Sonic Insanity

Things take a small twist in this chapter into the realm of epic fantasy! The characters are intentionally emo.

Some bad news, guys: the next chapter will be the last for a while. And no, this isn't a joke like it was on Chapter 64. But I might keep writing it after I take a break. But I'll write more stories probably, so you can read those.

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The wind howled through the streets, seeking closure to itself by swooping through alleys, rattling on windows and rasping through stalks of grass. Sonic the Hedgehog gazed sadly out the window, watching the leaves on the trees tremble in the gale. Despite all his accomplishments, Sonic felt isolated, without anyone to understand him. If he could only prove himself to people in ways that involved him as more than just their icon. They didn't know him…

He sighed and got up, examining the medallion that the Wise Old Man had given him years ago. Ever since he'd received that ancient power, Sonic had felt as if life was slipping through his gloved fingers as surely as the wind outside. He tied the medallion around his neck, glancing blearily at himself in the mirror. An unshaven, broken hedgehog returned his hollow stare. Two gloved hands met, one a mere reflection of life, the other very close to that. Fingers pressed against fingers as Sonic touched the mirror's smooth surface.

"Who am I?" he whispered, as the walls began to buckle and shatter with dreadful force. Sonic sat down amid the cacophony of screeches and crashes, all while wondering when his life had become so cold and devoid of love and light. He put the back of his hand on his forehead, hoping for some manner of adventure to reach him, any kind of excitement.

"Why can't I just have some kind of resolution?" he cried miserably as a seven-foot high demon with burning horns and a scorpion's tail tore through, mauling everything in the room. "Every day feels like the day before it… why must this go on? Why doesn't anything ever happen to me?"

It was unclear what happened then. Perhaps Sonic finally noticed the demon, utterly unable not to be noticed, trashing his room. Maybe he figured out the meaning of life. But in any case, the languishing blue hedgehog leaped up and cried, "THAT'S IT! I'll go over to Shadow's house! Maybe he'll know what to do, now that the Wise Old Man is… dead…" A single tear trailed down Sonic's face like a pearl of suspended tragedy as he left the house, ignoring the evil demon that was now ripping his chairs asunder.

Sonic clutched his traveling cloak tightly about him as he walked against the wind. He had a haversack full of food supplies, in case the 5-minute walk to Shadow's house turned into a years-long struggle for the fate of humankind.

When he reached Shadow's house, Sonic rapped hesitantly upon the door. Shadow was often confused these days. The hedgehog had developed an affinity for inhaling the smoke produced by burning furniture upholstery, which he would either pack in pipes, roll into cigarettes or simply sit in front of while inhaling deeply from the burning stacks. He bizarrely called the upholstery "smoke leaf" and fought for "upholstery legalization." It was unlikely that smoking furniture upholstery was specifically illegal, but whatever.

Sonic entered to find Shadow chopping his couch into pieces and lighting the pieces on fire. Unperturbed, Sonic set forward. "Hey, Shadow, let's go on a quest!"

"Giggle, what kind of quest?" said Shadow, fully pronouncing the word 'giggle' for reasons unknown.

"You know, the kind that will substitute for an actual chapter!" Sonic proposed. "The Wise Old Man's medallion must fulfill its task before I die!"

"All right, all right!" snarled Shadow, filled with the deepest melancholy as he left his drugs behind.

So they went back to Sonic's house to put together some provisions (food). Black, oily smoke could be seen billowing from the sides as they approached.

"My house!" cried Sonic tenderly and ran to it, embracing its burning walls despite the flammability of his fur. As he did so, he saw an orange demon running away from the scene, cackling to itself.

"I KNEW IT!" Sonic shrieked, pointing a finger at Shadow. "You're the one responsible for this apostrophe- er, dystrophy-"

"It's catastrophe, Sonic," sighed Shadow, "and I was with you the whole time. It was obviously that orange demon running away."

"I'll kill you alive!" screamed Sonic broken heartedly and redundantly. Shadow ran out into the road, but accidentally stepped through a portal in time and space that had spontaneously appeared. Sonic jumped through after him, and they landed over a canal in Venice, falling.

"Outrageous!" screamed Sonic, medallion clutched in hand. "I'll save us- er, me-"

"Have no fear!" cackled Shadow, aiming himself so he landed in a canoe. Both furries plummeted into the boat, seizing the paddles and smacking anybody who objected (like everyone in it).

Shadow, in front, began to paddle with feverish strength, thinking that by moving faster, he would get away from Sonic. Sonic, in the back of the same canoe as Shadow, paddled faster in an attempt to catch up. This went on for a great deal of time until someone threw a grenade into the canoe. It exploded just after Sonic and Shadow jumped out.

"Would you care to explain how we're in Venice now?" grumbled Sonic, drying off.

"Must have been a glitch in the system, if I do talk so myself!"

