Chapter Four

He was gone. For about six months it was all she could think. Every heartbeat branded it into her. When she wasn't breathing, it didn't hurt. The problem was she kept breathing. There was nothing that could divert her attention from the fact that she was alone. Every time she was in bed, she heaped blankets and quilts and duvets over herself in order to try and replicate the warmth of his arms, but no matter how hot she got, no matter how much she was sweating, she was always cold. She missed him with every morning, every sunset. For months, years, she couldn't go near Yuna for fear of what she might do or say.

She knew in her heart it wasn't Yuna's fault. That even had Yuna not Sent him, he probably would have walked quite cheerfully into the Farplane himself. But it helped, being able to blame someone; to have some target for all her anger and pain. How could he? How could he promise her everything and simply fade into the sky? It wasn't fair. She was young and clean and beautiful – so why was she tied to someone that had been the opposite of all those things? Except he had been young and strong once. Clean and pure. He had been beautiful, and still traces of it could be found in the ravaged creases of his face, if one looked hard enough.

Rikku had never needed to search to find it; she'd seen it at merest glance. But that was gone. It had winked out of existence with him. And she'd broken. Just as she had on the airship. Only this time there was no-one to come and lift her from the mire of her sorrows. So she chose the opposite. She chose to bury herself in them, to engrave them so deeply into her soul that she could conceal them with her false smiles and her twirling. It was a bitter, ironic expression when she smiled, because if Auron had been there, he would have seen through the charade instantly. But with him gone there was no-one in Spira who could.

She spent some time, a little before her seventeenth birthday, with someone who came close. He was sweet, and understood that sometimes it was exhausting just being Rikku. His name was Gippal. She went out with him for a while; her father was happy that she was with another Al Bhed. She loved him in her own way, but not with the breathless passion that she'd felt for Auron. With Gippal it was…comfortable. She wasn't aware of his every movement, she wasn't utterly dominated by her emotions when she was in the same room as him, and she was not instantly aroused when her fingers brushed him.

Rikku was comforted by Gippal though. It was with a sense of vindictive pleasure that she slept with him. The act itself was…easy. She always wondered why people made such a big deal out of it – it was just sex. It was not making love; she'd never make love to anyone, but it was nice enough. He was an attentive lover, and she got through it thinking: I hope you're watching, Auron, because this is what you missed. I would have given you everything had you bothered to stick around long enough. Gippal took the tears she shed as pain at the barrier of her virginity being broken. It did hurt, but her tears were from pain of a different kind.

It took her a few months, but eventually she found herself asking one question all day every day. Do I feel the same way about Gippal that I did Auron?

There could only be one answer, and she and Gippal stopped being a steady couple after that. They were still close friends, and sexual partners if they got drunk enough. But Rikku was still looking. That's when the sphere hunting gig came up. She didn't expect to find a way to bring Auron back, but she thought maybe there might be spheres of him dotted all over Spira, just like there had been of Jecht. Maybe, if she could remind herself of the bad things, she wouldn't crave him so restlessly. She found nothing; it was like he'd been wiped from existence all together. The only thing she had were books – dusty old history books that carried his name as the Legendary Guardian Sir Auron. She gave another smile then, because she knew how he'd hated that. Sir Auron. But she still ran her fingers over and over and over his name until the ink came off on her fingers.

The only thing she did find was a sphere of what looked like Tidus. His voice, his clothes, almost his face. She hated it. It wasn't of Auron, so how could it be of any use to her? But she took it to Yunie anyway, and she managed to make the next year mean something. Saving Spira yet again gave her a nice feeling; like Auron would have been proud of her. She didn't see him on the Farplane when they went to fight Vegnagun. Except, she wasn't sure, but she thought, when they were walking up the shimmering golden path back to Spira, she saw a familiar silhouette standing amongst the flowers, watching her. But then Gippal tugged her back up to the world, and it faded.

It was the worst day of her life when Tidus came back. She spent the entire day, and the day after that, and the day after that, hoping – praying – that the red-coated warrior would make an appearance. But he didn't. All Rikku could think was how unfair it was that she got nothing. She got that with defeating Sin – that was Yuna's thing. But Vegnagun? Rikku had done that just as much as Yuna had. Where was her reward? All she wanted was to know if she still loved him. If the feeling inside was – or had ever been – love. In order to give everyone time to come to Tidus's welcome home party, it was held a week after he got back. Rikku spent most of that week getting pissed. She must have downed at least six bottles of sake, maybe ten, she wasn't really sure. The days passed with hangovers, and the nights getting drunk all over again.

The night of the welcome home party, everyone was in Besaid; Paine, Nooj, Baralai, Gippal. Even Leblanc deigned to show her face. One of her former henchmen – or henchwomen – was there too, a woman called Giia. Rikku really didn't like her. Now that Leblanc had finally got her 'Noojie-Woojie', she'd mellowed a lot. Giia was going to be trouble; Rikku felt it in her bones. Paine and Yuna agreed with her that Giia wasn't good news, but they were both caught up in their whirlwind romances to worry about it – Paine and Baralai had finally admitted their feelings for each other and were spending as much time sneaking off together as they could. Yuna and Tidus were too absorbed in each other to notice what everyone else thought. So Rikku sat by the fire, getting pissed, not even bothering to play with Vidina. Gippal, probably the only person who could temporarily lift her spirits, was late. So she was well and truly inebriated within an hour.

One, pointless, thought kept running around her head. Why can't I move on?

A/N: There u go, another chappie done. I'm on a roll this week! & just to let u know I LOVE all you people that have reviewed, but you've set the bar now – I'm going to need at least three reviews for inspiration to keep striking I'm sure...