Sonic Insanity
For the first part of this chapter, when the Egg Country Singer is attacking them, I encourage you to play some hard rock or very dramatic music. I listened to Breaking Benjamin while writing, but don't use Slipknot or Hatebreed or anything like that. That's not dramatic. Something good, like Soldier Side by System of a Down. Or anything by them.
To SonicFan- what do you mean, was it an accident? I didn't just write one phrase and realize, "Wow, it translates into the other!" I tried several anagrams to fool Sonic with. Originally I had an idea that Shadow was behind it all, but then I realized that EGGMAN became GAMING with only a few minor edits, and SONIC becomes ICONS right away, so there I was…
Let's go.
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The Egg Country Singer lurched out from behind the house. It carried an old-fashioned banjo in its hand, a cowboy hat on its head, and an old vest and jeans for clothes. An intricate fake mustache was built onto it. Sonic felt all his muscles seize up in terror. The Egg Country Singer sat upon an old barrel, took a contemplative strum of his banjo, and sang…
"Well, out on the plains of Tex-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaas," drawled the singer, strumming his banjo despite his lack of obvious hands, "under wiiiiiiiiiide cloudless skiiiiiiEEEEEEiiiiiiies…" He gave a deep twang of his banjo, and the Sonic gang each experienced something different. Tails flipped over many times, sailing backward until he hit a brick wall, which dented in. Sonic's stomach sunk in and his head flew this way and that as if physical force was pushing at him. Shadow writhed on the ground with horrified agony. Finally, Knuckles' feet jittered and he flew into the air, flipping and spinning at the same time before landing on his head.
"There was a coooooouuun-try frog, and his faith-a-ful dog, but the dog had shifty EYEEEEEEES…" warbled the Egg Country Singer, plucking madly. Shadow continued to quiver with torment, while Knuckles kept going into spasms as if his limbs had lost control. Huge bruises formed on Sonic as he was attacked, blood shining from a scar. Like someone was picking up Tails and throwing him, the fox sailed in the opposite direction, landing with a massive BANG on the ground.
Eggman was delighted. One of his fiendish plans had already succeeded! "Why'd I waste all these years with nonsensical robots when I could defeat him with…"
"The Egg Country Singer is a nonsensical robot, it's just that none of them can tolerate country music without serious physical damage to themselves," chirped a small songbird on the window. Eggman grabbed at it with rage, but it flew into his ear, squeezing through the ear canal and bouncing around inside of his brain.
"OW! The horrible pain!" screamed Shadow, Tails, Sonic, Knuckles and Eggman all at the same time, all to the refrain of the Egg Country Singer's abominable playing. Eggman decided to go for an old trick. "Think about something difficult, Abraham," he advised himself. "Like… algebra, say, or polickaticks… pockleticks… pocketlenticulars… POLITICS! That's it." He paused as a joke struck him. "Hey! Poli means many, and tics means blood sucking creatures! So, basically, all the issues discussed in Congress (not the White House, they just talk about football while gas prices go up) are living, breathing insect creatures! Get it?"
"That's hilarious!" chirped the bird in his brain sarcastically. Eggman snarled, trying his strategy. By thinking about geography, his face began to burn bright red until the inside of his head reached temperatures of over 450 degrees Fahrenheit. Meanwhile, his tiny brain began to swell as the complicated ideas filled it. To top it all off, his brain was surging with electricity. The bird had no choice but to be crushed, burned or electrocuted. It flew out of his head and was never seen again. Except by Mr. Jack, who was on the side of the freeway in the car. But that's another story.
The fight with the Egg Country Singer was going badly. There was still 49 verses to go of his ballad. All of them were rooted to the spot, unable to control their movements.
"So the dog, and the frog, went into a bog, and never to retuuuuuuuurn…"
Tails was flung into a wall, from which rubble and plaster dust showered.
"They set up camp, with just a tent and lamp, and set up some logs to buuuuurn…"
Shadow convulsed, foaming from the mouth and, oddly, the hair.
"Finding nothing to drink, they started to think: oh, whaaaaaaat was there to sip in the swamp…"
Knuckles tripped and fell over, his body covered in scratches and abrasions. His legs slid crazily as if he was trying to dance.
