Sonic Insanity

The self-inserts were treated with scorn for some reason, so I'll be leaving those alone for a couple more chapters. Review please, your comments are important.

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The trial was over. Headwater Daddy and Mecha Scorpion had both gone somewhere else to settle their differences, Eggman had dramatically flounced off to his "secret" lair, and the four heroes had returned to their homes. At that very moment, Sonic and Knuckles were having a fevered debate about who would win in a fight.

"No way! Spider-Man would just web up Master Chief's helmet so he couldn't see!" argued Sonic.

"Master Chief has that suit of armor, though," Knuckles disagreed, "and all those vehicles! Once Spider-Man ran out of web fluid, Master Chief would have some serious Needler dual-wieldage going on and POW! Spider-Man would be dead!"

"Spider-Man doesn't run out of web fluid unless he's not confident in his powers!" Sonic shouted, slamming a fist down on the table.

"In the comics he does! The web fluid is something he made himself and he shot it using a mechanical system, it wasn't biological!" Knuckles snarled. "In issue 124, when he was fighting The Furious Fiddling Fernandez, Spider-Man used up all his webbing and then he couldn't save Mary Jane when The Furious Fiddling Fernandez pushed her off a building, so Spider-Man had to call the fire-guy from Fantastic Four to save her, but then there was this romantic subplot with Torch Boy and Mary-"

Shadow exploded. "WILL YOU SHUT UP? I have no interest in hearing you prattle on about the Furious Fiddling Fernando or some such meaningless squabbling! I have the Chapelle Show to watch!"

"The Chapelle Show? Like OMG!" squealed Sonic as he ran over to watch. The skit showed a white woman arguing with her black boyfriend, who was Dave Chapelle.

"All I'm saying is if you put the seat down… just once in a while!" ranted the white woman in an obnoxiously white manner, eliciting large chuckles from the laugh track.

The black man looked about ready to blow up, but then his face settled into a look of obedience. "Yes, ma'am, Miss Huntington. You want me to do anymore work for y'all?"

"Now don't start this routine!" she yelled. "I don't think it constitutes slavery for me to ask you for one little thing around here!"

"No, ma'am, Miss Huntington," the black man said tonelessly. "Want me to go chop up some kindling or haul some rice in from the plantation? Could fetch you some water from the well…"

"I WILL NOT LET YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT AROUND HERE AS A FORM OF REPARATIONS!" the white woman screamed at the top of her Caucasian lungs.

"Thirty bales of rice in by sunset? Sure thing, ma'am, Miss Huntington, and you want me to go scare off those pesky abolitionists that keep showing up?" the black man said, fighting to keep the smirk off his face.

The episode ended a few minutes later and Knuckles changed the channel to the Dane Cook show. Dane Cook was strutting around like a fool on stage, outlining his latest moronic scheme.

"So I was thinking, right? I was just thinking, right, thinking about something?" pressed Dane Cook, flailing his arms in a "comical" manner. "I was thinking about how people always talk about the weather, right? People always talk about the weather, like it changes or something. I mean, it's either gonna rain or sunshine or snow or be cloudy, or some mixture of those, right? So the next time somebody tries to talk to me about the weather, I'm gonna just POW smack them in the face!" Dane Cook contorted all his limbs into a bizarre semblance of a fist to the nose. "And they'll be like why'd you do that? And I'll be all like, cause I hate the weather!" Knuckles shrieked with hysterical laughter.

Dane Cook turned around and stared at the camera in a dramatic way and nobody at all laughed, not even the laugh track (except Knuckles, but you know). "Um… airline food sucks!" Nobody laughed. "BK LOUNGE!" Dane Cook screamed as loudly as he could, and the audience burst into gut-busting hysterics.

"This guy sucks!" snarled Shadow, shutting off the TV. Knuckles grumbled quietly but didn't seem too bothered overall. "How about we play a game… OF RIDDLES?"

"Bah! Only fantasy characters play riddling games!" snorted Sonic.

"It sounds fun to me," whined Tails, flying up behind them. "The old dichotomy between wits versus intellect has always fascinated me as a contemporary example of brain-teasing puzzles in a postmodernist socially interactive network of-"

They decided to play the riddling game just so Tails would shut up and stop yammering about his stupid post-post-post-post-feminism or whatever. Since it was Shadow's idea, he went first.

"All right, here's a riddle," he said. "I'm going to describe a scene, and you have to guess what led up to the scene being the way it is. OK, so it's in the middle of the desert. There's no roads or paths for anybody to move around by. It's a total wasteland with no civilization anywhere for hundreds of miles around. The only sign of life to be found is Sonic's mother, lying naked on top of a sand dune and not moving."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" Sonic shrieked madly, clawing the carpet with rage. Knuckles, looking very interested, sat on Sonic.

