Sonic Insanity
This is Chapter 69, get it? I'm hilarious.
Well, I never! Sonic-Ruler, an Evanescence fan? I expected better, honestly.
"The big cheese" and MacGyver will probably not appear. Sorry. In other news, this story is now on 80 favorites lists! Thank you to the 37 people of those 80 that I can recall being reviewed by.
Actually, I might end this story soon. I'll keep you posted, but I may put a temporary end to the fic, a "hiatus" if you will, just so I can get caught up with school and such. In a few chapters.
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Sonic and Tails had not gotten up from watching Bush In Action, or the Top 10 stupidest things Bush had ever done.
"What bands do you like, if you don't like Evanescence?" asked Tails, as Bush defended his use of wiretaps in a comically hilarious fashion.
"Sonic Youth," grinned Sonic, in a very cheesy way. "Maybe they should make that name into one of my games… Sonic Youth! It would have us as little babies… or, rather ripped babies…"
Tails groaned.
"Number 7!" announced the TV.
Bush was dancing around the Oval Office. "Living in a fascist theocracy, and I'm gonna get a lot of money! I'm telling you, Dick, this whole stealing-the-presidency thing is just great, I tell ya, just great! If only I could be as rich as those oil sultans over in the Middle East… might as well bomb them and steal all their oil! Why research renewable energy sources when you can kill people to get nonrenewable? Send another billion to those boys in Iraq and North Korea and Afghanistan and Iran and Sudan and-" The show was cut off.
"We interrupt this program to bring you important news! Fox News has just bought out this channel and will now be showing The Passion of the Christ, with all violence censored. After those eight minutes, we'll be showing the documentary Heroism in the White House: Bush's Excellence As Pres! Did we mention that we have no political bias?"
Sonic tried to hurl the TV at the TV, but did not succeed for some reason. Something to do with how light is absorbed by water at a certain temperature.
"In local news," continued the newscaster, "the Evanescence concert is in full swing! The band revolutionized the emo genre of music when, in 2003, they burst onto the music scene with some of the most amazing music ever written!"
"Can you give us some examples, Bertha?" asked a male newscaster, who looked faintly ill.
"Why, yes, Greg!" she said, in an overly flirtatious manner. "They… well, what I mean to say is… they changed a lot about music with their… um… they have piano in their songs! AND they're a rock band!"
"Rock bands with a soft side, what will they think of next," chuckled Greg. "Next thing you know they'll unplug their guitars and call it 'acoustic!' They might even call it 'unplugged!'"
"Now see here, their lead singer is a woman!" Bertha defended.
"Revolutionary! Stunning! A woman raves about her most likely fictional problems in life to background music supplied by several musically ungifted men!" swore the man. "I haven't heard of that-"
"I knew you hadn't!" approved Bertha.
"-Since the last Avril Lavigne or Lacuna Coil concert!" announced the man. "But we now cut to our arts reporter, Arjuas Munnahtunnie." It cut to a very bored looking man.
"Call me Clive," he said in a very bored voice. "Anyway, during the intermission we're speaking with Amy Lee, who predominantly writes the lyrics for this band…"
The screen cut to a woman who looked exactly like every other girl there in terms of complexion, hair, makeup, accessories and piercing. "So, Amy Lee, what tragedies do you draw upon to write your… stunning… lyrics?"
"Call me ma'am," she said cordially. "Well, Gary, I sometimes draw on the death of my little sister. She was inside the refrigerator, eating the food, but she forgot that we were getting rid of our fridge. We didn't know that she was in it and we threw it in a landfill. But mainly what I draw upon when I write my lyrics that have to do with betrayal and treachery-"
"Yes, could you please describe that?" Arjuas asked.
"I'm asking the questions!" she flared.
"No you're not…"
"Oh yeah," she said, embarrassed. "Well, there was this one time in high school when my dinner table showed my diary to my boyfriend. I was so mad at it! And I gotta tell you, Gherkin, in my darkest hour, in my most paranoid moments, I never imagined that my own dinner table would betray me."
