Sonic Insanity
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Sonic raised the phone with trembling fingers, sneering at his grinning "friends" in order to cover up his abject misery and horror. "Guys, I hate Amy. Surely you could come up with a less vicious punishment…"
"She's not that bad… she has good taste, after all."
Sonic spluttered on a mouthful of coffee, even though he had not had any for many days and he wasn't having one now. "WHAT? Shadow, you hate me! How can you say she has good taste?"
"She went out with me," Shadow smirked. Sonic brained him with a goat fetus and dialed the number hesitantly.
"Hello?" Amy answered, while her cell phone rang in the background. This was odd, as Sonic had called her on her cell phone. He came to the conclusion that on the third ring, she had the word "hello" instead of a ring and then it continued ringing as usual.
"Very likely theory," Knuckles sniffed, somehow deducing what Sonic had thought telepathically.
"Shut up," hissed Sonic as Amy picked up. "Er, Amy?"
"Hello?" Amy answered, while her cell phone rang in the… uh-oh, Déjà Vu doesn't look happy over there.
"Hello? Who is this?" Amy asked suspiciously.
"It's, (gulp), Sonic," the blue hedgehog answered painfully. He turned around and whined to Tails, "Are you sure-"
"Oh, Sonikku, I'd be delighted!" Amy yakked. "We'll go to the mall, shop for clothes and jewelry- we can find you a nice man-bracelet-"
"Man bracelet?" howled Sonic insanely, realizing too late that he had just given this away to Shadow. The black hedgehog burst into obnoxious chuckles, rollicking on the floor with laughter.
"Yes, and maybe we can buy some Christian rock too! Creed, Flyleaf, Alter Bridge, 12 Stones, and Thousand Foot Krutch!" Amy shrieked, finding it all rather exciting, while Sonic's gag reflex was put to the test. "So, when should you pick me uuuuuuuuuppppppp?"
"Er," Sonic stammered, horrified, "how's about… 6 work out for you?"
Amy mistook his stammering for nervousness and fainted on the spot. Sonic turned hopefully toward Tails. "She can't go, she fainted," he explained, but the fox shook his head gravely.
"Well, time for me to answer my e-mail!" Knuckles said, plopping down at a computer table. His head was reflected in the glass screen as he typed in knucklesemail.exe
"Cause I'm the e-mail lumberjack, you know I'm cutting down those e-mail trees, those e-mail trees," he sang as the e-mail was called up. "Ahem!"
"Dear Strong Bad, how can you type with boxing gloves on your hands? Crapfully yours, Randolph from Alabama." Knuckles, foaming furiously at the mouth, began to type.
"Ugh, why do you keep getting my name wrong? Second of all, these aren't boxing gloves! Boxing gloves are for leprechauns!" he spat contemptuously. "And Mordik Dwarf Javelin Wielders with +3 Stamina! And they're not spiky gloves, neither! But I will tell you the truth, Redneck from Panorama. I really got these babies in a street fight with a celebrity chef in Uganda." A long flashback that really should have been communicated by text in the e-mail ensued, during which Knuckles beat up an unsuspecting chef. "I stole his prized oven mitts and affixed two paper ice cream cones to them with hot melt glue. And I filled the paper ice cream cones with gravel. So don't mess around!" Suddenly the ceiling caved in and a large sheet of paper shot through the top of the house.
"That's what you get for ripping me off!" shouted a strange, tape-legged, topless, Mexican-wrestling-mask wearing man accompanied by a small yellow duck-like pet. Evidently they had somehow forced the paper through the roof. "Hurry, the Cheat! If we're going to put the King of Town's castle up for auction, we're gonna have to go fast. We're gonna get a vacation cabana on the moooooooooooooooon…" The last word faded out, much to the distress of all concerned. Shadow, for once, was without a pithy comment. Of course, you couldn't really say that they were at a loss for words, because that happens every three paragraphs with this story.
"I'll clean it up," sighed Tails, sweeping the rubble away with his tails while pulling the paper out of the ceiling and burning it.
"You do that," Sonic said, very freaked out. "I'll… er… change for my date with Amy…"
"You don't wear clothes," Knuckles observed sagely.
"How would you know? Are you looking at me nude? Ewww, pervert!" Sonic scurried upstairs while covering himself, dismissing the matter that Knuckles was also unclothed and that neither of them had any visible external "private parts."
