Sonic Insanity
We've finally reached 100,000 words! Thanks for everyone who contributed to the total.
Look, clan rHrN, your Sonic Insanity is not part of my timeline. Yours is more like a spin-off or a sequel of sorts. It'll be too much work to coordinate ours. But for the sake of your formula, x pie in the face.
It appears that the last chapter wasn't funny enough to make the anonym(o)us elmo laugh! I'll have to work harder…
Malak22 wondered if there was a similarity between this and Abbot and Costello. I was actually thinking of Chapter 5 of Weird Waker by Tweedle Dumbass, who I steal jokes from far more often that I would care to admit. Then again, he took a lot of jokes from my Wind Waker fic, which was taken down, so no worries.
Justin Time, that's an OK joke, but I try to lean away from gay jokes. The Queer Eye segment was sort of the only exception. Plus that joke is used all the time, and saying things like "at least etc" aren't always great. A good joke is something like this:
Mecha Scorpion's Friend What do you mean, I don't get any girls? I turn down relationships left and right!
Mecha Scorpion Your relationships are with your left and right.
Or how about this:
Mecha Scorpion's Friend Brazil is much better than Germany! If the Garden of Eden really existed, it would be in Brazil.
Mecha Scorpion Yeah, all the animals would come from there.
So those are some good jokes that I won't be able to use in the fic, at least maybe not.
And "Headwater Daddy-" will you stop saying that I'm not a good writer? I don't even steal any jokes from you, I write them in your story and then I change them and write them in mine! I don't even remember half of them anyway.
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Sonic and Shadow looked at each other, then fled the room, deathly afraid of getting haircuts. They ran down the hall, gibbering hysterically.
"I'll go after them!" Knuckles said courageously, trying to impress Rouge. Tails stuck his foot out and Knuckles fell flat on his face. Furious, he watched as Rouge rolled her eyes and flew after the duo of miscreants.
"Get- BACK- here!" she shouted, pumping her wings furiously. The terrified hedgehogs put on a burst of speed as machine gun fire hit the… wait, what?
Indeed, Rouge was holding two machine guns, with which she was attempting to give the two hedgehogs a haircut by shooting at their heads. Sonic winced as a bullet hit him in the back of the head, dismissing it as a mere scratch.
"What should we do?" howled Sonic to Shadow.
The black hedgehog winked, then grabbed Sonic's hand. The blue hedgehog began to protest, thinking it was a come-on, but Shadow had other plans. The black hedgehog stopped in his tracks, bringing Sonic to a halt with him. Sonic's arm was almost yanked out of his socket. Rouge, startled, flew over their heads and slammed into the wall, knocking her out.
"That was a long hallway," Shadow commented airily, while Sonic nursed his damaged arm. "Now let's get the heck out of here!"
"But I want the heck to stay here!" wailed Sonic, flapping his arms petulantly and kicking his legs. Unfortunately, this involved falling to the floor, and as soon as he hit the floor (actually, several seconds before) it gave way, sending him plummeting into the… EARTH'S CORE?
"WHAAAAAT?" shrieked Shadow, outraged.
"Holy contrivances and weak structural plans, Batmaaaaaaaaan…" howled Sonic as he fell to his doom. Suddenly a freak lava geyser hit him and shot him back up, apparently not damaging him at all with ridiculous notions such as overwhelming heat and crushing underground pressure. He was somehow ejected safely back into the house, but by then, Rouge had caught up with them.
The struggle to get them into the car was one of the greatest in history. Suffice it to say that Shadow had been given a PSP, which he was playing with much relish, and they had lied to him and said that they were going to a gun show. Sonic was a far different story. First they shot him with enough tranquilizers and sedatives to kill a family of elephants. Then they super glued his arms to his sides, glued his legs together, and glued his quills flat so he couldn't poke free. Then they filled his mouth with bean bags, sewed his lips shut, glued them together, duct taped his mouth, wrapped him in duct tape from head to foot until all that was visible was his nose. Then they tied him again with ropes, once more with chains, again with barbed wire, and finally with even more chains with diamond links. Then they put him inside a box made out of iron and malachite, with gemstone locks. The box's interior was filled with liquid iron that would harden around his body (he could breathe through a scuba thing). There was only one opening on the box and they welded it shut and fitted it with nine hundred thousand military-level locks, welded over all the locks, duct taped over the welding, and monitored it with surveillance cameras. Finally, they put the box in a ring of fire surrounded by machine guns and put it in the back of the car.
