By Mickey
STORY STATUS: Completed 4/11/07
SPOILERS: Abyss, small one for Need
CONTENT LEVEL: Language
WORD COUNT: 1,999
As I sit here in my lab and listen to Janet's report, I feel the rage build again.
It's been five days since the colonel came home, stumbling down the ramp. The Alpha site had notified us minutes after the colonel had arrived, that he had made it. We expected him to come through on a gurney with a medical team.
We should have known better.
He came back shaky and looking like he'd been to hell and back and there again. From the state of his clothes and the look on his face, I'd say he'd been through much, much worse than that.
He seemed OK those first two days, a little snippy but nothing out of the ordinary for him, until he'd fallen asleep. He's been having violent nightmares that have him writhing and screaming in agony in his bed. Then he wakes up to hallucinations that are even more violent. None of us are allowed in his room, not even the general. The only exception is Teal'c. He's the only one who can calm the colonel without hurting him. And without Janet having to drug him to the gills.
Okay, so she's already had to drug him several times, but at least with Teal'c there, she's been able to get away with giving him just a mild sedative.
The ban had started yesterday morning. It wasn't one thing that had caused Janet to enforce it, but a series of incidents.
The first incident had occurred the night before last when the colonel had suddenly woken from a seemingly sound sleep, jumped out of bed screaming in a foreign language, and launched himself at Jonas. If Teal'c hadn't been there, I have no doubt the colonel would have snapped Jonas' neck like a twig. The look on Colonel O'Neill's face when he finally calmed down and realized what he almost did was disheartening.
Still being new to the team, Jonas hasn't experienced one of the colonel's episodes like that before, so I know it rattled him badly. He handled it well though, all things considered. I know Jonas doesn't blame the colonel for what happened. To his credit, he came back the next day to sit with him and us, without displaying even the slightest hint of fear. If the colonel remembers the incident later, however, he will not be so easy on himself. Hopefully, the bruises on Jonas' neck will fade away before they see each other again. As they say, out of sight, out of mind.
I hope.
The second was early the next morning. We had all remained by the colonel's side, no one willing to leave him. He had a nightmare. A pretty damn bad one judging by the tossing and turning and half muttered curses. Granted, he was speaking in a foreign language, but it's pretty clear he was cursing.
I never would have believed the colonel could move so fast if I hadn't seen it my self.
Poor Jonas was the target of his assault again. I don't think it was, in any way, intentional on the colonel's part. Jonas just happened to be the closest to him. You know what they say, in the wrong place at the wrong time. This time, however, Jonas was prepared. He threw his arms up defensively and managed to, just barely, deflect the colonel's attack. Teal'c grabbed him and Janet sedated him quickly. Lucky for us she already had the needle ready and close by. After the first time, I guess she wasn't taking any chances.
The sedative didn't last nearly as long as it should have. Not even three hours later the colonel was semi-lucid. His eyes were open, but it wasn't us or the infirmary he saw. I don't think we'll ever know what it was that he did see, but the general was the next unfortunate victim.
He took us all by surprise that time. General Hammond had been sitting next to the colonel, speaking in soft soothing tones like he uses with his granddaughters. Colonel O'Neill was staring straight ahead seeming to not hear a word the general said. Then the general put his hand on the colonel's shoulder. If he hadn't also happened to be standing up at the same time, he'd be in an infirmary bed right beside Colonel O'Neill. I don't think we'll ever find out just how the colonel got hold of that scalpel, or how long he'd had it. The strike was lightning fast and, luckily, only caught the general's shirt. He'd needed a new shirt and, possibly, a new pair of shorts after that.
That had been the last straw.
I feel so damn useless. Just like when this happened to Daniel. Only worse. At least with Daniel we knew approximately how many times he'd been put into the sarcophagus. Not that that really helps all that much. With the colonel, we have no idea and most likely never will. Daniel's withdrawal, while violent and hard on all of us, was tame compared to what the colonel is going through. Daniel didn't have the nightmares Colonel O'Neill does.
I realize that I will never know just what Ba'al did to him. He'll never tell us, nor will Janet or the General. And I'm pretty sure I really don't want to know.
The scary thing is I don't think Teal'c even has an idea of what was done to Colonel O'Neill.
"Sam?" Janet puts a hand on my shoulder. That and her concerned voice break my train of thought.
"Shit," I exclaim as I look at the boiling mess that was my most recent experiment. I mutter a steady stream of curses that would make the colonel proud but would make any nun blush while shoving me towards the nearest confessional, as I quickly shut off the heat and dump the remains of my project into a nearby sink. It was an interesting experiment, but, thankfully, not an important one.