"All around this naked, unmoving woman are articles of clothing and suitcases," Shadow went on happily, enjoying Sonic's artery-filled face swell up with rage. "In Sonic's mother's hand is a straw. What happened to lead up to this situation?"

Tails puzzled for a moment. "Were any other people involved?"

"Yes," Shadow confirmed.

"Did anybody have… er… sexual relations with Sonic's mom?" Knuckles suggested.

"Unfortunately no," Shadow lamented, dodging nimbly aside as Sonic shot a beam of fire at him.

"Hmmm… I give up," Tails gave up, and Knuckles followed suit. "What happened?"

"Sonic's mother and me were on board a hot air balloon, flying over the desert," Shadow explained. "The balloon sprung a leak and the hottie and I started throwing clothes and suitcases out of the balloon to make it lighter. When that didn't work, we took off all our clothes and threw them out too. When that didn't work either, we drew straws to see who would jump out of the balloon to make it lighter. Sonic's mother drew the shorter straw and jumped out and died."

"Doesn't she always?" cackled Tails, smirking at Sonic's look of wrath.

"This is boring," commented Shadow. "Riddles are annoying. Has anyone read the book Of Mice and Men?"

"Has anybody read the book Tic-Tac-Toe by… um… some guy's clever Irish grandfather?" asked Sonic. "Emma Duckenson or something… Petey Plummatic… communism…" He decided not to talk anymore.

"Hey, guess who I am!" giggled Knuckles, hiding under the table. "Pol Pot is gonna steal my job and eat everything in my fridge! The commies are after me! The commies want my lunch money to pay for the space program! Who am I impersonating?"

"Sonic's father?" guessed Tails.

"That's very close," snickered Knuckles. "Maybe this'll give you more of a hint." He began swaying around like a drunk person and scribbling the Pythagorean Theorem on the wall. "Uh, I before E except after C-section, and I fell off a cliff and my nickname is Hubris McGee… I once played a 75-minute punk jam album and the local music critic punched me in the face for being the worst musician he'd ever heard… who am I now?"

Sonic was now bright red in the face. "I won't tolerate this insubordination! Get off from under the table right now or you'll face the consequences!"

"Uhhhhhhhh… uhhhhhhh… I hate foreigners because once a Japanese person pushed me down an up escalator forty-five times… I hate foreigners because some of them have beards… I hate foreigners because I don't know how to spell coffee…" Knuckles was now bouncing up and down on his head while grinning sickeningly.

"This is getting a little too random," Shadow commented. "Why don't we, you know, actually do something this chapter?"

"How about we go to the mall?" Tails said. "It's always good for some laughs… how about Hot Topic in particular?"

So, in the author's never-ending quest to insult gothics and their brethren (and don't anybody say to me, 'well some stuff at Hot Topic is cute and I buy it' because it isn't and you're gothic), the Sonic gang hustled off to Hot Topic to take a look at all the ridiculous accessories.

"Maybe Rouge would like this!" Knuckles said brightly, holding up a black lace bra. One cup had Gerard Way's face sneering on it, and the other had the "coolly edgy" new MCR logo on it.

Nobody even bothered answering this, and Knuckles soon grew very offended, especially when he realized that Hot Topic's idea of rap music was POD and Linkin Park. Growing red with wrath upon realizing that Linkin Park's new single was the whiniest song in existence, Knuckles pulled a gun out from under his shirt and aimed it around menacingly.

"Whoa, guys, chill," said the bored receptionist and went back to filing her black-painted nails.

"Uh, doesn't anybody care that I have a gun out right in the middle of the mall?" Knuckles asked confusedly.

"Dude, we're in Hot Topic, they probably think you're just like some kid on his way to a school shooting," Sonic informed him.

"And they don't think that's unusual?"

"They'd lose half their sales revenue without people like that… just don't say anything violent that couldn't be construed as ironic," Shadow lectured, pulling out a diagram of HOT TOPIC DECORUM from between a Bullet For My Valentine poster and a guide on how guys should apply mascara. The diagram had pieces of a sponge glued to the top and then some random pictures of an overflowing bathtub.

Shuddering at this weirdness, Tails walked around in a very bored manner. This is what you get when a kid goes on MySpace too much and watches Tim Burton movies until they fall unconscious every night, he thought to himself. I mean, it's one thing for Johnny Depp to be your favorite actor, but when your favorite movie with him in it is freaking Pirates of the Cash Grabbing Movie Studio: The Main Characters Are All Comic Relief… He shivered again.

