STORY STATUS: Completed 5/10/07
WORD COUNT: 2,154
AUTHORS NOTE: I really hadn't planned to do a Daniel POV, but he insisted he be allowed to "visit" Jack. He was really rather pushy about it. Well . . . it was more like a pleading, annoying, whine! My muse threatened to strike if I didn't shut Danny Boy up, so I finally relented. And here we go . . .
I shouldn't be here. That's what she'll say if she finds out.
I don't care.
She'll say that I need to let go of my old life and move on.
I can't. I won't.
He's my best friend. I need to be here for him, even he if doesn't realize it's me. Maybe, if I don't stay long, she won't know I've been here. After all, she's not omnipotent.
Well, I'm pretty sure she's not. Like I said, I don't care. I won't abandon Jack when he needs me. He's always been there for me when I needed him. He stayed with me the whole time when I went through sarcophagus withdrawal, all through the vomiting and retching, through the cursing and the self-doubt, and the begging. God, did I beg for more of it, anything to end the pain. Jack never said much through the whole ordeal, but he was a strong physical presence. All pretence of male pride put aside, he was there to hold me when I needed to feel the touch of another human being. He was there to rub my back through the retching and vomiting. He let me know that I wasn't alone.
I don't remember all of it, but I remember a good deal. Janet says that Jack is the only one I would let get close to me. I kinda feel bad that I excluded Sam and Teal'c even after Janet let me go home, but they'd said they understood. I know they meant it.
Jack's not much of a talker (and isn't that the understatement of the century), and I wasn't really comfortable with McKenzie, so I spent quite a bit of time talking to Sam and, to a lesser extent, Teal'c. Teal'c's not much of a talker either, but he doesn't clam up like Jack does.
Oh yeah, and the guilt. Don't forget the guilt. Christ! I still can't believe I almost shot Jack! It's a good thing I was not that good of a shot back then. I'm not sure when I became "warrior archeologist", it happened gradually over the years, but that's because of Jack too. Sam and Teal'c also helped me a lot in that regard. But it was mostly Jack.
He insisted I learn how to shoot properly. He taught me about jungle tactics and stealth, and he did it with an amazing amount of patience and understanding. Unless it had to do with people or cultures that had existed thousands of years ago, I'm a very poor student. Jack just kept pushing. Any one else would have given up on me in the first week. Most wouldn't have even bothered trying. He saw something in me that no one else did. I wouldn't say that I'm proud of what I had to become in order to stay on the team, but it was necessary. And I am proud of Jack for taking up the challenge and not giving up on me.
He really surprised me at times. For about the first year-and-a-half, they had me out of the firing range, the paintball course, the obstacle course, or the confidence course at least once a month, when we had the time. There were several times when Sam and Teal'c looked like they wanted to strangle me. Or worse. But Jack never once raised his voice. Never got angry or upset or tried to humiliate me. He remained patient and calm at all times.
I think he had an ulterior motive to those training sessions. He always made out that they were for my benefit alone, but they forged an unbreakable bond of friendship between the four of us and taught us how to function as a team. I swear there were times we could almost read each other's minds.
He also worked on hand-to-hand combat with me a little, but he mostly let Teal'c and Sam deal with that part of it. Not that Jack isn't damn good at it, but I think that was his way of making sure Sam and Teal'c felt included. Besides, he'd told me once, sometimes a woman really could teach a man a thing or two about self-defense. I think he was just really, really impressed with her fight against Turghan on Simarka. And not just because she was a woman going against a bigger opponent, who just happened to be a man.
I don't know what's worse, watching what Ba'al did to him at the fortress, or watching what the withdrawal is doing to him now. He was pale and a little thinner than usual when he gated home, but now he looks like death warmed over. And I still can't do anything to help him. I feel so damn useless. He's so out of it right now, he doesn't even realize that I'm here.
I've been here for several hours and have tried to talk to him a couple of times, but he has yet to even look at me. I know he heard me because he looked in my direction when I spoke to him, but I know it wasn't my voice he heard and wasn't me he saw. He just mutters incoherently or screams in a foreign language.
I've known he speaks Arabic for years now, I've heard him muttering it when he's been sick or injured before and had nightmares. And once or twice when he wasn't confined to the infirmary. I've wondered, at those times, what could possibly have triggered the nightmare, especially when the mission had been relatively routine and boring (boring to Jack, anyway). But he never told me he speaks Spanish and Chinese. I wonder how many others he speaks?
He's a hell of a lot smarter than he lets on. But then, Sam, Teal'c, and I have suspected that to be true for a long time now. I have to admit; he does the "dumb colonel" act very, very well. As Sam explained to me once shortly after SG-1 was formed, you have to have a bachelor's degree to become an officer. Still, I never would have guessed that he knew another language other than Arabic.
