Sonic Insanity
I've stopped writing my Twilight Princess parody, guys, but fanfiction ain't coming much faster in any case. I'll do my best, though. By 85 chapters, do you think we could get 1000 reviews? Let's go for it!
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Sonic was now a little less mad at Knuckles and Shadow since his pet had turned out to be Eggman in disguise. However, he was still angry with them as usual, and so the Sonic household was full of simmering hostility and resentment. They had not gone out for a long time, instead choosing to mope around the house and glare at each other.
The phone rang noisily, disturbing Shadow's brooding fantasies of using horrendous aiming controls and dreadful voice acting to destroy armies of aliens composed of 3 polygons. And by that, I don't mean that each alien was composed of 3 polygons. I mean that the entire army of aliens was composed of 3 polygons together. The graphics were that bad.
Anyway, as I was saying before I interrupted myself, the phone rang with a great ruckus and a hullabaloo. Sonic glared at Knuckles, who glared at Shadow, who stared into space and mumbled about finding that damn fourth Chaos Emerald under his breath.
"TAILS!" yelled Knuckles, drowning out the phone's third ring. They remembered that Tails had actually been leaving the house on a regular basis… in fact, a bit too regular a basis. He always came home with lipstick all over his face and rumpled clothing, as well as the perfume smells of Amy, Tikal, and Rouge on him… but that didn't mean anything. He was probably… um… a door-to-door lipstick and perfume salesman! That was it!
The phone rang a fourth time, then stopped as the answering machine message began to play. "Hey, this is the residence of Knuckles and Shadow the Fo Real Pimps and Tails their Pimp Padawan Apprentice. Sonic also lives here, on the rare occasion that he's not in the mental institution just down the-"
"GET OFF MY PHONE!" screamed Sonic's voice, cutting off Knuckles' whiny blather. In the background, Shadow could be heard complaining about being called a "Fo Real Pimp." "Hey, you've got Sonic's house, I'm probably out ruining your mother's hopes and dreams of being an honest woman. Leave your message and I'll get back to you if I remember that you exist." There was a short silence, followed by the sound of beeps and blips. "How does this thing end the message? Ah, finally!" However, the message kept running. A few seconds later, Shadow's voice came on. "The real message: Hey, this is the house of Shadow, Knuckles, Sonic and Tails. We're somewhere else, so leave a message and we'll get back to you. If you are requesting a slash carnival between Sonic and me, please press 5 for more options, such as ETERNAL DAMNATION AND TORMENT! Heh heh… damn… that's a good word… damn damn da-" The message ended.
"Hey, Knuckles? Guys? Anybody there?" came Rouge's tentative voice. "Um, this is Rouge… I was just calling cause… well, you know… none of us have really seen any of you, except for Tails…" The sound of Tails, Amy and Tikal laughing could be heard in the background. "So, I just want you to know that you can come over whenever you want, just get out a little more, cause we miss you, you know?" There was a long pause, during which Amy could be heard complaining, "Why am I so bad at strip poker?" Rouge's voice returned. "All right, see you later, guys. Bye." The message ended.
Sonic was looking thunderous. A menacing trickle of smoke wafted from one ear, and his face was as red as a ketchup smoothie. His hands were curled into fists. Knuckles and Shadow watched fearfully for signs of greater wrath than this.
"SHADOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" screamed Sonic.
"What?" Shadow asked innocently.
"Why did you record at the end of my answering machine message?" exploded Sonic angrily.
Knuckles erupted with rage. "You dolt! You utter and complete nincompoop! Heh… poop…" he tittered immaturely. A disbelieving stare from Sonic brought him back on track. "You fool! Do you realize what's been happening? While you've been concerned about the easily fixed problem of your bizarre message machine recording, Tails has been out there consorting with all our ladies!"
"That's not a real glitch! Video footage or it never happened!" Shadow sniped back, having evidently turned into a GameFAQs board member.
