Sonic Insanity
To Passage Outway Suction Cups, aka "Yogurtless Fugitive Flimpin…": Your randomness seemed to be slipping like the threat of octopi on the subway of my life. The constant repetition of Friik was just unusually ordinary and irritating, or maybe ordinarily irritating and unusual, or perhaps a baked loaf of hypocrisy? By the way, I found "Shame" and "Snowblind" for sale on iTunes, as I might have already whispered to ya. It'd be excellence in a wheelbarrow Herself if you could download those two songs and include them on my tickle-lish (AWTF, mate?) tyke triple-threat CD. A little alliteration there, Bobby! Keep your courage clean and your trophies in a penguin Hoover snapdragon, and it all should be shipshape in three, if not five, senses of the word.
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"Hey, Shadow, could you fetch me a Coke?" Sonic called.
Shadow, spewing curses that seemed a tad strong for the occasion, stood up and strode to the new mini-bar that Tails had invented.
"I hate that faker!" snarled Shadow. "He's as ugly as a rear end on legs…"
"Wouldn't that just be someone's lower body?" Sonic asked.
"SHUT UP!" screamed Shadow, as the minibar scanned his hand for ID to make sure he was old enough to drink alcohol, even though it was only filled with Coke. It gave him one.
As Shadow returned, Sonic pressed a button. Immediately the floor opened up and Shadow fell into a pit that had appeared in the floor.
"Hahahahahahaha!" cackled Sonic as the Coke sailed through the air and landed in his hand. He twisted the tab off and gulped it down merrily, watching a new reality show, THE DINER.
"Tony, could you handle my shift mopping tables? I'll give you the commission; I just… have to go, because of my mother…" gulped Monica, a vulnerable hot young 20-something.
"No worries, I'll be there for you," muttered the somewhat geeky-looking Tony seductively. They kissed, which meant an undying romantic commitment, and Monica left in tears.
Meanwhile, Brian, the waiter, was receiving a request from a customer.
"I can't believe that guy wanted to split the check with his friend! What a snotty upper-class moron!" stormed Brian muscularly. "Hey, Jesse, split the check on Table 8 will ya?"
"Exactly down the middle or by individual food choices?" Jesse, the check writer, called to Brian.
"HEY! Stay away from my girl! I had Vanessa first!" shrieked Brian.
Sonic, disgusted by what passed as TV, shut it off to see a furiously glaring Shadow in front of him.
"Nice of you to drop by," Sonic smirked, as if Shadow's reappearance after the prank was some sort of victory. "How did you get out of that pit?"
"Sonic, it was only three feet deep," seethed Shadow.
"Oh yeah," Sonic remembered fondly. "Here's a good 'your mom' joke: Your mom's so stupid, she tried to look up dirty pictures on a typewriter!"
"Why not just say 'porn?'" Tails asked. "It's not like I can't hear such words- I am a genius, after all. I would have figured-"
"Shut up, Tails," Sonic said rudely. "Who votes that Tails doesn't have any friends?" He raised his hand. "Aye!" Shadow and Tails kept their hands down.
"WHAT?" snarled Sonic at Shadow.
"Hey, I know a friend Tails has," Shadow claimed.
"Who?"
"Santa Claus," Shadow responded. "They're best homies, to my knowledge."
Sonic began to wheeze, cracking up hysterically.
"I don't believe in Santa Claus!" snapped Tails. "Although your mom mistook me for him once. Kept asking me to give her a present…" He finished with a smirk.
"Be quiet, Tails, you stupid virgin," Sonic said.
"I'M 6!" screamed Tails, his fur standing on end. "I'M UNDERAGE!"
"Yeah, Sonic, it's better than still having your virginity and being the age you are now," Shadow said.
"Even that's better than losing your virginity to a sponge soaked in olive oil!" Sonic shot back.
"Hi, friends!" screamed Knuckles with a dull look in his eye, entering the room. "Today we're going to make a decorative mantelpiece out of papier-mâché and a little potting soil!"
"I absolutely refuse," snarled Sonic.
"That's the spirit!" chorused Knuckles. Tails, grinning, pulled a remote out of his pocket. He sat down right outside the door, which happened to be the only exit from the room.
"Tails, let us out of here," prayed Shadow, tears streaming from his eyes.
"Wait, don't all of us only have one eye? I don't know about Knuckles, but all the hedgehog's eyes don't have any fur between them. It looks like we all have just one huge eyeball with two irises and pupils," Sonic observed. Everyone ignored him.
