Sonic Insanity

Awesome, we reached 1000 reviews! Thank you to everybody who contributed to this staggering number. Seriously, it's not anything I could have hoped for even a year from now.

However, this chapter will be a little different from the rest. You see, I just saw Spider-Man 3 (well, I just saw it, you guys will probably read it two weeks after I'm writing this) and it moved me to do a semi-parody of it. So the Sonic gang will have less time this chapter to make room for my mockery of that semi-travesty of a movie. Enjoy.

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SPIDER-MAN 3: CLEARLY BENEATH EVERYBODY ON SET

The movie opened with Mary Jane singing extremely poorly on stage. She descended a staircase in all her wretched glory while Peter Parker, moron and fool, sang along with her. It was extremely obvious that she had forced him to supervise her practices, for reasons unknown.

"La dee da dee da… raindrops and fairies and stuff…" he trilled, believing himself to be mouthing along while actually singing louder than she was. Harry Osborn, rich, arrogant pretty-boy, glared down at Peter for approximately one second before returning to his lascivious thoughts of MJ. The play ended later, much to everybody's delight.

"Harry, I didn't kill your father!" squalled Peter outside the theater later. "This is all a huge misunderstanding that we have to clear up if we're ever to come to terms with what happened!"

"Sorry, that has to happen at the end of the movie," Harry whined, "preferably after a huge fight scene where I martyr myself." He drove off in a limo. Peter started crying hysterically. It would not be the last time somebody in the movie would do so, often for no good reason.

Meanwhile, off in the city somewhere, Flint Marko was taking a casual stroll around the city, at night, while avoiding all the police cars driving after him. After this not-at-all-suspicious moonlit jaunt, he snuck into some little girl's room.

"My baby," he murmured affectionately, eyes tearing up at the sight of her.

"Who are you?" she shrieked, waking up. "Get out of my house immediately! MOM? DAD!"

"I'll get you the medicine, baby," Marko rumbled to this complete stranger. "No matter what it takes."

"I'm not even sick! What's wrong with you? MOMMY!" she bawled. Flint thought it prudent at that moment to escape, but not before taking a picture of the girl. He put it in a locket and treasured it for the rest of his sad, sandy life. But more of that would come later.

Elsewhere, Peter and MJ were off on a post-play date. They were suspended in a web high above the ground, which would not be at all unusual if somebody were to see them.

"Tell me you love me," commanded MJ, the domineering Nazi.

"I love you," fibbed Peter, imaging Gwen Stacy in his redheaded girlfriend's place. At least Gwen never whined to him about bad play reviews. At least Gwen had a figure to speak of. At least Gwen... A random meteor falling out of the sky and landing next to them disturbed his contemplation. Actually, since he didn't notice the meteor, he went right on dreaming about a platinum blonde Julia Roberts-look-a-like, who he affectionately dubbed Preggers McSeaworthy.

While he fondly imagined this nightmarish creature, oblivious to both Mary Jane's screeching and the meteor, an odd black virus crawled out and hitched onto his bike. As he drove home with MJ in tow (meaning he tied her by a length of rope to the motorcycle's back fender and drove off), the virus followed in one of the most unlikely occurrences in film history.

We return to Flint. The police were chasing him with a bunch of dogs. As he reached a chain link fence, one of the dogs caught up with him. He punched it in the face and vaulted the fence, ignoring the sign that said LAZY SCREENWRITER "SCIENCE" IN EFFECT HERE- WATCH OUT FOR PLOT DEVICES. The police, reaching the chain link fence, wrung their hands with anguish, unable to climb over it themselves.

Suddenly Marko fell into a giant bowl in the ground that he could not get out of. The scientists noticed his presence, but somehow assumed he was a bird and went ahead anyway. Somehow this ridiculous experiment turned him into a man made out of sand, or a "sand man." The Sandman looked at the locket he had of the little girl he didn't even know and vowed to steal the money for her, as he was obviously too foolish to actually legally support her.