"There's audio footage!" Knuckles screamed. "Tails has been playing strip poker with our girls, as well as probably worse! Where do you think they were that miserable Halloween night? Why do you think Tails looked so happy afterward? Why do you think that Tails has left every day and come back with the scent of our girls on him? Why do you think that when Tails was away, we never heard from the girls? It's as plain as the ugly, misshapen tar-like blob of a nose on Shadow's face! Our girls have been seduced by a third-rate midget geek with nothing but a string of successively worse voice actors to his name!"
"These are all coincidences!" objected Sonic. "Circumstantial evidence! There's nothing solid to suggest that our ladies have been doing anything sexual with Tails!"
"Well, I know how we can PROVEit!" Knuckles rallied, having inexplicably become the smart one in the group. "This will give you two your precious video footage, as well as irrevocably back up my point!"
"What?" Shadow and Sonic asked in unison, confused.
"Several weeks ago," Knuckles confessed, a blithe smirk appearing on his face, "I was at Rouge's house when she asked me to fix a leak in her bedroom ceiling. As I did so, I discreetly installed a web cam so that I… er… might be able to witness her changing clothes."
"What foul, grotesque, unnatural behavior," growled Sonic gutturally while aiming a video camera at the bathroom window of the woman next-door.
"So we can use that to see what Tails is doing over there!" Knuckles claimed triumphantly, walking over to his laptop. Sonic threw a bowling ball at it and the laptop was destroyed.
"YOU IDIOT! Why did you do that?" raged Knuckles.
"I'm trying to suppress reason and evidence in support of my own opinions and beliefs!" Sonic argued. "I figured it might get me into Bush's science advisory department!"
"Thankfully," Knuckles snarled, "my web cam is accessible from anywhere on the Internet, so that particular laptop doesn't count." He pulled out another laptop and imposed himself between Sonic and the computer, pulling up the right screen while Shadow restrained Sonic from repressing the evidence.
"At least somebody's interested in the truth," Knuckles remarked while bringing up the program.
"Nah," smirked Shadow, "I had other reasons." When pressed, Shadow refused to speak, but Knuckles noticed with some suspicion that Shadow's hands were on Sonic's biceps. Anyway, that's a little disturbing. Knuckles found the web cam feed and started playing it in Windows Media Player.
Tails, Amy, Tikal, and Rouge were all indeed at Rouge's house. They were all hanging out in the bedroom, holding cards in front of them. Amy was adjusting her shirt and jeans.
"Anybody up for another round, ladies?" Tails asked innocently, stacking the cards.
"I insist on a rematch!" demanded Tikal angrily. "I don't know how you're so good at it, but I intend to find out! You're with me, right, girls?"
"Definitely!" Amy grumbled. "I mean, why even bother putting my clothes back on if I'm gonna keep…"
"I'll play too," sighed Rouge, who was pulling the hem of her shirt over her stomach, "but on one condition. One of the girls gets to deal the cards this time!"
"OK, sure," Tails agreed, deadpan. "But if anybody catches the dealer cheating, they have to remove something no matter what, and the turn ends and the dealer changes. OK?"
"That's the rule we had from the start!" Amy declared. "But we could never catch you at it!"
"Maybe that means I wasn't cheating," grinned Tails slyly. "So who's gonna deal?"
"I guess I'll deal," Rouge said, taking the cards from Tails. "I have the most to lose, since I've lost the least except for Tails, so I'd better stay on the safe side."
"But no cheating!" reminded Tikal. Rouge gave her a no-really look as she passed out the cards. From where the camera was, Sonic, Knuckles and Shadow could see Tails' cards. He opened them up to reveal a two of spades, a three of clubs, a six of hearts, a ten of diamonds and an ace of diamonds.
"Isn't it obvious what they're playing at this point?" Knuckles argued. "It's obviously strip poker!"