In front of the TV, Sonic had stuffed his fist in his mouth to keep from imploding with sheer hilarity. He listened to the whole sorry story as Amy Lee detailed how an inanimate object had consciously revealed her innermost secrets to someone else with malice aforethought.
"So, yeah, after we release The Open Door- our new CD with Call Me When You're Sober on it," Amy Lee said in a shameless attempt at self-promotion, "I think I'm gonna go solo and make a rock opera called Wounds That Never Heal. On the left side of the cover will be half of my face, and reflected in a single teardrop streaming down my face will be my cold-hearted dinner table. My name will be written across my forehead in crayons, so I can go for that whole creepy-child thing. Then the title of the album will be in Old English at the bottom, but not on my face. Then, above the title will be a picture of a single fading rose-"
Sonic was now more disgusted than amused. "Come on, Tails, we're going to save Shadow and Knuckles. By which I mean, Knuckles."
"Why? They should be having a good time," Tails said.
"They'll just get brainwashed into being gothics again, don't you see?" Sonic explained. "Plus Shadow just tricked Knuckles into going, and he'll be glad to leave." They got into the car, but as Sonic had been drinking to alleviate the depression he had felt from watching Evanescence and Bush in one night, Tails had to drive in his plane.
"I don't know how a six-year-old is allowed to drive a military-level transformer bot plane, but a person almost ten years older can't drive an ordinary car," Tails observed.
"When you're firing at security, try to hit Shadow a few times," Sonic tutored. "Try to knock him behind something or have someone land on him, so technically we didn't see him."
However, Shadow and Knuckles were the center of attention. They were being mobbed by hordes of enraged Evanescence fans who had turned rabid when Knuckles had described the band as "a bunch of nu-metal boy band members with a whiny tart singing."
"Could you have been ANY more offensive, Knuckles?" shrieked Shadow, going into arm spasms of fear. He batted aside several male groupies, who were creeping him out, and went into furious hand-to-hand combat with a merch vendor.
"Yes!" Knuckles said, who obviously took that moment to say something ridiculously politically incorrect and obnoxious. The throng of angry fans surrounded them, cutting off all avenues of escape.
"A fine day to die, huh, Knuckles?" Shadow chuckled hopelessly.
"At least we'll go down together," Knuckles sniffed.
"I went down on your mom when we were together," Shadow observed at a very inopportune moment. Knuckles was provoked to such fury that he was literally knocking Evanescence fans hundreds of feet into the air in order to kill Shadow.
Suddenly Sonic appeared in the fray. "EAT MY FIST, BEEYOTCH!" he shrieked like a banshee as he accurately landed on top of a Evanescence fan and crushed him into the ground. Security officials were paralyzed by awe as Sonic began to wallop the hordes with no mercy.
"He's administering those beat downs like they've got PRESCRIPTIONS for 'em!" Knuckles gasped, leaping into action himself. The ignored band tried to play a rousing riot anthem, but as none of them actually wrote their own music, it failed dismally.
Tails appeared in his plane, launching tear gas grenades and crowd-control shots all over the place. The four heroes engaged heartily in the brawl. By now everyone was so out of control that they didn't care who they were fighting.
"FREEZE! This is the National Guard! Everybody cease violence and step away from each other!" shouted a riot police guy, backed up by fifty men in helicopters and tanks.
There was a huge silence, followed by stifled snickers.
"Uh, see you later, Natural Guard man dude whatever," Sonic chuckled, as if it was a joke.
Furiously, a guardsman hit Sonic in the face with a nightstick. Sonic didn't even blink. He just rolled his eyes sarcastically, smiled broadly, and shook his head from side to side. "I don't really think that's gonna work, Mr. Arigato."
"Sonic," muttered Shadow with concern.
By now everyone was in hysterics at the sight of Sonic treating riot controllers as a big joke. The National Guard put handcuffs on him and led him into a vehicle. Just before he got in, Sonic shrugged off the handcuffs and walked in the opposite direction. "This is pretty boring, I'm outta here."
"Sonic," grumbled Shadow.
