Sonic Insanity
UPDATE: Headwater Daddy's story, The French Man With A Russian Accent, is now up on his profile! Read it and give him a review for my sake! Here's the /1/TheFrenchManWithARussianAccent
Put that in without the spaces and enjoy a chapter of randomness! Enjoy it, guys!
This is seriously the last chapter, people! These are just the voting results I received! Review, and have a good one!
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BEST ACTOR
"And the runner-up is… Shadow the Hedgehog!"
Shadow sidled up to the stage, giving the unappreciated Sonic a wide grin. Sonic tried not to break the table in half.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he began, grinning widely. "Allow me to say what an honor it is to be here, what a pleasure, what a-"
"Next."
"What do you mean, next?" raged Shadow. "There were no other runners-up!"
"How would you know?" said Mecha, who was co-commentating the award ceremonies along with Headwater Daddy. "Did you witness the voting ballots?"
"I certainly didn't show them to him," Headwater Daddy muttered, eying a box of dead trout longingly.
"Er, uh…" gibbered Shadow frantically.
"And the winner is…" Mecha stopped to pick something from between his teeth. Headwater Daddy suddenly grew very focused and intense, staring directly at Mecha. Mecha pulled out a crumb from between his teeth, and Headwater Daddy slumped in his seat, disappointed that it was not a cat.
"The winner," continued Mecha, "is-"
"I WAS THE WINNER!" screamed Eggman, blotchy and mottled in the face.
"Eggman, you received 1 vote," reported Metal Sonic, smirking.
"Lies!" the fat man yelled. "There's no reason I shouldn't be victorious!"
"Stay away from my sister!" Headwater Daddy informed them, jumping onto the table and putting on a pair of shades. Somehow he thought they made him look cool. Instead he looked horrifying. There was something about the sight of Headwater Daddy looking confident and in control that was chilling to any sane being.
"I'll find it," he muttered, searching through the plates and food on the table, "I will! There's no way it can escape! Not even the fabled Spelunking Tweezers of Fence-Hopper McGee could evade my," he paused for effect, glaring over the tops of his shades, "poisson de la votre sculpteur du fromage."
"What did he say?" they all asked Mecha Scorpion, the sole French speaker. He shook his head, petrified and unwilling to give the answer. Headwater Daddy gave a great roar of happiness as he found what he was looking for.
"The winner for Best Actor is…" He smirked and pulled a very familiar figure from under a plate. "Tails!"
"TAILS? Why were you hiding there?" they all chorused, astonished.
"He kidnapped me!" growled Tails, pointing at Headwater Daddy.
"Me?" he queried, trying to look innocent while cackling hysterically. "What would I want with a little fox boy?"
Everybody shivered at the thought of what he might want, before returning to the Best Actor category.
"Anyway, Tails won, so…" said Knuckles, clearly trying to change the subject. Tails humphed and sat down.
"Best actress runner-up goes to Sonic's mother!" crowed Mecha, clearly overjoyed at Sonic's second look of rage. Sonic's mother, a very shabbily dressed tart of a woman, lounged forward and leaned in to give Mecha a kiss. Somehow, Headwater Daddy managed to slip in between them at the last second, intercepting the kiss. Mecha was furious.
"Thanksh, boysh," she slurred, drinking from a bottle of tequila. Shadow was by now laughing so hard that he was curled up in a puddle of tears, silently howling with mirth. "I gotta shay, orfully odd crowd tonight, eh? Not a one of 'em's fondled me breasts yet!"
Shadow's eyes bulged and he appeared to be in actual pain from laughing so hard. Sonic, to contrast this, was madder than he had ever been. He bounded over to his mother'
"This ain't the real woman!" he declared, exposing the zipper running through her skin and yanking on. "She's just a cover up for… WHAT?"
Out of the extremely realistic Sonic's mother body suit stepped another, identical, Sonic's mother. The room burst into laughter as she lurched forward to receive her award.
"It wash getting orfully hot in there!" she declared, fanning herself. "Matter a fact, I'm shtill kinda warm… who wants to see me take off my clothes?"
"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" grunted Headwater Daddy, on all fours on top of the table.
"Eh, maybe later," muttered Mecha, eying the misshapen, surgically enhanced protuberances on her chest, and she thankfully disappeared. Sonic kicked Shadow, who was now bleeding from his senseless cackling.
"And the real winner for Best Actress goes to… Rouge!" called Headwater Daddy. "This foxy lady is-"
"Who said something about a foxy lady?" inquired Tails, a bit too eagerly. Headwater Daddy sneezed chillingly at him and he waltzed away.
