Sonic Insanity
Thanks for the reviews as usual. How about some more?
Chapter title: It's The Victoria's Secret Police!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"So, Tails," said Cream as they drove to the MCR concert. "Have you heard much of this band's music?"
"No, I'm mostly just going cause you want to," Tails lied. He had in fact heard quite a bit of My Chemical Romance in a very violent incident when Shadow had bought all of their CDs using money Sonic owed Tikal on a bet. As far as he could tell, they had gone from being a generic emo-punk band to an overly melodramatic emo-punk band to a Green Day-plagiarizing emo-punk band, over the course of three albums.
"Aw, how sweet of you!" she chorused, kissing him on the cheek. For a split second going to see the Abominations Of Rock didn't seem like such a bad idea after all. Then Cream stopped kissing him and it again felt like the most unbearable burden ever devised. "I guess you ought to know that they're a little bit emo, so don't be too surprised, OK?"
"Um…" To call MCR a little bit emo would be like calling Headwater Daddy's grandfather a little bit of a drunken imbecile who was never clever or cool in his life. Or, to use a simile more people might be familiar with, it would be like calling Kingdom Hearts 2 a little bit of a failure on almost every level. "All right, I'll keep that in mind."
Tails pulled up in the parking lot of the arena where the band was performing. It was a baseball stadium that was often used for concert events, and even with such a big parking lot it was full.
"I guess they must be pretty popular around here," Cream said nervously as Tails struggled to find a spot. Tails immediately considered moving into a house of his own way out of town, an idea he had been nursing for at least the last 60 chapters. The only reason he hadn't was because somebody needed to anchor the extreme absurdity of the Sonic household with a little bit of logic and common sense. And, he thought slyly to himself, there's always Amy, Tikal and Rouge… He looked at Cream, felt guilty for a half second, and then remembered where she was making him go. It also didn't help/hurt that the strip poker game had left some "entertaining" images in his mind.
Finally Tails made a parking spot by squeezing the car vertically so that it was very thin, slipping between two parked cars, and expanding to normal size again. All the other cars were nudged out of the way, much to Cream's mingled amusement and disapproval, and they got out of the car and walked hand in hand to the arena.
They entered the long line and waited, the silence between them going from comfortable to a bit awkward as various whiny emo types filed in. Finally they were allowed to enter, but had to pass through a security check.
"Like a MCR fan is going to bring in a weapon," Tails muttered sarcastically to the guard.
"They do cut themselves a lot, and there have been fights over hair barrettes at the merchandise table," said Cream wisely, pointing to a guy with six straight razors hanging from his nose under the guise of a piercing. Tails thought about shoving the razors up the guy's nose and saying "hey look, a walrus" (thanks to Claire for that joke) but decided against it, especially when a disgusted security guard confiscated the razors.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Sonic, Knuckles and Shadow were off getting ready to watch Ye Olde Sonic Follye. They had found seats near the back, and there were actually other people in the theater so it wasn't all creepy like it had been outside.
"That's a good point," Knuckles said in response to nobody. "I think some of the Socratic principles of philosophy apply to the current identity crisis that our culture is currently experiencing. In particular, the individuality conflict is one that seems to have arisen from Plato's- pay attention!" he snapped, punching his container of popcorn to make it listen. "Now, as I was saying," he began and then abruptly stopped talking, staring raptly at the advertisements playing on the screen. Sonic and Shadow were trying extremely hard not to laugh/burst with anger.
"Quiet down up there!" yelled a guy behind them, even though they would be "down there" from his perspective.
"But seriously though," Sonic said to Shadow, resuming a prior conversation, "you don't get any girls at all! Your lady-wangling skills are garbage, and you're socially inept!"
"At least I'm not mentally inept!" snapped Shadow.
"At least I'm not racially inept!" Sonic retorted in a very racist and confusing manner.
"In response to your claims that I'm garbage with the ladies," Shadow growled, "that's not true! I get lots of girls! In fact, I've gone out with every single girl in the world!"
"Why haven't I ever seen you with them?" yelled Sonic, inciting the wrath of the audience.
"Um, I dumped them all?" Shadow said as if this should have been obvious to the most idiotic of… well, idiots.
"WHY WOULD YOU DUMP EVERY SINGLE GIRL, EVEN THE MOST INTELLIGENT, BEAUTIFUL, FUNNY AND CHARISMATIC ONES?" screamed Sonic. "How could they all possibly not be good enough?"
"They said I had bad teeth," Shadow replied.
"Oh… wait a minute, though," Sonic said with confusion. "If you dumped them, then wouldn't they have to have a problem and not you?"