"I got tired of you arguing incessantly, so I'm sentencing you to an arts-and-crafts lesson with Knuckles," Tails grinned.
"Good job!" grinned Knuckles. "Now, boys, we're going to take our §çÍ$$Ø®§, or snipple-whipple-dipper-banana-babies as I choose to call them out of narcissism and misplaced affection for inanimate objects, and-"
"PLEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSEEEEEEEEE!" begged Sonic to Tails, who only shook his head with a wicked grin.
"Fine!" snarled Shadow, who bowled Tails over and ran outside. Knuckles lunged forward and grabbed onto his leg. Sonic tried to pry both of them away so he could get out, and Tails blocked all three of them. It was shaping up to be quite the bizarre game of tug-of-war when Eggman suddenly dropped in. Literally.
"Eggman!" gasped Tails, as if this wasn't obvious. They all ceased their antics.
"That's right," sneered Eggman. "I was so enraged by your sudden revival, Sonic, that I came back… FULL FORCE! This time, I'm packing heat!" With a flourish, he threw 5,000 copies of the movie Heat with Pacino and DeNiro. They were buried alive.
"Hah! Now I will leave them for dead instead of confirming anything, because they've NEVER gotten out of any of my supposedly deadly traps alive!" Eggman chuckled. "Now, let's bounce." He rolled away, while Metal Sonic smacked his forehead and followed while drinking whiskey for solace.
"Is the coast clear?" whispered Shadow huskily.
"The coast is near, and the toast is clear!" shouted Sonic. A piece of transparent toast slammed into a nearby beach, the signal for them to climb out of the pile.
"I thought we were done for!" said Tails, as if there had been any doubt that they would survive.
"So, what should we do?" asked Shadow.
"Let's go to that beach!" Sonic proposed, wearing water wings.
So they all took their dates and headed to the nearby beach. Tails and Cream flew to the top of the transparent slice of toasted bread emerging from the dunes, sharing a picnic basket and each other's lips. Sonic began to make funky gestures.
"Ah, young love!" he tittered, cackling while shrugging his shoulders, rolling his eyes and wiggling his fingers next to his head all at the same time. Tikal wondered why she was going out with this moron.
Shadow, fed up with trying to get Amy's attention, called for a beach volleyball game. "Who wants to play beach volleyball?" he called redundantly.
Everyone agreed. As Knuckles was very powerful, he went with Rouge and Amy. Sonic and Shadow were on a team with Tikal.
"Go!" shouted a nearby dolphin, who would be refereeing.
Rouge bopped the ball over the net. It went right for Sonic. He dashed for it… and overshot it by a hundred yards, being as fast as he was. It plopped in the sand.
"Nice going, moron!" seethed Shadow, as the dolphin hooted appreciatively at several passing female octopi.
"Lift them tentacles, ladies!" he catcalled, much to the disgust of anyone with a knowledge of… cupcakes.
"I'll get it next time, I promise," Sonic said.
Amy served this time. Fortunately she was really bad and served it right to Tikal. But the ball passed right through her nonexistent body.
Seething mad, Shadow allowed Knuckles to serve it. The black hedgehog had kicked off his rocket shoes so he wouldn't run too far. But he ran too slowly to make it, and Sonic ran too far AGAIN. They collided into each other, and since Sonic was going faster, Shadow was plowed over. The ball landed inches from his outstretched fingertips.
After a few minutes, Team Sonic (or Team Shadow, depending on whether you asked Sonic, Amy, or anyone else) finally got to serve. Sonic served it as high as he could. Rouge easily flew up and slammed it down.
"Easy point!' she said, flying in the air. Her silhouette made her look like some sort of black bird.
"What's she crowing about?" Tails asked from on top of the glass toast.
"Tails, it's hot!" Cream cried in distress. Indeed, the sun's rays were being focused through the glass toast. They hopped off as deadly rays of light shot out. One zapped the ball out of the air.
"I win," Sonic said, taking the credit for his whole team. Tails and Cream picked up Sonic and Amy and flew off, rescuing their two favorite people.
"While we're up here together-" Amy began.
"NO!" stormed Sonic. Tails and Cream flew apart so that the two hedgehogs couldn't reach each other.
This left Tikal, Shadow, Knuckles and Rouge on the ground. Rouge scooped up Knuckles in a trice, but Tikal shrugged before disappearing.
Furious at this treacherous behavior, Shadow ran after the fliers in an attempt to beat up Knuckles. He soon caught up under them, having re-donned his rocket shoes.
