2. T H O U G H T S
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Naturally, Edward was waiting for me. After securely closing my bedroom door behind me, I flew to his arms, unable to stop the fresh wave of tears.
"Bella," he murmured, his stone-cold embrace immediately comforting me. "I never intended for you to feel this way . . . to cause you so much distress . . ."
I blinked, his words startling me out of my tears. "What are you talking about? What did you do?"
His eyes searched my own, clearly puzzled. "For putting you through all of this, for my own selfish intentions . . . You never wanted to get married, and I should not have made you feel so obligated as to force yourself to experience the pain that you are feeling right now. . ." As evidence, his finger caught one of the tears that had made it only halfway down my cheek.
I laughed now, surprised that I was able to do so. "Edward, I'm not crying because we're getting married; please don't think that."
"But earlier, when I was explaining to Charlie the reason as to why we wished to be married . . ." He shook his head, his eyes slightly unfocused as he considered the memory. "You seemed so sad."
I smiled at him, at his ignorance. "Edward . . . I wasn't crying out of sadness. Couldn't you have seen that?"
The confusion was still plain in his golden eyes. "It's hard to tell . . . especially when I can't hear what you are thinking. You have no idea how frustrating it is for me." He gathered my hands in his own, gently resting his lips on my fingertips. "To never be able to answer the unknown questions that haunt your eyes . . . to know why you're sad, why you're hurt . . ." He sighed regretfully, his breath cool on my skin. A sad feeling welled up in the pit of my stomach then; the sadness for his pain. I found solace in the fact that my next words would be happy ones; they were sure to please him.
"I was crying because . . . well, I guess I finally realized why you want to marry me so badly. How much it really means to you. Being married . . . it doesn't seem like such a bad thing, anymore."
His eyes met mine though, butterscotch and lovely. A mixture of joy and relief washed over his expression, melting away the mask of hurt and frustration that had plagued his features before. "You truly mean that? You aren't just trying to appease me?"
I laughed lightly, a tremor of overwhelming happiness creeping into my voice. "I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life – no, the rest of forever – with you. And if it means being your bride . . ." I smiled at the rapture that warmed his golden eyes, at the way his lips form the crooked smile that made my heart burst. "…then, 'I do'."
He kissed me then, his lips meeting mine in a surge of passion that was overwhelmingly strong. My heart hummed in my chest, forgetting how to beat properly, unable to find a steady rhythm. He held me closer, his embrace erasing any doubts that I had ever had, making me realize the pure clarity of my decision; of my future.
--
I had had no intentions of sleeping that night; the argument of the evening had left adrenaline running through my blood, and being with Edward certainly didn't tranquilize me – not when everything was so perfect, when the mood was so set . . .
Well, nearly set.
Sometime in the middle of the night, as I lay in Edward's arms, we were interrupted. He had stiffened suddenly, immediately pulling himself away from our hold. I was shocked at the tremor of discomfort that I felt at this, and I struggled to study his face in the darkness of the room for some sort of explanation.
"Charlie," he whispered. "He wishes to speak with you."
I could not help but notice the hardness in his tone, the curt way he spoke the words . This wasn't going to be a good talk, I could tell.
"Come back later, please," I whispered back. He nodded once before darting out the window, his absence deadening the euphoria that I had felt earlier.
The door to my room opened half a second later. "Bells?" Charlie's voice was little more than a whisper.
"Yeah, Dad. I'm awake."
"Oh. I figured you would be. I couldn't sleep, either."
For a brief moment, I felt a touch of guilt.
Charlie walked into the room then, sitting himself on the rocking chair that sat in the corner. "Bella . . . I want to start out by apologizing."
This was new. I'd figured that I would have to be the one doing the apologizing here . . . at least, from Charlie's perspective.
"I guess I should have realized that this was coming . . . You're a big girl now, and I guess you're really in love with this kid." He was mumbling now; it was obvious that he wasn't fond of the idea of who I loved.