"So they gave it a try, but they found that they'd die, so they started the Brooooooklyn stooooooomp… stoooooooooomp… STOOOOOOMP!" yodeled the banjo-toting machine.
Sonic looked up groggily through blackened eyes. He was lying on his chest in a pool of his own blood. His legs and arms were bent at abnormal angles to his body. As he pulled himself up, he spat enough blood to fill a juice box. Eggman grinned and whooped at the sight of the hero's demise.
"It's OVER, Monsieur Faquiére!" he chortled as Sonic staggered horribly to his feet, his legs buckling under him as the Egg Country Singer unleashed more song. "Our ages-old rivalry is finally done with! You'll just be a memory, and I'll have your big soap shoes in a trophy case on my wall to comfort me in the middle of the night!"
"Oh, that valiant frog, and the shifty-eyed dog, got caught in the shifting SAAAAANDS…" trilled the Egg Country singer.
Sonic mumbled something, his hands clenching, glaring at Eggman.
"What?" the doctor asked.
Sonic dragged himself onward, leaving a wide swath of blood. He hobbled upward, very slowly, like a newborn child, testing his balance.
"No… he can't," the doctor prayed.
"And those two noble guys, met their demise, at the hands of a handless MANNNNNNNN…" sang the Egg Country Singer at double speed.
Sonic went down on one knee, head bowed against the horrible waves of music breaking over him. But even as the Egg Country Singer frantically played, Sonic got up, breaking into a stride, moving purposefully toward his tormentors.
"NEVER!" screamed Sonic, spitting out broken teeth and blood, dashing right at them, his foot wrenching behind him. Even with one broken leg, he pushed himself onward, finally propelling himself high into the air…
Eggman gasped. The Egg Country Singer finally stopped playing, trying to swat Sonic out of the air with his banjo.
In the break of music, the other furries mustered their strength and charged. The scene slowed as if time itself was respecting the moment…
Shadow spun once in the air, booting the Egg Country singer hard in the jaw. His head flew off, still crooning, and Shadow Chaos Controlled over to it and stomped on it, ending its song forever. Meanwhile, Tails plucked the banjo from the hand of the body and snapped it.
Knuckles charged at Eggman's machine and caved it in with a blow from his fist. And Sonic flew toward Eggman, looking so badly injured that he could have been considered dead, the rage in his eyes…
Eggman sneered, drawing the gun.
"NO!" shrieked Tails, his eyes wide and staring helplessly.
And the squirt gun shot an endless stream of water into Sonic, pumping rounds into him furiously. But it was enough. Sonic's fists went limp, and the light went out of his eyes. He fell to the ground as Eggman lurched away. Sonic tried to pull himself up once… and stopped. He let out one cough, and…
"SONIC!" shrieked Tails running over. Knuckles felt for a pulse, but his blocky gloves wouldn't allow him. Shadow felt for it and looked up gravely at all of them.
"He's gone," he said brokenly. "He's really gone now… he won't have another life like in the games… he's… dead." Shadow bowed his head as Tails wept. They all sat around for a moment of silence around the shattered body of their greatest friend.
"I just wish," choked Knuckles, "that he could be alive just long enough for us to really say goodbye… that's all I want…"
"I can understand that, Knuckles," a grim voiced stranger said. They all looked at him, but his face was hidden in shadow. By that I do not mean Shadow the Hedgehog. "But sometimes we just have to let those we knew come to pass. And besides…" The stranger stepped into the light to reveal Sonic. "Ya CAN't, always GET, whatcha WAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT…"
Tails promptly burst into happy tears and hugged his friend. Shadow went into a coma due to his utter fury. Knuckles, however, conquered the urge to pass out and shrieked like a feral cat, trying to body slam the resurrected hedgehog.
"HOW DID YOU, what, your body's right there, WHY DID YOU, how could, what, JAAAAAAAAGGGGRAAAAATZE?" he bellowed, breaking down and screaming at the sky.
