STORY STATUS: Completed 6/2/07
WORD COUNT: 1,145
I feel a little guilty. This is the first time I've been down to see Colonel O'Neill since the attack. As commander of this facility, I can't just drop everything and come running down here whenever I feel like it. I have responsibilities. What I want is irrelevant.
I can't believe it's been a week. Technically, I'm not visiting him now. Doctor Fraiser still won't let anyone other than herself and a select few nurses into the room with him. Instead, I'm sitting at said doctor's desk watching Jack on the monitor connected to the video camera in his room.
It's been hard, not being able to drop in and see him this past week, but the base has been pretty busy. This, though, this is even harder. When I first met Colonel Jack O'Neill, retired, as he was quick to point out, my feelings were mixed. He was so damn cocky and self-assured I wanted to knock him down a peg or two. There was just something about him though. Something special. For someone who had lost everything, he was so passionate about the people of Abydos. He made me believe that sending another nuke was the wrong thing to do when I had, just a few minutes before, been so thoroughly convinced it was right. I put my trust in him at that moment, I have been doing it ever since, and I have never once regretted it. In the past six years (aggravating though he can be), Jack O'Neill has gone far beyond a trusted, loyal, and respected officer, to one of the best friends I have ever had.
The colonel is never really still, not even when he's unconscious, but he rarely ever thrashes around wildly like he has been since the hallucinations and nightmares started. The restraints are strained to the point where they look like they'll snap any minute now. Stuck in the throws of yet another nightmare, he's fighting enemies only he can see. Whether this nightmare is of what Ba'al has done to him, or of something from his past, I'll never know. I don't really think I want to either.
The good doctor has been keeping me up to speed on the colonel's condition as much as she can. I'm not the only one who's been busy. Physically, he came back with barely a mark on him. He had a few cuts and bruises on his knuckles, arms, and upper body, but they were all minor. The withdrawal has been hell on him, but Doctor Fraiser expects him to make a full recovery.
Physically.
Mentally, now that's another story. He's in for half-a-dozen counseling sessions with MacKenzie. At least.
I feel sorry for MacKenzie.
Everybody's playing the blame game right now, especially the members of SG-1, and it's themselves they're blaming. They all feel responsible, even Jonas. Ayiana cured him then was too weak to cure the colonel. He thinks she should have helped Jack first. If I know O'Neill, he told her to heal Jonas first. That's just the way Jack is. His team comes first. I think Jonas has begun to grow on him, just a little bit, these past few months.
Besides, his team always comes first despite his personal feelings for any one individual. Major Carter feels responsible because she pressured Jack into accepting the symbiote. He did say no at first and only seemed to give in when she'd begged. He would have done it anyway, no matter who had asked, if for no other reason then to not leave his team behind. Then there's Teal'c. I think he feels guilty for leaving Jack alone with the Tok'ra.
The fact is though; the fault lies with one man. Well, okay, two. The sadistic bastard who did this to him, and me. O'Neill may have agreed to the blending, but I let it happen. I let the Tok'ra take him. I could have stopped it. I should have insisted the blending occur here. That way, at least, I could have monitored the situation. The Tok'ra could have had their privacy to access Kanan's knowledge and I could have kept an eye on Jack.
Coulda, shoulda, woulda, but didn't.
I think there's another reason why Jack made the decision to accept the symbiote. He knew, even if he'd said no, I would have ordered it anyway. He's to damn valuable. We need him. With his experience and leadership ability, I can't afford to lose him. He didn't want to burden me with that kind of decision, so he made it on his own.
Even if I could change the past, I wouldn't. Not all of it. I wouldn't have stopped the blending. The Tok'ra would never have agreed to stay here to do the blending, but I would have allowed Teal'c to stay with them. O'Neill is too important to this program, to the planet, and to his team. No one else could have taken three of the most unlikely people and made them into a formidable front line team. No one else could have taken three total strangers and made them a family.
I know Jack would understand why I haven't been down to see him. Even on a "quiet" day, I'm usually up to my eyeballs in paper work. There hasn't been a quiet day since the colonel stumbled back through that gate over a week ago. If he was even coherent enough to know what was going on around him that is.
The whole base is feeling this. Even those who don't particularly like him, respect the colonel immensely.
I swear, if I ever get my hands on Ba'al, I'll kill him.
Slowly.
Same thing goes for that cocky ass Tok'ra, Thoran. I still can't believe he had the nerve to try to blame this on Jack. Like there's anything Jack would have been able to do to stop Kanan once the symbiote had made up its mind.
Jack begins to struggle again. I turn up the volume on the monitor and immediately regret it as Jack lets out with a soul-shattering scream. Then he's deathly silent. A few seconds later, he lets out with another scream.
Then begins the cursing.
"You sonofabitch! How many fucking times do I have to tell you I don't know a God damn thing before you get it through your thick skull. I. Don't. Know. ANYTHING!"
Then he's just screaming again and I have to turn the volume off.
They say "what ever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". In Jack's case, that's always been the truth. He has the uncanny ability to bounce back from some of the worst physical and mental abuse the universe can throw at him. Things that no one should ever have to go through.
For all our sakes, I pray that goes for this experience as well.
TBC