life."

"You just say that cause it's a Monday," a passing robot said soothingly.

"It can't be a Monday! It's the 12th!" Metal Sonic snapped, as if that fact contradicted the robot's statement. He hurled the robot into the hot tub of sulfuric acid and continued on his way. Once he reached Eggman's room, he knocked hesitantly on the door. When no reply came, he entered.

"WHOA! Did you SEE that?" shrieked Eggman, watching a movie. "That was AMAZING!"

"Action movie?" Metal Sonic said, looking at the screen.

"No, this is Rumor Has It," Eggman told him. Metal Sonic's head almost exploded as he tried to imagine anything amazing about that movie.

"So, why don't you come the first time I ask you?" Eggman asked menacingly, shutting off the movie.

"Why don't you cut your mustache?" Metal Sonic sneered.

"No way!" Eggman shouted. "I don't trust barbers… not after last time…" A flashback followed.

"Hi, I'd like this haircut," Eggman said, pointing at a picture on the "hair menu" he had received. This Eggman had long lustrous locks of silky hair.

"I'm sorry, we're all out," the clerk responded.

"What do you mean, ALL OUT?" Eggman snarled. "You can't be out of a haircut!"

"We have no more in stock, sir, I apologize," the clerk said smoothly.

"All right, wise guy," stormed Eggman, "it looks like you'll be meeting my robotic fleet very soon… very soon indeed! Metal Sonic, summon the drones!"

Metal Sonic did not make a move. "Eggman, that picture is of a wig, not a haircut. They're just out of wigs."

"Heh heh," gulped Eggman anxiously as security converged on him.

End flashback…

"So," Eggman grumbled, "about the Ham Sandwich Plot. We'll have to assemble some false evidence to support our conclusion. I got this handy book for us to come up with a plan."

"Oh, lord," Metal Sonic fretted as he walked over to the book. "He just yanked a book off the library shelf, didn't he? Or maybe… no, that's too hideous to contemplate." He picked up the book, sighing in relief. Then he realized that his worst fears had come to life.

"OH NO!" he shrieked, clutching the book with nervous hands. Emblazoned boldly across the cover were the words:

LEARNING WITH HERMAN ABOUT SUBURBAN VERMIN

YOUR HANDY GUIDE TO MIDDLE-CLASS CRITTERS

"Like the pinching hammock weasels?" screamed Metal Sonic, loudly enough to cause radio receivers worldwide to short out. "Remember that little catastrophe? Or perhaps the chuckling George Foreman grill lemurs? I thought I'd never get out of THAT little episode alive…"

"That's not what we're using!" Eggman said, annoyed, snatching the book from Metal Sonic's robotic paws. "That's just some light reading. This is what we're using!" He brandished the tome at Metal Sonic. This one was called:

HOW TO FOIL YOUR ARCH NEMESIS AND BOIL YOUR PARCHED GENESIS:

998 WAYS TO FACE YOUR WORST OPPONENTS

"998? I thought it's supposed to be 999," Metal Sonic said, confused.

"I guess they couldn't come up with enough ideas," Eggman concluded.

"I'll say," the robotic hedgehog said with disgust, flipping through it. "Half of these just say 'turn to the next page to find a good one' or 'see page so-and-so.' What a rip-off!"

"Shut up!" Eggman proclaimed, turning mauve in his rage. "There's still a couple hundred for us to use! Luckily, there's an index in this book." He flipped through. "Ah! How To Prove That Your Enemy Has A Ham Sandwich For A Mother, page ninety-twelve." He leafed unconcernedly to the page, while Metal Sonic was speechless with shock that the book was so specific.

"Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm…" Eggman mused happily. "Add water, stir for 8 minutes… OK, that's basically good. We just need to wait until we can capture that blue hedgehog. Where is he now?"

"He's in Twinkle Park on the Hurl-And-Whirl," Metal Sonic was quick to say, hiding his OOSR (Obsessing Over Sonic Radar).

"OK," Eggman replied, favoring his robot with an extremely suspicious look. "We'll let him have the afternoon there. It'll take a while to complete our scheme."

"At least he'll have a good time before our plot," Metal Sonic grinned.

At Twinkle Park, however, Sonic was far from having a good time.

"SOMEONE GET ME OUT!" he howled, completely unrestricted in his seat on the Hurl-And-Whirl. If he wasn't held down, you might ask, why couldn't he just get out himself? Well, first of all, he had been injected with rigor mortis so he was incapable of moving. Secondly, he was wearing a shock collar that zapped him when he touched the walls. "This ride has twenty-something loops and five consecutive corkscrews! And it drops straight down repeatedly! I'll never survive!"

"Oh, cheer up, Sonic!" Amy said happily, who was securely fastened into her seat. "It's all part of the thrilling experience!"

Knuckles stifled a grin in his mitt as he heard Sonic's verbal eruption. "Thrilling experience? I'll give you a thrilling experience if someone doesn't let me… wait, that didn't sound right, I'm… AUUUUUUUUUUUGH!" He was drowned in a deluge of Amy-kisses.

