Baby Steps
By Mickey
Status: Completed 4/11/2008
Word Count: 4,552
Author's Note: Some people have been asking when Jack will actually get back in his own story, well ...here he is! To make up for his long absence, this is over twice as long as the other chapters. There's about 4 or so more coming, and I promise at least one of them will be another Jack part. Thanks, as always, to my beta reader, Cyn.
"Alright," Doc exclaims as she throws up her hands in defeat, "alright, enough already. You can go home today, Colonel. If you can be good while I update the general on your condition and let him know I'm releasing you. The usual rules apply."
I shake my head like an over excited puppy. I can do that. It'll only take another half hour, hour, tops.
She looks at me as if she can hear what I'm thinking, and sometimes I swear she can. It's actually a little scary, and creepy, sometimes. I was only gonna antagonize them a little bit more. Sometimes they just make it to damn easy. "I'm serious, sir. You so much as say "boo" to any of my staff and you stay here. I'll strap your ass right back to that bed if I have to."
She's the only person on this base, other than the general, who can get away with talking to me that way. She's the only one, besides Hammond, brave enough to even try. Again, I shake my head. I'd agree to just about anything if it meant getting me the hell out of here sooner.
She looks me over one last time, gives me the "I'll know if you try anything" warning glare, and then leaves my room.
Finally! After two days of endless needling, complaining, and being an all around pain in the ass, Janet is letting me go home today. I've been awake for four days now. Okay, so the first day I was only semi-lucent and only for about three hours out of the whole day. Can you believe she wanted to keep me here for another two days! Something about my weight (so I lost almost thirty pounds in the past three weeks or so), and elctroknights ...or something like that. I stopped paying attention after the "I really think it would be best if we keep you here on an IV for at least two more days". No way in hell was I gonna stand for that. I'm not sure who's more relieved that Janet relented, Janet, her staff, or me. I should be ashamed of myself for being such a bastard, but I'm not. Not really.
In my own defense, I don't think anyone can go through what I just went through and not be at least a little cranky about it. It's been over three weeks since I've seen my own house or bed for crying out loud! What the hell did they expect? Actually, they probably pretty much expected exactly what they got, or close enough to it anyway. I'll probably feel bad about my behavior in a few days, once I've had a chance to get myself re-acclimated to living like a human being again, but for now I just want to go the hell home.
I'd like to say that the worst is behind me now and everything will be back to normal in no time.
That's what I'd like to say, but I can't. I know better. I've been through this waaaaay to many times to believe that everything is going to be hunky dory now just because I'm through the withdrawal; I wasn't kidding when I told Daniel I'd done the "drugged out strapped to the bed" thing before. To many times for my liking.
Daniel. God, I miss him. He was there with me in that cell. I know he was. He helped me get through that ...ordeal. I think he was with me here too. I mean after when I'd said goodbye to him in the infirmary my first day back, but that might have just been the drugs. Doc had me pretty doped up for a while. Either way, I'll never tell anyone that I saw him, spoke to him, they'd think I'm nuts. Not that they probably don't anyway, but that's beside the point. I miss my friend. The fact that he's, as I understand it, not actually dead in the way one would think of death, doesn't help. It just makes it hurt more.
If someone had told me a little over seven years ago that a scientist would become one of the best friends I've ever had, I'da told them they were off their frigging rocker. I'm not even sure when it really happened. Sure, I was grateful as all hell when he saved my life, in more ways than one, on that first mission to Abydos, but I wouldn't really say we were best friends then. Friends, maybe, but not best friends. Now that I look back on it, it was probably after that first mission to Chulak. Although, I didn't really realize it until after the unauthorized (I'm still amazed that I didn't get Court Marshaled after that) mission to what turned out to be one of Apophis's mother ships. When I thought I was leaving Daniel to die alone, that's when it hit me just how much he'd come to mean to me. Even though I was reasonably sure we were all going to die, leaving him like that was exceptionally hard. I know what's it like to get left behind, destroyed a friendship because of my anger over it, and then I did the same damn thing to Daniel. That time, at least, we got him back.