"It's Rouge!" encouraged Mecha, and the blushing bat stepped forward, wearing revealing evening attire. She stood up at the podium, kissing Mecha on both cheeks and allowing Headwater Daddy to engulf her in a deluge of barnacles that he had dredged from his pockets.
"Thanks for voting me, guys," she began hesitantly, swamped by seafood. Headwater Daddy snickered but said nothing. "I know my main claim to fame was cheating on my man, and being hot, but I'm not a whore, I promise!"
"Why don't you prove it by taking your clothes off?" suggested Tails. Headwater Daddy sneezed chillingly again, and Knuckles glowered. Rouge laughed sexily and continued.
"So, uh, all right, thanks for your support, people, I really appreciate it!" She sat down next to Eggman, who gave her a surprisingly kind and not particularly blubbery hug. She used his ample shirtfront to scrub the stench of barnacles from herself and before long was as clean as a Mormon rap group's lyrics.
"Now for best supporting actor," Mecha muttered, casting Headwater Daddy a loathsome look. "Apparently only two people voted for me… the rest shall be blasted into oblivion…" He cast threatening looks all around, even though none of the voters were present. "Anyway, so the runner-up was-"
"OH BABY! OH, BABY!" shrieked Headwater Daddy, building a card castle out of Lego blocks. Yes, he actually made cards out of Lego blocks and made a card castle out of them instead of making a Lego castle.
"Headwater Daddy," grimaced Mecha angrily, and the horrendous, random, insane young man that appeared in that fateful chapter in court rocketed to the front of the room, addressing everybody.
"Four score and seven beers ago," he recalled blissfully, "I was not very drunk. Oh hell with it, I was drunk. I had already drunk twelve before that. It's not my fault! I wanted to see what would happen when you reenacted the song 99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall!" Quicker than anybody thought possible, he pulled a drum kit out of his pocket and played the little "pa-dum-chhhhh" noise. Nobody laughed, especially since he started playing a beat and making odd nonsense noises over it for several more seconds.
"Anyway," he continued, taking out a knife and fork and cutting the snare drum into bite-sized pieces, "I just want to thank you all for making me your lip-smacking favorite. And now, for a little something I prepared." He pulled a guitar out of the drum he had just cut apart and began playing the 20th Century Fox music while drumming somehow.
"Dum-dum, dum-dum, duuuuuuuum-dum-dum!" he began. "Da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-daaaaa-daaaaaaaaaaa-" He continued playing this abominable rendition somehow, until on the last long horn fanfare, he opened the hi-hat, revealing a quivering cat inside, which he skewered on one of the drumsticks and began roasting over an open flame that had appeared when he set the bass drum on fire. All this was accompanied by a treacherous leer as a bowling pin slowly emerged out of one of his ears and fell to the floor beside him.
Rouge was angry. Cream was annoyed. Amy was irritated. Tikal was hot under the collar. Sonic's mother was pissed off. Eggman was mad. Shadow was frenzied. Team Chaotix was irate. The Babylon Rogues were fuming. Metal Sonic was incensed. Tails was berserk. Sonic was livid. Shadow was beside himself. Everybody all around was enraged, infuriated, exasperated, up in arms- in short, very, very upset. But the worst of it all was Mecha Scorpion. The sheer multitude of random events that had occurred, combined with the fact that he had not received more than two votes, and finally topped off by Headwater Daddy's voracious, taunting smirk, had driven him over the edge. He was furious.
"AaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he hollered, thrashing his fists, and dove at Headwater Daddy, causing a huge fight on top of the drum kit.
After some SWAT team intervention, Headwater Daddy and Mecha were seated on opposite sides of the room, and the award ceremony commenced.
"The winner for Best Supporting Actor," Mecha said, sounding simultaneously relieved that it wasn't Headwater Daddy and angry that it wasn't himself, "is Metal Sonic!"
"Supporting Actor? I was the star of the show! I should have received Best Actor! Go to hell!"
"Sigh…"
"CEASE FIRE!" screamed Headwater Daddy. Everybody looked around to see what he was talking about it. He smirked and pointed at the flaming bass drum by his foot, which had gone out at his command. As Mecha tried very hard not to burst into flames himself at such randomness, Headwater Daddy indicated the whole room and chuckled, "Carry on."
"Um… you're commentating," said Tikal.
