Sonic Insanity

To Justin Time- Dude, don't worry about long reviews. I liked that review a lot, it helped me out in terms of changing my style to make things better. Keep it up, don't be worried to tell me what you think. That goes for all of you, too. I really like reviews where you tell me what could be made better, I won't take offense. But seriously, though, J.T, I will work on making the characters less "idiots with randomly assigned behavior" and more distinct individuals.

Anyway, to the slightly different fanfic!

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Things were not going exceptionally well at the Sonic household. As if they ever had. The only piece anybody in the Sonic house had ever had was Sonic, and that was the two or three paragraphs of exposition before the alarm clock rang in Chapter One. From then on it had been paranoia, furtive and abnormal behavior, Jerry Bruckheimer-grade inconsistencies and preposterous occurrences, hasty assassination attempts, backstabbing and treason, Evanescence music, all seven deadly sins, adultery and butchered syntax and grammar. All morally reprehensible, corrupt, decadent, foul and loathsome things to occur among characters whose previous worst offense was saying "damn" every time a certain one of them died in Shadow the Hedgehog.

And judging by the way things were going, things weren't about to get much better.

I'm Shadow the Hedgehog, hit man. I'm a professional killer. I do my job well, even if there usually is forty-five hundred dollars worth of ammunition wasted by the end. I've got a faulty memory, a gravelly voice, an unclear past, psychotically diverse motivation, and a lot of emotional baggage. Did I mention my uniqueness as a character?

I can remember my first kill. I was assigned by the Chicago Mafia to whack a shady parakeet who'd been sent to spy on the Fibbies, but bailed and started spilling secrets. I found him fast but the job wasn't quick. I hadn't planned on anything fancy, just a couple of mortar rounds, a pistol, three grenades, several remote detonation mines, a sniper rifle with two kinds of ammo, and a Gatling. He was in a fancy restaurant with some gorgeous lady types as a result of all that money he'd gotten from ratting. Despite all my weaponry, it only took me one shot…

One shot of vodka, that is, before getting to the task. But I managed to only spend seventy-six bullets on him, as well as two of the grenades, all the mortar rounds and four of the mines. Since then I worked my way through the animal criminal underworld, slaying my way to the top until my record was 4 shots fired. Eighty percent of the time, it's a guaranteed success. Yes, I know that didn't make any sense.

But this job was harder. I was to turn the guns on the pet of one of my old rivals and even friends, but mostly bitter, raging enemies who happened to share the same living quarters due to the gods playing a cruel joke; Sonic the Hedgehog, startling nobody younger than the 80s generation with his edgy attitude and "rocking cool moves." It was my duty, assigned by myself out of an undying hatred for Sonic's behavior following his acquisition of the puppy, to murder it and implicate Knuckles the Echidna in the process. It hurt to think that that oafish boor would receive the credit for my masterful assassination, but it had to be done.

I prepared myself for the job. It was stealth gear this time around. I wrapped myself in light black ninja clothing and took only the quietest, most portable weaponry ever devised. Taking my extremely lightweight and silent Civil War-era cannon with me, I also packed a few daggers and a katana in case there was a confrontation.

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I'm Knuckles the Echidna, the smartest person in the world. Call me "Genius" if you like. My interests are rap music, the gangsta lifestyle, floozies, keeping it cool, Neapolitan ice cream, having lots of real money that isn't fake, violence, racial degradation, and being smart. Did I already say that I'm not stupid and I'm really smart? Good.

I've killed tons of people before, really, I have! All those guys I fought died right after you stopped watching, I mean it! Really, they did! Even though they won the fights! So I figured, what's killing again? This one's just a canine. Nothing wrong, right? Pull the trigger, bam! He's dead. I'm smart. You knew that, right?

But this could result in complications. As hardened and tough a gangster I obviously am and am not pretending to be, I'm a sensitive person at some level. Cause, you know, R&B makes money just like rap, I have to capitalize. Look how far gangsta got Dre, now nobody cares what he does anymore. So I'm honest when I say that it didn't feel good, the way I was going about this particular killing.