I want my friend back again. Here. Now. On this plane of existence. My flesh and blood, never on time, rock obsessed, geeky friend.
Back to the subject on hand, the recover from withdrawal from the effects of the sarcophagus was just the beginning. The flashbacks and nightmares will start soon. There's also the mandatory sessions with McKenzie for the psych eval. Those are just gonna be sooo much fun.
Not.
Although ...I suppose I could have some fun with McKenzie a la Mel Gibson style in Lethal Weapon 4.
Did I ever mention that I really don't like shrinks?
Right now, I'm just puttering around waiting for my chaperones. Janet may have agreed to spring me a little early, but, as per usual, not without conditions. The first one is that I can't go home alone (why all three of them have to tag along is beyond me), and I can't be alone for at least the next three days. Napoleonic Power Monger. The second, of course, being that I talk my pills like a good little Irish boy, and not drink any alcohol. Not even beer. See what I mean by power monger? And she'll know too, even if the others don't snitch on me. Don't ask me how she always knows when I sneak a drink or two, she just does. It's kinda scary when you think about it. After the last time, I even went so far as to thoroughly check my house for any kind of hidden bugs or cameras.
You know, this really isn't like the movies. After spending two weeks strapped to a bed, people don't just get up and walk around like nothing ever happened. I fell so damn weak. Drained. Like there's nothing left of me other than this worn out body. My soul, what little scrap of it was left, was stolen by that son-of-a-bitch. All I feel is hatred. Anger and a whole fucking lot of hatred. If I ever see that snakehead again I'll kill him. A lot slower than he killed me. An hour or two, that's all I'd need. You'd be amazed how long an hour can last when you're being tortured to death. It's even worse when you know you won't be staying dead for very long and the whole thing will start over again shortly after it ends.
If only I could get my hands on some of that acid. I suppose sulfuric acid would due in a pinch.
"Oh, for crying out loud, Janet! I can walk." I protest as Teal'c pushes a wheel chair into the room, Janet, and the other half of my team trailing behind him. Doc, as usual, doesn't waiver in the least. She just gives me her usual stern "I'm the doctor so what I say goes" look and says, "You go with your six in that chair or not at all, Colonel."
I return her stare with my best "I'm the colonel and I give the orders" look, but she doesn't budge at all. After a few minutes of staring, I finally relent and sit in the damn chair. At this point I'd agree to just about anything if it'd get me out of this damn mountain. Fine. Reluctantly, I sit in the chair and grumble. I'll go in the chair but I'll be damned if I'll go quietly. Teal'c squeezes my shoulder then puts both hands on the chair's handles. Carter finally steps forward, smiling. And what the heck is she smiling about anyway? This is very not funny. I cross my arms over my chest and huff in defeat.
Jonas hangs back. He seems a little jumpy, sorta nervous. I know I haven't exactly welcomed him with open arms. Far from it, if I brutally honest with myself, but his reaction seems a little ...off. I stare at him for a minute trying to work it out. A memory hits me out of nowhere. I'm lashing out at someone, I don't remember what triggered the attack, but suddenly the face changes and I'm not attacking the same person anymore. The new face is familiar, someone I've met recently... Crap! No wonder Jonas is so jumpy.
"Uhh, sorry about ...uhh ...I didn't ...ya know... Sorry." My arms kind of flap around. And don't I just sound like a babbling idiot now? I look like I'm doing an imitation of a drugged out air traffic controller.
Jonas just shrugs, but some of the tension seems to fade. I'm not sure what he was more nervous about, if I'd attack him again, or if I'd even remember that I had attacked him before. Twice. He remains quiet as he grabs the DVDs Teal'c had brought in for me. He looks at me and gives small smile and a nod then heads towards the door. The subject is dropped. He'll never know how grateful I am for that, that he didn't make a scene about it.
Sam smiles and says, "Jonas and I are going to stop at the video store and return these, sir. We'll meet you at your house. Want us to pick anything up anything else while we're out?"
I look around the room then waive her closer. As she approaches I say in a low voice, "Beer and pizza, extra bacon."
