Sonic Insanity

Come on, reviewing isn't too hard. If you're uninspired, why don't you respond to this: Your mother is not only a filthy, dirty woman who would do literally anything for 25 cents, she sweats cooking oil. Why don't you review in order to defend yourselves and your collective mothers' reputations.

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"You wanna take this outside?" screeched Knuckles, waving his arms furiously.

"You idiot! We are outside!" Shadow pointed out. It was true. They were standing on the 4th of July picnic campground. Sonic, Tails, and their girlfriends watched uneasily, hoping that the argument would cease. Eggman, who was very poorly disguised as the cook, whistled nonchalantly and flipped a burger. He was wearing an apron that said I LOVE FOOD. Somebody had written below that AND IT SHOWS, signed LOVE, MOM.

"But I don't want to go outside!" whined Knuckles. "It's cold out!"

"It's the middle of summer!" shrieked Shadow, lunging in and tearing out Knuckles' top three vertebrae in a mist of viscera and gore. Knuckles screamed and screamed until his blood shot into his own throat and started to choke him, and Shadow laughed while clubbing Knuckles over the head with his own vertebrae, and everybody laughed along with…

And suddenly, Knuckles woke up from this recurring nightmare.

"Phew! Maybe I shouldn't have eaten that rubber tire right before bed… or at all, for that matter…" Sweat soaked the sheets. It was mostly his, thankfully, unlike that one time with the pinching hammock weasels. But that is another story. Knuckles glanced at the clock. It read 2:16 AM.

"Ugh… 2 in the morning… I gotta get some sleep or my big day tomorrow will be ruined!" Knuckles mumbled, his eyes bleary. "My big day in court, that is… sigh, what a mess." He did not say more for fear of the author cursing him with eleven toes or something.

You see, after Mecha Scorpion had murdered Mari-Su in the most overwhelmingly cheesy way imaginable, he had called the police, reported a murder on the premises, and disappeared merrily. They had tried to hide the body, but they were too busy arguing to actually do it (Sonic proposed running the corpse through a wood chipper, Shadow thought burying the remains would be best, Knuckles suggested putting the body on the roof, and Tails was too resigned and disgusted to care), so the police had arrested them all. Now they were on house arrest, waiting for their trial the next day.

Knuckles considered returning to Angel Island. After such a nightmarish year and some months, perhaps it would be better to turn towards simple Emerald-guarding. It's not like he was any good at it (it got stolen because he closed his eyes for all of ten seconds, perhaps don't put a big hole in the roof above it?) but at least it wouldn't involve being framed for murder by a vile and awful creator who…

"I mean, kind and benevolent creator who puts me through this for comedic purposes!" bleated Knuckles fearfully, gulping with terror as an automatic machine gun began to emerge from the wall in front of him. It retracted, and Knuckles wondered how it had gotten there. He walked to the wall where it had been and searched for a panel or section where it might be hidden, but the wall was now seamless again.

"Outrageous," growled Knuckles, stomping back into his bed. "The nerve of that author-" Suddenly a Civil War-era cannon appeared next to his bed, pointing right at him and about to fire. "-itarian regime in Germany during WWII," he recovered hastily, and the cannon turned back into his bedside table. Knuckles did not sleep well that night.

In the morning, Sonic, Tails and Knuckles were all woken up by an earsplitting noise that sounded like Niagara Falls being hit by a nuclear warhead. The sound waves caused the wallpaper to peel from the walls, and Sonic was thrown out of his bed into the hall. Tails sailed over him, trying to regain control of his tails so he could fly to a safe landing.

"What's going on?" he yelled as Knuckles bounced down the stairs. "Knuckles, what is happening down there?!?"

Knuckles tried to speak, but his jaw had dropped. Sonic's fears were not assuaged when the echidna yelped and dodged a laser blast that surely would have vaporized him. He and Tails bounded down the stairs, leaping another laser, and took a look at what was going on.

Shadow was shooting lasers from all over his body, staring at a soon-to-be-obliterated computer screen. Sonic took a look at the Firefox browser that was open, his heart thudding with terror. It was The story in question was called SHADOW'S TRUE PAST, written by one kawaiikristian42.