When upstairs, Sonic put on a suit and tie to look elegant. As the "suit" was a scuba suit and the "tie" was a tied shoelace, the desired effect was not quite attained. Sonic managed to convince himself that he looked dashing anyway. At least the diving helmet protected him from kisses.
The afternoon dragged on with horrible slowness. Sonic paced his room anxiously. Dinner came and went- everyone else was having it early. Tails pressured Sonic to eat in case Amy drugged the food he was going to eat with her, but Sonic couldn't eat anything.
Shadow made many facetious comments on his own date with Sonic's mother that night, which provoked Sonic to take 8 grams of tranquilizers mixed with antidepressants. He would have washed it down with alcohol, but Tails remembered something about mixing drugs and pills leading to death and told Sonic this. Hearing this, Sonic just shrugged and raised the bottle to his lips, but he didn't have the strength to take out the cork and tried to hit himself over the head with the bottle.
"I think Sonic is upset about something," Knuckles said in a very clueless manner.
At this, the old Sonic returned in full form. He threw the bottle at Knuckles, stood up, and cleared the table with a sweep of his arm. Very conveniently, he swept it in Shadow's direction, so that a mix of roast turkey, cheese and pepperoni pizza, boiled chicken, sweet potato fries, hamburger buns, condiments, hard rolls, burger patties, ears of corn, peas, mashed potatoes, cucumber, tomato and heart of palm salad, beets, stir-fry, Chinese takeout, sushi, sashimi, leg of lamb, pork chops, buffalo wings, flank steak, spare ribs, key lime pie, Neapolitan ice cream (for Knuckles) butterscotch almond cake, Hot Pockets, burritos, olives, root beer, coffee, water, tequila, hot dogs, calzones, stuffed French toast, bread sticks, pancakes, waffles, roast duck, turnips, fruit salad, brown rice, and spring rolls cascaded into the black hedgehog's lap. (AN: Clearly, Sonic and his friends are American.) "YOU THINK? You try having a date with the restraint-less wonder sometime and see how YOU like it! She'll be all over me! I suspect she bathes in Agent Orange or some sort of highly toxic chemical compound…"
"Yeah, I think I saw mustard gas coming out of a cig she was smoking," Tails commented, while Shadow tried to climb from the pile of food he was buried alive in.
"Uh, yeah, I didn't ask your opinion on that, Tails," Sonic said very rudely. "Nobody actually says "cig." Now, where was I…"
Tails, beet red at how obnoxious and judgmental Sonic was being, observed that it was six o'clock.
"Oh shi-" said Sonic, almost swearing, then realized that no convenient explosion or noise had censored him. He tried again, and Shadow cut him off by punting him out the door.
Sonic dashed to Amy's house, moving faster than he ever had in his life, as if Amy herself was right behind him. In that case, he probably wouldn't really be going to Amy's house, but Sonic was unconcerned, because it was a "mettafore." He reached Amy's house, actually going back in time due to his speed, and rang the door.
"Just a minute," came a voice desperately attempting to be alluring and sexy, and Sonic tried not to laugh. He succeeded, managing a terrified whimper instead. Amy came out, her nudity covered by nothing except underwear, a shirt and a medium length skirt. So she wasn't nude at all. That was good.
"Ready to go?" she asked coyly, giving him a large, sloppy wet one on the cheek.
"Yeah, all right, fine," Sonic grumbled. "You know, I'm only taking you out because my friends made me."
"Aw, that's so sweet! Your friends are encouraging you not to be so shy around girls! How adorable, Sonikku!" She tried to administer more kisses, but her lips were burned as Sonic's skin was smoldering due to hatred and rage.
"Where are we going to dinner?" he asked, feeling queasy.
"What? No, we're not having dinner," said Amy blissfully. Ignorance is bliss, thought Sonic as his stomach rumbled, thinking that his joke was hilarious. "We're going to a movie premiere!"
Sonic's heart soared. Even with Amy around, he had never been to a movie premiere. It might be fun, even without having had dinner.
"What movie?" he asked.
At the movie theater…
"Two for Snacks on a Plane, please," Amy asked in a business-like manner.
"SNACKS ON A PLANE? I'm not watching snacks on a plane!" screamed Sonic, spittle frothing from his lips and veins standing out on his skin like titanium bars. "What kind of ham-spanker wants to see a movie about the culinary choices on an airline?"
"Calm down, Sonic," said Amy frostily, applying lipstick.