Shadow, who was standing in line to be next on the Hurl-And-Whirl, leaned forward and began to speak in a condescending manner. "Sonic, some might wonder: is it unsafe to ride the Hurl-and-Whirl while ignoring all safety restraints? Some might say yes. But I've got the inside scoop." He smirked widely as Sonic's veins bulged in rage. "You see, fakir, all this talk of it being unsafe to ride a ride, that's all just local gossip, folklore, superstition, call it what you will. People used to believe that radiation was a magical aura until they were taught the truth! This is just one of those highly scientific principles that not everyone can understand." He patted Sonic's head, not realizing that the rigor mortis was about to wear off. "In any case, I'm sure that… heh… you'll be glued to your seat by such an exciting ride!"

Sonic lunged at Shadow, who nimbly dodged out of the way. True to the black hedgehog's word, Sonic had been literally glued to the seat. His violent lunge, however, caused the fur on his backside by which he was glued to come off, provoking squeals of pain and much embarrassment. As Sonic tore off the stun collar and tried to stumble out of the roller coaster car, it took off, forcing him back into the seat.

"Make it stop!" he shrieked, struggling to take out one of his guns. He fired wildly at Amy, but he was so busy trying to cling to the interior of the roller coaster that his aim was highly inaccurate. He put the gun down in disgust, grabbed the shamshir and began to swing it like a dervish. A particularly vicious swing upset his balance and sent him hurtling out of the ride, screaming every inch of the way down until, 300 feet below, came a colossal mushroom cloud and the word OUCH in smoke.

When Sonic had finally been pried off the ground with a spatula the size of a mattress, he proceeded to give Shadow the beating of the century. Then they went off.

As they passed Yoshi from the Mario series, Tails pointed out, "There seem to be a lot of video game characters here today."

"That's cause today it's half off for any such characters," Knuckles declared, reading a sign that he had obviously just drawn himself in order to give Tails a convenient explanation. Sonic shook his head in disgust.

Suddenly, a tall man with a sword and a dagger leaped from the top of a building, slid down a large tapestry, ran the rest of the way down and fell to their feet. "Excuse me," he said in a semi-English accent, "could you tell me how to get into the gift shop?"

Shadow was looking rather confused, as the gift shop was the building that the man had just run down and was now standing just three feet from. "OK, Prince of Persia, I'll tell you. You run up that wall, bounce between the wall and that lamp post, push off the window shutter, then shimmying along the window ledge-"

"Don't listen to him, Prince," Amy said, shooting her so-called boyfriend a dirty look. "You just go through that door right there."

The Prince seemed to wilt before their eyes.

"No ledges? No gymnast poles or balance beams?" he wailed. "I'm incapable of opening doors! YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME!"

"Just do what Shadow said and you'll be fine," Tails assured the Prince, unaware that Knuckles had pocketed the Prince's Dagger of Time. The Prince, shrugging, ran up the wall, but when he jumped to the lamppost, he broke his kneecap and hurtled to the ground twenty feet below. He reached for his Dagger of Time to rewind time so he had never received the injuries, but Knuckles had thrown the Dagger into a nearby lake, leaving the Prince to maniacally hobble after it.

"Honestly, what a fool," sighed a jet-black version of the Prince with gold designs and a chain on his arm, walking after his companion. "I've seen three-legged stray dogs with greater skills…"

"SHUT UP! I was doing fine… um… I clearly need to rewind time to the very beginning of time just so I can recover these bruises!" the Prince shouted.

"Not without the dagger, he won't… hah, what an imbecile!" chuckled Knuckles happily.

"What did you say about my mother?" Sonic growled frenziedly, a red light entering his eyes. All edged away from him.

Several hours later, Metal Sonic and Eggman had entered the park and were now looking for Sonic. Eggman was disguised by wearing a small fake bald patch, even though he was completely bald. Metal Sonic was wearing an enormous beard that occasionally caught in his gears and caused him to partially explode. They were riding the rides, hoping to find Sonic.

"Wow, that ride was really good!" Eggman said, getting off the 10-G Bucket o' Joy. "I was screaming so loudly, and it made my heart go so fast! And the restraints were pretty tight, so there was no chance of an accident."

"That's what she said last night," Metal Sonic cackled, delighted to find such a great opportunity to use that insult. Eggman was so angry that his bald patch flew off like the cap of a bottle of soda after being shaken up. It whirled like a razor disc through the air and embedded itself in a wall, next to an oblivious Amy's head. She thought Sonic had tried to put his tongue in her ear (how foul) and began to make out with her favorite blue hedgehog. The ensuing struggle caused Metal Sonic to catch a glimpse of the five furries.

"Look! Sonic's over there!" he gasped as Eggman throttled him.

"Oh, don't try to get out of that one!" growled Eggman, squeezing more tightly for good measure. "That was a horrible thing to say, and you- hey, look! There's Sonic and his pals!" While Metal Sonic swore under his breath, Eggman glanced over. "Who was supposed to bring the tranquilizer guns? We don't have them!"

"You were," Metal Sonic pointed out, observing the small Post-It note on Eggman's hand reading BRING TRANQ GUNS.

"Well, I'll let it slide this time, but next time you'd better not forget!" Eggman hissed menacingly while Metal Sonic almost imploded with wrath. "Now, all we need to do is catch them."

Slowly, the two villains moved in for the capture. Metal Sonic was capable of subduing all of them without Eggman. However, he was not aware of all the weaponry Sonic had brought…

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Ooh, what will happen? Please review, or read… one of those…

Apples

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Peaches

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Boysenberries

Blackberries
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Kiwi

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Honeydew

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Calabashes

Lemons

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Mangoes

Papayas

…Wouldn't you like to know.