Sonic Insanity

OK, guys, here's the deal. I am updating early because I'll be on vacation, and the day I would normally update falls during vacation time. I will only miss one update time. I should be back on the 11th. Now, here are some Webster's Dictionary definitions for gothic and its subsets.

Goth, n. 2. a barbarian, an uncouth, uncivilized person.

Gothic, a. 3. (a) medieval, (b) not classical, (c) barbarous, uncivilized.

Gothicism, n. 1. rudeness of manners, barbarity.

Just as I suspected- goths are uncivilized, rude-manner, uncouth and most of all, barbaric. Nothing about dressing in black or Marilyn Manson in those definitions, is there, you little whiners.

To Tucker's Mayflower: I can add that to my achievements now: "have made a girl laugh hysterically while blatantly insulting her tastes in shopping and music."

To one Mr. Jack: I see you haven't forgotten our System of a Down song jokes… more on that later. Not really, but I'm tired of talking about it. Anyway, the writing style was exactly the same, except perhaps the chat speak. That is not what Portugaenivånitekchenstanni means! It means "If You Cross Your Ts and Win Spelling Bees, You May Gargle Your Peas However You Please." And don't you forget it! I don't know if "I is" has the grammatically incorrect power of "You was," but never mind. And Furiousity is not a word!

In case no one has guessed, "Mr. Jack" is a friend of mine. He also went by the name of Millions of Peaches, and Chimp Knob, whatever that's supposed to mean. He is totally insane and of course, an awesome person. He's writing his own Sonic humor story and I've been trying to convince him to put them up on Ah, well…

To uhyeahitsteamdark… OK, good thing we got that all cleared up.

After a ridiculously long intro, time for business!

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"Stand straight!" Tails ordered as he adjusted his machine. "If you don't, it may not have the right effect!"

"man, he's teh facssit orrding us arond liek tis!" Sonic groused to Knuckles as they straightened again. "Remnids meh off ma miltiray dayz…"

Flashback…

Sonic and his friend were coming back from military patrol. His friend, Mighty (so he must have been killed in the war… that's like, the third explanation for why Mighty isn't in Sonic Heroes that I've given…) was talking about the enemies he'd killed.

"So about twenty of them were all grouped together," Mighty went on casually, while Sonic fought for his life against twelve armed enemies, "and with my single bullet, I killed all of them at once!" A barrage of bullets flew at him, all of them missing but one. With a blink, Mighty caught it between his eyelashes.

"How'd you- AAAAARGH- kill all of them with one bullet?" snarled Sonic, throwing enemies off of him and coughing blood.

"Simple, I surrounded them," Mighty grinned.

"BUT YOU WERE ON SINGLE PATROL!" Sonic hollered. When no reply was forthcoming, he spat out broken teeth, hurled an enemy away from him and said, "Keep going."

"So, after I surrounded them," Mighty smiled, "I ordered them to line up in a straight line! Then I fired the bullet and it passed through everyone of them." A huge missile was fired right at him. Several dead soldiers miraculously came back to life and jumped in the way of the missile, dying once again. Mighty brushed rubble and skin off his face.

"How'd you –MY PANCREAS! - threaten them into doing that?"

"I threatened to shoot all of them!"

"But if you only had one bullet," growled Sonic, finally breaking free of the enemy soldiers, "how would you have shot all of them?"

"Um…"

"TEN-HUT!" roared a drill sergeant, a pair of wings sprouting from his forehead and disappearing just as quickly. "After you've lined those tangos up against that wall, I want four hundred blindfolded pushups from each of you!"

"Well, I never! He wants us to do pushups… what a tweest!" Sonic muttered cruelly.

The drill sergeant gnashed his teeth. "Stop laughing! I've got a rough job!"

"It looks like it's time for someone's N-A-P-P-Y!" Sonic announced loudly.

"I'll get you someday for your insults!" the drill sergeant cried, shaking his fist. (AN: Imagine one of your schoolteachers shaking a fist at once of their students… that would be awesomely funny.)

The image of their teachers doing such a thing (even though they couldn't really see what the author's note said) only made everyone laugh more… the flashback ended.

"so, t wuz prity mcuh teh wrst ting dat evr hapnd 2 me," Sonic confessed.

"Sonic," Tails snarled, "I am not even ordering you around that much. Third of all, why did you even have that flashback? Your drill sergeant was there for like three seconds. It was mostly you and Mighty making up explanations to prior events and ripping off Charlie Chaplin."

