Sonic Insanity
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"Time for a plot device!" screamed Sonic, seeing Rouge's bountiful physique being only covered by Eggman's odd censoring machine. "Shadow, where's that Chaos Emerald?"
"I have something even better," Shadow replied, rummaging around and finding a mechanical device. "I got this at a store. We can use this to pull ourselves into any TV and emerge at the place the camera was filming! Of course, it'll be only used this once as a plot device, because there are too many possibilities for comedy to really pick one."
"You got it at a store?" Knuckles repeated, gazing at the weird-looking contraption. It looked like a large piece of tubing with many dials and valves. "What kind of store would give you one of these for free?"
"I didn't get it for free," Shadow answered, puzzled. "What made you think I did?"
"Well, assuming as you owned one, I knew it couldn't have cost much," sneered Knuckles.
"Guys, stop fighting!" cried Sonic as Shadow's veins began to bulge ominously with fury. "For the sake of, er, something involving the continuation of the plot, or something." He attached one end of the tube to the TV screen and jumped into the other end. Suddenly Sonic was gone and they could see him in the TV. Shrugging at the absurdity, Shadow and Knuckles jumped in as well.
"WHAT?" cried Tails angrily as his three friends fell to the ground beside him. "What's going on here? Uh, guys, I can explain…" Rouge, still censored, tried to put on her shirt, but the censors applied a painful shock.
"It's my best invention yet!" sang Eggman, strolling in without any other machines. "The outside is a black square that cannot be penetrated in order to see what's underneath… but the inside is a camera that gives me quality feedback!" Hearing this, Rouge wept.
"NEVER!" shrieked Tikal, then stopped talking for fear of growing a personality.
"Yeah, there's no way you'll succeed, Eggman! You always lose when you stop being funny in this story!" Shadow cried courageously, while Tails tried to explain the situation to an enraged echidna.
"Ha! But what you don't realize," Eggman chuckled corpulently, "is that this time, I don't need to fight you to defeat you! That's obviously not going to work! So I decided to think outside the box for methods that did not involve," and here he sneered, "brute force."
"So what's the new plan?" Sonic countered curtly, hoping to discover Eggman's plan through MVS, or Monologue-ing Villain Syndrome.
"You see, I don't need to have a big battle with you to achieve my goals," Eggman claimed confrontationally. "Now that I've planted those censors on your voluptuous lady friend, all I need to do is walk away until she gives you so much grief about losing her dignity that you start trying to take them off! But since that won't work, your only choice is to come to me for help…"
"And what would we have to do in exchange for your help?" Tails crowed concernedly.
"Nothing much… other than submission to SLAVERY TIL DEATH!" Eggman cackled caustically, and here the girls all sobbed dramatically. Well, so did Knuckles. In an additional note, this is the sixth time in a row that I've used the "c-ed c-ly" formula for character dialogue. You know, 'cackled caustically,' 'countered curtly.' Check it out.
"I won't do it!" shrieked Knuckles, dementia and love overwhelming logic and reason. He slung Eggman to the ground and began to choke the life out of him. "You hear me? You'll die before I let you make a whore out of my girlfriend!"
"Sega did that already," Sonic interrupted. Rouge slapped him.
"I did that already," Tails interjected helpfully. She slapped him too.
"Killing me won't solve your problems!" blubbered Eggman. "You're absolutely trapped! The only way out is to abandon Rouge's dignity and leave her to expose her flesh to millions across the globe!"
Sonic, Tails, Shadow and Tikal all looked at each other.
"We must all make sacrifices," Tails said somberly while dragging Knuckles away from his girlfriend.
"WHAT?" seethed Knuckles, foaming at the lips. He was stark raving mad with lust for his batty girlfriend. "I see I'll have to face you too! But I'm not worried… love prevails over all, in the end! My girlfriend's honor cannot be violated by Benedict Arnold friends or crude sex scams! Our love shall endure, make no mistake!"
"It's not easy for any of us, Knuckles," Shadow said, while wondering how long it would take Eggman to put the pictures on the Internet for his viewing pleasure.
"We all cared a lot about Rouge, too," Sonic tried to say, while wondering whether or not he could hijack the web cam Knuckles had been filming this whole sorry scene with.
"WAIT A MINUTE!" cried Tikal joyfully. All eyes turned to her. "I've come up with a great plan!"
"Um… look over there!" yelled Eggman while shooting her in the face. It didn't work since she was already dead, and he sat down with moody rage to hear her plan.
"Hold on… all those censors can take pictures of are what they're covering, right?" Tikal asked.
"Yes," Eggman said suspiciously. "But they'll still see Rouge's-"
"I know, but there will be nothing to identify her by!" Tikal exclaimed. "What I mean is, her face won't be visible! And therefore, you'll have to Photoshop her head onto her body, making everybody who sees the pictures immediately assume it's a fake! Even if Rouge has to reveal herself, nobody will recognize it's her because the pictures will either be anonymous or discarded as worthless!"
