Sonic Insanity

DGO will find this chapter rather familiar, as many of the jokes were from that all-nighter we pulled with the Halo 2 maniac and the Polish assassin, i.e two guys who suck at video game golf. This, plus "Headwater Daddy's" ludicrous story being partial inspiration, is making for a plagiarism-ariffic chapter!

Thanks to my good friend Sour Schuyler, we have now reached 800 reviews! Thank you, thank you, one and all.

First day of school for me. Yay, hurrah.

To "Sideways Ponytail Parade:" It's spelled charades, loser. Nice try there. (waves hands next to neck while rolling his eyes) And balderdash is spelled with two A's. No o's about it.

I'm sorry, -O-Crimson-0-Nightshade-O-, I just couldn't remember your name, all right? What's with the sweat drops, I thought those were reserved for awkward occasions.

I have added more description. Not anything too fancy, but just due to a request. OOC factor is deplorable, I know.

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"You imbecile, Knuckles!" roared Shadow as they plunged off the cliff in the car. Tails had his head out the car window like a dog, the earth looming near. "Why did you drive us off a cliff?"

"Yeah, guys, this ain't funny," said Sonic childishly, huddled in the back seat like a baby. "I've got a dentist's appointment!"

"Hey, chill, guys, it could be worse," Knuckles reprimanded them. He had his feet up on the steering wheel, but since they were falling straight down it was more like he was standing up. Thus he was now bracing himself against it, accidentally honking the horn repeatedly.

"Yeah, he's right, guys!" said Tails, who was more than likely lying. "Remember that wedding in Alabama?"

"Will we ever have a flashback about that?" Knuckles questioned in a grumpy manner, being far more concerned that the readers would see a funny flashback than with his own life.

"Sure, why not," replied Fat Tony, I mean Sonic. It began…

The wedding was going well. The opulent ballroom was bedecked in ornate garlands, flower arrangements and silk drapes. Couples danced and ate and laughed and sang and did other matrimonially related activities. Everyone consumed squirrel casserole and fried chicken and other stereotypical southern food.

"I love you," whispered the husband into his bride's ear. Offended, she slapped him. Then, after this, shall we say, "unlikely" occurrence, something happened that was even more uncommon.

A long crack appeared on the ceiling, followed by more that formed a spider web pattern outward. Pressure caused it to buckle, and rubble cascaded over the gala affair. Tables were pinned under slabs of mortar and bricks landed in the middle of punch bowls. A heavy wooden wicker frame appeared. Dust came down, and many men reached for their guns (NRA).

There was a massive wrenching sound, and the wicker frame dropped further in. There was shouting and screaming as the box dropped further, dangling by strings coming through the ceiling. A huge propane fuel burner was pitched over the side, and it shattered on the ground. The wicker frame dropped further.

And suddenly it fell, the large colorful balloon coming down in multihued tatters on top of it. The wicker frame was draped over by a tent, and four wrathful figures stumbled out, cursing and swearing.

"-taken that right turn at Detroit!" spat a dusty blue hedgehog, quills in brilliant disarray.

"It wasn't my idea to sail around the world in a hot air balloon," grumbled Shadow, glaring at Knuckles. Knuckles looked like he was about to deny this, but he kept glancing over at the balloon, which was in the shape of his own head.

"Um, guys, what should we say to these people?" Tails muttered nervously, looking around at the indignant wedding attendants.

"Tails, how about you sit over there and stop indicating that you exist or communicate with the outside world in any way," hissed Sonic irrationally. Fuming, the only intelligent one of them quickly left.

"I know the local dialect of these people," lied Knuckles happily. He began, starting to speak in the whitest voice possible. "Yo, homies, let's bounce!"

End flashback…

"I thought we'd never get out of the hospital after that," reminisced Sonic.

"We're in the middle of a crisis!" shrieked Shadow insanely, who was trying to remedy the problem by shooting the car with guns. The dashboard was soon perforated, and the glass was frosted with bullet holes.

"Me too!" said Tails.

"I know!" said Sonic. "I have a plan!"

"I'm pregnant," blurted Tails. Nobody paid any attention to him.

"We can cut out the airbags and use them as parachutes!" Sonic said triumphantly. Shadow was considering the idea.

"No way, Jose!" laughed Tom DeLay, falling down next to them. Instantly all their airbags disappeared. "I just drafted legislation saying that airbags are illegal!"

"OK," growled Sonic. "Then we can perform a sky-diving formation to slow us down!"

"It's a girl!" announced Tails delightedly. Knuckles fired him a look of disgust.

"You can't!" insisted Tom DeLay. "I just drafted legislation saying that saving yourself from imminent disaster is illegal!"

At this, Shadow launched himself from the car, pulling the door off behind him, and began to beat Tom DeLay up with it as they fell. Sonic was suddenly inspired by inspiration.

"Guys! Pull off the car doors! We can use them to cushion our landing!" he cried. Tails began to think of names for his baby.

Suddenly, all of the car doors turned into sliding doors instead of regular ones that open on a hinge. Tom DeLay had evidently drafted more legislation. Spitting mad, Sonic saw the ground looming closer.

And then, the car stopped, inches from the ground.

"Out of gas," Knuckles said, quite relieved.

Sonic was beside himself. "OUT OF GAS? That doesn't have any bearing on the rules of gravity! The car wasn't even being propelled BY gasoline!"

