A Choice of Duty

By Deadly off Topic

Part 3

Why have you done this?

He felt the brutal weight of each word echoed inside him with clear resounding hammer swings. Each swing was painful, but not so painful as the abrupt, sudden impact of understanding each word slammed home. She is out there alone. Without you! Left you behind!

He wanted to close his eyes, maybe even curl up somewhere to just turn his back on those words, but Alistair found it impossible. Once on a path chosen, he seldom deviated from it... especially not now, not when he had scrounged up the last of the men left him at Eamon's estate and his few remaining companions who she had not taken with her. She took the elf! She took Sten! SHE TOOK LOGHAIN!

Ignore it, force the air back into your lungs, don't think about it... just focus on the darkness of night over head, the wild overgrowth to the side of the road that you can barely see... just do NOT think of this- of her! He knew if he could steady his clumsy nerves that Alistair would hear the pattering of feet behind him on the stones, the twenty or so men who formed his guards. He might even hear the soft, fluted voice of Leilana talking to Wynne and... if he focussed really hard he could pick up Shale slinking quietly along at the back. (And how was Shale able to stay that quiet anyway? Her - no IT's- entire body was made of stone! Must have been the magic.) All this he could pick up if he could simply focus and relax... why wasn't he-

She left you behind because she loved you. ...to die because she loved you...love you...love you...love...

"Argh!" Alistair ran his hands angrily through his hair. "Why won't this stop?"

"Hey! You alright up there?"

"Ah, Oghren." Hands instantly were at Alistair side as he coughed. "I'm fine. Of course, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be okay?"

Oghren was stroking his dark red beard thoughtfully as he peered up at Alistair. His laissez faire attitude shining proudly in his dark eyes. "Oh, doesn't matter to me if you're getting jumpy and all. I-"

"Jumpy! What? Me?" Alistair glanced quickly behind him, noticing the rows of helmets still in their movements. There were probably faces underneath those helms, but right now he was very glad he couldn't see them. Good thing he wasn't the one carrying the lantern. His face would have been a ghastly sight of jittery nerves. Just NOT what a good leader was suppose to show. He forced his voice to sound more confident and sure of itself than it actually was. "What... no. I'm good. I'm here to kick dark spawn ass."

"Hey, look, don't get antsy on me. I mean, here we are - double timing it all the way to Denerim to get back the best warden that ever lived... sadly, your girl friend -"

"Sadly?"

"-and you're just shaking and sweating all to yourself. I figured someone's gotta give you a pep talk and all-"

"Oh. You were worried about me?" Alistair sounded touched.

"And as I lost to Shale on which of us would do it, here I am."

Probably he's smiling, Alistair thought as he looked at the shadowed face of the dwarf, although he could be frowning too. He wasn't going to try to look any deeper as the reek of ale washed over him in one easy breath. It was easier to focus on those kind of thoughts instead of the simple one that said, Should have known. "Ah. Thank you, I think, but I'm good. Just getting myself psyched up is all. I'm ready to go wild."

"Oh dear. I guess it's too late then." The consternation in the voice was coupled at the same time with "oh well, it's your loss!"

"Hey, what does-" But barely midway in sentence, Oghren had backed up and was making his way through the guards to where Shale was. Well, that seemed pointless. Now what had he been thinking before Oghren interrupted him? Was it-

"Alistair! Are you all ready for battle?" Leilana's voice was friendly as she bounded up to the Templar, but pitch of it had seemed a bit rushed...a bit high for some reason. "I mean, look at you. Great king getting ready for battle! It must be amazing for you!" Given she was carrying a lantern, he could see clearly the brilliant, warm smile plastered on her face. Leave it to the over zealous, happy-go lucky bard to see the up side of going up against the Arch-demon. So bloody happy and eager... so really unfair that all Alistair felt was jumble of tied-up nerves. I wish I could be this flighty.

"As I told Oghren, I'm fine. I'm good to go." Alistair couldn't help noticing that he was freezing and his breath was fogging up his face. Why was it so bloody cold? It was only an hour or two after midnight. "There's no need to worry about me."

"Oh nonsense. You may be our leader, but you're a person too."

"I'm glad you noticed." He hadn't meant to sound sarcastic and he was relieved that she hadn't picked up on it, even though he quickly added. "But hey, I'm a King now... I'm not supposed to show a human side... so lets keep it a secret, okay."

"Oh Alistair. Eli- I mean, everyone knows you're human. Cough, is that smoke?"

The night chill brushed against Alistair making him shiver as he stared at Leilana. He knew what she had almost said, but he let it go. Playing the ruse to the end, he lifted his face to the fire that was greeting them. "The Arch Demon has torched the whole city."

He shivered again.

This damnable chill. Where was it coming from? Why was he freezing when he should be sweating? And why did he feel his heart aching as he looked beyond the gate into the ruinous chaos running amok within.

"Alistair. Don't look so pale. Your men are going to think you're a ghost." The friendly remonstration came from Wynne who strode to his left. Though the aged lady looked as if she would reach out and brush idle strands of hair from his bloodless face, she stayed her matronly hand. Instead she too spoke with wisps of mist clouding the front of her face. "You must be the leader for these people. And right now you shouldn't allow any personal feelings to get in your w-"

"I'm not, Wynne. It's just pretty hard to be a leader when my Lady Warden had taken all my men and we're facing that! Burning wreck of a city and she-"

And then epiphany happened for him.

He always expected an epiphany to be a loud clapping noise with a sudden arrow pointing VOILA! But no. It was soft, hardly spoken and just sitting there...like an unseen flower hiding in tall grass.

