Sonic Insanity
I have something kind of sad, guys. This is the last chapter of Sonic Insanity for a while. I figured I might as well put it on hold after I've been writing for a whole year. I may start it up again but if I plan on permanently stopping it, I'll let you know. Anyway, at the end of chapter there will be a song parody to commemorate the temporary end of this fic. Plus, this is the longest chapter yet.
And to "Fellingly Vicious Skyduoser," nobody loves you, and nobody wants to touch your body like that. Thank you for the amended review, though.
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It was a warm day in Knuckles' classroom. Everyone was looking longingly at the clock, waiting for its trill to release them from the last class before spring break.
"Before I let you all out," the teacher declared, "we're going to watch some videos dealing with review, so you won't forget what we've learned. The first one will be about the Nazis, which we covered in January."
"Will we review our current unit or not?" asked Knuckles.
"Calm down, seriously, we can't have you so upset like that in the classroom," the teacher said dismissively.
"I wasn't upset," said Knuckles in the most reasonable tone of voice he could.
"Take deep breaths, man, you don't want to push the teacher over the edge like that," whispered Sonic.
"I'm calm!" Knuckles told them, irritated.
"Whoa, simmer down, buddy!" Tails muttered. He and Sonic winked at each other. Just before Knuckles could explode with rage, the teacher loaded in the Nazi video.
"A killing machine that spread across all of Europe, destroying anyone that threatened them," a grim voice said. "The Nazis were known for their cold-blooded slaughter and racial persecution."
"Yeah, Knuckles," sneered Tails. "Known for their cold-blooded slaughter and racial persecution… maybe you should think about the way you've been acting lately."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Knuckles asked.
"Danger, Will Robinson, danger! He's gonna erupt!" said Tails in plaintive tones.
"Geez, Knuckles, don't get upset! You seriously have some rage issues to work out," Sonic smiled, elbowing his echidna friend.
Knuckles seethed. The video showed a ghetto (not the current kind, like the ones in Nazi Poland and Germany). The guy on the video began to speak. "Many of the Jews were forced into horrible living conditions by the Nazi oppressors. Almost all of them were impoverished, forced to live so poorly that they could barely afford anything."
"Remind you of anyone, Tails?" Sonic asked, casting Knuckles a glance.
"Oh yeah, you mean Kathy Bates over here? Sure thing, Sonic," Tails snickered.
"What are you implying?" growled Knuckles.
"Take deep breaths and count to ten," advised Sonic.
"I WILL NOT!" screamed Knuckles. "I demand to know why you keep implying that I'm an impoverished ruthless killer and that I need to calm down!"
"How bizarre," smiled the teacher.
"Knuckles!" shouted Tails. "Can you come here?"
"Sure," sighed Knuckles, the flashback ending. He went downstairs to see Tails and Shadow hanging out in a room.
"HEY SHADOW!" yelled Sonic, dashing in. "I just finished writing my ideas for the Maria movie!"
"What?" asked Shadow.
"Didn't you hear? I've been plotting a comeback by producing and scripting a movie about Maria, that girl on the Ark! Here are some possible tag lines."
"Hit me with 'em," Shadow said.
Surprisingly, Sonic did not hit Shadow across the face with the pages. "OK, here we go. Tell me what you think on each of em. Number 1: For this movie, we're gonna need a really WIDE screen."
"What's that supposed to mean?" hissed Shadow.
"Um… we'll count that as a maybe. Number 2: She's showing everyone else how to LIVE LARGE."
"No," spat Shadow.
"Maybe with a tweak here or there," fussed Sonic. "Number 3: It's just your typical story about a fun-loving girl… SUPERSIZED."
An inkling of understanding was leaking through to Shadow's brain. "Um…"
"I knew you'd love it! Let's put that one as ECSTATIC," Sonic proclaimed. "Number 4: When it comes to having fun, she's a real heavyweight."
"What the hell are you implying?" shrieked Shadow, jumping up. "Maria's thin! She's adorable! What did she ever do to you?"
