Sonic Insanity

This chapter title continues the tradition of Dead Kennedys-themed titles. Review, and thanks for waiting for such a long time!

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"I'm home from getting groceries!" announced Knuckles as he dumped the 8 cases of beer and the combo pack of potato chips on the kitchen table. "Ah, the glory of being a bachelor. Now where is everybody?" As was the custom on Grocery Day, each person got to pick out a small treat whenever groceries were bought. Since nobody had helped him go get groceries, Knuckles had been in a very ungenerous mood, so he had gotten them all terrible treats. Tails' treat was a monster truck tire and two dead tree branches. Sonic's treat was a hammock made out of duct tape, a dirty old volleyball, and a giant bag of sand. Shadow's treat was a tub of ice cream that Knuckles had melted, sprinkled ground cayenne and jalapeno peppers into, stirred, and then refrozen. Knuckles' treat, on the other hand, was a massive gold Rolex.

"Cash in my pockets, jewelry on my wrist, diamond rings on my fingers and platinum on my fist," he rapped, lobbing the ice cream into the freezer as hard as he possibly could. "Internationally famous, everybody likes me, number one on the chart, positively guaranteed… now where are these people?" He went into his bedroom and deposited the "treats" there, deciding to look for Tails first. "Hmmm… maybe he's in the living room."

Sure enough, he found Tails in there, but with a most unwelcome guest considering the circumstances; Rouge. They were entwined precariously on the couch, articles of clothing lying in all sorts of unlikely places. At the sight of him, both looked scared and sheepish.

"WHOA! WHOA! Time out! Calm down!" Knuckles instructed briskly. "This is NOT the way things happened! Here's how I recall events." He pulled the clothes-deficient Rouge off the couch and draped her over his body in a suggestive posture. "So, Rouge, you were right there… now Tails, I think you were right there." Knuckles pulled Tails to his feet, positioned the fox in a standing posture, and then aimed his own fist directly at the fox's nose. "Now this is more like it!" he nodded approvingly. "Let's take things from the top!"

After Tails had been given the beating of his life, and Rouge was safely clothed and out of the house, Knuckles searched around for Sonic and Shadow.

"Where are they?" he growled, as Tails hobbled unsteadily out of the wrecked living room. "I've looked everywhere!"

"Maybe they're in your room," groaned Tails uneasily.

"Did I ask for your opinion?" seethed Knuckles, red with wrath.

"OK, fine, don't take my suggestion, let's see if you ever find them," sneered Tails.

Knuckles stewed with utter fury for a few moments and decided to compromise by smacking Tails in the face and walking to his bedroom. Not really expecting much, his jaw dropped as he witnessed the horrible sight.

Sonic and Shadow were in his room. So were two hundred other people, and they were all having a beach party. The "treats" had been put to good use. The sand Knuckles had gotten Sonic was sprinkled all over the floor. The duct tape hammock had been stretched between the two dead tree branches to form a volleyball court, where many people were enthusiastically playing with the volleyball Knuckles had bought. Still more people were eating from a massive buffet line, all enthusiastically enjoying the jalapeno ice cream. Worst of all, the truck tire was resting on its side, filled to the top with water, where several people were using it as a hot tub. Two of these people were Sonic and Shadow.

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??" screamed Knuckles over the blasting stereo system. "Where did you get all these people? Why is there a beach party in my room?"

"The summer, Knuckles," Shadow informed him, sipping from a tall tropical cocktail, "is no time for anger and frustration. It's supposed to be for relieving stress and relaxing. Don't be so upset!"

"UPSET? Maybe I wouldn't be upset if you hadn't decided to stage a beach party, in my room, without telling- are those palm trees?"

"Well, let's just not say that they're not palm trees…"

"You see, Knuckles," explained Sonic kindly as a nubile young coed nibbled his ear, "you really brought this on yourself. You bought us these treats expecting us to be mad. It's only fair for us to try to turn the situation around!"

"I've endured nothing but stress and treachery since I got home!" bellowed Knuckles. "First I catch Tails cheating on my girl, now I find you somehow having a beach party in my room! Couldn't you have asked me first?"

"Um, no, actually," Shadow admitted.

"WHY NOT?"

"We wanted it to be a surprise!"

"YOU JUST ADMITTED THAT YOU ONLY DID THIS IN ORDER TO GET BACK AT ME FOR GIVING YOU BAD TREATS!" screamed Knuckles. "How could you have planned this as a surprise?"

"Well, in that case, we just didn't want to tell you because we knew you wouldn't be as mad!" Sonic invented wildly.

"Even if she complains!" Shadow helpfully added.

Knuckles stuttered for several seconds. He was literally overcome by confusion and rage. There was no vocalization, capitalized or otherwise, that could properly indicate the tempest of anger that was building up inside of him. And then it barreled out of his throat, like a lava flow boiling up and peeling the skin from his throat, an unbearably harsh scream fueled by the accumulated pain and agony of a million hell-scalded souls. In short, it sounded like any given moment of Rihanna singing.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhh!" he howled in a colossal nuclear blast of fury.

"You Americans speak rubbish!" smirked Sonic, as if he were any less American that Knuckles, in a very racist foreign accent. "We have no nuclear missiles! I can't understand what you're saying!"

"He lied to my damn face!" growled Shadow, then added, "even if she complains" in subdued tones.

"Telegram, sir!" called a servant standing at the door.