"CALM DOWN?" A seething stew of obscenities bubbled from Sonic's mouth, each more venomous than the next. Passersby were lifted bodily from their feet and slammed into brick walls and partitions.
"We could be watching The Matrix Dynamite," Amy snapped. Sonic shut up at once, remembering his temper. Like the old saying went, "The All-American Rejects belong in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame." And as the relevant, factually correct saying went, "Count your blessings, or your blessings will count you." Wait, what?
Before Sonic could voice his objections, or plead for a new movie choice, they arrived in the theater. Many washed-up movie stars, such as Courtney Love and Corey Feldman, were all there, as they had nothing better to do and the food and liquor was free here. Sonic, being the savior of the world, was of course ignored. The useless movie stars who had never contributed to anything, except, in Courtney Love's case, the death of Kurt Cobain, got far more attention. But eventually a caterer, having given food to everyone else, grudgingly attended Sonic and Amy.
"Care for some beer and whore dwarves? I mean hors d'oeuvres?" he asked.
Amy requested a small bacon-wrapped fig with honey pecan glaze. "And Sonic, sweetie, why don't you have a cashew-steamed chicken cutlet in the Thousand Island dressing marinade…"
"Don't order for me," growled Sonic. "I couldn't take anything, but thank you."
"The whole reason for catering is to give food away," the caterer muttered. He left out some other ridiculous cracker-like dish for them. Sonic looked around, and then quickly snatched them when the caterer wasn't looking, considering this a prime example of expert theft and subtlety.
Another caterer swept up. "Care for some butter-fried lamb crisps with mint jelly wrapped in fig leaves?"
"What kind of food is this?" demanded Sonic fierily, flaming red with barely suppressed indignation. He turned over the entire catering table out of terrible rage. "Is this some sort of wedding? At catering you're supposed to have real food, not over-planned ritzy little appetizers!"
"Would you prefer me to cook up something hot for you instead?" Amy questioned hoggishly, stuffing her face with the disgustingly intricate little snacks. Sonic, revolted, was silent, although his hostility simmered.
The crowd quieted down as the director of the movie came out.
"Hi, guys and gals! This is the first ever US showing of the feature film Snacks on a Plane and I sincerely hope you like it! I'd like to bring out the stars of the film- the snacks!"
Sonic was outraged as there began some "snack-handling" exercises, like pushing fully grown venomous raspberry pudding deserts with a stick or feeding mice to hungry adult poisonous bags of Trail Mix. When this appalling display ended, he muttered to Amy, "Those guys wouldn't know entertainment if it hit them upside the head!"
"That happened once to me," she explained. As Sonic almost turned epileptic and went through seizures as if he was attached to electrodes, the director continued.
"And now, for the moment that no one would realistically be waiting for… Snacks on a Plane!"
The film opened on the plane, where Samuel Jackson was sitting next to the witness.
"Scared?" he asked.
"No, I'm just scared of flying," the witness explained.
"So you are scared," Jackson said in disgust.
"No, just frightened," the witness sneered, wondering why Jackson didn't get the message. Suddenly a waitress came down the aisle with a food tray.
"Care for some food?" she simpered; baring some flesh just to make the film rated R.
"Yeah, how about some Jell-O cups?" the witness asked.
"Two Jell-O cups," she beamed, handing them to the men. Sam Jackson spit his out, disgusted at the rancid taste it had.
"That's it!" he bellowed, standing with fury in his eyes. "I've had it with these motherf$!ing snacks on this motherf$!ing plane!" Pulling out a gun, he immediately grabbed the cart and started throwing them in microwaves, shooting them, stamping on them, tearing them in half, throwing them in the plane's fuselage and shooting them there, etc. Then a snack bit the pilot and they all died. The end credits began to roll.
"Oh, I wish it was longer!" cried Amy sadly. The critics were all raving about how the film was "the best airborne culinary horror survival picture ever" and how it was "slithering with thrills, chills and spills… some of the messy food variety, but many of the dying passengers." Many of them were coming up with these quotes while receiving substantial cash donations from the movie's directors. Sonic was outraged.
"How could such a horrible film have been created?" he cried. "It was stupid and it made no sense! This is the real reason for the decline of culture! Burn, Hollywood, burn!" And with a maniacal cackle, he set the theater on fire.
A Few Days Later…
"I hope you're happy," Knuckles said to an embarrassed Sonic as they drove from the jail. "Do you have any idea how much bail we had to pay?"