"Number 5," Sonic went on obliviously, ignoring Shadow's hateful horror. "She's got HUGE plans for life. The pre-tagline could be this: A MASSIVELY entertaining new blockbuster from the same guys that brought you Soul Plane 2: Which Are Funnier, White People or Black People? Number 6: She's showing them that BIG is beautiful. Number 7: Huge, cascading lard rolls of jelly-like blubbery obese-"
Shadow ran down stairs at top speed, ripped the furnace out of the wall, and began to beat Sonic up with it remorselessly.
"So, since this is the last chapter," Shadow suggested as Sonic yodeled with agony, "what do you want to do?"
"How about some music?" Knuckles hollered over Sonic's shrieks.
"Sure," Tails muttered, flicking at the radio. There was nothing good on.
"Bah! I think I'll take another page out of… er… Bong Strad's book and do a rock opera composed of a word from each chapter!" Knuckles snorted.
"You do that," Shadow muttered uninterestedly, turning back to Sonic.
"OK, here we go!" Knuckles yelled, over the cacophony of howls.
Corn dogs
Virgin
McFakington
Lalalalalalalala!
Thor's Hammer of Sigil Storms
And
The
Potato Farmer's Union.
"So much for one word per chapter," Shadow said disgustedly. He was disgusted because everything Knuckles had mentioned was appearing. Virgin McFakington began to sing meaninglessly while performing Thor's Hammer of Sigil Storms, and the Potato Farmer's Union began to protest about corn dogs. Shadow shrugged and clobbered Sonic with an aluminum baseball bat.
The Shoot-Thingy 8000
10. Was trying to chase him,
11. Blasting stuff with water
12. Because you blew up the dance floor!
Suddenly the Shoot-Thingy 8000 began to chase Virgin McFakington around the room, shooting stuff with water. The Potato Farmer's union blew up the dance floor in protest.
13. The Fabled Legendary Poetic Tale Of
14. Angelina Jolie half nude on
15. Jennifer Aniston
16. Seemed suspiciously close to
17. Fanboy Jim
18. While I'm Stoned.
Shadow waited breathlessly for this to appear, while holding his hand over Tails' eyes. Unfortunately, all that appeared was a book with censored cover art, which Brad Pitt quickly pocketed.
19. A quarter mile of Christmas
20. Aliens die in two
21. Mothers of Philosophy!
22. A trough full of white
23. Wingmen remembered several battles that
24. Ballooned to an obese size.
A container of Caucasian Air Force pilots appeared, reminiscing about some fat skirmishes they'd been involved in. A large quantity of red and green extra-terrestrials died under the weight of Mother Nature and Mother Country. Sonic's mother was ignored, although Shadow did volunteer to give her some attention. Sonic got up to try to pound Knuckles, but after his beating he couldn't muster the strength.
25. In an excruciatingly obnoxious
26. Golf course,
27. A fish sweater
28. Made meaningless signals to the
29. Multi-platform Curious
30. Tupperware against the door.
(AN: I'm not even going to try to describe all that.
"Knuckles, STOP! You'll destroy us all!" Shadow shrieked, holding on for dear life as a cattle stampede rushed by.
31. Ron had PMS
32. Using my Rodeo Choir
33. And shooting at ducks. All of them were completely drunk and
34. I hate Ikea! I despise
35. Being a pimp
36. To GET soup, it's to SERVE it
37. On a sparkly rainbow.
Knuckles' eyes were blissfully closed to the mayhem unfolding around him. How his twisted imaginings were becoming reality was beyond any mortal's ability to comprehend. As a soup-serving pimp glided by on a dazzling rainbow, and the others howled at him to cease and desist, he continued his delusions. At least there were less than half the chapters left, if by "less" you mean "only two less."
38. "Oh, pardon my metaphorical
39. Needless news," the newscaster, who was Clan rHrn the dingo-crocodile said, "the right-wingers in Congress are continuing to
(AN: See, Clan? You got that last mention you wanted!)