See, as part of the job, it would be necessary to cover my own tracks. It was simple, then- I had to frame Shadow the Hedgehog. By leaving the murder weapon in his room, I would be acquitted of all charges and Shadow would be in a nice cozy jail cell for the rest of his life. Actually, I don't know how long you get imprisoned for animal murder, so maybe he'd get out. Don't let that make you think I'm not smart, though. I know two plus two equals two and a half like everybody else.

It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it. This job required subtlety. I carried only my spiked fists. Well, I didn't carry them, more sort of had them attached to my wrists, but you get the idea.

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I'm Tails. Tails the Fox, or Kitsune if you're an anime buff. I said buff because I'm passive-aggressive and right now I'm too passive to say dork or something mean like that.

Anyway, Shadow and Knuckles are completely out of their minds and will get us all killed, arrested or deported before this story is over. That is all.

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It was a dark night, as nights tend to be. Sonic's bedroom, a total mess, was dim and unfathomable in the darkness. No windows were opened. Through the blinds one could vaguely see Sonic's face as he slumbered, cuddling with an also sleeping Claudio. Neither one could imagine the horror about to unfold.

Through the door slid the shadow of a hedgehog. It glanced around nervously, then crouched low to the floor just as the silhouette of an echidna came out from underneath the bed. Neither could see each other- the bed blocked the view. On the mattress, Sonic frowned and mumbled something about a staircase made out of bacon. Both would-be-assassins froze, twilight specters in the scant moonlight. His fitful sleep ceased and Sonic dozed off again. Satisfied, both moved into position. The one that had come in through the door pulled out a throwing dagger, dully glinting. The one under the bed readied a spiked fist and drew it back, ready to plunge it into the puppy's side. (Don't worry, kids, nothing too graphic happens.)

At the exact same moment, the spiked fist began to lunge forward just as the throwing dagger left the ninja hedgehog's hand. Both entered the dog at the exact same time, and in typical PG-13 fashion, the dog stiffened without a drop of blood and perished. The owner of the dagger summoned it back to him before the echidna saw it and Chaos Controlled out of the room without a sound. The echidna retracted his fist and scurried noiselessly out the door.

Shadow gingerly lay the silver dagger where Knuckles wouldn't see it, but Sonic would if he did a thorough examination. This was not hard, as Knuckles was extremely oblivious and would not notice anything. A pang of regret filled him, but he abandoned it quickly and ran out, Chaos Control forgotten.

Knuckles left the spiked glove that had done the deed in Shadow's room. He hid it very obviously on a table in clear view of the door, the window, the bed and any possible place that being seated in the room would be convenient. As he retreated and began to walk back toward his own room, he and Shadow walked right into each other, equal distances away from each of their rooms.

"Shadow!" Knuckles muttered, startled.

"Knuckles," Shadow mumbled. "Out for a midnight stroll?"

Knuckles attempted a forced chuckle. "Er… yes, matter of fact. Clears the head, you know. How about you?"

"Just wanted a midnight snack," Shadow gulped nervously. Knuckles was too concerned about being found out himself to ask why the kitchen light had not been turned on. "Um… good night, then."

"Good night," shivered Knuckles. Both walked as calmly as possible into their rooms and went to bed, too concerned about being found out to notice the criminal evidence that had been planted. Both murderers quickly fell asleep.

Morning ushered in shrill screams from Sonic.

"Oh my god! OMG! Claudio is dead, he's been… stabbed! Oh, my sweet cute small onion guillotine, oh, my beloved, devoted little stem cell hostage negotiator…"

Knuckles and Shadow both smiled contentedly and rolled over in bed, trying to look as unaware as possible. Both were certain that the other would soon be framed. Neither noticed the incriminating evidence.

"Knuckles!" screamed Sonic, staggering brokenly into the red echidna's room. "Claudio's dead, Claudio, he…. OH MY GOD! You killed him!" he shouted, gesticulating at the dagger lying on Knuckles' table.

"What? It wasn't me, honest!" lied Knuckles. "Shadow did it! Go look in his room!" A horrifying realization had started to dawn on him.

Favoring Knuckles with an immensely suspicious glance, Sonic stormed in that direction, had a heated argument with Shadow, and emerged with a spiked glove and Shadow in tow. "Knuckles, you idiot, this is your glove! Why would Shadow kill my dog with your glove?"