So, nobody was surprised when ten minutes later, Sonic sat up from the splintered wreckage of the box and whined, "Are we there yet?"
Oh, wait. They were all utterly flabbergasted and in Shadow's case, at a loss for words.
"But, but, but, but…" he stammered as Sonic kicked shards of diamond away, which he had somehow broken by twitching his nose. "But HOW?" he thundered.
"Oh, you know, this and that," shrugged Sonic. "A little here, a little there…"
Shadow was so massively furious that his anger grew until it began to feed on itself like a neutron star. Eventually he somehow accepted this absurdity and resumed playing his game. Sonic, opening the trunk and jettisoning 1,200 pounds of diamond, gemstone, iron, malachite, duct tape, lead, soldering, plastic, glue, circuitry, sewing thread and bathrobes into the middle of the freeway, turned back and leaned over Shadow's shoulder.
"Whatcha playing?" he inquired inquisitively.
Shadow was about to answer, but he was cut off by Knuckles, who seemed less willing to accept Sonic's dodgy answer (Rouge was driving). "No, seriously, Sonic, how did you get free?"
Sonic's face darkened. "Because I, gohegdeH eht coniS, have the power… the mystical, legendary abilities of the ancients who carved this world! I have abilities beyond those of any mortal man!"
"Oh, like the linking rings?" cried Rouge joyously, bouncing in her seat and clapping her hands (Tails was driving, the underage little twerp).
"NO, NOT THE LINKING RINGS!" hollered Sonic at the top of his voice, blasting out the windows and the doors with the sheer volume. "FORGET IT! The magic of the gods is millions of years more advanced than what any pathetic furry cerebrum could ever dream of grasping!"
"I think he means more powerful talents," Rouge declared.
"Ah," Shadow breathed wisely. "Amazing, mind-blowing capabilities, like card tricks and pulling rabbits out of hats."
Sonic's anger was so monumental that… er… they made a monument to it. The monument was a thousand-foot high statue of Sonic dressed up as a Pokemon for his first Halloween. When people asked what this had to do with Sonic being angry, they were told that the statue wasn't of him being angry, the statue was designed to make him angry. But that's another story. Where was I? Oh yeah, Sonic was unforgettably angry and the universe would never the same bla blah bla.
They drove to Kobrinto's, the new barbershop, as they liked to give new businesses in town some attention (they were all heroes, so any place they went to was immediately swarmed). After a short car chase with Amy during which Sonic was kissed repeatedly and an incident known as the Pumpkin Effect occurred and was never mentioned again, they found the barber's. Emblazoned in big letters on the window was:
KOBRINTO'S
I CAN GET VIDEO GAMING ICONS A HAIRCUT!
"You mean this place is just for video game icons?" cried Sonic joyously, as if any such thing wasn't obvious. "Amazing! Spectacular! Mario better not be there! Because Sega likes to think that we're still competition for him! Superb! Although if they make many more sports games, maybe we will be! Outstanding!"
"I don't know, guys," Tails whined obnoxiously. "Seems kind of iffy… remember the last time we met up with other video game characters?"
"Yeah, Twinkle Park, and it was really fun, until Eggman showed up," Rouge told him.
"You weren't there," Sonic growled, "and it wasn't fun." Then he was distracted. "Look! SONIC and ICONS have all the same letters!"
Suddenly a huge shadow fell over them. It was a massive statue of the number 4.
"Get it? Four-shadowing… foreshadowing!" Shadow snickered. Knuckles caved his lungs in and they walked into Kobrinto's.