40. Trust in the heart of the cards!
41. Braille subtitles," Tails said
42. Tripping into a vat of
43. His face in agony.
Suddenly Tails began to involuntarily speak while painfully falling into a large tank of his own face. Knuckles grinned, seeing that he could affect other people in the room.
44. The Sonic crew is conversing to
45. Tomatoes and rotten fruit at the
46. Ice cube tray… with
47. A puppy farm! WHAT DID YOU
48. Learn with trench dodgeball, not this wimpy
49. Game Boy Color, which had knocked the judge
50. With tubes and hoses.
It was impossible to describe what came next. All that could really be said was that Sonic, Tails and Shadow unwilling struck up a conversation with moldy vegetables and fruit alongside a puppy farm.
51. Tails' third or fourth worst
52. Ventriloquist's
53. Wind began to howl. This had
54. Run out of creative
55. Dopamine, or 'dope' for
56. Tails, awestruck and trying to
57. Prove that Sonic's mother is a
58. Hot tub full of sulfuric acid.
"STOP! STOP! STOOOOOOOOOP!" screamed everyone, particularly Tails, who had been abused twice. His ventriloquist's wind, whatever that was, was shrieking in his ears, and the feds were trying to arrest him for incorrect scientific theories and drug use.
"Only a few more, kiddies!" Knuckles grinned.
59. A thick stack of quarters between
60. A one-time deal only and
61. A giraffe on roller blades… in
62. The deck catching some big
63. Chairs on cactuses.
64. "I accept your challenge, Lord
65. LINKING RINGS!" hollered Sonic at the top of
66. A coooooouuun-try frog, and his faith-a-ful dog, but the dog had
67. A goat fetus.
"HOLD THE LINE! HOLD THE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII- oof!" screeched Shadow as the destructive force of events threw him into a wall. Sonic was busy dueling Lord Linking Rings at the summit of a dog and a frog and a goat child, having re-mustered his strength.
68. That wedding in Alabama
69. Raves about her most likely fictional problems
70. And a little potting soil!
71. SONIC
72. INSANITY!
"When was the word Insanity used in this chapter, except for in the title?" Shadow groused.
"Right there! See, 72. Insanity!" Knuckles indicated. Shadow tried to argue with this, but could not.
"I guess this is the end for a while," Sonic said.
"But don't worry, we might be back!" Tails encouraged.
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"Testing… one, two, four, testing…"
"I didn't know you could count to four."
"Shut up, Shadow! Anyway, this is Linkin Park's "In The End" with different lyrics to close the fic for a while with."
"Yeah, after Eggman made that monstrosity of Papercut, we figured we owed it to the LP guys to make a-"
"Nobody asked you, Tails. Now… ready, go!"
The almost famous piano part came in. The sweet notes trailed over each other sadly as muted scratching came in under it. As it played the fourth time, it temporarily stopped, and Knuckles screamed:
"SONIC INSANITY REMIX!"
It began to play, but at a faster tempo and harder with some serious guitars and bass. Knuckles sat at the drum kit, DJ scratching and pounding away at the kit with both hands like a maniac. He continued to scream "REMIX!" in one drawn-out howl. Tails, unfortunately relegated to being bassist, played the repetitive piano part on the bass. Shadow went into a short solo before crooning gently:
"It starts with one…"
Sonic took the microphone, holding it to his mouth.
"One thing- I don't know why, it doesn't really matter how much you cry, deep down inside Shadow's just some guy who really should have died when he…"
"Fell to Earth…" sang Shadow, already plotting his revenge in the second verse.
"Power is a wonderful thing, sort of like my ability to sing, and so I'd look like a rapper I gave Knuckles a ring, (here he made a stupid telephone gesture) and he hooked me up with…"
"All his bling…" Shadow was, at this point, rollicking on the floor in undisguised merriment. Sonic gave him a good kick in the ribs."Where did the first chapter go, time won't go slow, the story's no more, it might be back, but right now we don't know, leave it to the author to…"
"Update slooooooooooooooooooow…" sang Shadow, singing long and loud under Sonic's raps. The author decided to humor his characters, letting them have their insults. He could always write stories featuring the rude characters dying repeatedly.