"I don't see any clothes coming off!" Sonic complained, squirming free of Shadow's grip.
"How many do you each want to draw?" Rouge asked.
"I'll have one," Amy smirked, and Tikal requested four. Rouge dispensed these and turned expectantly to Tails.
"I'll have three," Tails said, looking worried. Rouge gave him the cards and Tails looked at them. The cards were the last three he needed for a royal flush- a jack, queen and king of diamonds. Sonic convulsed with rage at this phenomenal luck, while Shadow just looked glad there was a camera there. So far only Sonic was still refusing to believe that strip poker was taking place.
"I guess I fold this round," Tikal sighed, casting her cards down unhappily. "One of you girls will have to stick up for me, okay?"
"Yeah, I think I've got a pretty good hand," Amy said, leaning over to look at Rouge's cards.
"Ah ah ah!" scolded Tails. "That's cheating! If you want to team up, you have to have only one set of cards!"
"Oh, fine," grumbled Amy, glad that Tails had not counted it as cheating but instead warned her. "Maybe next turn if we have bad luck, Rouge?"
"Okay," Rouge said, focusing hard on the cards. "Um… I'll bet a jacket." (AN: Let's all assume that they're all wearing the same number of articles of clothing, even if the individual articles are different.)
"I'll see your jacket and raise you a belt and shoes," Tails chuckled.
"I fold," Amy gave up, dropping her cards and throwing her jacket into the pile. (Note: In real poker, if you put in money and then fold, you have to leave it in the betting pool. That's why she left what she had agreed to bet so far.)
"I'll see that and raise you… pants!" Rouge challenged daringly. Knuckles danced with joy at his good luck, apparently forgetting that Sonic, Shadow and Tails would be witnessing all this.
"Done!" Tails laughed. "Winner gets all the clothes!" With that, he placed down his royal flush. Rouge put down the three other kings, much to Tails' delight.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed very melodramatically, despite the fact that the same thing had happened several times already. "Why are you so good at this?"
"Good motivation," grinned Tails, catching the batgirl's pants, belt, jacket and shoes. Rouge sat and crossed her bare legs, fuming while she dished out the rest of the cards. Amy watched ruefully as Tails collected her jacket.
"I think I've got a better chance this time," Tikal mentioned as they collected their cards. "I'm going for it!"
"I fold," Amy sighed, giving up. "Win this one for me, girls…" She shivered without her jacket.
"I'm gonna team up with Tikal!" Rouge declared, making sure her lower half was obscured below the table.
"OK, but you have to have the same articles of clothing and, if you bet, you're betting the same things on both of you," Tails said calmly.
They grumbled about that for a while, but it was fair, so Tikal and Rouge traded around clothes until they had the same.
"I bet a shirt and a bra, or in my case an undershirt," Tails wagered, his cards hidden from the view of the three watchers.
"We bet…" The two girls conferred. "OK, why don't we stick with that."
"Unconfident, are we?" chuckled Tails.
"OK, fine, everything!" declared Rouge. Shadow passed out from ecstasy and delight, while Tikal and Amy gasped. Rouge looked nervous but determined, and Tails just looked amused.
"OK, I guess there's nothing else I can raise," Tails grinned. "Ready? Reveal the cards!'
They each had three kings.
"You're cheating!" screeched Tikal, pointing a finger at Tails. "How could there be more than 4 kings in a deck?"
"You dealt the cards!" accused Tails. "It must have been you!"
"Guys, stop arguing!" Rouge protested. "The only way we can settle this is by having both groups pay the same price."
"So should we both take it all off or keep it all on?" Tails asked, still looking a bit amused.
"Take it off!" Rouge and Tikal chorused, a bit reluctantly. "That way you can finally lose, and by a lot!"
"OK," shrugged Tails. "I guess I'll go first, then…" Knuckles, an acute homophobe, shuddered and averted his eyes. But Sonic kept watching- not out of lust for the fox boy, but out of curiosity to see how Tails reacted once he had finally been caught.
