Rain poured down on Hogwarts. As it was England, nobody paid much notice, even though this was magic acid rain. Professor Trelawney walked out into the yard and could be heard screaming something about fried chicken in the sky as her brain fried from the bad trip.

Presently, our protagonist was attending Potions class. Nobody was listening as usual while Professor Severe Snipe droned on about some random shit. A few people had fallen asleep, but the vultures hovering around the class would point towards a different view.

A cauldron in the corner had bubbled over and had released some caustic black liquid which crept across the floor and devoured a desk, student and all.

Upon realizing that nobody cared, Snape swore under his breath muttering something about bloody cats before leaving the room presently to get his daily dose of wizard porn.

Ron turned around to face Harry so suddenly his robe slapped him across the face.

"HAY HARRY. You know that new kid?"

"Which one?" Harry muttered, flicking through Girlfriend magazine.

"Alex…I didn't catch his last name. The weird one." He turned to see the aforementioned Alex staring at him oddly.

"He's been staring at me all day." Ron pointed out the obvious as Alex gave him a sardonic grin.

Satan giggled from nearby as quietly as a tyrannosaurus rex rampaging through a house in the middle of London.

"I say!" erupted the horrendously loud voice of Alex. The boy stormed over to Satan's seat and glared at him.

"By what manner dost thou find me funny, you bratchny?"

Satan laughed even harder as the tyrannosaurus fell into the swimming pool.

Alex snorted and turned to see Harry, grinning maliciously. He sauntered over to him.

"Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well. Harry Potter. To what do I owe the extreme pleasure of this surprise visit?"

"Erm, maybe because we attend the same school?" Harry threw up a hand in nonchalance as his pencil went flying into someone's eye.

"Hmm. Perhaps. You interessovat me. I kopat you, Harry! Dobby chelloveck! Henceforth you shalt be mine droog."

"what the fuck is he saying" Ron whispered.

"i dunno lol" Satan responded.

"Horrorshow." Alex smirked, patting Harry on the head before dancing back to his own seat singing 'Singing in the Rain' and kicking someone's chair over.

--

Being Alex's 'droog', as it were, meant that Harry had to sit next to him at dinner. How a child this bizarre could have gotten into the elite military squad - erm, house - that was Gryffindor puzzled him. But of course, so was Neville, and he wasn't good for anything except a meatshield. Harry paused to sip a vodka as food appeared at the table.

Alex gasped.

"Viddy all this pishcha, droogie! Eggiwegs! And jammiwam! Steaky wake! Chocbars! Kartoffeln! Kleb and maslo! And little…shives…of…toast!"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP" Satan growled.

"I don't think he's speaking English." Ron muttered.

"I don't think you're speaking- wait, why is everyone speaking proper English all of a sudden?" Harry was confused.

"I DUNNO LOL!11!" Ron exploded. Literally. Guts went flying everywhere, much to nobody's notice.

"That's better." Harry resumed eating.

Presently, Hermione ran into the room.

"GAIZ!!!!!!! U WONT HABEEB WUT I WROT"

"…I'm afraid to ask." Harry shook his head.

"Why, hello there, devotchka! I'll take a viddy at yer warbles. 'Tis warbles, right?" Alex stared at Hermione's chest.

"NO. ITS FANFICTION"

"Oh, sweet Jesus." Harry planted his head into his spaghetti, which presently tried to pull him into the bowl. He tore it off his head and flung it across the room, whereupon the spaghetti monster began making a meal out of Hufflepuff.

Alex took the manuscript in hand and pored over it meticulously.

"Hmm, zammechat…a bit of the ol' in-out, is it?"

"YES IT'S ME AND HARRY HAVING SEX ISN'T IT GREAT LOL"

"WHAT?!" Harry screamed, the sound of which was heard by Soviet aliens on Fomalhaut b which, assuming the voice was that of the sun exploding, immediately evacuated the planet whereupon their race was wiped out by a passing space dragon.

He grabbed the paper and hurled it into the fireplace.

Nobody seemed to notice a small black hand reaching out of the fireplace. Actually, Harry's EPIC GARY-STU SIGHT did, but he was so exhausted by the previous events that he immediately collapsed.

Hermione was frozen with shock over the loss of her 'masterpiece'.

Alex stared at her sardonically.

"Say, devotchka, how's about some of the ol' in-out with your droog Alex, eh?"

"WUT"

"Wanna have sex?"

"OKAY"