Turning around, he found himself bumping into an apparition of gooey black makeup and emo costuming. "CREAM?" he gasped with shock. "What's going on? Why are you all gothic?"

"I've had enough of you cheating on me!" she sobbed, and Tails noticed that she was wearing very large black wristbands. "Rouge, Amy, Tikal… how could you? I've had it! I can't take this life anymore!"

Tails gulped. "Um, I… I don't…"

"Nah, just kidding, silly!" she smiled, giving him a big hug and a slightly smaller kiss. "I'm just getting dressed up to go to the MCR concert tonight! Want to go with me?"

"Um," said Tails nervously, remembering the last time an emo concert showed up in the story.

"Yes, he will, Cream," Knuckles said sincerely. "Sonic, Shadow and I have some stuff to attend to and Tails might get in the way. It'll be good for him to give us some privacy for this."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Tails seethed, taking Knuckles aside. "What are you up to? There's something going on here, I just know it! I don't know if I should leave you alone… you might blow up the house or something!"

"Don't worry about it," Knuckles said breezily. "It's not like anything bad ever resulted from us being unsupervised before. Don't answer that," he growled as Tails began to speak. "It's necessary, Tails."

"Fine," groused the fox. "But when I come back from this concert, everything had better be in perfect condition!"

"Sure, why not," Knuckles replied, which did nothing to comfort the younger boy. "Why are you even going out with her anyway? You had enough fun with our girls, didn't you?"

"I'm a man of constant needs," Tails grinned smoothly, hugging Cream to his side and moving his eyebrows.

"Can I help you with anything?" asked a gothic sales clerk that was walking by. "Are you looking for something in particular?"

"Yeah, I was looking to buy your mom something," Knuckles said snidely. "Do you have anything in size 54? I want it to fit and match her IQ."

Unsurprisingly, they were all ejected from the store for excessive rudeness. Tails went to go handle some "business" with Cream, while Sonic, Knuckles and Shadow went to the food court to handle some less freaky business.

"Rap music is good because it promotes materialism, murder and degradation based on race or gender," Knuckles replied.

"I would rather listen to white men whining about how much their life sucked than black men talking about how good their life is," Shadow hissed.

"Go listen to Panic at the Disco or something, you stupid emo," hissed Knuckles, trying to clear the table with a sweep of his hand and breaking his hand when he accidentally hit the edge of the table instead.

"HEY! That's uncalled for!" Shadow got to his feet. "Panic! At The Disco are horrible! I wouldn't listen to them if… um… maybe if somebody had a gun to my foot!"

"To your foot?"

"Yeah, cause you know how-"

"Guys, please shut up!" Sonic stressed, looking frustrated. "We have more important stuff to deal with. Now, is everything ready? Shadow?"

"I bought the quick-dry cement yesterday, and everything else is… well, not present, but accounted for," said the black hedgehog, eating the pickle that came with his burger and spitting out the seeds.

"Who spits the seeds out of a pickle?" asked some guy hanging around nearby.

"Your mom spit out the seed that came out of my pick-" Sonic started to say very inappropriately.

"Ignore him, Sonic," said Shadow without concern, spitting out the last few seeds and finishing off the vegetable. "Knuckles, have you completed your part of the deal?"

"What did you expect?" Knuckles scoffed.

"Utter and complete failure on every level, even levels you couldn't access," Shadow responded.

"Cricket lemons," Sonic mumbled, and squirted a mustard packet so that it got on a hot girl's shirt. He drooled as she scrubbed furiously at it… the weird thing was that the mustard got on her sleeve, not on anything more sexual.

"So is Tails out of the way?" he inquired.

"Yeah, he's going to go to that stupid concert with Rabbit Ears," Knuckles answered, slurping some aspartame-laden soft drink.

"Your girlfriend has bat wings, don't insult Cream," Shadow said.

"Yeah?" Knuckles said furiously, far too furiously for the occasion. "Well, at least my girlfriend doesn't have… um… echidna dreadlocks!"

"But you do," objected the girl who Sonic had squirted. Sonic squirted even more mustard at her and this time it hit her bra strap. She scrubbed at it so hard that she wore right through her bra strap. Sonic drooled and suddenly the table lifted a few inches off the ground. Shadow and Knuckles looked under the table and shuddered. They pulled out a picture of an extremely fat man that they kept for such occasions, showed it to Sonic, and the table fell back down with a thud.

"We'll meet by the old oak tree," Knuckles confirmed, putting away the "fat man" picture.

"Sounds like a plan," said Sonic. Inside the 16-ounce soft drink cup, Eggman chuckled as he formulated a new strategy.

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For those of you who still even care if I keep writing this story, please review. Without reviews I can't tell how much people like it, and I write fanfiction for my fans, not for myself.