"I don't think so, sir. Jonas has the list, which I'm sure you know by heart by now." I curse under my breath as I hear Janet. She isn't even in the room and I know my voice was very low. See what I mean? Freaking spooky. I wonder if Carter or Teal'c is wearing a wire. Or both of them. Maybe even Jonas? Yes, I know I sound paranoid, but I don't care. How else can she know what I said, and when?
"Fine. Starve me then." I cross my arms over my chest. Between that and the look on my face, I must look like a petulant child. Carter laughs.
"I'm sure we can come up with an acceptable alternative, sir."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." I grumble.
Carter and Jonas exit the small room leaving Teal'c and I alone. I turn slightly and look at him. Stoic as usual. I swear and can see the smallest hint of a small on his lips though. I point towards the door and say, "Home, James." Teal'c does his little sorta head bow thing and we leave. A nurse accompanies us. He'll be bringing the wheelchair back down to the infirmary.
It was a bit of a pain in the ass, but I managed to get the government, with the general's help, to get Teal'c recognized as a legal US citizen (sucks that the bastards still won't let him live off base yet, but I'm still working on that), with most of the privileges that go with it. Including a driver's license. Which has come in handy on a few other occasions such as this. I start to get a little antsy as we approach and enter the elevator. When the door closes and we start to move, I can feel my hands start to shake. I need to get out of here. Now. I can't do this. Not again. Teal'c sees my reaction, can sense my rising panic. He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it firmly. I feel my nerves begin to settle and am immensely grateful he is here. The nurse acts as if nothing has happened and casually bends down as if to tie his sneaker. The professionalism and intuitiveness of the doc's staff never ceases to amaze me.
Teal'c allows me to maintain what remains of my pride and makes no attempt to help me out of the wheelchair or into my truck, which takes longer than I willing to admit it should. The nurse takes the wheelchair from Teal'c. "Goodnight, Colonel." He says to me then turns to Teal'c. "Good night, sir." We both say goodnight and Teal'c climbs into the driver's side. I'm not sure when people started calling Teal'c, sir, but at least half of the base, both military and non-military members, do it know. I'm glad. It shows that they respect him, and consider him to be one of us. He's earned that respect several times over.
Teal'c pulls the truck expertly out of the parking space. The drive home is made in companionable silence. I lean my head back and listen to the soft sounds of the music from the radio. I don't even realize I've fallen asleep until I feel Teal'c's hand gently shaking my shoulder.
"We are here, O'Neill." He says.
I nod and he removes his hand from my shoulder and turns off the truck. I shake my head a little then get out and make my way up to the front door. I fumble around in my coat pocket for my keys for a minute before I remember that Teal'c has them. I grin a little sheepishly as he comes up behind me. I move over to give him enough room to unlock and open the door. He then hands me back my keys and allows me to enter first.
Ahhh, the cleaning crew has been here I see. I can tell because my house has a nice flowery scent to it that I know it didn't have the last time I left. Must have been Carter. She's the only one who uses that flowery smelling air freshener stuff. Usually, Daniel takes up the task of cleaning my house, sans the flower spray, but I seriously doubt it was him this time. Heaven forbid he should break a rule or two to help a friend in need.
Okay, so that was a little harsh. Sue me. I'm too damn tired to care right now. Not being around also makes him an easy target.
I remove my shoes and toss them into the corner then pick up the remote from the coffee table and turn on the TV then flip to ESPN. I consider plopping down on the couch then think better of it. I need a shower. A real shower.
I call out to Teal'c, who is heading towards the kitchen, "Yo, T, gotta go?"
Knowing what I mean, he replies, "I do not, O'Neill. Would you like soup or sandwiches for dinner?"
I want to say neither, that I'd like some real food for a change, but I know I shouldn't. Janet said light meals for a few days, until my system gets back to eating real food again, and I am soooo not in the mood to listen to her bitch about my disregarded for her rules tonight. Besides, I'm really not all that hungry anyway. I call back out, "Soup's fine."
I don't bother saying what kind. Mostly because I really don't care, but also because I haven't got a clue as to what I even have anymore.
