Sonic Insanity

To DGO: I would watch a Superman movie without Lex Luthor. What matters is that it's GOOD and that it doesn't contradict or make the previous material look bad. Be thankful that TMNT acknowledged the existence of Shredder at all.

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Sonic, Shadow, Tails and Knuckles began the journey out of the house to the car parked in the driveway, hands in their "pockets" while chatting unconcernedly.

"So… um… pretty chilly weather we've been having?" Knuckles offered weakly as means of small talk.

"The weather's nice the weather's bad I'm doing good are you that's nice how's the wife and kids how're things at work really that's great nice seeing you," Shadow droned monotonously, intentionally depriving them of all small talk conversations. Knuckles smoldered in rage as he was robbed of his world-renowned conversational wit.

"So who has the money?" Sonic asked, kicking a small clod of grass so that it knocked one of Shadow's shoes off.

"I certainly don't!" cried Knuckles, gesticulating frantically and throwing his hands up into the air while Shadow angrily retrieved his shoe. "My hustler lifestyle supports one man and one man only, and that's the Knuck!"

"The Knuck?" Shadow said scornfully. "That's a really snazzy name you've got there, Knuckles."

"What's wrong with being called the Knuck?" Knuckles asked, starting to get mad.

"Oh, nothing much," tittered Sonic, impersonating Knuckles by making his voice sound foolish and uneducated while rolling his eyes. "Uh, I'm Knuckles, wouldn't it be a swell idea to change my name to the Knuck? I'll earn respect from my peers that way fo sho!"

"Anyone know any good knuck-knuck jokes?" smirked Shadow rudely.

"Knock it off this second!" demanded "the Knuck," simmering with fury.

"Yeah, Sonic, we better knuck it off or else the Knuck over here is gonna knuck us out with his trademark Pansy Punch," Shadow chortled, getting into the back of the car and stretching his legs.

"PANSY PUNCH?" raged Knuckles.

"Knuck-knuck!" Sonic said sweetly.

"Who's there?" Shadow replied.

"The Knuck!"

"The Knuck who?"

Sonic resumed his impersonations. "Duuuuuuuuuh… time to guard the Master Emerald! I hope Rouge remembers my name today… maybe I should have dreadlocks, that'll be cool! And while I'm at it, let's be the brute force of the gang and be obsessed with rap culture!"

Knuckles clicked his fingers and a giant raging dust cloud blew in from off screen. He grabbed Shadow and jumped in, pulling the protesting black hedgehog in after him. Random arms, legs and heads appeared periodically as they brawled within the dust cloud. Sonic sighed, smoothed back his quills, and then jumped in as well.

"At least my mom's last words before she lost her virginity weren't 'come here, you wonderful little midget, you!'" Shadow snarled at Sonic, even though they were both trying to fight Knuckles.

"At least my mom's last words before she lost her virginity weren't 'what are all those whips over there for?'" Sonic bellowed back.

"At least my mom didn't say just before she lost her virginity, 'Daddy, will you tuck me in?'" whooped Knuckles, much to everybody's disgust and rage.

"It's time for me to go to my concert with Cream," Tails said. "Later." He abandoned the oblivious whirling dervish dust cloud and went to pick Cream up. It would not be the last we heard of Tails' misguided attempt to impress Cream by acting gothic. But that comes later.

Anyway, so Knuckles, Shadow and Sonic eventually stopped fighting, relented with the incestuous your-mom jokes, and got in the car. Knuckles immediately took the front seat, smiling smugly.

"I call shotgun!" Sonic yelled, only to find that Knuckles had taken all the firearms in the car and put them under his seat. Seething, he settled for the front passenger seat, leaving Shadow to stretch out in the back.

"I just got a new CD," said the black hedgehog, rummaging around in his carrying case until he emerged with one.

"10,000 Days by Tool?" Knuckles said doubtfully. "Does it involve rapping?"

"NO! Maybe if you try listening to some other music once in a while, you won't be so intolerant!" yelled Shadow, inserting the CD.