"Uh, Chimp Knob, please excuse yourself, fine dining man," Shadow prayed, looking up at the flaming sky as the sun retreated below the horizon, pulling its cloak of night from the east after it. "Now, we must journey to the elfin city!"

So Shadow and Sonic, armed only with haversacks of corn meal, journeyed out to the elfin city. But unfortunately, they had to pass through the Dangerous Caves of Morgrim.

"AAAAGH, no, no, my leg, let me go, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed a man horribly, being eaten alive by rabid wolves outside the entrance to the caves. "HELP ME!" he shrieked frantically at Sonic and Shadow.

"Oh, someone's gonna be a crybaby, huh?" Shadow sneered as blood spurted.

"Look at the sissy Mary! Let's laugh at the sissy Mary!" encouraged Sonic vigorously, slapping his knees with vulgar amusement. Chuckling, they abandoned the wimp to endure being eaten alive by wolves.

"Did he buy it?" whispered one of the wolves.

"Yes!" cackled the man, who wasn't really being eaten at all. He got to his feet and pulled off a facemask to reveal… King Tails the Sinister!

"Quickly, my wolves! Go feast on those infernal hedgehogs!" Tails encouraged, his voice fluctuating between a gruesome Cookie Monster-like growl and a hideous, piercing falsetto. Such vocal range had never been suspected of any living being before, other than Serj that is. The wolves, oblivious to their master's despicable vocalizations, howled and went in pursuit of the two hedgehogs.

"Enough of this tomfoolery," grumbled Sonic after they'd been running for a half a mile. He pulled out the medallion, clutching it tight in his hand. The engravings in its surface began to glow red with some archaic power. With a muttered spell, red energy welled around the trinket, dividing and touching a wolf each before disappearing. The wolves suddenly caught on fire, yelping and shrieking before drowning in butter.

"Tails must be behind this!" shouted Sonic. "Come, Shadow! To the Dark Fortress of Blackness!"

"I couldn't think of a more racist name myself," spat Shadow, "but I guess I'll go."

So they hiked over flaming mountains and spike-studded oceans and war-torn living rooms and such abominations of the elements, until finally they were outside the fortress.

Shadow attempted to boost Sonic's morale. "Sonic, I know this will be a tough battle, but we-"

"Wait! Shhh!" Sonic urged. Shadow stopped talking, looking around for whatever would have caused this. When he looked back at Sonic, Sonic was just hanging around and looking at the sky.

"Aren't we gonna go in-" Shadow tried to say.

"Shhh! Stop! Don't talk!" Sonic recommended.

"Why not?" Shadow said, getting angry.

"Cause it makes me want to vomit whenever I hear you make ANY VOCALIZATIONS," Sonic reaffirmed, waving his head in disgust. As Shadow went into infuriated shudders, Sonic opened the door to the Dark Fortress of Blackness and skipped inside.

"I bet this will be the easiest thing ever," Sonic cackled. Suddenly flames erupted all around them and hordes of devil demons surrounded the pair of them.

"MMMMMMphh hmmmmmphle grmmmskmsssssssssk," Sonic objected, his voice muffled by his own foot, which was in his mouth. Get it? Isn't that just a gas?

"Sonic! Say something smart!" Shadow encouraged, fending off the demons with blows.

"MMMmphhhhh grlsktsgsssssssk," Sonic tried.

"No! Something INTELLIGENT! It could mean our salvation!" Shadow shrieked fearfully. They were already buried under several hundred demons.

"Wwwwwdssssssss sllllllvvvvssssssssssshhnnnn mmmnnnnnssshhhddddd?" Sonic inquired.

"NOW!" Shadow howled, before his eyes closed forever.

"Grgggggggllll bmmmmmmfrrrrkkkkkkk nnngh!" Sonic snarled. Apparently this had been a smart phrase, because his foot shot out of his mouth with such force that it kicked all the demons away. The demons only came back to kill them, the only difference being that both of them were severely wounded but with no feet in their mouths.

While Shadow fended off the monsters, Sonic moseyed casually out of the scene, hands in his pockets and smiling beatifically.

"What are you looking at?" snarled Shadow while fighting off the creates.

"Not much," Sonic was quick to say, raising his eyebrows at Shadow's suspicious behavior. Easing inconspicuously away from the battle to the death, he pranced distortedly up to the high tower, where the Dark Prince Tails was. He changed his title so often that nobody bothered to use one consistently. Unless they were referring to him in person. Then, if they didn't use his title, he'd cut off… their digital cable access. What did you expect?

Shadow, bruised and bleeding, tottered after him. "How will you know where his room is?"

"I'd recognize the crest outside his door anywhere," Sonic said grimly.

"Yeah, why would the location of the crest have a bearing on your ability to recognize it?" Shadow asked.

"SHUT UP!" screamed Sonic angrily.

