FLASHBACK TIEM!!1!

It was time for the Sorting of the new students. Everyone was gathered in the Great Hall to watch the ceremony.

"Satan!" McGoogle barked, and everyone gasped and turned to Satan.

"Your name is Satan?!" the first-years yelped excitedly.

"THAT'S MY MIDDLE NAME MY REAL NAME IS TOM BOMBADIL" Satan screeched as he went up to the Sorting hat. But he wasn't really, because if you read the first chapter you'd know he actually was Satan but everyone doesn't know that because they're stupid except for Harry who is a Gary-Stu.

The Sorting hat contorted into an amazingly cute grin as it sat on Satan's head for a while.

"Gryffindor!" it said with a voice as high-pitched as Yoshi on crack.

"WTF IS THIS I SHOULD BE IN SLYTHERIN I'M SATAN I MEAN TOM BOMBADIL" Satan growled and took a seat next to Harry.

"YOU THERE YOU'RE HARRY POTTER HI DON'T MIND ME I'M TOM BOMBADIL NOT SATAN"

Harry ignored Satan because he had the magical EPIC GARY STU sight which allowed him to see lots of magical epic things, including but not limited to McGonagall without clothing. Let's not picture that.

Suddenly the doors of the Great Hall burst open and a big poser (Draco) entered the room, wearing a long black trenchcoat and a necklace with a unicursal hexagram on it. Maybe he wasn't such a poser after all, because if you know what a unicursal hexagram is then you'd know what you're talking about. Harry with his ALL-SEEING EYE noted that Draco was wearing a thong under his Satanic outfit for some reason. Maybe he was planning to do a striptease.

Satan looked at Draco like he had just fallen in love, which he probably had because Draco was secretly gay.

"I'M HERE NOW COWER IN MY WAKE" Draco yelled, doing a poor imitation of Satan.

"DRACO I LOVE YOU WILL YOU MARRY ME" Satan shrieked.

But Draco wasn't listening. He went right up to the front of the Great Hall and did a striptease, which sent half the school into hysterics and the other half scarred for life. Before any naughty bits could be shown, however, Dumbledore grabbed Draco and dragged him aside.

"YOU ARE PERMANENTLY EXPELLED" he yelled and drop-kicked Draco out the window.

"YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE I'M A SATANIC ARYAN NAZI" Draco yelled, but no-one at Hogwarts could hear him because at this moment he was flying over New York. However, quite a few New Yorkers overheard him, which made for some interesting discussion the next day. However, Satan was flying behind Draco! He kicked Draco in the groin and he dropped to the ground, then they had a slapping fight. I'm not quite sure who won but it's inconsequential.

A few days later, Draco returned to Hogwarts, beaten and bruised.

"Hey, Dumblydork, can I come back? I feel terrible." He said in perfect English.

However, Dumbledoor was not there! He leapt into the room presently with all the elegant grace of an elephant with its shoelaces tied together, despite elephants not wearing shoes. He dragged along behind him a possessed Snape, who spouted all manner of profane curses about what he was planning to do with the parfait he just saw Ron eating.

"SHUT UP HERETIC MOTHER F--KER" Dumblydore yelped, slapping Snape across the face with a large trout.

"NO U" came the response.

"WTF" Draco shrieked.

"DRACO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE" Dumbledore yelled.

"Well, I just poured out a heartfelt speech about how I should come back, but you weren't here."

"NO"

"MY DAD IS A SATANIC NAZI AND HE WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T LET ME IN"

Dumbledore wasn't listening. He wandered over to his desk, muttering something like "I wonder what's for DINNER" Presently, Fawkes turned into a roast chicken.

"FUCK YOU I DON'T NEED YOU" Draco stormed off. He had the perfect plan to get back into Hogwarts: fiddle with Dumbledore's mind so he would let him back in! But how would he do that?

"SAY IT LOOKS LIKE YOU WANT TO BRAINWASH SOMEONE" came a voice. It was Satan!

"WTF Yes I do." Draco responded.

"WELL THEN I WILL HAVE YOUR SOUL"

"BUT I GAVE MY SOUL TO SATAN"

"FUCK YOU I AM SATAN"

"NO YOU'RE TOM BOMBADIL"

And then Draco was a zombie.