"FASTER! FASTER!" screamed Knuckles, urging Rouge on in a rather freakish display. Shadow somehow went off a ramp, catching huge air, and caught onto Rouge. He and Knuckles began to punch and kick at each other, disregarding Rouge's safety.
"Do you mind?" she squawked as Knuckles grabbed a curvy but strategic handhold in an attempt to lever himself up and push Shadow off. Suddenly a missile hit her and she went down.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? THIS IS ABSURD! PREPOSTEROUS! INANE! BANAL! OUTRAGEOUS!" shrieked Sonic as they began to dodge anti-aircraft weaponry. Rouge fell down in a big fiery ball, with Knuckles and Shadow still fighting on top of her. Shadow saved everyone, as he has experience in the matter of falling while on fire from high in the atmosphere. This left Sonic and Tails and Cream and Amy up there again, frantically dodging missiles.
"So," Tails said to Cream, "how about them Yankees?"
"Oh, Tails!" she said blissfully. They released their burdens and began to make out in midair, but a missile hit them and they began to fall while still kissing. It was a strange sight, indeed; Tails and Cream falling while making out, Sonic and Amy falling while Amy tried to grab Sonic, and Rouge, Knuckles and Shadow falling with little attention being paid to Rouge's honor as the two male furries battled. It would have an interesting outcome. Actually, it was interesting.
"FLY!" screamed Tails to Cream, and they aerial dived down and caught Rouge, Knuckles and Shadow. It took all their strength to hold the injured parties up, especially with Shadow trying to kill Knuckles. Just as they had it, Sonic and Amy slammed into the whole group and they fell even more.
Shadow grabbed Knuckles and did Chaos Control. They teleported on the ground, but somehow Shadow had misjudged exactly where to teleport and had landed in a barrel of wet cement. Rouge plummeted down, finally free of the groping warriors, and flew to safety. Tails and Cream flew off, leaving Sonic and Amy falling further. Both slammed into either Knuckles or Shadow, embedding the two warriors even further in cement. Everyone else quickly got out before they could be stuck, but the echidna and Shadow were transfixed.
"Well, well, well, things aren't really set in stone as to the finale of this chapter," Sonic smirked, watching as Shadow and Knuckles struggled to free themselves.
"Yes, things haven't been cemented yet," Tails chuckled.
"Just get us out of here," Knuckles growled.
"One thing's for sure; this chapter won't be following the mold of things much," giggled Amy.
"Well, well, I can say firmly that these guys are a bit stuck!" cackled Rouge.
"COME ON!" snarled Shadow, which only provoked more laughter.
"Hey, guys, don't be so loose, they can't help their sticky situation," grinned Cream, provoking more laughter.
"You might describe it as a loaf of radish bread with multiple hairy garnishes, Thomas Jefferson!"
"Get out of here, Headwater Daddy," snarled Sonic. The offender, making earnest exclamations on the comparative benefits of popcorn and gasoline, leaped away over the rooftops, chuckling insanely.
"Don't worry, we'll get you out," Rouge said to both of them.
"An interesting theory, Rouge, but superfluous," Sonic said studiously.
"But we need to get them free! Or else they'll both be permanently stuck!" Rouge screeched.
"Now, now, allow me to put my own personal spin on things. This is my prediction as to how these here events will go down," Sonic clucked, dressed in a lab coat with a pointer. He pulled out an unrelated diagram of a person juggling cans of spray paint. "Now, according to my calculations, Shadow and Knuckles, if not rescued from their partial immersion, will soon either be stuck when the cement hardens… or die from suffocation!"
There was a brief silence, during which everyone was in suspense. Sonic switched his diagram with a new one. This one was of a few photocopies of the pages of Hustler.
"Now, if we believe this diagram to be true," Sonic said, indicating various areas on the centerfold, "we can conclude that it is UNNECESSARY to rescue Knuckles and Shadow. We can simply push them by the heads further into the cement while it's still wet. That way, they will suffocate!"
"We want to still be ALIVE, you know!" yowled Knuckles.
"We must all make sacrifices," Sonic said nobly. "Many have suffered in the cause to further scientific research. I myself boldly took it upon myself to rip out pages from my own pooooooorrrrrrch magazines. The ones I keep on my porch. Yeah. So, preparing for full immersion on-"
Steaming mad, Rouge lifted the two men from the swiftly hardening glop. "There, happy?"
"Iiiiiiiiiiin no way, shape or form," Sonic seethed.
"Like you know anything about shape or form," Shadow said, blatantly ripping off the fashion-manners joke earlier.
"A quest, then," Sonic said, relieved.
"Wait, WHAT?"
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Coming up next, a noble quest! Review.