Meanwhile, upstairs, His Ignoble Majesty Tails was writing a letter. "Dearest Delilah," he wrote, tears spattering the parchment. "I regret, with all of my heart and maybe 60 percent of my butler's, that I am unable to attend your nude masked ball. As…" He sought the right word. "Attractive as the prospect might sound, I actually have to paint my lawn. As such, I-" Suddenly a huge vibration shook the room. Tails' hand jittered and he drew a huge mark across his paper, continuing to scribble uncontrollably over his own writing well after the tremor had stopped.

"KOREAN GROCERS!" he shrieked dementedly by way of a profanity. "What on Earth is going on? I'm consulting my guards!"

Downstairs, Shadow was amusedly flipping the ALERT THE BAD GUY USING A LOUD NOISE OR VIBRATION switch. "Scare tactics are always successful!"

"Enough about your ways of coping with alcoholism! Come on!" snarled Sonic as Shadow spat fire with rage.. They continued up the steep flight of obsidian stairs, staying out of sight as guards marched by.

Meanwhile, Tails stomped angrily toward the nearest pair of guards. "GUARDS! Did you see anything suspicious?"

"Oh yes, it was very strange, what just happened," the second guard said, although since he was the first one talk, he should have been called the first guard.

"What happened?" Tails questioned.

"Very odd, too, never saw anything quite like it," mused the other guard slyly.

"What occurred?" Tails interrogated.

"Pretty unusual, too, wouldn't you say?" the second guard asked.

"Aye, and weird at that."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" screamed Tails. "Why am I surrounded by idiots?"

"HEY! Feathered Numerology and Other Culinary Uses For Tutored Bricks is my favorite book ever!" shouted the guard, to prove that he was indeed intelligent. "How dare you question my smartness?"

"Yes, I've written several symphonies on my Disney Playhouse Xylophone myself," the other guard added.

"Time to give it up, Tails, my boy!" Sonic proclaimed, running up the stairs and standing boldly before his nemesis. Shadow knocked out the two genius guards by asking them to read a children's picture book. The mental exertion caused both to collapse.

Tails gasped with fear. "This is the most dangerous situation I've been in since I had to buy groceries at a bowling alley!"

"Yeah, we all know that getting disgusting food, throwing it out and buying regular food again is a situation fraught with peril," snickered Sonic.

"Shut up! Prepare to die!" shouted Tails.

"Hey!" snarled Sonic. "Who are you to make me buy a coffin on such short notice? It's very rude for you to ask me to drop everything and make extensive preparations for my own demise, you know. In fact, I won't even have time to pen a good epitaph, and then the funeral expenses will-"

"SHUT UP! Just shut up!" screamed Shadow uncontrollably. "Just SHUT UP for once! It drives me insane! You're always TALKING and it doesn't even mean anything! You never say anything that couldn't be deduced by a complete nincompoop! Time to give up, Eggman! Let's rock and roll! Yeah, time to speed up! You have nothing good to contribute!" Shadow was clearly nervous, as could be seen by the tears streaking down his face and the furious scream his mouth was contorted into. "NOTHING! NOOOOOOTHINNNNNNNNNNNG! Just stop! SHUT UP! I hate you, Sonic! Why can't you just die? You were never interesting! NEVER! You're less relevant and meaningful than the tiniest, most microscopic piece of dust! You ARE DUST! You're INSIGNIFICANT! You're worthless! You DESERVE nothing and yet you have it ALL! Just die! Just DIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!" Shadow let out a wild animal yell and clutched his head in his hands, eyes bugging out all while screaming hysterically.

"Anyway," said Sonic, snickering as Shadow banged his head against the wall. "Where was I? Oh yeah, give up now or nobody gets hurt!" He struck a "cool" pose that didn't mean anything.

"That didn't make sense," objected Tails.

"Neither does this!" Sonic snarled, pulling out his medallion. With a burst of light, it flung Tails across the room, where he collapsed as dead as a newly born, fully alive baby.

"Finally, he is vanquished!" crowed Sonic, despite the obvious lack of physical harm to his enemy. Shadow, frothing mad, threw Sonic off the top of the stairs.

"You should have had the failing spin-off game!" he screamed.

"Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnyyyyyyyyyywaaaaaaay…" called Sonic on his way down.

"Why'd you do that to him? You had a lot in common!" said Tails.

"We had nothing in common!" objected Shadow. "You better not be implying something sick…"

"I'm not!" Tails said hurriedly. "But you guys were so similar! It seemed as if by doing that, you killed part of yourself…"

"Name some things we have in common," Shadow said with disgust.

"OK, first of all, you're both lightning-fast hedgehogs, you've both saved the world, you both have dark pasts…"

"Except him," said Shadow in disgust. "Shouldn't you be dead?"

"Oh yeah," said Tails, dying.

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Next chapter is the last for a while, guys! Don't get too sad, now.