"oh STFU, yu stewpid prep," Sonic said bitterly. Shadow, tired of not having any lines, picked up a toolbox and hurled it at Sonic. The blue hedgehog immediately began to cry and write in his diary about how Satan was his friend.

"plz x-plane 2 mee how tis happned," Omochao said, with little devil horns and eyebrows piercing.

"Shut up, Omochao, everyone hates you," growled Tails. For some reason he decided to explain anyway. "Well, basically Knuckles was cooking a meal and the echidna elders told him to stop. But he didn't, so they made everyone a gothic except me."

"so, liek, Eggman iz beehind all dis!" Omochao shouted.

"NO!" Tails shouted. "It's all Knuckles' fault! Weren't you listening?"

"OMG pres A 2 jummp!" Omochao cackled in his eerie singsong voice. "o wate, yur nott Sonik…" He flew over to Sonic, but the blue hedgehog hurled his emo diary at the little loser, killing him instantly.

"BLUDD! BLUDD! KIL KIL!" Shadow chanted ravenously. Apparently he was one of those vampire goths. Knuckles smacked him in the face with a loaf of garlic bread and the black hedgehog was reduced to a quivering mass of furry jelly

"It's ready!" Tails snarled. "Now, stand in line…"

But before they could, something crashed through the wall, showering rubble and Comic-Con posters (nerd-boy Tails) all over everything. Tails yelped as he enveloped his machine in a life jacket, as if this would save it from several tons of choking gravel and dust. Fortunately it was not ruined.

"WUT WUZ DAT TING?" shouted Sonic wrathfully, getting up. Out of the tour bus (for that was what had just burst through the walls) came a hated figure, one who they had fought many times… accompanied by Doctor Eggman!

"Wait, so who's the other guy?" Tails inquired.

"mettle Sonic or sumfing," muttered Knuckles. Eggman scowled, grabbing the machine away from Tails and shooting himself with it. He also shot Metal Sonic and the two robots that were accompanying him.

"AH! Much better!" said Eggman, smacking his lips with relish. He winced, his lips hurting… he had literally "smacked" them, as in "with his fists." "Well, aside from that minor setback… COMPLETE SUCCESS ON ALL LEVELS! My latest and greatest invention, using advanced technology well beyond our current civilization, will eclipse anything that the military could hit me with!"

"If by "advanced technology well beyond our current civilization," you mean, "gum stuck to the underside of a train seat,"" sneered Tails.

"yah yu stoopid prepz!" Knuckles shouted.

Eggman angrily pressed the shockwave button, removing the gothic-speech-limitation from everybody. "I'm tired of all that annoying talk! Allow me to introduce… THE EGG BAND!"

"How come he could just shoot us if we weren't standing up straight like Tails wanted?" Shadow wondered. He and Knuckles glared angrily at the fox boy.

Sonic would have screamed passionately, but he was getting used to speaking normally so it came out as a disconnected mixture of yak-like screeches and love letters to Gerard Way. If you don't know who he is, I envy you.

"Prepare Goth Song # 1!" Eggman hollered to his band. Apparently the goth-ness had not yet totally worn out. Either that or they'd learned all their songs during their goth period. They quickly suited up in all the latest product placements, chuckling as they stood in front of the microphones.

"Wait… where are your instruments?" Sonic asked with a dreadful feeling of doom. Eggman grinned wickedly and he thought he would feel sick. Everyone, even the robots, was looking a bit queasy.

"We're one of those, how do you say, 'make instrument noises with our mouths' type-bands," Eggman smirked. "Robot Number 1 over there is our bass player. Robot Number 2 is drums and DJ. Metal Sonic is chief singer and guitarist. And I," he announced importantly, puffing out his ample stomach, "am rapper-in-charge!"

"You'll never get away with this, Eggman!" screamed Knuckles furiously. "No one likes your band enough!"

"No one likes me! Well, I wouldn't find that exactly true, per se," Eggman grinned, causing Knuckles to go into contortions of rage. "I'm the center of attention in any and all situations! And, I've got it all! Everyone would like me! I'm rich and famous. I got the iced-out James Bond Aston Martin. I got the bling and the jewelry. I got looks and charm. And I got Rouge to be my sweetie! I see you ain't got a girl!"

To say that Knuckles was angry would have been an understatement along the same lines as labeling every body of water on earth "a trifling amount of liquid." He was gnashing his teeth so hard that they were flying out of his mouth and ricocheting around the room. "Rouge IS my girl! She ain't 'your sweetie!' You hear me! I'll shank you in the cerebellum if you ever say that again!"

