Sonic Insanity

This story is now on over 100 favorites list! Thanks to everybody who has supported me for the months and months that I've written this. The popularity has slackened off with the updates but I'm glad some people still like it… even if they don't always review.

A certain person requested I do a chapter about movies. I had already planned to write about TMNT (which was actually good, despite what a certain person might have to say about it- namely, it didn't have exactly the same plot as the TV show or previous movies), but the suggestion gave me some more ideas for a chapter.

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Eggman chuckled to himself as Sonic, Knuckles and Shadow left. "Finally I've eavesdropped on one of their little plots! Now I'll anticipate it and thwart them for good, even though their plan isn't even related to me! I am indeed a genius." He struggled out of the 16-oz cup, much to the horror and trauma of all nearby, and cavorted gleefully back to his lair in the storage room of Kohl's. Struggling around economy-sized cardboard boxes of men's polo shirts and Converse shoes, he seated himself on a crate of bargain-bin DVDs and whistled.

"Hey! Metal Sonic!" he hollered. "I've got work for you."

With a grumble of mammoth proportions, the robot hedgehog eased out from behind a rack of fancy belts. "What is it now, oh master?"

"We'll lure Sonic out of hiding, or rather I will," Eggman said, eating his first lunch that day (consisting of a foot-long hoagie, barbecued chicken wings, a White Castle combo meal, an ice-cream sundae and four giant Polish meatballs with buttered spaghetti). "He and his little comrades will be brought to the local cinema. You need to sneak into their house and steal the following items!"

Metal Sonic waited impatiently while Eggman scribbled a list. Eggman was a quadruple dyslexic and wrote extremely slowly, so Metal tried to peer over Eggman's shoulder to read some of it in advance so he could adjust his plans accordingly.

"Do you mind?" hissed Eggman cattily, putting up a hand to block Metal Sonic's view of the list and glaring at his henchman.

"If you're going to show me the list in a few seconds," Metal said exasperatedly, "and there's nobody else in the room, why are you hiding it from me? There's no point!"

Eggman thought about that for a moment, then wrote all his personal information in the margin of the paper. "There! Now if you look at it, it'll be an invasion of my privacy!"

"But you didn't have to write any of that," objected Metal, "and plus I basically know everything about you anyway… wait, career interests include being the Numa Numa guy's apprentice? I wasn't aware of-"

"GET OUT!" bellowed Eggman thunderously, banging a fist on the box upon which he wrote. Both hid inside the box as a suspicious employee came to check on the noise. As soon as the door closed, Eggman let out the breath of air he had been holding. His expanding gut pushed the box to its breaking point and sent them both tumbling out.

"I'm done with the list," sneered Eggman angrily, ripping off the personal info part and handing the rest to Metal Sonic. "Just steal those, but wait for my command! They've defeated us before, on several occasions, and you're no match for them if we confront them head on!"

"Several occasions?"

"JUST DO IT!" howled Eggman vigorously. Metal resentfully stormed out, planning to lie low nearby Sonic's house in wait for the moment.

Eggman smirked the smirk of a man enjoying an amount of success he is unaccustomed to. "Excellent! Now that that fool is dispensed with, it's time for Operation Sequel Jettison!" He moved over to a large panel of buttons, all with very menacing-looking labels: The Second-To-Last Mimzy, The Hills Have Eyes 3: This Is Still An Interesting Premise For A Film, and TMNT II: Shredder Appears and Fanboys Shut The Hell Up.

"Yo-ho, my pirates!" he called into the intercom on this bank of terrifying film choices. "Prepare for TOTAL MOVIE OVERLOAD! The cinemas will be flooded with all sorts of easy summer entertainment… in April! Sonic and his multicolored crime squad will have no choice but to get out of the house to see at least one of them!" In the most horrible move of all, he ran his fingers over all the buttons at once, like a child in an elevator. Dreadful idea after dreadful idea suddenly sparked to life, from 300 Ways To Decapitate People In Front Of A CGI Backdrop For The Whole Movie to Shooter: August Box-Office Filler, In The Spring!

"My masterstroke!" Eggman roared uproariously. "Their morale will be weakened by the onslaught of horrible movies! By the time they come home, Metal will have stolen all the materials to their plan, so they won't be able to do whatever they had in mind! They'll all go into advanced depression and become the very thing they most despised- EMO GOTHIC KIDS! This, coupled with Tails' return from the MCR/AFI/whatever concert, will trigger a massive emo paralysis!"

"Didn't you try that twenty-some chapters ago?" asked a sales clerk walking by.

"Yes," Eggman admitted, "but this time, it's not just to cripple them through butchered grammar and poor taste in music! They'll become so obsessed with their stupid gothic culture that they'll be out of the way for my world takeover! If they haven't already cut their wrists by then! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Eggman screamed with diabolical hysteria. The clerk primly edged away, only to trip over a box and fall into a giant vortex of Ikea products.