As I enter the bathroom my hands begin to shake and breathing gets faster. I forgot how small this room is. It never bothered me before. I curl my hands into fists, close my eyes, and force my breathing back to normal. I undress, shower, and shave in what has to be record time. Then I hightail it out of the bathroom as fast as I can without looking silly, or falling on my ass, and head for my bedroom. I pull out my favorite, comfy sweatpants and an Air Force t-shirt. By the time I get dressed and make my way to the living room, the other half of my team arrives. At the knock on my front door, I walk over and let them in.
"Hey guys, took ya long enough." I tease as they come inside.
Carter hugs me a little tighter than usual and replies, "Sorry, sir, there was a fender bender on the way over here."
Jonas nods and extends his hand. I shake it and motion to the couch. Just as we all sit down, Teal'c comes out of the kitchen with four bowls of piping hot soup and a plate of sandwiches. Guess he decided to make both anyway. I notice he's already set the drinks on the coffee table. Iced tea all the way around. What I wouldn't give for a beer right now. Pissing Frazier off before she clears me for duty would really not be a good idea, so I just sit in my chair and take a sip of my tea. Carter, Teal'c, and Jonas take a seat on the couch.
We eat in silence. I don't even get halfway through my soup. I'm just not as hungry as I thought I was. I do finish my tea though. I love the way T makes it. Just enough sugar so that it's sweet, but not to sweet. Carter looks at my half full bowl and frowns but says nothing. In a few minutes, they finish eating. There's still a couple of sandwiches on the plate. "Anyone want another one?" I ask as I lift the plate.
I receive a chorus of "no thanks", so I take their bowls and cups, along with mine, and put them on the tray Teal'c used to bring them out. As I stand to take them into the kitchen, Jonas stands up as well.
"I can get that for you, Colonel." He reaches over to take the tray from me.
What the hell? I didn't break my legs damn it. "I'm not a freaking invalid, Jonas. I can make it to my kitchen and back all by myself." I regret the words as soon as I say them, but I'm to aggravated to apologize. Instead I storm off into the kitchen. I slam the tray down, more angry with myself then with Jonas. I take a few deep breaths, forcing myself to calm down. He was just worried about me and trying to help. After the way I've treated him, I'm not sure why.
They're all worried. I wish they'd stop. I'm not made of China.
I put the plate of sandwiches in the fridge and the bowls on the counter by the sink then refill our glasses and head back out to the living room. They all look at me. Probably expecting me to apologize. Or blow up again. Or maybe just fall apart.
They should know better.
I set the tray down and give them their now refilled cups then sit back down. I didn't realize how much I missed this chair. It's amazing the little things you miss when you lose everything. I take a few sips of my tea then look up again. And they're still staring, their own cups untouched. It's so quiet in here I can hear old man Stowe's little rat dog yapping a few houses up. I don't think I'll ever figure out how such a little dog can be so loud. It's not so much their silence that's grating on my nerves right now, it's the way they are looking at me, watching me. Like I'm gonna freaking break or something.
"What!" I practically yell. "For crying out loud people. Will you stop treating me like I'm a fucking china doll about to break or something." Teal'c remains as stoic as ever; the only change to his facial features is the arching of his eyebrow. Carter flinches, as does Jonas.
Crap! What the hell is wrong with me? I force myself to calm down again. I shouldn't be blowing up at them like this.
"So, Jonas," I offer as attempt at an pathetic apology, "you get stuck with KP?"
"Uhhh," He begins, startled, "yes, Colonel, I did. How did you know."
I give him a small smile. "Carter has learned to avoid my kitchen at all costs in ...situations like this. You being the new guy, I kinda figured she'd saddle you with that job." Which is true. While Daniel would usually do this on his own, he would occasionally get Carter or Teal'c to help him, and usually tried to stick them with kitchen clean up.
The tension begins to drain from the room, finally. Jonas smiles.
Then his expression becomes more serious, and with a straight face, he says, "For someone who has such a problem with scientists, I find it odd that you seem to be aspiring to be one yourself."
I stare at him, dumbfounded, for a minute. Now where the hell did he ever get a crazy idea like that?