After the date, Peter went to hang out at his Aunt May's house, where they swapped old war stories and played Go Fish.

"Got any… elevenses?" chirped his aunt obnoxiously while squinting at her cards.

"Go fish," said Peter, who enjoyed taking advantage of his aunt's dementia for personal gain. He considered it his most heroic quality in a long line of them. "You know, I'm planning to marry MJ."

"Why, Peter, how delightful!" hollered Aunt May, unable to hear herself without screeching like the old bat she was. "I remember when Uncle Ben asked me to marry him. We were on an island in the middle of the ocean and he reached over and threw me in a canoe and threatened to set me adrift if I didn't marry him and BLAH BLA BLAH BLA BLAH-" Peter edged nervously out of the room for fear of being eaten.

He was on his way home when a masked creature on a glider swooped down, picked him up and started smacking him all over the place. For some reason he did not shoot. Eventually they reached a pause in the action where the go-go-gadget-glider-rider revealed himself as Harry Osborn.

"Harry!" gasped Peter, although it had been incredibly obvious who this lunatic was. "I didn't kill your father!"

"Hmmm… how convenient that I refuse to accept this, and all it would take is for you to actually explain how it happened!" shrieked Harry as he threw Peter through a building, both of them crying hysterically. For whatever reason, Peter tried to save the ring Aunt May had given him instead of, you know, actually care about whether he died or not. The fight wore on in an orgy of CGI in an endless alley, before somehow Harry got clotheslined and hit his head.

"Harry? HARRY!" screamed Peter, as if he actually cared.

"Your friend has amnesia," said the doctor at the hospital to Peter. "This will conveniently take him out of the movie so Sandman can have some action… I mean, er… you have such nice friends, Harry."

"I'd die for them," said Harry before crying hysterically, in the clumsiest foreshadowing in any movie ever.

Spider-Man was walking around the street much later when Sandman showed up and started robbing an armored car. The actual amount of action in this scene was much less than the CGI budget for it, somehow, most likely due to Sandman's complexity. As Sandman went, he damaged a crane that almost killed the aforementioned Gwen Stacy. Spider-Man showed up, saved her in another CGI orgy, and basically forgot about Sandman. For whatever reason there was a festival to celebrate how Spider-Man saved ONE person's life, which he probably does every day.

"Kiss him!" encouraged the crowd. Gwen Stacy blushed and then passionately made out with Spider-Man, much to her boyfriend's disgust.

"It's not fair!" stormed Eddie Brock. "I mean, we never appeared in the same frame together, but we were a couple! We were meant to be!"

"Yeah, whatever, you're fired cause I hate you," J. J. Jameson said at the Daily Bugle.

"PARKER!" screamed Eddie Brock, crying hysterically, for whatever reason pinning all his problems on the other young man. MJ broke up with Peter, basically because Harry told her to. Everyone involved cried hysterically, except for a small dog.

"Yikes! Sandman's my uncle's real killer!" exclaimed Peter while… you guessed it. "Talk about retroactive continuity for the sake of justifying his presence in the movie! Better stay awake and listen for police scanner reports on him!" Peter soon grew exhausted and fell asleep. The virus snuck up on him and took over his suit… either that or it somehow formed a whole different suit. That wasn't really made clear. He started soaring around the city and then got in a fight with Sandman, which was supposed to make "Dark Spider-Man" seem evil but really didn't.

"Gasp! I'm allergic to water!" gulped Sandman as he was flushed away. "I guess all that inconvenient water vapor in the atmosphere doesn't apply or something… uh… and all the times I had to drink… um… I love you, random little girl…" he whined while being sucked away. Of course, he cried hysterically, but the tears for some reason did not make him melt like the Wicked Witch of the West.

