May 12, 2011

A Choice of Duty

By Deadly Off Topic

Part 2

"I did not realize that you were interested in such things." The surprise in Loghain's voice was there for those who knew how to read him, echoing through those heavy-handed words in small rippling currents to peer shyly among the waves. "It - it is amazing." He was running his callus fingers slowly over the numerous arrays of the maps Elissa had given him with an almost sort of reverence. Some of these were old with edges frayed and tattered, but the love and care in keeping them preserved was there - evident in the way someone had cared for the vellum and kept it well oiled.

"I figured you might gleam some sense in these. Perhaps find some route into the city where the fighting might be at the least resistance so that we can wedge ourselves in." Her stance with him was always neutral - always careful - as if she were a child awaiting the fickle attention of a drunken parent who might lash out with one mighty punch when her attention was the most diverted. Given how deep the waters ran between them, Elissa knew that any so called trust they shared was fragile, almost brittle to say the least. Everything done now had to be done with care - with deliberate intention. After all, Howe had taken so much from her and he had done so beneath Loghain's protective shadow. Under Loghain's authority.

"Some of these yes, but these here? Where did you get all these? This is Highever and-" Whatever other maps he might have named died in his throat as he looked over at her and realized the implication of that name - of that place. Brown eyes and sea-green eyes collided in a clash of unsaid words. Words that would have been detrimental, to put it mildly, to both of them if they had only been said.

Why were her lips hurting? And belatedly Elissa realized that she was frowning to stem the flood of words that wanted to pool over... to scream out. This was not the time nor the place to make such a mistake. Anger and betrayal... all that emotional pain that had driven her to seek revenge against Howe and the man who had been instrumental in giving Howe that power... it had no place here. She needed to get to the Arch-Demon - it had to die before anything she needed to say - had to say... could ever be allowed out. For that she needed to keep the fragile peace between Loghain and herself.

Instead with stiff fingers she trailed over the vellum, allowing the brisk, bitter movement to speak where her tone of voice was not allowed to go. At least not yet. "It doesn't matter. I collected them once. I- won't need them any more." Expelling breath, she looked back at him, her gaze more neutral now as if those words had found a way to bring under control all the upheaval that was walloping beneath her skin.

"I... see." Loghain reached for the map she had indicated and his gaze was the hardened gaze borne of a soldier that has survived more battles then he should have been allowed to. "This is not a casual thing you have done." And with those words said he turned that hardened gaze and let it drift from the makeshift table they had erected some ells from the city - a final regrouping point where they would gather the last of their army before making the final push into the city.

"No. It is not." Elissa was surprised she could spare the truth in those words where truth was a powerful commodity in this dangerous game she was playing with Loghain... this cat and mouse game where he was no longer the cat and she was no longer the mouse. "But I was told once by my father that you had an inkling for such things." A fascination was closer to the truth, but none of this was important anymore. They had to focus on Denerim and the dark spawn - anything else was secondary.

Even Alistair.

He nodded in recognition of her words (almost as if he had heard her thoughts) before he fixed his eyes on the vellum again. "But if you forgive me, time is short. You asked my opinion for the coming battle and this is what I have ready for you. If I may?"

They both knew that they had wasted too much time on all these meaningful silences and half said sentences, but this pause was also a delay in itself. Elissa suddenly wondered if Loghain had words he wanted to say... words that had nothing to do with dark spawn, the Arch-Demon and the coming deaths themselves? No. They did not have time for words to go down a different path... She would keep her rigid hand on this course until it killed her. "Please do so."

Denied.

As if they had verbally fenced, he bowed his head to acknowledge his momentary defeat. "We should go through the front gate as that's the most tactical choice given what our scouts tell us. The gates are gaping open. Broken, most likely by the Ogres on their first wave into the city. It seems their intent is to go straight to the heart of Denerim. Their rear is unprotected. In my opinion, we could go right in on their tails and gut them from behind." Loghain trailed a finger across the vellum in a circular pattern. "I would say to concentrate our forces here. Once in, we can open up like a fan and make a clean sweep."

"Then lets get this ready. The faster this is done, the sooner Denerim will be free of the dark spawn." And she kept that other voice silent, the one that swore and cursed inside her that this was all madness... that she was a fool to throw aside every remote thought and feeling she ever had... to become almost akin to the aloof, distant Sten who stood silently watching behind them. Did he approve of her actions, did he even care... one could never tell with the Qunari and perhaps that was just the point of it.

At another time and place, a younger Elissa would not have recognize what she was becoming, but not so now. A grim, cold incalculable thing that moved as if she were clockwork precision made flesh. As if she were one of many cogwheels that could only click rhythmically with its other parts. All it would take would be to dislocate a wheel, tear a spring and where would she be then?

What would it matter? There was no fire now, no inescapable cry of raging emotion that once was her very spark, her very being. Instead, all that remained was an iron fist held tightly around the shell of the woman she might once have been. If something broke...

No! Nothing could be allowed to break until after... until it was okay to die.

Loghain spared her a look from his- her maps and something in his gaze caught and held with hers. Was that mutual understanding? No, she refused to think that they could share anything in common... especially this. Certainly, not this. "I.. I believe I'm ready for this. No, in fact I know I am. This is my duty. I am ready to do it."

"As am I. Lets go."