"He wanted to incriminate me!" Knuckles declared.

"Why would I leave it in my room, then?" Shadow shrieked.

"That reminds me, why did you leave this dagger in my room?" snarled Knuckles. Suddenly both realized what had happened and looked at each other with terror.

Sonic was oblivious. "I'll never rest until the day I find out which one of you slew my precious yogurt repairman Claudio!"

Before anyone could ask what exactly a yogurt repairman was, Claudio came bounding in, stab wounds visible but somehow unhurt.

"Claudio?" asked Sonic, full of confusion. "But… but, how is this possible?"

"Yeah, I thought I killed him!" Knuckles and Shadow said at the same time, deeply regretting it.

Suddenly the dog began to laugh sinisterly through a speaker. "Hah! You fools were too overcome with affection-slash-rage to realize that I had infiltrated your ranks! I hid myself in that pet shop, waiting for opportunity to strike, and I managed to spy on the inner workings of your house!"

"What inner workings?" screamed Sonic, acquiring four new facial tics out of betrayal and rage. His nose started to twitch in a most distracting manner. "We have no inner workings! It's you who has inner workings! The only time we develop any plans against you is in direct response to your world-domination schemes! And every time it's the same! We go through a bunch of suspiciously linear stages, defeat large numbers of robots and finally beat you for the time being! We are not developing any new strategies! Your time would be better spent improving your own strategy!"

"SILENCE! I will not be spoken to like that by insubordinates and disloyal fiends!" Eggman raged. "Never trust a furry, eh? One moment I count you among my closest friends, the next all I have to do is declare war on you and you switch sides!"

"If you declare war on somebody, they are automatically on the opposite side!" howled Knuckles, amazed at the doctor's stupidity. "They cannot defect to their own side because you are specifically declaring war on them! If they switched sides it would be over! And when did you ever count us among your closest friends?"

"Once…" said Eggman mistily, teardrops forming in his piggish eyes. "A very long time ago…"

Flashback…

The Sonic gang was in preschool. Sonic ran around the classroom, being chased by Amy, who in those days of short-legged infancy was just as fast as him. Tails invented devices that, due to youth, he did not know were already invented, such as toasters. In fact, he obsessively created new designs for toasting bread… kind of creepy. Knuckles punched a wall angrily, frustrated that he did not understand the alphabet as a hassled teacher explained it to him. Shadow set fire to building blocks and chuckled heartily at his own malice.

Suddenly the door opened and a hall monitor ushered in a shy new student they hadn't seen before. A propeller cap perched atop his head, and suspenders kept his trousers up high. The rest of his spherical body was clad in a tucked-in polo shirt, high socks and red shoes. He carried pencils, a handkerchief and a photograph of his dead mother in his hand. The boy sat down next to the four Sonic pals, who had sat down for reading time.

"My name's Eggman," he whispered. "Wanna be friends?"

"Sure!" beamed Sonic merrily, and there was a long extraneous montage of them skipping in a field or developing their friendship or some flowery nonsense like that.

"I count you as my closest friends, you know," Eggman proclaimed at the end of the montage.

"We hate you," Sonic said, and he stomped on the photograph of Eggman's dead mother and punched him in the face.

End flashback…

"We didn't go to preschool together," Sonic corrected. "In fact, I would be surprised if any of us have ever been to preschool at all."

"SHUT UP! I had a bad childhood, okay? I was treated really well and everything, but sometimes I wouldn't get what I wanted! Then I would be confined to five meals a day, and I won't stand for you to mock me!" Eggman screeched. "Egg Hound… CHARGE!"

Sonic and co. stared apprehensively at the small dog, waiting for it to transfigure into a monstrous canine. Instead, it simply ran forward and tried to bite them. Shadow lifted his foot and smashed the robot dog underneath it. Sonic whimpered.

"Your plan is a failure, Eggman! Give it up!" Knuckles cried.

"I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!" shrieked Eggman as he figuratively turned tail and fled.

"Um," they all said.

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I wrote this whole chapter in a day, just for you guys! I will be devoting most of my time to writing my Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess parody and my novel for a while, so don't expect any updates too soon. I just wanted to wrap up the puppy storyline.