Janet is staring at me, her expression an odd mixture of concern and laughter.
"Sorry, Janet. You were saying."
"I had to give him a very strong sedative last night. Strong enough to knock him out for most of the night. I think I might have to remove Teal'c from the infirmary."
Shocked, I ask, "What? Why?"
"The colonel had a nightmare last night." Okay, nothing new there. Seeing the look on my face, she continues quickly. "He woke up fighting, as he usually does, but instead of being calmed by Teal'c's presence, he reacted even more violently. He actually managed to get the upper hand on Teal'c, briefly, and broke his nose."
I know my eyebrows are doing a stellar expression of Teal'c's as I stare at Janet in stunned silence. I don't know what to say to that.
She continues.
"The worst part is, when Teal'c managed to get the colonel under control . . ." She pauses, lost in her thoughts, and I wait patiently for to continue. "Sam, the look on his face when Teal'c pinned him to the floor, I've never seen him look so . . . defeated. It was so damn heart breaking, Sam!" Janet growls in frustration. "I don't know how else to help him! I have to watch how much sedative I give him. In the past, it wasn't much of a concern because he almost always immediately relaxed at the sound of Teal'c's voice. What am I going to do if I have to remove him from the infirmary as well?"
She answers her own question before I can even open my mouth. "I'll have to restrain him." She says angrily and slams her fist on my lab table. "I really, really, don't want to have to do that, Sam, but I don't think I'm going to have a choice. I moved him into one of the private rooms a few hours ago."
Actually, I'm surprised she didn't do it right after the incident with General Hammond. When the colonel is seriously injured, Janet usually puts him in a private room to protect her staff as much as his privacy and dignity.
I swear, if I ever come face to face with Ba'al, I'll cut his fucking nuts off and feed them to him! Then I'll string him up by his thumbs and watch with glee as he slowly bleeds out. The military and the Powers That Be, be damned! Oops. Not very professional, or lady-like there, Sam.
Crap! By the shocked look on Janet's face, I didn't just think that.
The look disappears quickly. "Stand in line," she says grimly. "I've got first dibs at that bastard."
I've never seen that kind of murderous look in Janet's eyes before. I pray I never have to see it again.
Yup, definitely said that out loud. I'm thinking it's probably a good thing the general isn't within earshot. I think that might possibly be considered insubordination. Maybe not, but why take the chance?
We're both silent for a few minutes, each of us lost in our own thoughts and feelings of guilt and rage. He shouldn't have to be dealing with this. I should have figured it out sooner. Hell, I never should have convinced him to become a host to that bastard Kanan. God damn snake. He only did it because I begged him to.
She breaks the silence first and startles me again. "It isn't your fault, Sam."
I glare at her. "Like hell it isn't, Janet! I should have figured it out sooner. I should have found a way to get him out of there. I'm supposed to be the frigging genius here! He only did it because I fucking begged him to."
"And," Janet interrupts, "because he knew General Hammond would order it anyway and he didn't want to have to put the general in that position."
Well, yeah, there's that, but I'm not ready to have my guilt assuaged so easily.
"I know you feel guilty about what has happened to him and your inability to help him right now, but this wasn't your fault. You know the colonel will kick your butt from one end of this base to the other if he finds out you're even thinking that way. Think about it, Sam." She lays a reassuring hand on my shoulder and I can't help but smile.
"Yeah."
"The important thing is that we all be there to help him pick up the pieces when this part is over.
That's when he'll need us the most. Although we both know damn well he will never admit it."
"I know. It's just so damn hard not being able to help him through this now." Not to mention frustrating as all hell to say the least. Janet knows that better than any of us. She can shoo us, or as in the current case, outright ban us from the infirmary, but she has no choice but to stand by and watch as he suffers. As helpless as I feel, I know its worse for her. First, do no harm. For Janet, nothing is worse, or a more flagrant violation of that oath, than doing nothing.
"I have to get back to the infirmary. Meet me at the commissary in two hours for lunch?"
Food is the last thing on my mind right now, but we both need the nourishment, and the distraction, so I nod my agreement.
I start to get another experiment ready, gathering the materials I'll need. My heart just isn't in it though. Half an hour, and three shattered beakers later, I give up and head for the gym. Ever since the colonel staggered home, I've had an overwhelming urge to beat the living crap out of something. I'd better take care of that. Soon.
No matter what happens, or what he says, when he's through the withdrawal, he won't face the next part of the fight alone. His team, his friends, his family will always be here for him no matter what.
Always.
TBC