"Hello, do you have a reservation?" a robot secretary asked mechanically as they walked in.
"No, but we're Sonic and Shadow the Hedgehogs," Sonic said confidently, stepping forward. "We're bound to get an appointment!"
Kobrinto himself walked up to them. He had a large bushy mustache that curled at both ends. "Good to see you two! We can always make room for such heroes. I'll cut Sonic's quills- hair- bucket of noodles- whatever myself, and one of my other hairdressers can cut Shadow's."
"I say I deserve the glory," Shadow growled ominously.
"I say you don't," beamed Kobrinto cheerily, causing Shadow to go into convulsions. "Now, what kind of haircut would you like?"
"He'd like a little off the sides and a nice trim on the bangs," Rouge explained.
"Shut up, Mother," snarled Sonic at her. "I want you to take off a sixteenth of an inch on all parts of it… that's all!"
"Should be a snap!" Kobrinto grinned, snapping his fingers in Sonic's ears very loudly. He took out a razor, some scissors, and a set of pruning shears.
"Uh, could you put a mirror here?" Sonic asked nervously as the haircut went underway.
"Now, now, Sonic!" chortled Kobrinto. "Are you saying you don't trust me? I'm the finest there is!"
"At haircutting?" Sonic said skeptically.
"Um… that's not what I had in mind, but yeah, let's go with haircutting," Kobrinto smiled. "Now, hold still… I'm just shaping the top of your quills so it'll look better when they're shorter."
"He's scraping a razor on top of your head in swirly patterns," Shadow smirked. Sonic sneered at Shadow, knowing it was a joke. Kobrinto waggled a finger at Shadow and continued.
"Now put his quills in curlers!" Knuckles shrieked, banging his fists on the ground hysterically. Rouge kicked him disgustedly, and she was evicted for having no further use in the story right now.
"Just sit in the waiting room," Shadow grumbled.
Tails and Knuckles did. Knuckles picked up a People magazine and began scanning it eagerly for news on the Jessica-Nick-Vanessa love triangle.
"There's something weird about that Kobrinto guy," muttered Tails. "He's just too weird and cheerful… Knuckles?"
"OK, what's a seven-letter word for 'breakup?'" Knuckles asked, doing the crossword.
"Oh, $! off," Tails told him angrily.
"That's good, that's good," Knuckles said, filling in the curse. "Now, what's a four-letter word for-"
"Let me see that," Tails interrupted. "Break-up IS a seven letter word, I doubt it would be that obvious." He looked at it. "Knuckles, that says a seven-letter word for split in a relationship. You're reading the answers."
"No wonder I got so many wrong!" Knuckles gasped, although the opposite should have been true.
Sonic was bored with his haircut. He decided that the next best thing was to get Shadow raring hot mad. He leaned toward Shadow, ignoring the disastrous effect this was having on his haircut, and smirked. "Shadow?"
"What, fakir?" grumbled the black hedgehog, whose haircut looked immaculate.
Sonic smiled widely and broke into song. "Feeling a little," he raised his eyebrows and chuckled, "oooooooo-bese? Feeling a little… little… LITTLE… LITTLE…" Each note got progressively higher in pitch until he rolled in with the main melody.
"Chubby in the cheeks, heavy in the hips, thick in the thighs, big in the belly, blubbery in the behind," he chorused in different voices, the combined effect of which grew Shadow absolutely wild. The robo-barber struggled to keep the outraged hedgehog in the seat, while Kobrinto ignored it all.
"Tubby in the tummy, slouch in the stomach, gluttonous in the gluteus maximum, fat in the fanny," he detailed, his litany of overweight problems expanding onwards. "Ample in the-"
"THAT'S IT!" shrieked Shadow, and he leaped from the chair and bowled Sonic over. They slammed into a shelf of hair tonics, sending the bottles everywhere. Sonic dodged getting his face pounded in, but an odd reflection in Shadow's eye made him yell, "STOP!"
He looked into Shadow's eye as the hedgehog glared angrily at him. He could see himself, and his quills. Now he could tell what kind of haircut he had gotten.