The worst part of this is that he has become so violent that Janet has had to put the restraints on him. If there's anything Jack hates more than being injured or sick, it's being restrained. Unfortunately, it is necessary now. He was having a nightmare again about two hours ago. Teal'c tried to restrain him. He seemed to be calming Jack down, until Jack actually looked at him. He stared at Teal'c's tattoo for a minute then went totally ballistic. I still can't believe he actually broke Teal'c's nose (apparently for the second time) and gave him a black eye! It took Teal'c and three SF's to finally hold him still (sorta) long enough for Janet to get the restraints on him.
I tried to help him, to talk to him. But, just like when I first got here, it wasn't me he saw.
I can't believe Janet actually had to remove Teal'c from the room. I should have seen it coming. I know what Ba'al's Jaffa did to him. I saw what he did to the Jaffa in the corridor.
He's been sleeping quietly since then. Janet pumped him up with enough sedatives to knock him out for several hours at least. Or so she hopes.
I sit here quietly and just watch him sleep for about half an hour. He's getting restless again now. Tossing his head a bit and lashing out at enemies only he can see.
I want to help him, but I don't know how.
He mumbles something completely incoherent then goes quiet. After a minute, he's still again.
So I continue to sit quietly, watching him sleep and thinking.
"You should not be here, Daniel. You know the rules."
I'm so lost in my own thoughts I nearly jump out of my skin at the sound of Oma's voice.
"I promised I'd stay with him."
"Yes," she agrees, "you did. But he is home now, safe, with people who can give him the care he needs. There is nothing you can do for him now. Your voice does not sooth him. When he looks at you, it is not your face he sees. It is time to go, Daniel."
I know she's right. There's nothing I can do for him right now. I don't care what she, or the Others, think or say, I will be back. He's my friend.
These people are my friends. I can't, I won't, stay away.
"Just give me a few more minutes." I'm not pleading. Not really.
She nods then is gone.
I know I'm going to get an earful about this whole thing eventually. I've been avoiding Oma like the plague since I learned about what was happening to Jack. I didn't really interfere. I didn't stop Ba'al from hurting him. Didn't stop him from burning my best friend to death with acid. Didn't stop him from hurling those damn knives at him again, and again, and again, or from literally dropping him in a sarcophagus after each "session" to revive him.
Technically, I didn't interfere with Jonas, Sam, or Teal'c either. I didn't help them, didn't actually say a word to them. I just . . . pointed them in the right direction.
I didn't see very much of what was done to Jack, didn't stick around to watch. From what I did see though, I have some very nasty images floating around in my mind. Looking at his clothes makes it very clear what he went through at the hands of that bastard.
Despite that, I couldn't do what Jack asked. I was already severely bending the rules just by being there and talking to him. Allowing him to see me. I couldn't help him escape. They would have stopped me. I know it. If They didn't, Oma would have just to cover her own butt. After all, she's the one who helped me ascend.
I sure as hell would never do what Jack wanted me to do after a few rounds of torture then death. How could I possibly kill my best friend? Some people may consider me to be weak because of that. They'd say I did have the guts to "pull the trigger" so to speak. I don't give a damn what they think. It would have been murder. I couldn't do it.
God damn him for even asking or for putting me in that position!
Damn Ba'al for hurting Jack so badly that he'd actually beg for death. Mister "There's always another way."
He'll be pissed as all hell with me when he wakes up. I doubt he'll remember that I was with him here at the base, but I know, eventually, he'll remember that I was there with him at Ba'al's fortress. He'll probably understand and forgive me for not helping him escape. After he's had time to cool off. But I doubt he'll ever forgive me for letting him keep waking up in a sarcophagus, for not letting him stay dead.
I don't care. He's alive and he will be okay. That's all that matters to me. So what if he's pissed about the how and why of it? I. Don't. Care.
Why wouldn't that stubborn bastard let me help him ascend? I don't care what anyone thinks about what he's done in the past. He, more than anyone, even myself, deserves to ascend. He's has so much darkness in his soul that he can never get rid of. I know that, but there is so much light there as well. He is not the heartless killer he tries to portray himself as. Those of us, who really know him, know that. He thinks he deserves all the crap life has thrown at him over the years. All of the heartache and pain. All he can see is all of the horrible things he's been forced to do in the name of God and Country. He can't see any of the good. But that's just the way he is.
And I have my answer. That's why he wouldn't let me help him. He doesn't think he deserves the opportunity. Doesn't think he's worthy.
He's wrong. So very wrong.
Besides, even if he did accept it, he'd have been kicked out in about two hours flat. Jack is a man of action. He can't sit there and just watch all of the injustice, all pain and suffering inflicted upon people throughout the universe. He'd do everything in his power to kill the Goa'uld. And the Other's would have stopped him.
Even keeping all of that in mind, I did the right thing.
I know I did the right thing.
Didn't I?
Didn't I?
TBC