"75 MINUTES?" screamed Sonic, reading the CD case.

"We don't have to listen to every song," Shadow informed him.

So they listened to the album opener, Vicarious, which was an amazing song.

"This is an amazing song!" Shadow said redundantly.

"It's pretty good," Sonic conceded.

"I don't hear any rapping!" whined Knuckles expectantly.

However, after the first 5 songs, which ranged from very good to boring to too-long-but-still-good to awesome, everything took a turn for a worse.

"The average song doesn't have to be 7 and a half minutes long, especially when half of them are filler!" yelled Shadow, and remember that he was the one who liked the CD the most

"Every song after The Pot sucked," Sonic objected. "Except for maybe Right In Two."

Knuckles was steaming mad that he had spent a good half hour of his time skipping around through an un-listenable CD, and on top of that not heard the word "shawty." He turned on the radio, increasing the bass frequency from MAXIMUM to SHAKE YOUR FILLINGS OUT. Consequently, "Buy U A Drank" began playing so loudly that objects were picked up and launched all over. The inside of the car shook, sending Sonic and Shadow flying like popcorn in a popper.

"Make it END!" shrieked Shadow, trying to kick out the side window before he was launched into the trunk. Sonic, quills blustering wildly with the force of the sound, managed to turn it off. Knuckles, who had not noticed anything as he had been also listening to his iPod, continued to sing.

After a very furious battle with more casualties than the whole of the Civil War, even though nobody died, they reached the movie theater and tried to choose a movie.

"How about Die Hard 5: Bruce Willis Is Not Far Too Old?" Shadow suggested.

"Nah, sounds too intellectual for me," said Knuckles distastefully, looking up at the marquee. "I'm not really in the mood for a thinking man's movie, you know?"

"How about Grindhouse Part 2: Tarantino and Rodriguez Congratulate Each Other For Their Contributions To Cinema For Three Hours?" Sonic smirked. "That's more your style, Knuckles."

"Too long a title," Knuckles scowled. "There's always Shrek 4 and the Endless Pop Culture References…"

"I thought it was called Shrek 4 and Mike Meyer's Attempt To Still Have A Job In Hollywood," said Shadow with confusion.

"I thought it was called Shrek 4 and the Author's Attempt To Use Both Shrek Jokes Without Making An Absurdly Long Title," Sonic amended.

"Too late," muttered some guy hanging out by the movie theater wall.

"What about that Pathfinder flick?" inquired Shadow. "That doesn't look like Lord of the Rings at all. By the way, this chapter is going to be extremely dated in two months."

"We could watch Disturbia Two With The Most Inappropriate Use Of A System of a Down Song In A Trailer In Recent Memory," said the author, walking by.

"Not everybody loves System of a Down as much as you!" called Knuckles. Suddenly the ground beneath his feet started to quake ominously. "They all love it far more, har de har," Knuckles said nervously, and the ground went back to normal.

"Why don't we watch that?" Sonic said suddenly, peering up at something in very small print. It said:

YE OULDE SONIC FOLLYE

"Folly… doesn't folly mean something similar to insanity?" Knuckles observed, feeling inexplicably nervous. A cold wind chilled them as it blew by.

"Why don't we give that a try?" Shadow smirked. "What's the worst that could happen? We see a bad movie. Big deal. Come on, let's go!"

"Shadow…" Sonic said anxiously.

"What?"

"Look up at the marquee…"

Sighing, Shadow went over to look. YE OULDE SONIC FOLLYE was no longer there. There was absolutely no evidence that it ever had been there.

"But there has to be a poster for it or something!" Shadow said shakily. The three rodents, feeling very spooked, went to look over at the poster wall. YE OULDE SONIC FOLLYE was there. The poster was a black sheet with the title written across it and the release date.

"Phew," said Knuckles, wiping his brow. "At least it's there. Why don't we just get it over with and go-"

"Look at the release date!" Shadow said suddenly, looking frightened.

They all bent in to look. In simple white letters it read: 4.13.07.