It
was horrible.
His bangs had been glued together, and cut into them were the words I LOVE HORSEBACK RIDING, accompanied by a line of X's and O's and little hearts. Sonic's forehead had been painted orange to highlight the words. Above his bangs he had an array of liberty spikes, and the top of his head was now a mass of dreadlocks. Finally, the back of his hair was now woven into two thick pigtails.
Shadow tried to restrain himself for maybe 0.0000000002 seconds and then burst out with hilarity. "Pff… kk… hmmmph… heeeeeeeeeeeeAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAAAAAAA-" This went on for some time.
Sonic, meanwhile, was blazing mad. He was so angry that it was basically like containing every character's anger in this whole story inside of him. He went into a coma for five minutes, woke up and began to kill the heck out of Kobrinto.
"Hey," sputtered Kobrinto, "you knew what you was getting ya self into!"
"YOU SAID YOU'D GIVE ME THE HAIRCUT I ASKED FOR!" shrieked Sonic, deranged.
"I said no such thing!" Kobrinto said, defending himself. Immediately his robot staff pulled Sonic away. It was then that Sonic began to piece things together.
"Kobrinto… Robotnik? EGGMAN!" he screamed at the mustached man. "The robots… the mustache… the evil attitude… setting up an undercover base right near me! I SEE! You're going down, Eggman!"
"Shut up, Alfonse," Eggman retorted. Sonic foamed at the mouth at this dire insult. "Indeed, it is I, Eggman! When naming things backward back in Chapter 62 didn't work (Caper Putt, Papercut, and all the rest) I decided to stick with anagrams!"
"That's when you scramble the letters up in a word or sentence to form something else!" exposited Tails for the benefit of the audience.
"We all know, Floyd," Eggman snarled. "Remember how Sonic observed that ICONS and SONIC have the same letters! Foreshadowing! Now that I'm done over-explaining my ludicrous plan, I'll reveal the greatest anagram of all- the slogan of my store!"
"Come to think of it, I didn't see any other video game icons around," Shadow said suspiciously.
"Silence, Gloria! Watch, and be amazed!" Eggman brought out a sign with the slogan on it, I CAN GET VIDEO GAME ICONS A HAIRCUT! Tapping it, the letters began to shift and change.
I CAN GET VIDEO GAMING ICONS A HAIRCUT slowly transformed into:
EGGMAN GAVE SONIC AN IDIOTIC HAIRCUT
There was a moment's silence. Then all hell broke loose.
"What, what, WHAT, WHAT, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" shrieked Sonic in progressively higher tones. Tails stamped his feet and champed his teeth and stamped his grief and all sorts of things, flailing his arms and legs with in insane fury. Knuckles tried to hold it in, but hot air jetted from his ears until he soared around like a balloon.
"Relax, guys, it was to be expected," Shadow pointed out.
"WE COULDN'T HAVE EXPECTED A LUDICROUS ANAGRAM LIKE THAT!" shrieked Knuckles. "I see now! Earlier in the story, we've lost our strength when our quills or dreadlocks and such were cut! He was trying to rob us of our power!"
"No, Rudolph, I just wanted you to look really stupid," smirked Eggman rapturously. "Only Sonic looks stupid anyway, everyone else looks spick and span as a frickin' pan!"
"That's an outlandish saying," objected Tails.
"Shut up, Xerxes," grumbled Eggman. "But now, I'm afraid, it's time for your demise at the hands of my latest invention!"
"Where are you hiding it?" Sonic asked suspiciously. "Did you eat it?"
Eggman turned florid in his fury, yanking his device from behind a house that was standing innocent beside him, despite the fact that they were still inside the false barbershop. "You see," he explained wrathfully, "my latest invention is much like my last one. But the similarity between them is not inability to defeat you… BUT LETHAL DESTRUCTIVE CAPACITY!" And with a towering chortle, he unveiled…
THE EGG COUNTRY SINGER!
Shadow looked doubtful.
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The horrors never cease, do they? Await next chapter!