Sonic Insanity
Note: About the identity of Headwater Daddy: Headwater Daddy is an alias one of my friends came up with to anonymously review my story. He has reviewed under other aliases, such as Astronomy Typeless Butterfly and Millions of Peaches, but I call him Headwater Daddy in my story. I decided to put him in just because I know he'll like it, and also to communicate some of his randomness. He is like that in real life.
Also, some people have requested that I cut back on personal appearances in this story. I will try to do so after this chapter.
Also, I have a cool brain puzzle for everybody:
"This is the first lie I've ever told," said Sonic.
Is the above statement the truth or a lie?
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"Mecha!" gasped Sonic. Finally, here was the author! "Maybe you can get us out of here!"
"No chance, kiddies, I just put on this getup to outwit security," Eggman chortled, slipping out of the costume. Headwater Daddy relaxed and began counting the ceiling tiles while staring at the floor. "You wouldn't really think the author would come to your rescue, did you?"
Knuckles seethed. "Well, there go our chances of a fair trial. As if we had any to start with. But I seem to recall you taking a stint in a court room before, Eggman, and you lost that case against us." Tails nodded, remembering the same event.
Eggman puffed up with indignant outrage. "My legal skills now put my old ones to shame! Over the last few months, I haven't been a stranger to the distinguished law firms and courts of our country. I've acquired quite the knowledge of the legal process!"
"That's more than I can say for you!" accused Headwater Daddy. Everybody looked at him with disgust and he fell asleep.
"What were these so-called 'distinguished law firms,' Eggman?" smirked Shadow. "Sleazy Jim's Attic Fishing Attorneys?"
The portly villain turned red with wrath. "I'll have you know that that is a respectable law firm that deals mostly with domestic fish and game accidents! They provide a valuable service to our nation! You're fine with them doing the jobs you don't want to do, but you're happy to insult them for it, and it's this kind of intolerant-"
"Attic Fishing is not a dirty job, it's just ridiculous!" objected Knuckles.
"Objection sustained!" Headwater Daddy said in his sleep. Everybody looked at him again and he woke up, much to the dismay of all. Sonic saw what looked like fear or uncertainty on Eggman's face. The doctor would do his best to land them all in jail, but Headwater Daddy was so random that there was no predicting who would triumph. He might even discount all legal evidence in favor of the old "heads-or-tails" method of justice.
Eggman was talking to Mari-Su's anonymous boring parents, Tails was snickering about the attic fishing debacle, Sonic was glaring at the fox and scheming about how to obtain that video with Rouge in it, and Knuckles and Shadow were arguing.
"Look, you dolt," Shadow hissed, taking out a piece of paper and writing a word on it, "'octopus' has seven letters! Count em, SEVEN! O, that's one, C, two, T, three, O, four, P, five, U, six, S, SEVEN! O-C-T-O-P-U-S, seven letters!"
"No way! It's got to have eight letters! Why else would it be called an OCTO-pus, then?" Knuckles challenged. "Oct is the Roman word for eight!"
"An octopus has eight LEGS, not eight letters in its name!" shrieked Shadow dementedly. "How foolish can you get?"
"Well, obviously it has eight letters in its name, I was talking about letters you get in the mail," sneered Knuckles, rolling his eyes at Shadow's stupidity. While Shadow went into spasms of murderous rage and Knuckles innocently explained his Mollusk Postage-Roman Name Theory, Tails leaned over to talk to Sonic.
"What do you think Headwater Daddy was talking about when he said we were going to take his baby?" Tails said in an undertone. "That was the only time he made any sense at all…"
"I know," Sonic lied. "That's his weakness. We'll have to somehow take advantage of that."
"How? What can we say about his baby that won't make him mad?" Tails asked. Sonic shrugged.
"Order in the court!" Headwater Daddy cried, using his fists as a gavel. "The Honorable Judge Daddy presiding! Some suspiciously fat doctor for the prosecution! A bunch of drowned hobos for the defense! Do something!" He sat down with a shifty grin and began eating a sandwich.