"I don't really want to die, though the author tried, to beatmeovertheheadwithahammeranddumpmeinaditchonthesideoftheroadwhileIwaswrappedinbarbedwire," Sonic rapped at extremely high speeds. "What it meant to me, only agony, but a memory of a time when I tried so hard…"
Shadow, tired of Sonic's really, really dreadful rapping, took center stage.
"I tried so hard, to hide my scars… but in the end, it never really mattered… and Sonic's mom, she was the bomb… even though she's always getting fattttttteeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrr…" Sonic let out an animal scream of rage. It looked like Shadow would have the last word in the story, at least for a while. As the two of them fought, Knuckles came in with the next verse.
"One thing- I don't understand, how Christmas has been ruined by a jolly fat man! He says he brings presents for the holidays, but in reality he spreads a racism haze! It's only the Christians that get all the loot, while the Jews and the Muslims are getting the boot. Commercialization with gifts in profusion? Where do I sign for the foreign exclusion? So if you're a Christian, than count yourself blessed, but Santa tells anyone else not to mess. It's better to patiently wait for rewards, than mess with S.C. just for your treasure horde. He knows when you sleep, and that sounds like Big Brother. In some Christmas carols, he fools with your mother. So don't take a chance and call him on his game, or else your loose mother will put you to shame. Thank you." Knuckles backed down in respect for Shadow. Everyone was in awe at his amazing rap skills, although they hadn't exactly cohered to the rhythm OR been even slightly relevant.
"I tried so hard, bla blah bla blah… but Knuckles couldn't figure out what he was talking about… I tried so hard, to shove his head through the skin of his own drum… but in the end, he's irrelevant and stupid…" Shadow growled, glaring at an unrepentant Knuckles. Tails took up the third and final verse.
"One thing- I'm a rapper's delight, always the best in a lyrical fight, keep this tonight as a sign of our flight, cause we might not see you for a…"
"Real long time…"
"This story's being put on hold, but don't assume the worst cause the author's not that bold, what kind of guy would leave his readers sitting out in the cold, after they got him to his eight hundred-"
"Review goal…"
"So don't panic, we're still friends, I'm sure the four of us will soon see all you again, and if they know me, and if I know them, we'll be in some new chapters-"
"In the END…"
"So step back and watch the show, cause now we got to go, but don't fall apart! What it meant to me is about to be just a memory of a time…"
"We tried so hard, and… um… tried so hard… but in the end, we tried hard some mooooooooooore… we tried so hard, and did something in the meantime… but in the end, Tails was the only good raaapppeeeeeeerrrr…." Shadow crooned gently. An orchestral string arrangement that had been lurking behind the scene quickly went into the piano section with string and brass accompaniment.
"We made you laugh, it's true, pushed as far as we could go," he sang. "Through all this, there's just one thing that I knoooooooOOOOOOOOOooooooow!" A rousing burst from the strings came in, and the crowd cheered.
"We made you laugh, it's true," sang all four furries, "worked as hard as we will know, through all this… there's only one thing you should knoooooooooooowwwwwwwwww…"
"Maria and Shadow's mom are AMAAAAAAAAZING!" Knuckles cackled. Shadow bellowed and leaped onto his insulter.
Tails took up the chorus. "We tried so-"
"HARD!" screamed Sonic, as Knuckles and Shadow flew some heads in the background.
"To stay so long… but in the end, we'll be back sometime later... we worked so-"
"MUCH!"
"To keep our touch…" Tails bowed his head sadly. "But in the end…"
"It's never gonna matteeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr…" whispered Sonic hauntingly.
The piano continued to play, and Knuckles and Shadow continued to fight, while they all faded away… into blackness.
"So, who's up for some e-backgammon?" the author asked.
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So, that's the temporary end! But don't worry, I might continue. If I don't, you'll see more stories from me! Bye!