"Not quite!" smirked Eggman. "My plan still works, because you forget that I can look at the pictures and give them to whoever I want! Whether or not they know it's her, it'll still be humiliating because I can tell anybody I want who the pictures are of!"
Hearing this, Knuckles went mad. He ran at Rouge and tore at the censors, hoping against all odds to get them off so that his girlfriend would suffer only temporary exposure. Imagine his surprise when the censors turned out to not even have cameras on them, but to be pieces of black construction paper.
"CURSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEESSSSSS! My bluff has been ruined!" screeched Eggman at bloodcurdling volumes. "Technology moves on, and then I'll have my revenge!" He disappeared in a cloud of smoke and debris, which was probably caused by the fact that he had trampled through a wall in order to escape.
While Knuckles tried to "help" Rouge get her clothes back on, Tikal and Amy said their goodbyes and departed, and Sonic, Shadow and Tails conferred in low tones.
"You know, Knuckles is kind of mad about this whole thing," Tails muttered.
Sonic exploded. "KNUCKLES is kind of mad? You somehow managed to get our girlfriends to strip repeatedly for you of their own free will! We're all mad! You have some explaining to do! My only real friend in the house, a dirty cheater! At strip poker, too!"
"I forced them into nothing!" spat Tails. "They were all perfectly happy with me… more so than they ever were with you! I've been dating them under your collective noses for a long time, and the thing is, they all initiated it! They came over during Halloween when you guys were away and started seducing me! Face it, Sonic, you've failed to provide for your girl, and now you've faced the consequences!"
"You have a girlfriend too!" snarled Shadow. "What about Cream, eh? You feel no loyalty to her, do you?"
"Cream is a little girl!" Tails objected. "Not the kind of woman that I need! As Wolfmother would say, 'she's a-'"
Shadow shuddered involuntarily at the mention of the horrible 'band.' "Enough! We'll have to come to a truce! We won't tell Cream about your little adventures, if you never do anything like this again and you stay away from our ladies!"
Tails agreed, and they went back home. All was forgiven, except for a brief moment where Tails accidentally left the password to the web cam video unprotected. But all was soon well, and it was a fairly less murderous group that was sitting around the TV one cold February evening.
"And with that, John Edwards drops out of the presidential race for being an inefficient bungler," grinned the guy hosting the show, which was basically the television equivalent of NPR. "And now for the religious debate that has raged for the last few weeks: should the theory of gravity be taught to our schoolchildren? The right wing thinks not!"
The camera cut to a bald, middle-aged white man in a suit, who was sweating copiously and dabbing himself with a handkerchief. He sat at a conference table with two other nearly identical men. The left wing group was comprised of several various younger people who looked a little bit different from each other.
"There's a lot of so-called scientific evidence to support the controversial 'gravity theory,' but I don't buy it," announced one of the middle-aged man. "So this Isaac Newton guy just discovered gravity by an apple falling on his head? That's not science. That's lunacy."
"But Mr. Udders," objected a hippy-looking man on the Democratic side, "Newton didn't just invent gravity. He came up with laws and facts that have never been contradicted, and there is nothing to suggest that he was wrong."
The right-wing men smiled condescendingly, as if the left's logical fallacies should have been obvious to anybody. "Well," Mr. Udders said grandly, "you may think that this gravity business is all true. At least that's what the liberally biased, child-murdering, pro-truth, anti-belief scientists would tell you. But while these heretics are filling our children's minds with blasphemous proven facts instead of unsupported conjecture and folklore, they're also trying to keep the American public ignorant! With their seditious, substantiated data, they're supporting the terrorists!"
"Being against the idiotic elected officials of the current administration is not the same as wanting to murder innocents!" one of the left-wingmen screamed.
"Indecisive flip-flopping!" bellowed a right-winger in response, waving a corpulent finger. "The Bible never directly mentions gravity, and as we all know, the Bible is always right about everything. Since gravity is not part of God's world, it did not exist in Biblical times, and so it does not exist now! Unless these left-wing lunatics are trying to suggest that gravity evolved from something else, the same as their other ridiculous evolutionary suggestions?"
"Gravity did not evolve!" snapped a left-wing woman. "It simply wasn't understood in Biblical times, so they couldn't have written about it! Isaac Newton brought gravity to the public eye well after the Bible was written!"
"And who was Isaac Newton! A scientist!" howled the right wingman. "And we all know how they can't be trusted! Their research into new medical technology, ecology, the environment, human physiology, biology and DNA will destroy America!"
The debate went downhill from there. Tails was slack-jawed with disbelief at this stupidity. Shadow and Sonic, falling back on their usual emotional reaction to idiocy, were cursing, shrieking and roaring foul death threats at the TV screen. Knuckles was not smart enough to understand what was going on, so he
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Sonic Inanity
Please review, guys!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"Hey guys! Like, wanna have a sleepover!" Sonic said.
"Totally! We can, like, have lots of hilarious things happen, like, even though sleepovers aren't, like, inherently funny!" Amy said, who was Sonic's girlfriend against all odds and canon.