"Why, thank you, Percy," smirked Shadow, intercepting the telegram. He took several minutes to bask in the glory and awesomeness of receiving a telegram before Sonic snatched it from him and ripped it open. Shadow immediately began to cry.

"Awww, poor little mama's boy!" chuckled Knuckles benevolently. Suddenly a loud wobbling noise started echoing around the room. Sonic's lip was trembling.

"Sonic, what is it? What's the telegram say?" asked Tails, strolling nonchalantly into the room.

"We've been drafted!" wailed Sonic.

"Into the military? Why?" asked the red echidna confusedly. "There ain't no draft yet!"

"Apparently there is!" Sonic whined. "Look! We're all officially part of the Army now!"

"Where are we fighting? Iraq?" asked Tails.

"No… France!"

"WHAT? Why are we at war with France?"

"Apparently Bush was tired of their fancy liberal elitist ways," growled Shadow, "which apparently include not going to war over oil and having a cuisine that does not center around French Fry night at the miniature golf course."

"Or Freedom Fry, anyway," corrected some guest at the beach party.

"So what do we do?" inquired Shadow.

"I guess we'll have to go," Sonic cried. "We have no choice!"

"We could always dodge the draft," suggested Tails.

"How? Move to Canada or Mexico! Bah!" sneered the ethnocentric Knuckles.

"Well, er, uh…" stammered Shadow meticulously.

Suddenly the wall caved in, showering everybody with rubble. The furry, furious foursome yelped and ran for cover as plaster dust showered through the air. A menacing silhouette became visible through the choking smoke, the silhouette of a tank. The long barrel entered the room, sweeping around for mutinous types. Tails grew angry as he saw a very familiar symbol on the tank- the image of a man's head. The man was wearing sunglasses and a large, crooked mustache.

"Eggman!" screamed the foursome in unison as the man himself emerged from the cockpit of the tank, grinning toothily. There was something far worse about this Eggman than ever before. He was wearing a green Army helmet and was toting a rifle in his meaty paws. Even worse, he had a walkie-talkie on his belt and several hand grenades. But the worst thing about this spectacle was his chest. It was covered in a suit that was, in turn, covered all over with military decorations of all shapes and sizes. Purple Hearts, Medals of Honor, Gold Stars… they littered his broad shirtfront like crumbs from some epic feast. The sheer idea of Eggman winning any such awards, or of him having enough bravery or fighting skill to win them was a vile and contemptible thought.

"What are you doing here? Have you been drafted into the army too?" asked Sonic uncertainly.

Eggman looked around for a moment, unable to believe what he was seeing. "That's General Eggman to yew, bootlickahs! This ahmy recognizes only complete and uttah deference to yer commanding officahs!"

"WHAT?" screeched the quartet.

Eggman cleared his throat, dispensed with the absurd accent, and tried again. "You're in the Army now, privates! No avoiding the draft, and absolutely no disrespecting your commanding officer! Now heave to, we're going to boot camp!"

A terrible reality was piecing together in Knuckles' mind. "Wait… so the Army we were drafted into… that was your army!"

They all cringed as Eggman blew at an ear-splitting volume and pitch into a metal whistle he had around his neck. He continued to blow for several more seconds before resuming. "The Egg Army is a fine fighting corps! We're going to war against the renowned villains Sonic the Hedgehog, Knuckles the Echidna, Shadow the Hedgehog and Tails the Flying Runt! You've been conscripted into service! Now do your patriotic duty!"

"If you're going to war against us, how do you expect us to fight on your side?" Shadow questioned.

"Traitors, eh?" screamed Eggman. "I see you've defected to the other side!"

"IF YOU START A WAR AGAINST US, WE'RE AUTOMATICALLY THE OTHER SIDE!" Tails howled. "Have you-"

TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEET! Eggman's whistle blatted at an unbelievably irritating frequency.

"Enough! I won't tolerate this sort of insubordination!" roared Eggman, mottled purple in the face. "You think you've won this time, but my Egg Army is more than just one tank! We are a legion to be taken seriously!"

"I think being taken seriously sort of stopped working as soon as you joined," Sonic jeered.

Eggman went from mottled purple to a color so dark it appeared black. And not African-American black, but literally so dark it appeared like the color black. "RESPECT YOUR ENEMY!"

"I have no respect for you, and neither does anybody else here," growled Sonic.

"I have a little bit…"

"Shut up, Tails, if anybody wanted your opinion we would have acknowledged your presence," seethed Knuckles.

"Well, maybe I should just join Eggman's side then!" Tails grumbled angrily.

"Ah-ah-ah! Not so fast!" cackled Eggman. "You must be this tall to ride the bandwagon!" He laughed hysterically at his own wit.

"Your side has nothing to do with the bandwagon!" Tails shouted. "In fact, it's essentially the opposite, since nobody really wants to join!"

"And why would you purposefully alienate the only people who are willing to support you?" asked Shadow.

"Well, you see," said Eggman, and then suddenly he and the tank were gone.

"Anyway," Sonic said uncertainly.

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PLEASE READ THIS! THIS IS IMPORTANT!

I am offering an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for the next chapter. Starting today, you can submit the next chapter for Sonic Insanity! Just send it to my e-mail just copy-paste it into a PM. DO NOT POST IT IN A REVIEW. Other than that, here are the only guidelines:

Must be T-rated or below. If not and I think yours is the best submission, I will edit out bad content.

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Must end in a way that ties up the plot for that chapter, so I don't have to write the next chapter about it.

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