"Well, at least my mother never walked into a whorehouse and said 'there's no place like home!'" Shadow accused him randomly.
"At least my mother hasn't had more pregnancies than she's had periods!"
"Is that even possible?" Shadow grumbled. "Anyway, at least my mother's loss of virginity wouldn't best be described as 'reluctant!'"
"At least my mother's wouldn't be described as 'prison!'"
"At least my mother's wouldn't be described as '7th birthday!'"
"At least my mom's wouldn't be described as 'hubris!'"
"At least my-"
"The previews!" Knuckles muttered urgently, indicating the screen. Sonic and Shadow immediately quieted down and settled for a silent popcorn war.
"Coming soon to theaters," said an announcer that was clearly in the audience rather than actually part of the sound reel. Sonic hurled a soda down at him, where it exploded to thunderous applause.
A black screen showed up, with ominously swelling bass notes.
"An ancient evil will rise," intoned the narrator, who was still obviously in the audience yet projecting his voice really well.
"A hero will stand…
"An empire will-"
Suddenly the black screen cut out and turned into the title screen of YE OLDE SONIC FOLLYE, the actual movie and not a preview at all. There was no sign that it was even remotely connected to the black screen ominous stuff.
"Outrageous," growled Sonic, but he sat and watched the movie. While Knuckles and Shadow bickered about whether the film should have been called YE OLDE KNUCKLES FOLLYE or SHADOW WINS GOLD AT MAKING OUT WITH CHEERLEADERS AT THE OLYMPICS, the movie started to play. Sonic shushed them and thankfully kept Shadow from inferring that Knuckles' mother had been not only the chief cheerleader, but also a rabid, frothing hippopotamus as well as an 80-year-old shoe-shiner named Juanita Afropuff.
The movie, which up until now they had not realized would be animated, started with the image of a cartoon Shadow running around in circles on a white backdrop.
"Hey, look at me, I'm the Ultimate Lifeform, wah, I want Maria, wah, I want to use horrible aiming controls for a whole game and say it had 10 alternate endings when it really has about a third of that," Shadow wailed while dashing. "Wah, I'm emo, wah, wah! Waaaaaah…"
Off screen, Sonic was rolling hysterically on the ground while Shadow seethed. Of course, then he got stuck to the floor and Knuckles had to rip him off and back into his seat. On screen, Sonic walked in holding a comic strip.
"I found a really funny comic strip, Shadow!" he bawled obnoxiously, gesticulating in a grotesque manner. "Can I show you?"
"Sure, why not," yelled Shadow really loudly.
"Are you sure? I'm giving you a spoiler alert," Sonic howled.
"Yeah, I can handle it," screeched Shadow.
"Why are they speaking so loudly?" grated Knuckles with his fingers in his ears.
"What kind of comic strip has spoiler alerts?" sneered Shadow. Sonic was beet red at his representation.
"Here you go," the Sonic on-screen bellowed at an unnecessary volume. The camera cut to the comic strip, which read:
PEANUTS: NOT GETTING OLD BY NOW
A "Classic" by Charles Schultz
"Go ahead, Charlie Brown! Kick the football!" Lucy slyly encouraged the bumbling, baldheaded boor.
"No way!" whined Charlie Brown the emo. "You're just gonna pull it away, and for some reason this will cause me to fall over!"
"I promise I won't!" Lucy lied.
"All right," Charlie Brown agreed. He ran at the football, Lucy pulled it away, and he fell over.
"That's really funny," the on-screen Shadow said. "But what was the spoiler?"
"That Lucy would pull away the football," Sonic said, as if Shadow was clueless.
Off-screen, Sonic was madder than when he had watched High School Musical. Shadow was madder than when he had watched A Cinderella Story. Knuckles was madder than when he had watched the controversial "Tails strip poker" video. Tails, at the concert, was madder than when he had watched a movie of Roman Polanski picking his teeth for five hours.
"IT HAPPENS IN EVERY SINGLE EPISODE!" screamed Tails furiously, before realizing that that had been Shadow's line. "I mean, er, this band is dreadful!"
"Yo, you want to fight about it?" said an MCR fan aggressively, jumping in front of Tails and swaggering back and forth. "This band is crazy mad awesome, dude! I'll kill you!"
"Um, I don't really see why you would kill somebody only because they don't respect your opinion, but OK then," Tails shrugged.
"I'm sorry! Didn't you hear me? GOD!" wailed the MCR fan, cowering in fear. Tails looked at him in disgust and then back at the stage in front of him.