Tails stripped himself of all his clothes and… nothing. He looked exactly the same as he did in all the Sonic games.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" screamed Rouge, red with wrath.
Tails was convulsing with laughter. "You forget that in every Sonic game, I wear no clothes to start with! Did you think that just because we were playing strip poker, or because we were in a fanfic with sexual overtones, I would suddenly develop genitalia? You idiots!" Tails rollicked on the floor, literally blue in the face with his laughter. "EXTERNAL GENITALIA IS NOT CANON!" he screamed at the legions of Sonic smut writers out there. "At least not for men! But whereas none of the Sonic men ever wear clothing, the girls all wear clothing… AND FOR A VERY GOOD REASON! Ah, hahahahahahahahaha… you fools! You fell right into my trap!"
"How? You didn't really gain anything, it's just disappointing for us," Tikal said, confused.
"Don't you realize that you never would have bet all your clothes if I hadn't kept winning to get your expectations up?" grinned Tails evilly, rolling around with bliss. "You were so desperate that you were willing to stake anything! And now," he choked on his own mirthful tears, "now that I've done my part of the bargain… YOU HAVE TO DO YOURS!"
"Nooooooooooo!" screamed Rouge, pulling the hem of her shirt over her bare legs. "I won't do it, Tails! You can't make me!"
"No, I technically can't," Tails roared with laughter. "But why would anybody ever trust you again if you bet something and then take it back just because it's not going the way you had planned? You're trapped! There's no escape this time!"
"Dodged a bullet there," muttered Amy, wiping her brow. Shadow, who had woken up from his fit of ecstasy, also wiped his brow, glad to see that his girlfriend would not be stripping for Tails.
"This is outrageous!" Tikal defended. "Nobody would ever trust you again either if the only way you could win was by trickery!"
"But you will trust me again!" Tails grinned. "You were willing to play against me time after time, to see what my strategy was, and you lost every time! And now you can see what my secret weapon was- it was confidence, and not being afraid to bet big, because I had nothing to lose! And you'll try to play against me again, under different setups, but each time… each time, despite your efforts, you'll LOSE!" The ground shook as Tails cackled. "I don't feel proud of myself… but I'm not exactly ashamed either! My plot was PERFECT in every way! Now pay up!"
Burning with resentment and dislike, Tikal and Rouge stripped to everything but their underwear and stood around waiting for the other to go first. Amy sidled out thankfully, while Knuckles and Sonic shook with a mixture of rage and delight.
"Come on, get it over with!" Tails said impatiently. "Do you have to flip a coin?"
"Yes!" Tikal shouted, glaring expectantly at Rouge.
"So be it," shrugged Tails. "Heads or Tails, ladies?" He smirked at his pun.
"I'll take heads," Tikal said, glaring at Rouge. The batgirl sighed and agreed to tails.
"All right, then," Tails cackled. The coin spiraled up into the air and landed… tails up.
"You first, Rouge!" Tikal grinned as Rouge covered her face with embarrassment.
"You still have to go second, Tikal," Tails reminded her. "Come on, Rouge, fair is fair."
Sighing, Rouge reached behind her back and undid the clasp of her bra. But as it dropped, the four men watching the scene turned fluorescent scarlet with rage, surprise, shock or more rage.
"What is the meaning of this?" snarled Sonic, Knuckles, Tails and Shadow as large censors obscured anything of interest on Rouge's body. She blushed and covered herself up, even though there wasn't much need.
"You've been tricked!" howled Eggman, descending into Rouge's room in his latest maniacal invention…
THE EGG CENSOR!
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Oh noes! Will Eggman's new device be thwarted? Will Rouge ever escape with her dignity intact? And will the issue of Tails being a skirt-chaser ever be resolved? Stay tuned to find out! I know this chapter wasn't super-funny but I think it was good anyway.