Seeing this, Knuckles unwisely snickered. Shadow looked at the echidna, and Knuckles was suddenly on fire. Working together, Sonic, Tails and the burning echidna managed to subdue Shadow and keep his hands away from the Chaos Emeralds. The black hedgehog was completely insane with rage. Foam flecked his lips and he was totally out of control.

"THAT- THAAAAAAAAT- WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" he howled at unprecedented volumes. Tails nervously looked at the ninth chapter of Shadow's True Past, entitled Shadow Asks Maria On A Date. The fox boy cleared his throat and began to read aloud:

Shadow was asking Maria's dad, Gerald Robotnik, if he could go out with Maria. They were sitting on couches in Robotnik's living room.

"Well, you seem like a nice kid- after all, I made you," chortled Robotnik. "And my daughter is quite fond of you, so I'm going to let you go out with her, as long as your intentions are purely honorable."


He cast a careless hand toward one of the walls, and Shadow was horrified to see the severed heads of many other young men mounted on the wall. The boys seemed to get older from left to right, as Maria grew older… Shadow then saw the pistol held a little too casually in Robotnik's hand.

"Don't worry, I'll, um… I'll be good, sir," he muttered, not daring to even touch Maria now. Luckily the old scientist died a few years later. After Maria finished mourning, they quickly got down to their first hand holding, their first kiss, and their first time in one night. They were just about to get down to some serious business when young Eggman showed up. Seeing Shadow with Maria, he immediately vowed that all hedgehogs must be purged from the earth as a result of Shadow's activities. And so Shadow was forced to go into hiding, allowing Eggman to hunt Sonic for…

"This isn't that bad," Tails confessed. "It just said that Gerald Robotnik was an insane murderer and that you went out with Maria and that you let all your crimes get pinned on Sonic."

"Scroll down!" shrieked Shadow insanely. Tails nervously looked further towards the bottom of the screen.

"Giddy up, donkey!" cried Instructor Jeremy jubilantly, his fat swaying in time to the marimba beat coming from the stereo. In front of him, Shadow bounded forward on hands and knees as fast as he could, moving right toward the obese marimba-loving Instructor type.


"OOOOOOOF, that was a good one!" Instructor Jeremy gasped as Shadow crashed into his enormous belly. "Wow! I really felt that one! You're a good little fatty! Have a treat, you disgusting slob!" Instructor Jeremy reached into a barrel of whole cooked chickens and threw one at Shadow, who looked doubtfully at this "treat."

"You know, it's sort of hypocritical to call me fat," said Shadow as Instructor Jeremy shifted his 550-pound bulk to a more comfortable position.

"Nonsense! I'm as slim as a yo-yarn-tongue!" cackled the Instructor, spraying food everywhere. "You, though… man, better lose some of that excess glucose, man! You can tell me how it feels! Confide in me!" Instructor Jeremy leaned forward conspiratorially with a large sloshing sound. "Come on, fatty, clue me in! What's it like to be FAT?" Instructor Jeremy cackled again with great heaves of his lard-like stomach. "Yuk, yuk, yuk!"

Shadow did his best not to gag with revulsion, shoving the chicken down his throat instead. He spat out a heap of clean bones to the side, wiping his mouth on the wall.

"Good trick, plump boy!" approved Instructor Jeremy. "Man, you look like a pregnant woman in side profile… when you're facing me! Yuk, yuk, yuk! Now give me another one right here!" He patted his enormous stomach fondly… a little too fondly. "Come on, you know you want to!"

Shadow dry-heaved, already preparing for the onerous task of running as fast as he could into Instructor Jeremy's greasy tummy. He pounced, the enormous apocalyptic wall of blubber looming nearer and nearer with every…

Tails could no longer read the screen because Shadow had opened up the back of the monitor and vomited inside. SYSTEM ERROR flashed across the screen, followed by a smaller message: If difficulties continue, call Tech Support. If they can't help you, admit that you've been pwned, noob. LOL (Lots of 1337) from Bill Gates.

"That's disgusting," said Tails distastefully. On the floor, Sonic was writhing in mixed revulsion and hysteria.

"Disgusting?" shrieked Shadow, punting the computer out the window and wincing at the mess. "It's vile! It's disastrous! It's perverted and foul and demeaning and ridiculous and OK I'm done."

"Good," Sonic said, relieved. They all walked into the kitchen, Sonic immaturely flipping off the security cameras that had been installed due to their house arrest, and began to eat.