He can't keep a straight face for long though and smiles again. "All those experiments in your refrigerator where ...interesting, to say the least."
I think my jaw just about hit the floor. To my credit however, I recover quickly and within seconds, we're all laughing. The tension is gone now and we all relax. Teal'c gets up and goes to the stand with my DVDs. After a few minutes, he finally selects one. I find it quiet ironic that an alien has such an obsession with alien movies. I think I know Star Wars by heart now. All five of them. I know I'll be taking him to the theater to see the last one when it comes out. I'll never admit this to anyone, but I did actually enjoy them. I really don't see why everyone hates Jar Jar so much. I thought he was hilarious. Made the movie, in my opinion. Teal'c likes him too.
Thankfully, he doesn't choose Star Wars this time. I really do like the movies, but there's only so many times you can see a movie in a certain period of time before you get tired of it. We watched the four that are already on DVD at least four times in the two months before the Antarctica mission. Four times each, that is.
Half way through the movie, Carter falls asleep. I get up to cover her with a blanket when the next scene of the movie catches my attention. The hero is hanging from a rafter by his wrists when one of the villain's lackeys walks up to him with a knife, it's edge glowing hot, and holds it close to his left eye.
I freeze. Everything around me fades out and all I can see is that slimy bastard, Ba'al, standing there with that knife aimed at me, demanding answers to questions I couldn't answer. My heart is racing as I wait for him to release the knife again. Wait for the agonizing pain. I keep hearing my name, but the voice isn't Ba'al's anymore. Ba'al's torture chamber fades away and I'm back in my living room. My friends are looking at me with worried expressions.
Teal'c's voice finally brings me fully back to the here and now. I look at him. "Are you all right, O'Neill?" I think I actually see a hint of concern on his face. I can certainly hear it in his voice. No one moves. T and Carter know better than to touch me, or even to get to close during times like this. I imagine, after the infirmary incidents, that Jonas has learned that lesson well.
I blink a few times then finally answer him. "Yeah. I'm fine. Just a ...a ...ah... I'm fine." I don't know what to say. There's no way in hell I'll tell them what that bastard did to me. Not even Teal'c. Although I'm sure he has some pretty good ideas about it.
No one is saying anything. They're still looking concerned. I can't deal with this right now. "I'm going to bed. You guys know where the guest bedrooms are. Jonas, There's only two other bedrooms, so you'll have to crash on the couch. It's actually pretty comfortable."
"I will prepare some tea and your medication, O'Neill." He doesn't give me a chance to respond as he heads for the kitchen.
"Come on, Jonas, we should be going now. It's getting late and I need to be back at the base early tomorrow morning." Carter laughs at the surprised look on my face. "I figured you wouldn't want three mother hens staying her and clucking at you all night, sir. Jonas and I never intended to stay the night. We just wanted to visit with you. Make sure you got settled in okay."
I don't know what to say, so I just nod as I stand to walk them out.
"Good night, sir." Carter says as she stands. She and Jonas head for the door while I trail behind them. "Come on, Jonas, I'll drop you off at the base."
As much as I do, usually, enjoy their company, I'm glad Carter and Jonas have decided not to stay. I wish Teal'c would go back to the base too, but you know what they say about wishing... Don't get me wrong, I love Teal'c like a brother, but I could really use some time alone.
I extend my hand to Jonas as he waives goodbye. Ahh, if only I had my camera near bye. This is the first time I've ever extended my hand to him first. The look on his face ...talk about your Kodak moments. To his credit, he recovers quickly and we shake hands. "I'm glad you're home, Colonel." He says.
"Me too, Jonas. Again, thanks for helping Carter with my place. I really do appreciate it."
"Anytime, Colonel."
Carter approaches now. "You'll get through this, sir, I know you will. One small step at a time. And we'll all be here to help you." Carter gives me a brief hug then follows Jonas out to her car. I stand by the door for a few minutes and watch them drive off.
Carter's right, I will get through this. It'll be hard, and I'll probably say more hurtful things to all of them before I do, but I will put this behind me. One little baby step at a time, and with a little help from my friends.
TBC