"That was just my CLONE, baby!" said Sonic in a very obnoxious voice, hugging the two ladies on his arm while smoking a Best of 1803 Cuban cigar. The ladies began to leave, and he tried to convince them that between hugging Tails and calling Knuckles "baby," that he was actually attracted to women.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" hollered Shadow, his voice like a black hole. He had come out of the coma by becoming even MORE furious.
"It's the EASIEST thing!" Sonic sang, dancing around. "You wouldn't expect, heh, that an upstanding gentleman like myself would just get a haircut? No way! So I sent a clone in my place! That was who you was seeing with ya the WHOLE time!" He paraded merrily up and down the demolished hairdresser's shop.
"But WHEN did you switch yourself with a clone?" asked Tails confusedly.
"When you put me in that heavily guarded box, I thought I was a goner!" Sonic chuckled. "But, well, I cloned myself in there using special Wal-Mart Cloning Serum! I then used Chaos Control using this Chaos Emerald to get myself back home, and from then on it was the clone!"
"No wonder So- er, the clone was able to burst through that huge cage we built," Tails gasped. "Wal-Mart brand clones are usually much stronger than the people they were cloned from!"
"So that solves that," Sonic said, relieved.
"NO IT DOES NOT!" roared Knuckles, aghast. "That was still just… er… well… IT WAS HORRIBLE! Emotionally manipulative! Shamelessly self-aggrandizing! Grammy Award-winning!"
"So sue me. What can you do about it?" Sonic said, smirking as the ladies began to feed him Vegetarian Pizza. If by "vegetarian," you mean, "made out of vegetarians."
"Allow me to confer with my associates," said Shadow in a bookish, "intylektchuwall" voice, leading his comrades aside. Then, after he abandoned the Communists, he went off with Tails and Knuckles.
"Can we trust him? He seems on the level," Shadow growled, wearing a long, gold prospector's mustache.
"Shadow, we're not talking about whether we can trust Sonic or not, we're talking about how he should be punished!" Tails said stressfully as Shadow abandoned the mustache in favor of a bare upper lip. "So… what do we do?"
"We could star in a musical that makes fun of him and host it in front of all his role models, friends and potential women!" Knuckles chortled. "I can be the orphan!" The echidna pulled out a 30's era hat, doffed it rakishly before putting it on his head, and burst into song. "If only I haaaaaaaaaaaaad a moooooooooooooother and faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaather, I just might not boooooooother to live in the street! Soooooooometiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmees, I think I might wonder if I made a blunder-"
"Oh! And I could be the old crusty casting agent for the young orphan to get his big break in show biz!" Shadow shrieked in utter euphoria, donning a suit and tie and leaning on a cane, puffing at a cheroot with a nametag reading Ari Max Goldstein-Kaufman-Rosenbaum-Liebowitz-Shapiro-Schwartzberg. "I'm in the picture business, kid. I see a dozen like you every day. What convinces you that you'll make it?"
"That's rather stereotypical, don't you think?" Tails inquired angrily.
"Cause I can deliver maudlin monologues and pout for handouts!" Knuckles hooted, dancing around like a nincompoop and falling flat on his face. A line of hidden chorus girls screeched background vocals, but they ran away due to overwhelming abnormality.
"That's enough!" snarled Tails. "We should get him to do the one thing he despises above all others, for what he did!"
"John Tucker was so cruel to us!" spat Shadow, wearing mascara. "We'll have to get Amy to go out with him and then break his heart!"
"Amy!" Knuckles said, stunned, his eyes glittering mischievously. "Why couldn't I see it? It's hard to believe… that I couldn't see… High School Musical is a-"
"That's it!" Tails snickered. He turned to Sonic, who was looking expectant. "Sonic, we have come to a decision!"
"What," moaned Sonic as the women moved in for the kill.
"You must go out on a date with Amy Rose!" Tails smirked triumphantly.
The women had to be reassured, again, that Sonic was attracted to females, as he immediately went impotent and cold at the sound of his mortal, marital foe. Out of the ground, springing up in a long chain from where they stood to the coast of the oceans, came huge, monolithic letters, accompanying Sonic's scream.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
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Things are getting painful now…