"Well, I was just all up on her with those romantic love songs my band plays, and sure enough…" Eggman's rolls of fat jiggled as he roared with laughter.

"Why, Rouge?" Knuckles cried desolately. "Remember when we went fishing together… our first date? And when we caught the big one and it was flopping around on the dock… I realized that you were all I wanted!"

"Rouge was all I wanted when she was flopping around on the dock catching some big ones for me," Eggman cackled in an irritating falsetto. Knuckles lunged at him, foaming at the mouth, but Shadow held him back.

"Now, time for the destructive power of my band to be unleashed!" smirked Eggman. "Allow me to present our first song "Caper Putt," off of our first album, "Thyroid Hear Ye!" My band is named Pinking Lark, by the way."

Sonic was slowly piecing it together. "Thyroid Hear Ye… Hybrid Theory… Pinking Lark… LINKIN PARK! Impersonators! Desecrators!" Shadow was now trying to restrain two very angry furries. With a push of a button by Eggman, a cage descended upon the furries, and the band began to play.

It was worse than ever could have been imagined. They were playing a modified version of the Linkin Park song "Papercut." The drum robot began to make obnoxious "pssshk" noises with his metallic lips. Then Metal Sonic came in with the guitar part.

"Weeeeeeeeeow, weeeeeeeeeeow, weeeeeeeeeeooooooooooow!" he chorused jubilantly, recording it and playing it in a loop. The bass thundered in, if by that you mean "the robot started humming in a low-pitched voice, going off-pitch and sometimes humming nursery tale melodies instead." And then the worst of it came in- Eggman started rapping.

Wreckage and rubble fell around their heads as he laid down his beats. "Why does it feel like night today, why can't I just be right today, feel like I'm gonna ignite today, obesity is all I got left, I don't know what made me fat first, but I know I was always fed, I was stuffed with food until if I ate one more thing, I'd be dead!" He paused for a breath and for applause that he did not receive, resuming and becoming very off time with his rapping.

"But everybody has a belt that just can't keep tied, and a gut that just has to be wide, and a triple-digit pant size, and people laugh every time they fall!"

"Cause fat guys are funny," whispered Metal Sonic malevolently, darkly.

"Say, don't doubt cause when it's time to sink or swim, the fat cells keeping me afloat are right underneath my skin," Eggman spat before the chorus came in.

"IT'S LIKE I'M PARANOID! Overlooking my fat, it's like a… what? I'm not singing this crappy fat song, I'm singing the real chorus!" Metal Sonic cried angrily, and he proceeded to sing the song correctly. Eggman glared daggers at him until he finished the last part: "BENEATH MY SKIN!"

"It's like there's a robot slave with me, points out all my mistakes to me, just cause I'm fat doesn't mean I'm wrong, he's just a stupid robo-dwarf, I don't know what kind of curse makes him insult me like he can, everybody acts but the fact of the matter is that he's just a dumb tin can," snarled Eggman, watching gleefully as Metal Sonic grew steadily more furious. The robots making the bass and drums were getting even worse, their battery running low.

"But everybody has a slave that laughs when they TRY!"

"Slave that can't help but criti-CIZE!"

"Slave that's there when you open your EYES!"

"Slave that smiles every time you're wrong!"

"And watches everything," Metal Sonic muttered, quickly hiding Eggman's baby book in his robotic armor.

"Say no doubt that when it's time to sink or swim, that cyber-freak is watching you, just because he's thin," sneered Eggman.

Metal Sonic sang the chorus faithfully, but they basically stopped singing at the end because Metal Sonic had started to narrate the baby book to the tune of the words. A huge fight followed, and all the furries quickly formed a plan while the robots were distracted. Shadow teleported everyone out (he almost left Sonic, but Tails was thumbing the RESTORE CONDITION button on his Goth-O-Matic device) and they quickly overtook the two robots. When they realized their rhythmic section was gone, Eggman and Metal quickly ran for the hills, shouting dire warnings to Sonic and the gang even as they pummeled each other.

"I'll never be able to appreciate Linkin Park again," Sonic muttered sadly, looking to the horizon.

"Good! Maybe you'll get into some good bands like Limp Bizkit instead!" Shadow said jovially. THE FOLLOWING SCENE IS CENSORED

"-and your mother, too!" finished Sonic as he beat Shadow into the ground.

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