Thanks to Mr. Wizard, whitem, daccu65, CajunBear73, Josh84, campy, screaming phoenix, Shrike176, Jurnee Jakes, Eddy13, Travis Hicks, Quathis, Katsumara, Guns Knives and Napalm, noncynic, Sacred White Phoenix, LTAOZFAN, Drag0nf1y, cpneb, , Danny-171984, bigherb81, Jillie Rose, Classic Cowboy, Molloy, Michael Howard, and Pablo Gilberto for reviewing and to everyone for reading.
As ever, leave a review and I will reply.
My eternal thanks to Molloy for his beta and proofreading assistance with this story.
KP © Disney
Peter responded to Kim's declaration by doing something she'd seen her fiancé do many, many, many times over the years.
"Okay, maybe that's a good sign in the Afterlife …" Ron said without much conviction.
"Ron, rubbing the back of one's neck nervously is never a good sign," Kim said. Fixing her steely gaze on Peter, she demanded, "Spill."
Peter sighed. "You can't come with me."
"I knew it!" Ron wailed as he dropped to his knees. "We're going to the Other Place! Why, oh why, did I let myself be blinded by that mad quest for Zombie Mayhem greatness?
"Is he usually like this?" Peter asked.
"More often than you'd think," Kim said. "But he's harmless and his cooking more than makes up for the melodrama. So, just what is the sitch?"
"How I rue the day I ever picked up a game controller!" Ron cried out.
Peter winced. "Will he be done soon?"
Ron looked up at Kim and Peter. "You guys want me to finish?"
"Please and thank you," she said.
"Uno momento," Ron said to his fiancée. "We're going to spend all of eternity consumed by an unquenchable inferno because of my foolish dream of entering video game heaven! Oh, the irony!" His overwrought declaration complete, Ron rose to his feet. "Okay, KP. All done."
"Thanks," she said with a smirk.
"First, you're not going to Hell," Peter said.
"Whew," Ron said with great relief.
"Though stealing of any kind is highly deplorable. I'm sure you know that it's on the Top Ten list."
"Uh, yeah," Ron said, reddening.
"So don't do it again."
"Gotcha," Ron said sheepishly.
"Good," Peter said, satisfied that Ron had gotten the message. "Now, here's the problem: We simply don't have room for you."
"Excuse me?" an incredulous Kim replied. "You so can't be serious."
"Unfortunately," Peter said. "I am."
"Wait a minute," Ron said. "You mean to tell me that some hoity-toity operation like the Afterlife can't find a couple of spare beds? I mean, it's not like Kim and me are all that big and, besides, we want to be married—"
"Married?" Peter interjected.
"That's right," Kim said, taking Ron's hand. "We were engaged tonight and had planned to spend the rest of our lives together."
"Which we'd expected to be long and happy until your bud Death knocked on the wrong door," Ron added peevishly.
"A post-life marriage would be highly unusual," Peter said, much to the disappointment of Kim and Ron. "However, given the circumstances, I think we can arrange for some dispensation."
"Badical!" Ron exulted. "So, you see? Now we only need one place to hang our hats. Or halos. Or harps. Or, hey, do you think we could play trumpets instead? Trumpets are kind of cool and harps are, oh, I don't know, wimpy."
"I'm looking forward to watching you tell King David that he was a wimp," Peter said.
"King David plays a harp?" Ron asked. "I thought he wielded a slingshot."
"Let me guess," Kim said with an all-too-practiced roll of the eye. "You missed that class at Hebrew School."
"Hey, I was busy that childhood," Ron said defensively. "Still, if the number one action hero in Jewish hist—"
"Ron, focus," Kim said sharply.
"Will do," Ron replied contritely.
"Thank you," she said, squeezing his hand. Then she turned to Peter. "Now, about the no vacancy sign. I am so not down with that given that it was your mistake that got us into this sitch."
"Well, it wasn't me personally …" Peter said defensively.
"Dude," Ron said. "It was your people. Same thing."