"Seriously though," Shadow argued around a mouthful of egg that he had somehow served himself almost immediately upon entering the kitchen, "that kind of thing is just juvenile and unfair to me! I have no legal forum to defend myself in!"

"You could take the case to court, but that would imply that you thought the story was inaccurate," snickered Knuckles. Once Sonic and Tails had restrained Shadow from squeezing Knuckles' head until his brain slid through his neck and was impaled on his spinal column, breakfast continued.

"I know what it's like," Sonic said almost sympathetically. "It's bad enough listening to that 80s techno in the video games, but do you know what my musical tastes are in fanfiction? They're dreadful!"

"Once I had one where I sang the lyrics to Godsmack's I Stand Alone at a high school talent show!" Shadow squalled unhappily.

"I had one where I sang along with Avenged Sevenfold's most annoying song ever!" Sonic pointed out.

"Seize the Day?" Knuckles asked.

"No, it wasn't a single," Sonic muttered.

AN: Only people who have heard the song will get this joke. If you haven't heard it, type in Strength of the World in YouTube. Choose the Final Fantasy music video version by VoodooDaddy, it's the best one. It's titled Advent Children- A7X- Strength of the World. If you don't want to listen to the whole song, go to around 2:45 to 3:10 and listen to that part specifically. This is a good-natured parody, as I like Avenged Sevenfold.

The flashback began in the fanfiction Sonic was reading. Sonic's band, which consisted of Sonic on lead vocals and rhythm guitar, Shadow on lead guitar, Tails on bass and Knuckles on drums, was limbering up to play their first song.

"Give it up for the Tortellini Brothers and their cover of Avenged Sevenfold's glorious song, Strength of the World!" the MC said nervously. A spotlight came onto Sonic and the song began. Sonic began to slowly strum out an acoustic intro to the song, accompanied by occasionally chords from Shadow's guitar.

Suddenly, it plunged into chaos as Shadow and Tails began to shred out a simplistic but heavy riff. Knuckles slammed at the skins while Sonic began to sing in an obnoxiously high-pitched voice.

"My stoorrrrrryyy staaaaaaarts the daaaaayeeeee they said she can't be fooooouuund," he slurred/shrilled in a devastatingly irritating way. As the song went on, Sonic expanded on this "amazing" narrative: lost love, death, murder and revenge. He did it all in a horrendous way, sometimes deepening his voice in a hilarious, faux-tough fashion.

Then the chorus went in, and things really went out of hand. Sonic began to sing in a dreadful way that would surely incite rage and disgust in Headwater Daddy were he here to witness it. The crowd gang-shouted part of the chorus, and Sonic carried on the rest in a hideously annoying fashion.

"STRENGTH OF THE WORLD!" bellowed the audience.

"Is ooooonnnn my shooooooooouuuuuuuuldeeeeeeaaaayeeeeeeers," shrieked Sonic, almost dislocating his jaw with the force of twisting the words. He seemed to be trying to cram as many vowels into the word "shoulders" as he could.

"STRENGTH OF THE WORLD!"

"Is oooooooonnnn my siiiiiiiiiiiiiiyiyiyiyeeeeeeeedddddeeeeeeee," wailed Sonic, and Tails began to play a little bit louder on his bass in hopes of drowning Sonic out.

"STRENGTH OF THE WORLD!"

"The one true behoowoooowoooooowooldeeeeaaaaaayeeeeeaaaaarrr," grated Sonic over the now ridiculously loud bass, trying to say "beholder" with as many syllables as possible. Knuckles played a mini-drum-solo and it was ignored in the wake of Sonic's dismal singing. Sadly it was not much different than the actual song.

"ICE IN MY VEINS!" the audience cried.

"For those who've diiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeddddddddddd," Sonic whined with a bit more restraint, and Tails stopped randomly strumming his bass in a last-ditch attempt to make Sonic shut up.

After the concert, Sonic was massaging his voice box, which he had driven past normal endurance to produce such horrific noises. Tails was glaring at him, while Knuckles was merely envious that Sonic could do that without having to use a blowtorch on a cat.

"Hey, boys," said a man in a business suit. "I work for Roadrunner Records. You boys might just have yourselves a six-figure recording deal for three albums."

End flashback…

"I do not sing like that!" screamed Sonic apoplectically, his veins audibly and visibly beating.