Eggman waddled out of his chair and began to deliver his speech. "On the night of January 19th at 8:33 PM, at the residence of-"
"I don't care about specific details, get to the point!" Headwater Daddy bellowed, ripping a hunk out of his sandwich by sinking in with his teeth and then shaking his head until the morsel came free.
Eggman looked alarmed for a moment, then quickly regained his composure. "Anyway, so last night, at Sonic's house, Mari-Su was stabbed to death with a blunt instrument. The police were-"
"Objection!" argued Tails. "How do you stab somebody to death with a blunt instrument?"
"Your mom found out last night!" cackled Headwater Daddy, throwing his sandwich in Tails' face and roaring with diabolical laughter. When people started muttering at this unorthodox method of judging, he fell silent and started picking his teeth.
"The modus operandi of the murderer is irrelevant," Eggman fibbed, glaring at the Sonic quartet. "What is more important is the actual murderer. Somebody had a change of heart and called the police to report the murder. These four were all found on the premises."
"What's your point?" asked Sonic, trying to be smart.
"The point is," Eggman sneered as if mortally offended at conversing with a low-down criminal, "that due to no other good suspects being around, Sonic the Hedgehog, Tails the Fox/Kitsune, Knuckles Moriarty Echidna and Shadow the Hedgehog are all guilty of murder!"
Tails opened his mouth. Knuckles shot him a lethal glare, but the fox/kitsune was not concerned with Knuckles' odd middle name.
"How can we all be guilty of murder, Your Honor? Only one blow could have killed her," Tails said, trying to sound as respectful as possible.
Headwater Daddy pondered this for a moment. "She could have been killed four times!"
"That's not possible," Sonic mentioned.
Quick as a flash, Headwater Daddy was out of his seat and standing in the prosecutor's box, shoving Eggman out of the way. "Objection!" he yelled. He ran back to the judge's seat. "Objection sustained." He ran back.
"Thank you, Your Honorable Dolphin-Lotion-Vendor," he simpered, acting like a lawyer for reasons unknown. "Contradicting the judge and proven facts of nature!"
"It is not a proven fact of nature that somebody can be killed more than once!" Shadow complained. "In fact, quite the reverse!"
"I know," said Headwater Daddy, back in the judge's box, "but I don't care so what you think doesn't matter."
"Objection!" objected Tails. "Discarding evidence in favor of personal-"
"Objection, objection!" Headwater Daddy cruelly mimicked, flapping his hands and rolling his eyes to imitate Tails. "Does it look like I care about the laws of science or other such irrelevant factors that might decide the outcome of a murder trial?"
"Of course not, Your Honorific," he smirked, standing back at the judge's spot again. Eggman by now was thunderstruck with uncertainty and rage.
"Thank you, good lawyer," Judge Headwater Daddy complimented while subtly pressing a button that caused Sonic's chair to suddenly fall out from under him. The entire audience laughed at this, but that may have been because Headwater Daddy had found a pistol and was holding the throng at gunpoint.
"ORDER IN THE COURT!" the judge bellowed, shooting the pistol into the crowd and randomly killing people instead of banging the gavel. Why he had bothered to make them laugh if he was only going to kill some of them just for doing so was, like the rest of his actions, unclear. Perhaps he just wanted an excuse to see some violence. "I will not tolerate amusement in my courtroom! That can wait until the death penalty is administered! Lawyer Eggman fella, proceed. Do you have any pieces of evidence you wish to submit?"
"No," Eggman admitted painfully, wishing he had brought a blood sample or the murder weapon.
"Any witnesses you wish to call to the stand?"
"Um… none of those, either," Eggman muttered.
"Any cross-examination?" Headwater Daddy asked.
"None," Eggman said shamefully. The courtroom burst into applause in admiration of Eggman's legal skill, cued by Headwater Daddy reaching for his gun.
"Wait! I do have some witnesses!" Eggman burst out, and everybody began to murmur with disapproval at these unconventional tactics. Headwater Daddy fired his gun several times, and once the corpses were cleared out there was complete silence.
"Who are these witnesses?" asked the judge, obviously bored.