"Okay, fair enough," Peter conceded.
"Hey, I've got an idea," Ron said. "If you guys have a full house, why don't you just give us the spots you had set aside for the people Death was supposed to knock off? It's not like they need them."
"You interested in wearing SPF 3 million?" Peter asked.
Ron gulped.
"Moving onto Plan B," Kim suggested.
"Admittedly," Peter said, "this situation doesn't reflect positively on us …"
"Understatement much?" Kim said.
"… But heaven is a very complex place. We have to accommodate trillions and trillions of souls from countless worlds and dimensions, providing roles and places for each and every one as they arrive."
"But we're versatile!" Ron said. "Kim can do anything and I, well, I've got hustle!"
"Which is why Michael had his eye on you."
"Michael?" Kim asked.
"Archangel who, with some others, fights the Forces of Darkness – Powers, Principalities, Dominions, Satanic minions, that kind of thing."
"Coolio!" Ron said. "We're going to be part of HJ!"
"HJ?" Peter asked.
"Let me guess: Heavenly Justice," Kim offered, a wry smile on her face. The smile, however, quickly turned to something harder as she crossed her arms, cocked an eyebrow, and peered at Peter, who suddenly felt quite uncomfortable. "You just mentioned that someone had plans for us," Kim said. "Yet a few minutes ago you told us that our futures were contingent and unknowable. Something's so not kosher here."
"Actually, everything's kosher," Peter explained. "We know who's coming to the afterworld, we just don't know when. And while we can't be sure how your lives will unfold – and thus whether you go to the proverbial upstairs or downstairs – we can make predictions. Our models indicated that it was highly unlikely that either of you would turn evil on your own."
"How unlikely is unlikely?" Ron asked.
"How about as unlikely as Kim leaving you to become a professional Captain Constellation fan girl and you moving into a bachelor pad with your cousin Shawn and his pet iguana," Peter suggested.
"KP! I thought you hated Captain Constellation!"
"I do," Kim groaned. "I'm not a hundred percent on this sitch. It's so many flavors of wrong."
"I will readily grant you that," Peter said. "As I said before, I am terribly sorry about what has happened tonight."
"And while I appreciate the apology, Ron and I are still dead with nowhere to go," Kim said.
"Hey, we can always stay here," suggested Ron.
"What are you talking about?" Kim asked.
"The tree house," Ron answered. "We can haunt it! We are ghosts, aren't we?"
"Essentially, yes," Peter answered. "At least until we settle you in Heaven."
"See, KP?" Ron said with satisfaction, obviously pleased with his plan. "We're Chauncey."
"You are so flawed," Kim said.
"Not this time, Kimbo," Ron replied. "Think about it," he said with mounting enthusiasm. "It'll only be until Peter and his peeps get us squared away Upstairs. Till then, we can come and go as we please, spook whoever we want."
"Wait a minute. You actually want me to haunt people?" she asked. "I am so not going to be some ghastly ghoul!"
"'Sha! There's no way someone as beautilicious as you could be a ghastly anything," he said, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. "I was thinking more along the lines of you being a glamorous ghost with a bon-diggity spectral sidekick. Just imagine the look on Drakken's and Shego's faces when we materialize or whatever it is ghosts do and bust up their latest scheme …"
"Hmm." Kim rubbed her chin and began to contemplate this new and unexpected option for fighting the bad guys. Drakken and Shego, who'd married and then returned to a life of villainy after the ruckus arising from the Lorwardian invasion had died down, had been suspiciously quiet as of late.
"… Then we can go smack down Dementor! And put the brakes on Motor Ed! And, and—"
"I get the idea," Kim said with a smile as she placed a finger on Ron's lips. She then turned to Peter. "What do you think?"
"It's unorthodox, but then again this whole situation is unorthodox," Peter said. "I think we have a workable plan."
"Spankin'" Kim said.