"You could have just waited a week, they never put celebrities in jail for long anyway," said Tails. "In fact, I read about this one case-"
"Uh, see you later, Tails," Sonic ordered. "At least Amy is so appalled at my behavior that she isn't talking to me anymore."
"Like she'll hold that promise for more than a few minutes," Knuckles said, rolling his eyes. Since he was driving, this gesture almost made them crash.
"Finally, it's all over," sighed Sonic. "Ever since Chapter 40, events have gone one after another. Queer Eye came to the house, we had a brief break to make fun of Kingdom Hearts 2. Then we almost drove to Canada, got locked up in Eastern Europe, had to steal a tank, had to stop Bam from using the tank, fought each other, went to Twinkle Park, had to survive Knuckles' cooking, got turned into gothics, went through a media scandal, got haircuts, and now I went on a date with Amy. But finally… we can take a while to relax and take a break… it's all over."
"Remember those chapters where nothing would happen and we'd just sit around the house? Ah, those were the days," sighed Shadow.
"Now, it's done for a while… now," said Knuckles easily, "we can rest." Immediately following this statement, their car drove off a cliff.
"KNU-CKLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!" they all screamed furiously as their car plummeted.
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"Lay your head down, child, I won't let the e-mail man come," sang Knuckles as he loaded a new e-mail. "Count the e-mails like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums…" It appeared on screen.
Yo Knuckles
I must ask you, what's the best and worst dream you ever had?
Thanks, man,
Dimitri
"But of course, my Fat Tony," purred Knuckles darkly. "My best dream went a little bit… a like a this."
Knuckles was swinging in a hammock, eating exotic fruits while servants waited on him hand and foot. A beautiful ocean lagoon surrounded him. Waterfalls, palm trees, blue water and beautiful sky were everywhere. He was putting his feet up on the completed Master Emerald, while watching Rouge look for Chaos Emeralds. A single thread from each article of clothing she was wearing was slowly unraveling, being pulled by winding spools of thread, and it was great fun to watch Rouge desperately try to find the Emeralds before baring all.
"You could have at least untied my hands!" she shrieked fearfully. That was another part of the good dream, she wasn't angry at him.
"No way! You might cut the threads!" Knuckles grinned. Already the hem of her shirt was ending so high that it might as well have been a bikini. Her pant legs, formerly ending at her ankles, now ended a little above her knees. Even her socks and gloves were slowly disappearing.
She found the first Chaos Emerald, and Knuckles signaled for the thread to unwind faster. Just as things were soon to get inappropriate for our 12-year-old audience's tender eyes and ears, Knuckles cut out so that it returned to the e-mail.
"So, you're wondering about my worst dream. Well, it's like this."
The exact same thing happened as before. Rouge was on the brink of losing her clothes; servants were attending Knuckles, etc. Obviously it was the same dream.
But now, Rouge broke out of her hand restraints, ran to the spools of the thread, and spun them the other way, her clothes somehow coming back on. Knuckles watched in horror as she easily found all the Chaos Emeralds. His servants held him down, making faces at him as Rouge stole the Master Emerald and became the strongest person alive. Furious at him, she…
"And that's when I woke up," said Knuckles, relieved.
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Don't worry, the story ain't over yet! Review. "Headwater Daddy" will be furious at the next chapter, as the idea of a chapter involving a car flying through the air was sort of his.
Review hypotheses:
Uhyeahitsteamdark: Yeah, basically it sucked, it was boring, who likes Germans, just kidding it was great.
O-O-Crimson-Whatever: It was hilarious! Keep writing!
Ellie: Funny chappy!
Tweedle Dumbass: I have returned, Mecha Scorpion!
So, essentially it was funny. (Quote story excessively here.) There was maybe one part that wasn't that great.
It is very, very good! I give it 4 roller skates out of 5!
Well, this is Tweedle Dee's brother, Tweedle Dumbass, reading, reviewing and getting into food fights with the Dutch.
Justin Time: I don't know, something long I guess.
The notorious "Headwater Daddy": Yo, yo, yo, brother fletch! Oodles and oodles of wondrous arrows undid this story like parchment cheese clockworks. No need to worry, this story has me covered extensively from Tuesday back again! Looks like Sonic is once, no, TWICE again furious with Spanish-speaking country metal guitarists and angertemperment. Outrageous but melancholy, with a side of Shakespeare!