"But I'm not sure if you ever took the time to consider your options. I understand that you're pretty mature for your age, and that you tend to have good sense of things." He sighed, his gaze falling to the floor. "But from experience, I can tell you that this 'love' business has a way of clouding one's judgment."
I winced. Renée, again.
"I just want to make sure that you're doing what's best for you . . . that you aren't just rushing into things. Have you considered your other options?"
"Other options?" It was the first time that I had spoken, the words tumbling unwillingly from my lips. I was surprised at the harsh quality of my voice, at how immediately defensive I had sounded.
"Edward isn't the only man in the universe."
I closed my eyes, letting my head fall onto the pillow. I knew where this was going, and I didn't want to hear it. I realized now why Edward hadn't sounded happy with whatever he had grasped of Charlie's thoughts . . .
"Bella, please, hear me out. At least listen to what I have to say."
I kept my eyes tightly closed, trying to steady my thoughts. "Fine."
"Bella . . . I'm not blind. I know that you're pretty crazy about Edward. But that's not to say that when Edward left you last year . . .Well, frankly, I was so sure that you and Jake – "
"Dad. Please. Not now." Even though I had known that Jacob's name was going to rear its way into the conversation, I could not help but feel the familiar, bitter resentment rise up inside of me.
"Bella, I've spoken to Billy . . . Jacob hasn't been taking things well. Billy hasn't even seen him in the past few days . . .Billy suspects that he's needed time to clear his head, to get over things." Charlie's voice was hard; he was ready to defend himself, anticipating my reaction.
Instantly, Jacob's face flashed into my mind; the hollow sadness that had filled his gentle brown eyes as we had said our goodbyes. I was surprised at the sudden pain that I felt in my heart; the familiar pain of that tiny piece that remained in Jake's possession.
"Bella, I know what it's like to be in love, and I know what it's like to rush into things. You might think that Edward is right for you now, but . . ." He shrugged. "What if you regret it later? What if you don't realize that until it's too late?"
The phantom wound healed over instantly as my defense for the bigger half of my heart, Edward, kicked in. "Dad, I won't regret it. I've never been so sure about anything in my life. I've been with him for a long time, now, and I know that this is it. I'm not going to get another chance like this."
I heard Charlie mutter something incoherent. I didn't have to be a mind reader to know what he was mumbling about.
"Dad, I love him. Is that so hard to accept?"
He muttered again, and then he sighed. "Maybe I'm just afraid of losing you, Bells. I don't know."
I didn't have an answer for that one.
Because he was losing me, in the long run. After Edward and I got married, after the honeymoon . . .
I wasn't going to be Bella Swan, Chief Swan's daughter, anymore.
I was going to be something new. Something alien, something different.
And I certainly wasn't going to be able to see Charlie anymore.
He cleared his throat in my silence, mistaking it for defiance. "You're right, Bells. I'm sorry – I should trust you. If you really love him . . ." – more muttering under his breath – "Then I guess I can't really stop you from marrying him."
I sighed, pushing the thoughts of that future aside. This was what was going on now; my marriage, and Charlie. I'd worry about everything else later.
"Thank you, Dad. Your word means the world to me."
"Sure, Bella. Of course." The words were mumbled in his embarrassment and although my eyes were closed, I knew that if I'd opened them I would have seen the familiar crimson creeping onto his face. A small smile formed on my lips.
But as he shuffled out of my room, closing the door behind him, it was impossible to smile; to silence the spiteful thoughts that swirled through my mind.
Jacob, sad and alone, doomed to spend the rest of his life knowing that his love had chosen someone else.
Until he imprints, a tiny voice reminded me.
I pressed my head deeper into the pillow, waiting. Edward would be back at any moment. I had promised him that I would never think about Jacob again – and for his sake, I wouldn't. Edward deserved better than that – someone better than a foolish girl who wasted time on foolish worries.
And so when he rejoined me, curling up beside me on my bed and holding me close to his marble chest, I had never been more grateful that he was not able to hear my mind.
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