"Dear Maker, you three didn't need to do this for me. I know that I have to be strong and my attention shouldn't be divided right now, but Elissa," and there he said her name! "Is here and I NEED to find her. If that fails me as King, I'm sorry... I guess I'm just NOT king material, but I won't fail her as a man. I won't fail myself as a man." He laughed at himself, an embarrassing little chuckle that was too self-conscious even for him.

"Alistair. No, I did not mean," but Wynne's words stopped suddenly as the Templar faced her with serious brown eyes.

"I know. Just let me be a man. If it's pathetic and useless, then so be it." So visible was the scar revealed in his wounded gaze that Wynne lowered her face. Alistair knew that she was right, that he needed to be strong and to hide any feeling - any fear - he had for Elissa and Maker, he hadn't meant to use her name... let alone remind himself that his warden was in this city alone.. in the thick of things... trying to get herself killed.

Killed.

Oh, Maker! Elissa, you damn fool!

But.

This weakness was who he was...and if he couldn't be allowed to live through this pain... when would he be? Would it be something he would have to hold onto throughout his entire life? Would it be something to torture him?

"Okay. Now I'm not really one for speeches, but you all know why we're here. Now, I'm not saying I'm some great leader and I'm not even going to pretend that I think I'm something that I'm not... but you have all come here in order to support me and for that I appreciate it. I can't say that I won't fail you at some inopportune moment, but that I'm going to do my damnest not to. That sounded a lot better in my head, actually. Look, I know that right now all I have are 20 men -" He found himself suddenly saying and just as quickly was interrupted.

"Plus me," piped in Leliana from somewhere on his left. He saw a flash of red hair in the afterglow of dragon fire from the walls ahead. "Don't leave me out of this Alistair."

"Alright. All I have are 20 men, a thief, a mage-"

"And a dwarf." The low voice could have come from any pair of legs behind him, but Alistair did not bother to search Oghren out. Bad enough they were interrupting him from his thoughts and what he had been trying to say... what had he been trying to say? Gah!

"Well, I didn't want to be rude, but is anyone going to count the rock statue... you know the awesome golem you have with you?" Shale's rocky voice reeked of offended sarcasm as she shambled loudly through the 20 guards who moved instantly out of her path. It was almost comedic to see the men spill away like water. "I've been standing here the entire time and not one of you thought to include me. You know "it" would have considered my feelings."

"Well, "IT" is not here," Alistair answered curtly, both surprising himself and those around them by what he had just said. ""IT" has decided to leave you behind and you are stuck with me." It? Am I reduced to calling her it?

"Oh goody."

Never were two words soaked in so much sarcasm as those were. And there was no point in staring Shale down because the golem had one distinct advantage over him. She didn't blink.

Great. Just bloody great! This whole event has just run away from him. And here was a combined team effort trying to get me to be a leader. Well, if it wasn't for the thing with him still wearing pants and people still being alive, it hadn't turned out half bad yet. Turning to face them, Alistair waved his hands to call them all under attention. "Okay already! I have a bunch of people following me. Would any one else like to take offense? I know I have all the time in the world to do roll call."

And what bothered Alistair the most wasn't the fact that they were all standing to attention with all eyes on him as if they were waiting on him. Oh no, that would have been too easy, annoying, but easy. What bothered him was that they were looking at him as if they were guiltless in this. If only they'd let him say what he had been about to say earlier.

Which is totally going to be out of context now because they ruined my moment, he realized belatedly. Gah. Why couldn't people let him talk when he had the words ready. Now he couldn't remember exactly what or how he wanted to say them and even if he did speak them... he'd come off looking stupid. Which wasn't unusual for him, but he had an image he was trying to change. "Okay then. Lets do formal greetings. Dark spawn - 20 guards, a thief, mage, dwarf and golem. golem, dwarf, mage, thief, 20 guards - Dark spawn. Play," nice? No. That would be stupid. "...have fun? Charge!"

Forty-eight pair of eyes blinked in the semi-darkness of night and 24 mouths breathed chilled puffs of air. The effect left Alistair feeling very disturbed. What? What did he do wrong?

"Oh hell. If you let a human be in charge of attacks they always fowl it up. Here, let a dwarf show you the right way to do it." Oghren stepped away from the pull of 46 pairs of eyes and hefted his two-handed axe easily in one hand. It was like staring at a butterball ostrich (although in this case 'turkey' would have been a better word for it) striking his feet against the ground for the charge. "Now listen carefully. I'm only gonna say this once, but it's important so you all better listen up. For BEER! For ALE! For BOOZE!"

"Why do I feel that control of the situation has suddenly run out of my hands..." Alistair watched the small dwarf (and the word he used liberally only for the dwarf's height since Oghren was big in other departments) run over dirt and gravel screaming. He didn't even stop screaming when he reached the front gates. An ugly looking and very unfortunate hurlock met Oghren part way and was ripped in half by the flying axe. Legs went one way, torso heading completely another AND all the while Oghren kept running. "That was...interes- no, that's just gross" But as Alistair watched, he saw the rest of his small group follow after the dwarf. Some drew swords while others drew hammers or axes, but they all raised their arms and ran after Oghren and in some cases trampling the already dead dark spawn under foot. "Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm in the wrong profession."

Author's Note:

Thank you for reading so far.

1. I intend to do one more part for this fic (honestly I'm surprised it went past 2 parts. ^^;; )

2. I also apologize for any typos that you might find. I've read through the story several times, but I'm extremely dyslexic. I hope you enjoy the tale.