"Right!" said Tails. So they called all their friends and they could all come! Except for the boring ones. They were playing cards or something. So a host of identical and useless characters all came over to party the night away!
"OMG where will we put our stuffs?" Charmy said cause like there wasn't enough room to put all their stuff! Everybody started acting all like depressed n crap cause they thought they would all have to go home n crap.
"I know!" shouted a girl who walked in. She was wearing a pink T-shirt that was cut to show her ribs, a navel ring, denim shorts, pink high heel shoes, and a bracelet with a Chaos Emerald in it. She was very beautiful and wore makeup. Her name was Mari Su and she was very beautiful, smart and perfect in every way! Did I mention she's my original character and I so didn't steal her from anywhere?
"Who are you?" Vector said in a deep voice cause he thought she was sexxi.
"My name is Mari Su the Hedgehog" she said back and she was so hot that nobody asked why she just walked in. "And I can help you fit all your stuff in this house! With this Chaos Emerald I can shrink all the stuff and make it fit!"
"Show us how," said Espio in his cool ninja voice. (AN: 4 all u flammers out their see I do know wat canon iz!!! OK??? I made Espio liek he is in teh viedo game!)
"All right," she said all flirty like cause you know she likes Espio! Vector growled angry cause he liked Mari Su and she was flirting with Espio! Oh noes! So anyway she showed how she would shrink the stuff to make it fit in the house and they were all happy!
"You know since you helped us you can stay over for the sleepover!" Tails said. She agreed and they all started playing truth or dare!
"Truth or dare?" asked Amy to Espio. They were sitting boy-girl-boy-girl in a circle. It was Sonic, Amy, Espio, Mari-Su, Vector, Cream, Tails, Rouge, Knuckles, and Tikal sitting together.
"I choose dare" Espio said smiling at Mari-Su. She smiled back and Vector growled again. (AN: Dont u guyz tink Im liek so good at romance???)
"I dare you to spin a bottle and whoever it ends up on you have to kiss!" Amy said triumphantly. Espio shrugged all ninja like and spun a bottle. It ended up on Mari-Su.
"OMG its like it was meant to be!" shouted Amy excitedly. Vector growled again and Espio and Mari-Su leaned in for the
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"What's going on here?" snarled Sonic, leaping up from his chair and addressing the people that had somehow found their way into his house. "Rouge, Tikal, Amy, I thought you went home! Team Chaotix, I didn't invite you here! Argue about your girl somewhere else!"
"I don't know what's going on here, either!" cried Espio, showing up for what may be the first time in this story. Someone check that. "We just found ourselves here to!'
"Go on, get out!" Shadow shouted, driving the unhappy masses out with a broom. "That was just vapid as anything! No wonder it's called INANITY and not INSANITY…"
"I mean, how much more contrived does a romance get?" Knuckles demanded, ushering Tikal out. "And the girl, Mari Su, oh my god! She was so clichéd and generic! Nothing original about her at all!"
"Who was responsible for this invasion?" growled Sonic, looking around. The girls and Team Chaotix all shook their heads. All eyes fell on Mari-Su.
"Um, er…" she stammered, her beautiful, perfect voice shaking. "I can explain… this wasn't just the author's ego trip-slash-pathetic lack of social ability…"
"Look here, OC-inserters of today," Sonic stated, standing up. "If you can't deal with the characters you've been given, you shouldn't be working with the constraints of fanfiction. If you're just fusing a few original ideas to a fanfiction template, you need to flesh out your ideas or become more original. In any case, including yourself in a fanfiction for a large amount of the story just shows that you don't socially belong anywhere except with characters that would only befriend you in your own imagination. Come on, get a life already! Stop living in your fantasy world and make fanfiction your pastime, not a vicarious experience!" Sonic glared at Mecha Scorpion, who was hanging out on the couch. "Thanks for giving me your little rant, sir!"
"It had to be said," Mecha shrugged as he tossed a long wooden stake from one hand to the other.
"Isn't including yourself in this story hypocritical?" Tails asked.
"Not when it's for the purpose of expressing a point that the characters don't directly deal with," said Mecha as he sat down next to Mari Su and flashed her a winning smile. She melted into his arms.
"But why not just have one of us stumble across a fanfiction site?" Shadow asked. "It's not too much work for us, you don't have to come in yourself…"
"I can't delegate all my work to you," Mecha shrugged as he found himself in the embrace of Mari-Su. "Sometimes you've got to handle things yourself. Besides, you wouldn't want to be forced into such an awkward voicing of my personal views, and I have to cut you a break somewhere."
"But then why even do it at all?" Knuckles inquired. "Let the audience figure something out themselves!"
"No, it's my duty," Mecha said coldly as he reached for something. The young author drove the stake through Mari Su's heart, spraying huge spurts of blood all over every surface. The walls and ceiling were painted red, and he thrust her out of his arms as she died.
"It's a messy job," he said, "but somebody's got to do it." And, looking directly at the camera in a very cheesy way, he got up and walked out, leaving the astounded Sonic crew to handle yet another sticky situation.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Heh, personal ravings are fun. Please review!