Unfortunately, what he saw there was little better. There was the drummer, doing absolutely nothing much at all. There was the guitarist, playing an amalgamation of American Idiot B-sides and vaguely Linkin Park-like riffs. There was the bassist and little brother, strumming away with all the technical proficiency of Sid Vicious and even more obnoxiousness. And there, at center stage, embarrassing actual cancer victims everywhere with his platinum hair that somehow simulated chemo baldness, was Gerard Way, yelling and shrieking like a prepubescent mongoose. All this made up for a catchy but ghastly combination of potent adolescent anguish that made Tail want to rip off his tails and stuff them in his ears.
"Can we go now?" he asked Cream casually, or at least as casually as he could under the circumstances.
"These tickets cost a lot of money! I'm not throwing it away!" she complained. "They have only eight more songs to go through and then they're done!"
"EIGHT?" shrieked Tails at a pitch to rival that of the castrated elf bastard wailing on stage. "That's an eternity! I can't wait that long!"
"We'll compromise," Cream said firmly and impatiently. "You want to leave now. I want to leave at the end. We'll leave after four songs. No, five songs."
"What?!" spluttered Tails. "That's unfair! I refuse to listen to one more minute of this… leprechaun band! Don't put me through this, Cream, I beg you!"
"Four songs," relented Cream wearily, trying to listen to the music.
"I can't tolerate Emo Malfoy and the Rascals any longer! Please, no more! …Two songs?"
"Four if you want to leave with me," Cream said icily, "and five in silence if you plan on 'getting any.'"
Tails longed to tell her that Amy, Rouge and Tikal had been giving him some, and better and more frequently, for an extremely long time. Until Knuckles came along with his old-fashioned notions of betrayal and adultery and faithfulness, Tails reflected sourly as he tried to drown out the horrendous cacophony of shrieks onstage. Why? Why did Knuckles have to spoil everything?
He tried to console himself with the knowledge that he would be 'getting some' from Cream tonight if he kept his mouth shut. However, the dreadful racket onstage, punctuated by assorted girlish screams from either the mosh pit or the lead singer himself, made it unbearable. They had barely finished their hideous cover of Green Day's American Idiot (which sounded exactly the same, yet was much worse somehow) before Tails decided that not even Nicole Kidman was worth this torment. The result was a furious Cream as Tails ducked behind the merchandise table for some quality time with his favorite soft-core magazine.
"Ah, Victoria's Secret!" he sighed, laying out the glorious volume in his lap and adjusting it somewhat. "What better way to spend one's quality time than with a centerfold of some 7-out-of-10 chick wearing a Very Sexy®NEW! Infinity Edge™ wireless push-up bra with Gel-Curve™ shaping for an inexpensive $40-$43?" He was just about to begin his 'personal time' when a pair of prying hands forcibly yanked the rag from his hands.
"What? Cream?" he grumbled as the irate rabbit snatched it from his imploring grasp. "Come on! I was in the middle of some-"
"You were in the middle of some nasty stuff was all!" stormed Cream. "That does it! We need to be alone so I don't get any madder at you! Go home if you want to so badly! But don't even think about any pr0n, even of the G-rated variety, or we're through!"
"How could porn be G-rated?" Tails asked confusedly. "And why are you censoring yourself?"
"First of all, no," Cream seethed, "second of all, because being the Fallacious Autoeroticism Police Of Freaky Felonies means I can't say anything inappropriate!"
"No isn't a valid response to my question," Tails objected, "and your title's initials are FAP OFF. Shouldn't that be censored too if you want to uphold your-"
He was driven from the concert by Cream's dire threats, clutching a few crumpled pages of the panties section. Despite how pitiful this situation was, it was better than when Rouge found Knuckles sitting in the bathroom with a poster of the Pussycat Dolls, using a scissors to cut out the crotches of their shorts in an attempt to cut off the clothes.
Meanwhile, at Sonic's house, Metal Sonic was consulting his list of things to steal. However, he had spent most of his time stealing things that he could sell for money, such as toasters and Shadow's Wii. Only when he looked at the list did he realize the magnitude of the plan he was supposed to stop.
Cheese grater
Superglue
Baking soda and vinegar
Remote mines
Tripwires
Stuffed monkey
Driver's license
Rocket catapult
And, most ominously of all:
The DVD of ClickXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Will Tails and Cream break up, and will anyone care? Will Sonic, Knuckles and Shadow face the horror of Ye Olde Sonic Follye? Will Metal Sonic ever succeed in plundering the house? Will Adam Sandler ever be stopped? Review.