That's What Friends Are For
By Mickey
Status: Completed 9/7/2008
Categories: Angst, Drama, Friendship
Content Warnings: Mild Language
Word Count: 4,819
Author's Notes: Thanks to my beta, Cyn. The words to the prayer that Jack says are at the end of the fic. For those of you who may have been wondering what Sergeant (Nurse) Grmek's first name is, you'll find out in this chapter!
JACK
Let me start off by saying that this was soooo not my idea.
It's been two weeks since my last session with MacKenzie, six since I got out of the infirmary, and my team has decided that we need to celebrate the fact that Janet and the quack (excuse me, "Doctor MacKenzie") are finally clearing me to go back to light duty starting Monday morning.
My idea was pizza and beers with my team and, maybe, Janet. But no, they (they being my team) decided that we need to have a barbecue, at my house of course, to celebrate. Don't get me wrong. It doesn't bother me that it's happening here, I'm the only one with a swing set to preoccupy the kids with, I just wanted to have a quiet little thing is all. I don't think I'm ready for a lot of people or noise just yet. Don't know why, but I have a funny feeling this was all Jonas' idea. That man has a borderline unhealthy obsession with food and he's learned that there is always a ton of food when I barbecue. All different kinds, too.
When we told Janet about the barbecue, she, in her infinite wisdom, informed us to keep it to a minimum this time. She said it was because she didn't want me to push myself too much just yet. In reality, I think it was because she thinks there is a chance something will happen, that I'll spazz out or something, and it will be a lot easier to deal with in a smaller crowd.
It's a small party really, especially considering that my barbecues usually wind up having every SG team that's not off world, along with their families, here. Not to mention about another dozen or so other SGC personnel. Today it's just SG-1, Janet, Cassie, Sergeant Grmek and her kids, Siler, Ferretti, and General Hammond and his grandkids.
How bad can it be?
x x x x x x x x x x x x
JACK
It's weird really, I can feel myself kinda zoning out, being pulled into a past I'd really rather forget, but I can shake out of it. I feel like the walls are pushing in on me and it suddenly seems very, very crowded in here. I don't want to make a scene, nor do I want to hurt anyone. "Get out." I say suddenly.
Everyone looks at me stunned. No one moves. I feel the panic rising and try to squash it down, but it's no use. My voice rises a little as I speak again. "I said get out. All of you. Just leave." Still, no one moves and their stunned looks are turning to concern. Which, for reasons I can't articulate and don't fully understand, just thoroughly pisses me off. "I said, get out now!" I'm practically screaming at this point. The past is crowding in on me. I can feel myself slipping into it and it's scaring the hell out of me. Can't these people take a hint and go the fuck home? I'm just glad that the kids are all playing outside. I think I'd be scaring the crap out of them right now otherwise.
Ever the calm, cool-headed one, Janet steps in.
"Okay, everyone, why don't you all go outside and get some fresh air." When no one moves, she adds, "Go on. We'll be out shortly," more forcefully as she makes shooing motions. "Teal'c, don't go far." They all look like they want to argue with her, especially my team and Ferretti, but after a few seconds, they wisely make their way out to the backyard until the only ones left in my living room are Janet, Grmek, and myself.
Suddenly, it's much hotter in here than it was just a few minutes ago. I can feel the sweat starting to roll down my back and neck. It slides down my forehead and into my eyes. It really shouldn't be so hot in here.
Janet whispers something to Grmek, but I can't make it out. The other noises are getting louder. I barely notice as Grmek leaves and Janet guides me over to my couch. She speaks to me in low, soothing tones. It sounds like she's telling me to relax; to talk to her, but it's getting so hard to hear her. I'm confused. Some of the faces don't belong here. Different faces from different times in my past, including the recent past, that shouldn't be together. It's disconcerting and frightening.
The voices in my head, cruel and taunting, are muttered and unintelligible. They want something that much I can tell, but what? There's a sudden, sharp pain in my side and I want to double over to try and protect myself from it, but suddenly I can't move anymore. My arms and legs feel restricted, like something is holding them tightly in place. The temperature seems to rise considerably and all I can hear now is the demanding voices and a pathetic gasping that I pray is not coming from me. I have a sickening feeling that it is.
x x x x x x x x x x x x
JANET
Crap! I've seen that look on his face before, the colonel is zoning out. I had a bad feeling this would happen. Which makes me that much more relieved that I limited this party to just a few guests and that the children are already outside. I immediately rush to his side and send everyone else outside. Everyone but Teal'c that is. I don't know how bad this will get and I may need his strength. I watch as Teal'c makes his way to the sliding glass door that leads to the backyard, but stays just inside the door. He knows that I may need him at some point, but for know I need him out of the colonel's line of sight. I send my nurse, Grmek to get a cold, wet washcloth.