Shadow, not being inside the car, faced a pretty rough fate. Actually, he landed on the antigravity booster two feet to the left of the car, which kept him suspended in midair. Tom DeLay and the car door were nowhere to be found, although the crumpled ball of metal with arms and legs sticking out of it that Shadow was busy Chaos Controlling away might have had something to do with it.

"So, shall we do anything?" inquired Shadow lugubriously.

"Guys, I named her Ebony!" shrieked Tails, clutching his newborn.

"Tails, we're not going to pay you any more attention just because you act like you're pregnant," Sonic lied, I mean, snarled.

"She's already born, but whatever," Tails grumped, the child disappearing in a puff of cards.

"I know! Let's play cards!" Sonic said. "And Shadow can deal!"

"No, I won't," hissed Shadow.

"Yeah you will," Sonic assured him. "Now, what should we play?"

"Did you even hear me, blue hedgehog?" frothed Shadow.

"Poker? Aw, not again, Shadow, we play that all the time!" Sonic protested. "I was thinking more like gin rummy or sneaky prince or buccaneer's deuce or blind fig or-"

"I'm not playing any card games!" screeched Shadow, stamping his feet immaturely.

"FINE, fine, we'll play poker," sighed Sonic, wondering why Shadow had to be so persistent. Shadow, irritated, ran back home.

They each clutched their hands, sitting upon the dusty ground, their car hovering in the air above them. Sonic drew 2 more, Tails drew 4, and Knuckles didn't draw any.

"I bet 10 g's," Tails pronounced, laying a dime in the betting pools. Tails often confused thousands of dollars for cents somehow.

"OK, I'll see you and raise you-"

"I fold!" Tails said dramatically.

"Tails, you should wait until I've betted," sneered Sonic.

"Fine."

"OK, I'll see you, Tails, and raise 4 dollars," Sonic grinned.

"I'll see you and raise you two rocks and a shred of debris," Knuckles cackled.

"I'll see you there and raise you 2 dollars!" Tails shrieked.

"I'll see that and raise 4!"

"I'll see that and raise a garbage can lid!"

Eventually the betting ended. Knuckles had not contributed anything other than regular objects. Soon Knuckles was winning, especially because he never gambled any real money. Many of the others were just left holding rocks and trashcan lids while he got all their cash.

Disgusted, they all went home, arguing the whole way. After trudging exhaustedly into the house, they entered the living room to find Shadow brandishing a paper excitedly.

"Guys! Look!" squealed Shadow. "Evanescence is having a concert at the civic center!"

"Why, is the civic center scheduled for demolition?" raged Sonic frenziedly. "Tails and I aren't going. We're going to…" He brandished a piece of paper of his own. "Nowhere!"

"What's on that piece of paper, then?" asked Shadow.

"Oh, I don't know, I just thought it would seem better," Sonic exclaimed.

"We could watch the Top 10 Bush Moments on TV," Tails pointed out.

"Oh, that should be hilarious," groaned Sonic. Shadow turned on the talking picture box.

"And coming in at Number 9 is this leak from the White House!" shouted the announcer.

The camera was hidden but you could hear Bush very clearly. "What? Those French commies aren't behind our holy crusade? And Germany, too? Don't they realize that we got to do this in the name of God and Jesus? I mean, people use religion for a lot of wars and it never turned out that bad!" There was muttering. "Well, you know what I always say: "if you isn't along with of us, you is against what we of us!" There was a brief silence, a delay, and a translator came in. "Tell him 'if you isn't alongside of us, are you of against with the ways of us?"

"He means 'if you're not with us, you're against us,'" the translator interpreted. Sonic was on the floor, tears streaming from both eyes.

"Yeah, that!" Bush muttered. "Well, we'll just have to drop bombs on those Western European heathens as well too! …What do you mean, our deficit is too low to justify making more bombs? Malarkey, I say! Those liberals and their fancy number addition will bring down America! They might be good on a calculator, but how good do you think they are at fly-fishing or hunting? Exactly." There was more muttering on the other end.

"Well, how about this," drawled Bush. "We take all the bombs we've already got and sort of… lump em and… make em together into one big bomb. Then we cut out a hole in the middle in the shape of the United States, drop it, and the whole bomb will fall around us and I can be on the golf course at noon without having to worry bout none o' them dark-skinned rabid liberal apologists!"

Sonic was now opening and closing his mouth like a fish, utterly paralyzed with mirth. The funniest part was that there could be 8 FUNNIER things than this. Shadow glanced balefully at the TV.

"Come on, Knuckles," he said, "let's go to the Evanescence concert."

"No!" Knuckles refused adamantly.

"Why not? Um… they've got rapping!" Shadow improvised.

"I'm there!"

"One of their songs is called 'Lacrymosa!' And another is called 'The Last Song I'll Ever Waste On You!' And another is called 'Call Me When You're Sober!' Are they trying to appeal to ANY guy audience at all? What are they, the Dixie Chicks?" sneered Sonic.

"They've got a hot girl," Shadow was quick to say.

"I'm there!"

"She's not hot! Americans just think any female celebrity is hot unless she's so ugly that there's no denying it!" Sonic growled.

"Face it, you've lost," Shadow smirked, as Sonic sank to the floor in utter misery since he had failed to rescue Knuckles from the horrible fate that awaited him at the hands of the girlish band. "You and Tails can watch Bush in action while we go… to the Evanescence concert!"

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An Evanescence concert! Will Shadow and Knuckles survive? And what idiocy will Bush spew forth with? CAUTION: the next chapter will offend people who like Evanescence and Bush. I think there should be prescriptions for liking those things… Review.