As a side effect of the black suit, Peter turned into some kind of Saturday Night Fever freak that danced in the street and hit on random girls. He also acquired a ridiculous emo haircut that did not make him look any tougher. He took Gwen Stacy, the least developed character to ever appear in any movie, and started dancing with her in front of Mary Jane at a bar. Gwen broke up with him anyway so it didn't matter, but then he had a good reason to smack MJ in the face, which was really awesome.

"I guess we just totally skipped the obnoxious Bruce Campbell cameo in the French restaurant," mumbled Peter as he ran away, crying hysterically.

"Oui, certainement," Bruce Campbell said before sinking into the depths of chronic unemployment from whence he came. MJ began to cry hysterically and ran to Harry's house for emotional solace.

"Oh, Harry!" she bawled. "I don't know where I'd be without you!"

"Not here," mumbled Harry spitefully as they prepared breakfast while dancing to the twist very awkwardly. "So I guess we just forgot that whole me-turning-into-the-Goblin-and-choking-you thing?"

"I'd rather make out with you," she said, and started to. "I mean, oh God! What was I thinking?"

"I didn't mean to," lied Harry while watching her go. "Curses! Now who'll satisfy me? BERNARD?" he yelled upstairs to his butler, who wisely did not respond. "Oh well. Time to somehow recover all my memories by looking at a painting of my dad!" He did so, then Peter showed up and they began to fight. The camera shook to show that this was "real" fighting and not that fancy CGI stuff. This might have been cool if it had not been done in the Matrix Revolutions when Bane and Neo fought on the ship.

"Aw, man!" cried Harry hysterically. "Now I've got a scar all over my face! At least it's only bad enough so that I'm still moderately physically attractive! How… dare I say it? Convenient!"

In a church somewhere, Eddie Brock sat down and began crying hysterically. "Dear God, I've been humiliated by Peter Parker because I forged a picture and he ratted on me… that no-good-tattletale! It's as if I died something illegal! I want you to kill him for me… please… either that or give me the chance to get another job, I don't know."

Meanwhile, Peter swung into a bell tower, full of remorse and hysterical crying for his actions (although why he would feel bad about pimp-slapping MJ is beyond any normal person) and started ripping the costume off. Very coincidentally, this was the bell tower of the church Eddie Brock was in. Brock went to investigate when Peter started screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Ack! Gar! Whoa! Holy cow! Hey, baby! No! Yah!" roared Peter inarticulately. He rang the bell and figured out the virus' weakness- loud noises. Which definitely wasn't from Daredevil. Or just plain stupid. Some of the virus fell down and landed on Eddie.

"Oh no! Now I'm Venom! Time to negotiate a deal with Sandman and become a super-villain-tag-team-power-duo and… uh… wait, capture Mary Jane? WE DID THAT THE LAST TWO TIMES!" bellowed Eddie Brock.

"How does 15 million dollars sound?" hinted the director, who was obviously tired of the material.

"Er, perfect," stammered the actor playing Venom before doing just that. Sandman turned into a giant troll and rampaged around. With all the pieces for an epic battle, only one thing could result from this…

The butler coming with information there was no reason for him to know, or withhold until this point, and changing Harry's mind about fighting.

Or, crying hysterically.

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"Well, that was a horrific movie," Sonic groused as they drove back home.

"What? YE OLDE SONIC FOLLYE or SPIDER-MAN 3: CRYING HYSTERICALLY?" Knuckles asked.

"Both," grumped Shadow. "I just hope nobody ransacked our house while we were away."

"I certainly didn't," growled Tails.

"Tails? What are you doing here?" they asked, confused.

"Cream rejected me in favor of White Boy McGee," Tails complained. Meanwhile, Metal Sonic grabbed the items that had been on the list and searched in a frenzy for that last, vital item: the Click DVD, unaware of what had truly happened…

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This chapter was really short and the Sonic part was just kind of placeholder, but more will come soon. I just had to vent my feelings about Spider-Man 3. Expect more in a few weeks.