"Very good, then," Peter said. "I suspect it won't be too long before we can accommodate you. Until then, good luck, enjoy yourselves, and, if Lucifer shows up offering you a supposedly better deal, turn him down unless you're interested in forfeiting your immortal souls to eternal damnation."
"No need to worry," Ron said confidently. "You can just call me Mr. Resistance. Nobody's gonna swindle Ron Stoppable with some slick Satanic sales spiel!"
"Nice alliteration," Kim said admiringly.
"I try," he replied, now beaming with pride.
"What if he offers donuts?" she gibed playfully.
Ron laughed nervously. "Okay, maybe I'll let you do the resisting for both of us."
"Smart boy," she said approvingly as she linked her fingers with his.
"I should take my leave now," Peter said. "Again, my deepest apologies for the inconvenience."
"Wait," Kim said. "Before you go …"
"Yes?"
"Do you think you could do something about us?" she asked, gesturing towards the two entwined bodies.
"How's this?" Peter asked. Kim and Ron were amazed to see their bodies now sitting up, cuddling close, with Ron's arm around Kim's shoulder and her head resting in the crook of his neck. They wore contented smiles and appeared to be asleep while Kim's left hand, with its engagement ring showing, rested on her lap.
"That is the coolest thing I've ever seen," Ron said in awe. "And it isn't going to hurt us!"
Peter smiled, dipped his head in acknowledgment of Ron's compliment, and then disappeared, leaving Kim and Ron alone.
"Well, this evening turned out differently than expected," Ron said.
"Oh, I don't know about that," Kim observed.
"What do you mean?" Ron said. "We're dead!"
"Actually, I think we're alive, just in a different way," Kim said. "Which means you're stuck with me forever since you asked me to spend the rest of my life with you."
"KP, I'm all about being stuck with you." Ron said as he wrapped his arms around Kim. "After all, you are without doubt the most bon-diggity lover, in this or any life."
"You're not that bad yourself," she said, bringing her lips to his. After they kissed, she rested her head on his shoulder. "I'm so glad we can still do that."
"Yeah," Ron agreed, softly.
They held each other in silence, enjoying each other's presence. Finally, Kim drew back, though she remained in her fiancé's arms. She looked at their bodies, peacefully seated on the couch, then at Ron.
"They're going to come looking for us," Kim observed, knowing that their parents would eventually wonder why their children, who were visiting from college, had not returned home. Sooner or later they'd make their way to the old tree house. "Things are going to get exciting around here. Maybe we should ace this place for a while."
"You sure, KP?"
Kim nodded, surprised by how at peace she was with things. While she was sad and knew that some time in the future she'd want, indeed need, to check on her family, just as she knew Ron would too, she was also excited by the new adventure she and her beloved were about to share.
"Well then, after you," Ron said, gesturing to the hatch with a gentlemanly bow and flourish.
Kim snorted, blew him an air kiss, and approached the exit.
Now ready to leave, they looked at themselves one last time, climbed through the hatch and began to make their way down to the base of the tree.
"I'm glad we're still solid," Kim observed.
"Yeah, though I'm hoping we'll figure out how to dematerialize so we can walk through walls," Ron replied.
"You are so weird," she said.
"Hey, I am what I—whoops!"
Ron was taken by surprise when his foot missed a rung and he slipped. Rather than fall to the ground, though, he did a clumsy flip and found himself floating upside down a few feet above the ground. "Coolio!" he exclaimed. Filled with childlike wonder, he began doing some back-flips.
"Ron, stop fooling around," Kim said, unable to hide her bemusement and delight at what she was seeing.
"Fear not, KP. My head's in the game," he said as he gently drifted towards the ground. Much to his chagrin, the moment he touched down, his pants fell to his ankles. "Aw, man! Not even when I'm a ghost!"
Kim covered her mouth and tried, without much success, to stifle her giggles. "Come on, you big goof," she said affectionately. "Let's go."
As Ron adjusted his trousers, Kim smiled. Then she twined her fingers with his and they began to walk, hand-in-hand, across the moonlit grass and into their future.