Six military enforcers jumped on him, trying to wrestle him to the ground. Sonic smiled patronizingly. "Um, I'm basically tired of this whole idiots-trying-to-get-my-attention scene party disco rave mosh pit ballroom petunia thing, so if you'll excuse me…" He grinned broadly as eighteen sleeper darts hit him in the neck, plucking them out and slapping his knee with vast amusement. "I haven't heard a joke that good since your mom tried to say she could fit into a size 12!" he addressed the captain.
"SOOOOO-niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic!" shrieked Shadow. "You're going to get us all killed or arrested! You're drunk off your quills, aren't you?"
"He did drink quite a bit before we left," Tails mused.
"I'm not drunk!" Sonic blatantly lied, dodging bullets as if his bones were made of chewing gum. "I'm ash shober ash a wheelbarrow full of Lucky Charmsh headed on a collision courshe wif deshtiny!" He had somehow acquired a drunken slur in milliseconds. With all the speed of some sort of blue hedgehog faster than the speed of sound, Sonic darted away. Everyone looked around to see where he went.
"Excuse me," Amy Lee said moodily, and the band broke into song. Very unfortunately, the dreadful quality of the music was heard as a deadly weapon being discharged by the National Guard, and the band disappeared in a hail of smoke and bullets. Sadly, or not, they were all taken to the hospital.
As the National Guard hunted for Sonic, and the other furries tried to disappear, the captain got a call on his cell phone.
"Hello?" he asked grimly.
"Guess where I AAAAAAAAAAAAAM!" sang Sonic in a goofy faux-vibrato.
The captain saw a pair of soap shoes with blue legs coming out of them wiggling behind a large banner. Furious, the captain dashed over himself and prepared to get the hedgehog. But when he reached it, the legs went up a few feet… and disappeared. Just as he realized that the "legs" were actually blue sticks, Sonic dropped like an avenging angel on top of him and slammed him through the pavement into the sewers.
"Cause you know I'm rocking DISEMBODIED FEET on you!" cackled Sonic, donning his shoes once more. "I dropped the disembodied feet on your b(bleep) motherf(beep) son of a b(beep) piece of s(beep) shaved-headed A(beep), B(beeeeeeeeeeeeeep)!" Unaware that he was physically saying the word (beep) instead of being censored, Sonic punched a nearby camera for obstructing his profanities. He dashed out, knocking the fingernails out of the National Guard forces along the way. With many an extravagant goodbye speech, he picked up a protesting Shadow and Knuckles by their collars, hurled them into the cargo hold of Tails' plane, and hopped in after them. Still shouting his self-censored obscenities, Tails obediently drove them into the night.
"Well, thank you for getting us in more trouble than could ever humanly be CONCEIVED of, fakir!" shrieked Shadow. "We started the riot, I admit that much. But then you start KILLING fans, openly mock the National Guard, resist arrest, kill some of the National Guard, and flee the scene of the crime! We'll all be in the big house for sure! The G-men will be on our tails within a week!"
"When you said 'humanly,' didn't you mean 'hedgehog-ly?'" asked Sonic slyly.
"ANSWER THE QUESTION!" shrieked Shadow, although he had not asked any. "Why'd you do that?"
"We were in a VERY SERIOUS situation!" said Sonic, winking profusely. "There was this blue guy and he was totally destroying everything, I had to stop him!"
"THAT WAS YOU! How is it physically possible to confuse yourself with an entirely separate person?" roared Shadow.
"I think you still meant hedgehog-ly," Sonic grinned.
"Actually, that time, what he said made sense," Tails observed.
"Get a girlfriend, Tails," said Sonic rudely, although Tails was getting far more consistent action from Cream than Sonic was with, well, anyone. Amy was a disgusting nightmarish horse, Tikal was a ghost, Sally did not exist in the video games that the story is based on, and everyone else was taken. Plus, now that girls were allowed to marry other girls, they wouldn't be forced to get with him as a last resort.
"Explain yourself!" snarled Knuckles, siding with Shadow.