Meanwhile, over at Sonic's house, everything was going according to no plan. Shadow was helping Tails get ready for the concert, Knuckles was listening to rap music, and Sonic was aghast with rage.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS HEADLINE!" Sonic shrieked, winging the newspaper into a potted plant. "Knuckles, come look at this! Now!"

"Put forty D's on the Cadillac, on the pinky ring, on the Kevlar vest and on shawty's thang…" Knuckles ambled in, composing his raps. Since pretty much all rap is terrible, I'm not going to bother saying it was a horrible rap when in fact it was better than anything Akon, Lil Bow Wow, Rich Boy or Lil Wayne ever recorded in their idiotic careers.

"See my name up in lights all over the globe, got a car made outta money and a house made outta gold, I'm a legend in my own time, watch me and dream, and then, uh… er… and then I get Lil Jon to produce it and some guest rapper to say something 'gangsta' and then the big chorus! I've got it made!" Knuckles muttered "yaaaaah, beeyaaatch, yaaaah" under his breath and sat down on the couch, putting his feet up. "What's up, dawg?"

Sonic hesitated for a moment, overwhelmed by profound disgust and loathing. He shot Knuckles a look of horror and then went on with his tangent. "Look at this newspaper! Look at how overwhelmingly American it all is! Tell me what's funny about this article!" Sonic thrust out a newspaper clipping at Knuckles. It read:

2ND PLACE FINISHER IN HOT-DOG EATING CONTEST INCONSOLABLE, DEMANDS RECOUNT

"Um… it's funny because you can't recount an eating contest?" Knuckles guessed.

"Wrong," Sonic spat venomously as Shadow swaggered leisurely down the stairs. "Shadow, how about you?"

"It's funny because of the picture, and because he entered a hot dog eating contest in the first place," Shadow scoffed.

"That last part was sort of close," Sonic said dubiously, retching with disgust as Tails appeared in full gothic wear. "You know, Tails, it causes me much less guilt to mock you behind your back instead of to your face, so I'm going to spare you the sarcastic comments. Come look at this and tell me what's funny about it."

Tails regarded the newspaper briefly. "It's funny because of A, the idea of a hot-dog eating contest, B, that a man would actually want to excel at hot dog eating, and C, because this man thought he should win just because he entered the contest and ate almost enough."

"EXACTLY!" yelled Sonic. "God, what a ridiculous story! I'm looking for something else." He looked at the movie section of the paper and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. "Guys, come look at this immediately! I've never seen such madness! 86 movies out at the same time is too many! How do they show them all? They must all be on only one screen each!"

Shadow, Knuckles and the costumed Tails all looked at the movie section. Sure enough, the page was nearly flooded with releases, arranged alphabetically from Are We Out Of Money Yet: The UPN Remake Of Cheaper By the Dozen to xXx3: Starring Kevin Federline As A New Inbreed Of Secret Agent.

"This is downright ridiculous," Shadow protested. "It's a pretty sad state of affairs when Ice Cube rejects your script in favor of getting hit in the face for 90 minutes…"

"Norbit Part 2: Just To Negate Eddie Murphy's Success With Dreamgirls Entirely?"Tails said distastefully.

"But look at them all! It would be sacrilege to miss out on so many April summer blockbusters!" protested Sonic.

"The Number 23- Minutes Left For Jim Carrey's Career?" Knuckles muttered sickly.

"Come on, guys! It might be fun!" Sonic argued weakly.

"Wild Hogs and Even More Homophobic Jokes/Homosexual Scenes?" Shadow gulped uneasily.

"There have to be some good movies in that flock!" Sonic whined.

"Epic Movie II?" Tails said. That was all. No subtitle. It was bad enough as it was.

"Made by the comic geniuses behind Scary Movie 23 or whatever it is now," Knuckles sniggered.

"Don't you think it would be a little bit fun to see these horrible movies?" Sonic pleaded. "They probably released Spider-Man 3 and Pirates 3 early as well!"

"OK sure let's go," Knuckles said, no persuasion necessary.

So they all got ready to go to the movie theater (or the "cinema" as those British people eccentrically call it). "Want to take dates?" asked Sonic as he put on his shoes.

"No," spat Shadow. "My date, Amy, will probably just obsess over you anyway. Aside from that, TAILS will probably rekindle the flames of passion with all our girls anyway!"

"It was a one-time-only deal!" Tails protested feebly. "I can't resist them wily women!"

"THAT'S BS!" roared Knuckles. "You probably did stuff with them plenty of other times than that strip poker game! What about that Halloween night, huh? How about all the time you spent out of the house?"

"Circumstantial evidence! I could have been trout-fishing with Big!" Tails argued, pulling several meaty fish out of a cooler he was sitting on. They flopped out of his hands and fell into a pit of quicksand.

"WHAT ABOUT HOW YOU DELIBERATELY FORMED A NEFARIOUS PLAN TO GET THEM ALL NAKED, HUH?" bawled Sonic at earth-shattering volumes.