"Come on, show us!" invited Tails, and immediately everybody began to pressure Sonic to replicate his ghastly fictional singing. Finally Sonic caved in, cleared his throat and tried to sing.

"Strength of the world!" yelled Shadow, Knuckles and Tails in unison, enthusiastically.

"Um, is on my shoooOOOOOOOuuuuldEEEEERs," tried Sonic, his voice cracking five separate times in succession, and scowled as three chairs collapsed and their occupants almost died laughing.

Suddenly their intercom buzzed from the security detail outside. "The trial is coming, guys. Time to leave."

Still shaking with mirth and/or rage, the posse hustled outside and went to the courthouse.

"Don't we get a lawyer?" asked Sonic as they were ushered into the defense box.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" chuckled a very suspicious voice from the judge's box. Tails' heart almost stopped. He knew that voice. Actually, he didn't, but it was pretty scary anyway. His eyes swept past the jury box (which looked mostly normal), past the prosecution box (which held Mari-Su's family; two boring-looking parents who would have died tragically/let her inherit a huge fortune had she still been alive) and to the judge's seat.

Sitting in it was the long-mentioned Headwater Daddy. He had abnormally short brown hair, glasses, and a fiendish smirk that suggested pure mischief going on. His lanky long legs were stretched out, and he was performing a drum solo using the gavel. He rolled his blue eyes in some kind of attempt to wiggle his eyebrows, gave up, and began to speak.

"Well, now, me flagging stork communists," he bragged, "isn't this just the finest state of the union affairs to be in? To think that a little old humbug like me could be judgifying your lovely trial with a bobcat attempt motor? But don't worry," he grinned as a mustache grew on his face long enough to twitch menacingly, and then disappeared again. It was in this moment that the intrepid foursome realized how random and insane of a person they were dealing with, and all tried to not even move for fear of triggering more psychoses.

"I have one small iota of Swedish Kaiser advice for you, me swastika goblins," recommended Headwater Daddy, drinking from a small glass of water that served as the head of his gavel. He tried to bang the gavel and drink at the same time and ended up swallowing the gavel by mistake. "What you should do is, give up now while I'm in a good mood and won't whine periodic deathless words, knaaaaamean? I mean, that pirate ahoy gargling was pretty abnaciousized, but she don't look like it! Your mother, I mean," Headwater Daddy confided. "She don't look like a trumpet belt assassin fryer!"

"What did you say?" Knuckles asked.

Suddenly a look of pure fear and hatred came over Headwater Daddy's face. The gavel he had swallowed started to play Knuckles' mini-drum-solo from the Strength of the World cover, inside his stomach, and when he held his belly with pain he looked much like Instructor Jeremy.

"Where you takin' my baby?" he gasped, eyes narrowing in order to figure out the conspiracy. "WHERE YOU TAKIN' HER, HUH? I WON'T LET YOU TAKE MY BABY! She ain't been prohibited! I won't allow it to happen! My story starts the day they said she can't be found! My baby will never be found! I mean she'll always be found, you hear me? I'll die before I let you take my BABY!" Headwater Daddy shrieked ravenously, pawing at a ceiling light. Shadow was reminded of Sonic when he had his puppy Claudio.

"Who's your baby?" questioned Shadow uncertainly, not seeing any. Headwater Daddy smirked and pointed victoriously toward an aerial photograph of South Dakota. Before anybody could ask what this meant, a dry voice rang out in the courtroom.

"All rise for the honorable prosecuting attorney!" said the prosecuting attorney as he walked down the aisle. Heads turned and mouths opened with awe, usually because the prosecuting attorney forcibly turned/opened them himself to make the reaction seem more awed. The four in the defense box recognized him, and all leaped to their feet with righteous rage. Headwater Daddy, though, was the most unhappy of all.

"You!" he spat vociferously. "You're the one who took my baby away from me!"

"Yeah," said Mecha Scorpion, the prosecuting attorney, "and I'll prohibit you from taking her back til the day I die!" And he winked at the Sonic foursome while taking his seat beside Mari-Su's distraught parents.

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Oh noes! The fabled Headwater Daddy finally makes a major appearance! Mecha Scorpion doing all he can to land his characters in jail, although they will no doubt escape it in minutes! What will happen next? Review!