"Oh yes, of course, my dear," Headwater Daddy chortled, gesticulating with merriment. "Best Supporting Actress… it appears that the winner's Muffin!" he yelled triumphantly, pulling a frightened-looking calico cat out of his shoe and placing her on the table. "My cat's done it again, baby!"
"Steady there!" called Wave. "Did she receive more votes than the other contestants?"
A seizure passed over Headwater's face, but he responded as calmly as possible, "I wouldn't not be guarding myself from suggestions that I wasn't distorting what isn't the truth if I didn't claim it wouldn't be incorrect if I was not to retract the suggestion that it wouldn't be a falsehood to not say it wouldn't be untrue to not claim that my cat didn't not receive less votes than none of the other contestants didn't not receive."
"Er… right," Sonic muttered uncertainly. "I'm going to assume that means no, so in that case, you lose. The real winner is… pie!"
Amidst applause and (on Headwater Daddy's part) furious gnashing of teeth and cat strangling, a heaping slice of pie ambled peaceably to the front of the room.
"Thank you, one and all," it began, before Amy ate it.
"Finally… the moment you've all been waiting for," presided Mecha, clearly overjoyed that Headwater had finally suffered a small defeat. "The best chapter of more than a year and a half of near-constant chapter production! I'm willing to admit that I put more effort into some chapters than others, and I think some chapters are funnier than others, but… um… there should probably be some theme of integrity and artistry that applies to all the chapters, but there isn't."
"The author has no integrity. Who could have possibly-" began Eggman sarcastically, before his mustache turned into a pair of moose antlers.
Mecha looked confused for a moment, shared a brief, serious glance with Headwater Daddy for a moment, but went on. "Also, I couldn't count my own votes on this one, nor those of Headwater Daddy. While my personal favorite remains Chapter 30, The Unusual Suspects, and it would have won had I included my vote, I couldn't consider it a fair competition that way. Also, Headwater Daddy had to be discounted."
"Why?"
"Criminals are pardoned due to insanity, but I doubt they're eligible to vote afterwards," Mecha reasoned, and all agreed after witnessing Headwater Daddy precariously try to use a toaster as a card shuffler and happily butter the singed results. "So his vote for Chapter 89 would have made that chapter win, but it had to go. So in the end, the only chapter that really received more than one vote is…"
A hushed silence filled the room, except for the people who had actually read through the reviews.
"Chapter 17, Some Other Characters!" Mecha called, and a small stack of paper waddled up to the front.
"Thanks, everybody," it called out to those assembled. "I think the reason I was most enjoyed was because I gave everybody a break from the same old boring stuff about Sonic, and Tails, and- pfft- Knuckles- please- and Shadow? Seriously! I mean, when you-"
A flaming arrow hit the sheet of paper, and it fell to the ground, twitching and screaming. All congratulated Tails on his good aim and intervention. Except for Team Chaotix, who had been in that chapter.
"Now for the real last category," said Headwater Daddy haughtily, "Best Author."
"What? Mecha was the only one!" cried Vector, distressed.
"No, there was that other one. You know, by what's his face," Espio informed him.
"Oh yeah, that guy, whoever he was," everybody chorused.
"Aren't you forgetting somebody?" Mecha asked. "Somebody who had no direct hand in writing the story, but was a great influence, a hilarious character and a good friend? Somebody whose sense of humor inspired the revival of this story? Somebody who, through it all, has always tolerated my jokes about him and made funnier ones about me? A great person?"
"Me?" asked Sonic's mother innocently, swigging from her tequila.
"No," said Mecha, and shot her in the face. "I mean Headwater Daddy. I don't know if he'll ever get a profile on but he's written dozens of chapters of his own Sonic the Hedgehog stories, as well as many unfinished stories with me, and I think we can call him an author at this point. Cheers, HD. May you receive many reviews, should you join the site."
Everybody uneasily toasted him, not knowing him very well. Headwater Daddy bobbed his head and threw confetti in the air. Suddenly everybody realized what he had been doing with the cat and that paper shredder.
"Thanks, man," he said, making it sound like a threat. "My writing style's pretty random, but not quite as random as my characters. So if I get an account here, Mecha will update this story with a link to my profile, and you can read my stories. I think you'll like them!"
"If he gets a profile," Mecha reminded. "But whatever. Anyway, you were all great."
"Aw, thanks, Me-"
"Not you," he said to the characters. "I mean all the reviewers and readers. Thanks, and hope to see you again! You can always PM me if you want to talk, even if it's just about the glory days of this fanfic or your own ideas for one. Bye, see ya later!"
"Yee ha!" added Headwater Daddy, shaving using a sponge.
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