"I call Sonic the Hedgehog to the stand!" Eggman bellowed, pointing dramatically. Mari-Su's mother cleared her throat and moved Eggman's finger so that it pointed at Sonic instead of the wall. Applause filled the courtroom.
"What if I refuse?" Sonic seethed angrily.
"You can't! You must do your duty as a witness to aid the legal process!" Eggman argued. "Judge, what's the rule about that?"
Headwater Daddy was ignoring everybody. He was busy playing a game on his graphing calculator. "Wah-a-wah-a-wah-a-wah-a-wah-a-wah-a-wah-a-wah-a-Pac-Man! Go, go, go, little yellow piece of piece with a slice missing! Wah-a-wah-a-wah-ah- YES! I hit an invincible dot!" Headwater Daddy pumped his fist, much to the amazement of all, and continued doing the sound effects. "Wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee- TIME'S UP! Woo-woo-woo-woo-wah-a-wah-a-wah-ah-" The judge began to lean left and right in a desperate attempt to make Pac-Man go the direction he wanted to. "Wah-a-wah-ah- a sneak tunnel! Ah-hah-haaa! Eat my dust, you fascist ghost-sheeted savages! You'll soon learn not to mess with the only man who could eat his way out of a stainless steel helium pump and live to tell the-"
"What is his problem?" Knuckles asked to Shadow.
"Rumor has it he pleasured himself as a child by running head-on into a wall so hard that a picture frame on it fell down and landed on his head," Shadow muttered. "Then he would hang it up again and repeat the process until he didn't know how to add two plus three." Knuckles shivered with horror at such a freakish childhood indulgence.
"OH NOES!" screamed Headwater Daddy, drawing all attention to him once again. "They've got me surrounded, I tell ya! Mayday, mayday, we're going down! Abort, abort!"
"I wish your wife had aborted," snickered Eggman to Mari-Su's father very inappropriately, considering that Mari-Su's dad had just lost a daughter.
"It's all over, abandon ship! Womdren and me first! They've got me… O Captain, my Captain, something about a ship! Wah-a-wah-a-BLOOOOOOOOOOO-doo-doo!" Headwater Daddy hurled his graphing calculator indignantly into the audience, turned back to Eggman, and smiled. "I'm sorry, what were you saying?"
Eggman started to speak. "Well, I was going to ask if I was allowed to call Sonic as a-"
"That's incorrect, five hundred dollars for being in contempt of court by lying," Headwater Daddy grinned. Eggman opened his mouth in outraged protest, and Headwater Daddy grew serious while reaching for his gun. Eggman glumly shut his mouth and the judge smiled smarmily.
"I'll bring my daughter's killers to their knees!" shrieked Mari-Su's father furiously, standing up. "You hear me? I'll bring 'em to their knees!"
"That is enough," said Headwater Daddy, and Mari-Su's dad muttered "to their knees" before subsiding. "Does the defense have anything to say in their… defense?"
"Yes!" Shadow blurted. "The prosecution hasn't produced a single speck of evidence that proves us guilty! There is nothing to suggest that we were at fault! The murderer was actually Me-" He stopped, expecting himself to be hit by lightning or something, then went on. "The killer was Mecha Scorpion!"
Everybody gasped, apparently taking a murder suspect's accusations at face value. Headwater Daddy raised an eyebrow so high that it detached itself and started meandering around all over his forehead. Eggman went mottled blue with rage. Mari-Su's dad shrieked that he would bring his daughter's killers to their knees.
"This is an interesting turn of events," a juror commented, "but how can we arrest Mecha Scorpion? If we do, he'll curse us all with warts or ransom or something!"
"Nonsense! I personally know Mecha Scorpion!" chortled Headwater Daddy. "He couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag, and I should know!"
"Why should you know that?" asked Tails nervously.
"Killers to their knees," Mari-Su's dad grumbled.
Suddenly the court gasped as the sound of a gun being loaded echoed throughout the room. Headwater Daddy realized that he was missing his gun and started to get out of his chair, but cold steel pressed the back of his head.