"Friday the 13th," Shadow whispered.

"So what? Lots of movies are released on Fridays," Sonic said, trying to appear confident. "Now, I- WHOA! Look at the title!"

YE OULDE SONIC FOLLYE was fading, one letter at a time, from the black backdrop. However, not all the letters were disappearing. After they had stopped disappearing, the remaining message was:

YE OULDE SONIC FOLLYE

"Yesic?" said Knuckles skeptically.

"Yes I c… yes, I see…" whispered Shadow fearfully.

Everything was absolutely silent. It was then that they realized that there was absolutely nobody else anywhere to be seen. The title reappeared, and then more letters slowly faded away, leaving the message:

YE OULDE SONIC FOLLYE

"You Sonic?"

"YESICYOUSONIC… yes, I see you, Sonic…" Sonic moaned, sweat breaking out. In the middle of the black poster, a set of malevolent yellow eyes opened, blinked and focused on them with deadly intensity. A low, sibilant hiss filled the still air.

Sonic stumbled backward, followed by Knuckles and Tails. They began to turn around and run for it as the yellow eyes drew closer, but the letters YE OLDE SONIC FOLLYE floating in midair stopped them.

"The letters from the marquee!" gasped Sonic in a strangled voice.

A voice that seemed to be all around them chuckled. "Yes…"

The letters, hovering in the air, started to rearrange themselves. Certain letters disappeared, but most remained to spell out the ghostly phrase:

DIE YOU FOOLS

And then…

THERE IS NO ESCAPE

Sonic and Shadow gasped. Knuckles, however, was realizing something.

"Wait a minute," he said shrewdly. "There is no escape… there's no A in YE OULDE SONIC FOLLYE! What's going on?"

Suddenly Espio turned visible in front of them, yellow eyes taunting them. "Hello, boys." He dropped the letters he had been holding.

"WHAT?" shrieked Shadow furiously.

"So there was never anything suspicious to begin with?" Sonic said happily, as Vector and Charmy appeared from the shadows.

"Nope, never!" Charmy tittered, eating a massive Twinkie deep-fat-fried and basted with sugar and powdered sugar. "Except for how there was nobody on the whole street…"

"How'd you take care of that?" Knuckles asked worriedly. When nobody spoke and began shuffling around awkwardly, he realized with horror that Vector had a human arm hanging out of his mouth. The crocodile swallowed it, gave a bloodstained grin, and wiped his mouth on a napkin.

"So… um… want to go see a movie?" Sonic said nervously.

"What do you know about the DNA evidence?" barked Espio, lunging on top of Sonic and pinning him to the ground. Vector grabbed Knuckles and put him in a headlock. Shadow whimpered as Charmy gripped Shadow's forearm and threatened to pinch it.

Sonic shook his head with disgust at this weakness, and Espio misinterpreted it as defiance. "How dare you!" the chameleon shouted, stomping Sonic in the back. "We know that the Chestercarthy labs were raided last night! Police found green scales and a Happy Meal bag there, and only YOU creeps would have anything to do with that!"

"None of us have green scales!" Knuckles yelled, thrashing around. "Plenty of people eat Mickey D's!"

"Like WHO?" barked Vector, hastily concealing his Big Mac by putting it in his mouth. "You're clearly guilty, you…" Then he realized that Charmy and Espio had both caught on. "Oh." He released Knuckles and ran away, his compatriots chasing him furiously into the distance.

"Anyway," Sonic mumbled, dusting himself off and offering Knuckles a helping hand up. Shadow squawked in protest as nobody helped him. "Should we just go watch Ye Olde Sonic Follye?"

"Sure, why not," Knuckles groaned, and they left Shadow behind to writhe his way to his feet and follow them halfheartedly. Meanwhile, Metal Sonic infiltrated their house and began to read the list Eggman had given him, and Tails wondered how he had ever gotten himself into such a mess as this.

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More from these guys later, and we'll hear about Tails' dreadful MCR concert next chapter! Review as always, and maybe by 86 or 87 we'll have 1000 reviews!