"Do you have any proof that that happened?" Tails smiled sweetly, his eyes becoming mockingly kewpie-doll.

"Come on, guys, what's done is done," Sonic grumbled, still angry. "Let's talk about the movies. How about Spider-Man 3, huh?"

"How many bad guys does it have… like, 12?" Shadow said sarcastically.

"Yeah, and with the Lady-in-the-Water-chick subplot and emo-darkness-within-Spider-Man stuff, there won't be time for any action scenes!" complained Knuckles.

"Let's make a fake preview and put it on You Tube," Sonic said dreamily. "It would go like this…"

On MAY 4th…

"We've found your uncle's REAL killer," said some police chief to Peter Parker. "This is not a plot contrivance used in order to justify 3 freaking villains in one movie, by the way…"

"Who is it?"

"Unfortunately, some sort of radioactive… man… made out of sand…" the police chief said, licking his lips as a donut truck raced across the street.

"Like a sandman?" asked Peter Parker. "Enter Sandman" by Metallica began to play as a muscled-up Thomas Haden Church started randomly turning into sand all over the place.

"I'm going to marry MJ," Peter said to his aunt.

"That's wonderful… IF YOU LIVE THAT LONG!" screamed his aunt, turning around to reveal… THE VENOM VIRUS THAT SUDDENLY TOOK OVER PETER AND MADE HIM EMO DARKNESS WITHIN SPIDEY!

"It feels good…" moaned Peter as the venom virus creeped over his manliest area. "Time to fall in love with Lady-in-the-Water chick and ignore people in danger! Oh, and Topher Grace and stuff too."

Suddenly the virus was gone and Harry, the X-treeeeeeeeeeeme new Goblin, was knocking around Peter.

"You killed my father, Pete!" Harry screamed, emo tears dripping down his cheeks. "Time to be a little wuss and moonlight around on my Go-Go-Gadget flying snowboard! Yeah!"

"I didn't kill your father, you demented little girly boy!" yelled Peter as Harry threw him into a glass building and he tried to grab his wedding ring out of midair instead of save himself. "I've never met you in my life! You look like some sort of Nickolodeon ad from five years ago!" Despite the fact that Harry's face was plainly visible and everything about his getup looked like his father's except more X-treeeeeeeeeeeeeeme, Peter didn't recognize his old friend.

"I do not!" defended Harry, drinking from a tube of Go-Gurt. "But enough! Time to die and get dead!"

"That doesn't make any sense," Peter objected. Suddenly Venom, Sandman, Green Goblin and Doc Ock all jumped out of a sewer.

"Time to rock and roll, web slinger!" grinned Doc Ock, snapping his metal tentacles evilly.

"No doubt about it!" agreed Sandman. "How could the sequel have anything less than 5 villains in it? Why, after the excessive melodrama of Spider-Man 2, all anybody wants are action scenes, I tell you!"

"Indeed," chuckled Harry, standing next to his dad. "Why not have every Spider-Man bad guy in the comics, TV series and movies show up? All the faceless thugs! All the bankers that denied him a loan! All the Korean grocers who never gave him organic produce! All the street corner bums who insolently demanded his money! Why not bring in every bad guy from every form of entertainment… EVER CREATED?"

Norman Osborne sighed heavily and wondered if Harry's mother had been schizophrenic.

"Yes," Venom drooled. "With all our forces combined, NOBODY WILL BE ABLE TO STAND IN OUR… what?" All the other bad guys were clearing their throats and looking around. "What?"

"Well, see, that's the thing, Venom," said Sandman nervously. "We, er, kind of decided to kick you out of the group."

"WHAT?" raged Venom. "But I'm the most fan-boy loved of any Spider-Man bad guy! The main hype for the movie! The… the most Venomy! You can't kick me out!"

"It's just," said Doc Ock uncertainly, "that you're really sort of too hyped-up, Venom. The movie studio can't make you the way the fanboys want, and they finally realized that three bad guys in one movie is too many. So it was either you or Thomas Haden Church over here, and since they already bought all the sand for him, you're getting the boot."

"I refuse!" Venom yowled, grabbing Sandman and eating him. He belched, showering a thoroughly disgusted Harry with recycled sand, and then started randomly running around in circles.

SPIDER-MAN 3 – NOW AVAILABLE ON EVERY SCREEN IN EVERY THEATER EVER... IN IMAX

"We're at the movie theater!" grinned Sonic, his grin fast fading when he realized they hadn't even gotten in the car yet. Meanwhile, Metal Sonic squatted impatiently in the bushes, wondering sourly why the powerful allure of Blades Of Glory And Jon Heder Pretends Not To Be Napoleon Dynamite was failing to draw Sonic and company to the theater.

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This chapter took a lot longer than I thought it would, sorry. The next one may take even longer since I'm going on a trip to D.C for a week, but I'll keep working on ideas while I'm there for you guys. As always, review- otherwise I don't feel like I'm writing for anybody.