"It was my identical twin Tanya I tells ya!" gibbered Sonic in honeyed tones, stroking his ear-beard. "I did nothing, I say! Nothing! I just wanted to stop Tanya!" Trying to create the impression he was innocent by daubing the words I AM INNOCENT across his chest in paint, Sonic pulled out an obviously forged family tree. It showed Sonic's two parents with a line pointing down from that. The line branched off to two separate people: Sonic and Tanya. Or more accurately, it went straight down to Sonic, while a little arrow drawn in crayon pointed at the letters TONIA, accompanied by a picture of a psycho Blair Witch stickman and the words "I DESERVE THE BLAME, NOT MY BIG BROTHER SONIC!"
"This is about as credible, plausible, believable, factually accurate and enjoyable as your average post-70s SNL episode!" argued Shadow, going unnecessarily out of his way to rag on that piece of crap television show. "Face it, Sonic, you'll have to take the blame for yet another horrible stunt you've pulled!"
"Why does this remind me of the haircut clone incident?" Tails asked. Realizing that a similar event was occurring, Déjà Vu appeared, now visibly exhausted from the number of appearances she'd made in the story so far. Taking advantage of the distraction, Sonic jumped out of the plane and descended to the surface, laughing madly. "I've got a debt to settle with the National Guaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwaaaaaaaaait a minute, is that a-" Sonic began to scream as he fell directly toward a huge sharp stick that threatened to impale him.
"Your mother screamed as she was impaled on a huge-" Knuckles began to chortle, but was soon silenced as Tails went into a dizzying dive. He flew faster and faster, down to Sonic… past Sonic… even further past Sonic…
"Wait, what?" Sonic said.
Tails grabbed a cheeseburger out of a pedestrian's hand, leveled out of the dive, and chomped into it gleefully. Shadow was delirious with happiness, seeing that Tails had finally seen the light, as it were. Purely by accident, one of his jumps for joy pressed the emergency net button. Instantly a huge butterfly net shot out of the side of the Tornado. Sonic landed in it.
Most sorrowfully, however, the butterfly net did not simply extend out of the side, it literally shot from the side like a bullet and broke away from the Tornado. Sonic was caught in the net, and the force of the traveling speed caused both him and the net to fly a few feet away from the stake before landing.
"I forgot to perfect the part where I actually am in control of the net," Tails giggled. Shadow was now hopping mad, as Sonic had failed to die gruesomely at the hands of a huge, very handless sharp stick. Fortunately for the violence-obsessed dark hedgehog, the net had pulled Sonic out of the way of the stake into the maw of a massive fanged frying pan. Sonic yelped and howled as he frantically evaded the ravenous frying pan's bloodthirsty pursuit.
Tails shot a lasso to haul him out of there, but regrettably the lasso shot like a bullet as well and landed like a limp noodle in front of Sonic. But the blue hedgehog made use of it, using the lasso to climb up the side of a building. But a gas leak made the building… CATCH ON FIRE! Sonic was soon trapped in a raging inferno.
"Whoa, talk about 'out of the frying pan into the fire!'" Shadow said in a very horrible joke. Knuckles groaned for a full five minutes before tying Shadow's neck in a knot and beating him senseless. Sonic, his fur full of embers and hot coals and sparks singing his eyeballs, climbed out of the burning building into the plane.
"Well, thanks for nothing," he growled.
"Consider it payback for your little dalliances with the National Guard," grinned Shadow evilly. Sonic, not knowing what "dalliances" meant and somehow interpreting it as "Dismally and Listlessly Lounging In A North Carolina Elementary School," tied another knot in Shadow's neck and beat him senseless again.
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Give me an R! Give me an E! Give me the rest of the letters in that word! What's that spell? Any word that starts with R-E! But in this case, I meant review.
To "Deathy Ticklish Fortnight:" I have decided to reply to your reviews with randomosity of my own. Anyway, your crackling porridge was dry full of blistering examples of grilled exuberance with Greek humor! You know what I is saying, doesn't ya? Maybe you doesn't, and maybe you don't. I'm just saying to watch your back rooster in case some rooster hip-hop choirs decide to ambush you on the way to Germane's house. Good luck, or good P.L.U.C.K as some Armenian song-singer types have been know to say. Phone calls are for last-second teapots!