"Now, now, old friend," Mecha Scorpion said smoothly, emerging from behind the chair. "No funny business, see, or your brains will be all over the front row… or at least the Splash Zone glass barrier in front of them," he added sourly as such a barrier was erected.
"Marine-themed amusement park-owning entrepreneurs such as myself always take these small security precautions," bragged Headwater Daddy as Eggman realized that he was uncomfortably inside the Splash Zone.
"How is your brain matter marine-themed, or at all amusing?" Eggman asked with disgust. Headwater Daddy gave a sly grin, tapped his jaw with his fingers, and left the rest for interpretation.
"So we meet again," Mecha Scorpion said, turning around Headwater Daddy while still holding the gun to the judge's head. "Do you know how uncomfortable I was, hiding behind your chair? Luckily I had a mini-TV to keep me occupied." He held up a mini-TV on which an episode of South Park was playing.
"Tom Cruise married Katie Holmes in order to use her as a virgin sacrifice for the demonic spirit of L. Ron Hubbard, thus creating an apocalyptic Scientology-believing wasteland! Holy leaps in intuitive logic, Batman!" Cartman squealed. Suddenly a giant celebrity ego/bodily function joke fell out of the sky and crushed Kenny.
"Oh my god they killed Kenny! This is still funny despite the whole joke being the repetition!" screeched Kyle. "Time to die, zombie scum/funny celebrity/evil recurring character!" A supposedly humorous fight scene/climactic scatological reference occurred and the end credits rolled. Mecha Scorpion began to mutter that he hadn't been watching that.
"Enough!" Eggman yelled. "Why are you holding him at gunpoint? What are you trying to get away with?"
Mecha Scorpion smirked, and then realized that Eggman was right. "Nothing, actually… I was… um, you know, just… er, hanging around…" The courtroom began to fidget and sigh. "Uh, I gotta go!" Mecha suddenly vanished into thin air, if by that you mean he threw the gun at Knuckles and jumped out the window.
"Anyway, what's the verdict?" snarled Sonic. "Are we free or not?"
"Um…" Headwater Daddy pulled a coin out of his pocket. "Call it."
"Tails!" Eggman said readily. Tails the Fox started at the sound of his name then ignored Eggman.
"I will not have my imprisonment left to mere chance!" yowled Shadow, his quills in total disarray. Mari-Su's dad added that it was as good as murderers deserved, and that he would also bring his daughter's killers to their knees. But Sonic had a clever idea.
"Headwater Daddy," he said slowly, "if you let us go free, we'll give you back your baby."
Headwater Daddy tensed, like a cat ready to spring. His beady eyes glared from under his eyebrows, which he couldn't have raised one at a time if his life depended on it (which it once had). All in all he looked like a man on the edge, with nothing to lose.
"WHERE'S MAH BABY?" he screamed, the gavel rattling inside his stomach. "I want my BABY BACK!"
"Ribs," snickered a juror. When nobody laughed he wailed and fell off a cliff he had pulled out of his pocket.
"We'll give it back to you, if you let us go free," said Shadow, catching on and picking up a stapler.
Headwater Daddy's eyes flickered back and forth between the stapler and Shadow. "All right, it's a deal!" When Mari-Su's dad and Eggman began to foam at the mouths with rage, the judge reached for his gun threateningly (although Mecha Scorpion had stolen it before, but nobody realized that) and they subsided. "Now give me my BABY!"
"Here, catch!" said Knuckles, and Shadow tossed the stapler at him. Headwater Daddy caught it and began weeping with joy at being reunited with his baby. It turned out that Headwater Daddy did not have an actual baby, and would simply bond with any item he came across. Sonic, Tails, Knuckles and Shadow all high-tailed it out of there.
"That was a close one," gasped Sonic. "If it weren't for that insane judge…"
"We wouldn't have been arrested, since a real judge would have dismissed it as ridiculous," Shadow sneered. Sonic kicked him in the teeth.
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That should be the end of the self-insertions for a while, guys. Review please, let's go for 1000 reviews by 90 chapters!