I'll admit, I was surprised when I learned that the colonel had invited her. He didn't seem to happy about this gathering at first and I get the impression he wanted a simple "team night" to celebrate his return to light duty and the lifting of restrictions on what he eats and drinks, not to mention getting off the meds completely. I guess I shouldn't be really. The two of them have become quite close since Erin transferred to Stargate Command. She and Jared Tacks are the only nurses who can get close to him when he has one of his more severe "incidents" in the infirmary when he is ill or injured. He's really taken to her kids as well.
"It's okay, Colonel, you're home. You're safe. Calm down. No one can hurt you here." I keep my tone low and comforting as I guide him to the couch. He sits when I gently push him down, but gives no other indication that he knows I'm here. I lift his legs on the couch as he lays his head on the armrest. No sooner is he stretched out, his muscles stiffen.
"Doctor," Erin says as she approaches. I stick out my hand and she gives me the damp washcloth I'd sent her for. There isn't anything more we can do for him now, so she kneels next to me on the floor and takes his hand into hers.
x x x x x x x x x x x x
ERIN
It's great to see Colonel O'Neill looking so well. I took two weeks vacation three weeks ago then Grady got the chicken pox, so I had to take another week off to take care of him. Taking care of a sick, itchy thirty-four month-old child is just soooo much fun. Not. Anyway, I just went back to work two days ago, so I haven't had a chance to check up on Jack . . . I mean Colonel O'Neill, yet.
I think the barbecue will be good for him. It'll give him a chance to reconnect with some of his friends, besides his team, before he goes back to work. Janet told me that she and MacKenzie have agreed that the colonel is ready to go back on light duty. That will be good for him too. I imagine that he's going a little stir crazy now. Probably has been for a few weeks now, actually.
The kids have missed him. It's been about four months since they've seen him. I think he's missed the kids too. His face really lit up when we got here and they ran up to greet him. I know Tessa, Kaylee, and Cassie have really missed him too. Cassie gets to see him a little more often then any of the other kids, but this is the first time she's seen him since he came back from Ba'al's planet. As much as he misses them, he was really hesitant about having any of the kids here. Even Cassie. From what I understand, Major Carter and Teal'c really had to work on him to get him to finally agree to let the kids come. Sergeant Siler was going to bring his kids too, but they had already arranged for them to visit their grandparents so they have been in Arizona for the past week and will be there for about another week or so.
Everyone's been here for about an hour know and, so far so good. He's been laughing and having a good time. Doctor Fraiser did have one strict rule for today, no "shop" talk. Everyone here knows better than to defy her. Except maybe Ja. . . the colonel. He's the only one with the nerve to bust her chops on something like that. It's somewhat frightening how much pleasure he takes in it, but very funny. I think he's the only person on the entire base who can fluster her, even just a little bit.
I turn to talk to the colonel and instantly realize something is wrong. I've seen that look before. This isn't good. I turn to inform Doctor Fraiser about what's happening, but from the look on her face I can see she already knows. I'm glad we sent the kids outside to play. They don't need to see this. The doctor shoos everyone into the backyard and sends me to get a wet washcloth.
As I make my way to the kitchen, I can't help but think about the colonel and how much he has come to mean to my children and I. They adore him and ask about him often. They miss him so much, and they're thrilled when we come to visit. Sometimes, I find myself thinking about him when he's off world or off duty. More and more, I find that I miss him when he's not around the mountain for whatever reason. And that makes me feel guilty. It hasn't even been three years since Scott died. While my mother says it's been long enough and I should start dating again, I can't help but feel like I'm betraying him every time I even think about dating. Just thinking about Jack, the colonel, makes me feel guilty. It doesn't help that he and Scott are so much alike.
I find the washcloth and wet it. I can't think about this right now. The colonel and Doctor Fraiser need me to have a clear hear. I ring the excess water out of the washcloth and make my way back to the living room. As I hand it to the doctor, I kneel beside the colonel and take his hand into mine. He's so stiff right now. His eyes are locked onto to something in the distance that only he can see. He's mumbling something. It's hard to make out what he's saying, but I can tell it's not English. I listen intently for a few minutes before I realize what he's saying. It's an Irish prayer called Circle me, Lord. I know he was raised as a catholic; I just though he'd completely left that part of him in the past. He repeats the prayer over and over. There's nothing the doctor and I can do but sit and talk with him and wait.
Several minutes later, he finally starts to relax. He blinks a few times then looks at us.
"How do you feel, sir?" Doctor Fraiser asks.
I have to choke back a chuckle at the look on Jack's, damn it, on the colonel's face. We help him get to his feet and he wobbles a little. I reach out a hand to help steady him and he gives me a big, goofy grin. I return it. Then he looks past me to Teal'c, who has not budged since this began, and quickly loses the smile.
As we walk outside together, I can't hide my smile. Determined to make today fun for him, I'm resolved to not say or do anything about how I'm feeling. I can work out my feelings for him later. Right now, I just glad that this little episode was as mild as it was and that he is definitely on the road to recovery.
x x x x x x x x x x x x
TEAL'C
I am alarmed by the distress I hear in O'Neill's voice. It had seemed that he was doing much better. He hadn't had a nightmare in several days. I turn to get Sergeant Grmek's attention when I see Doctor Fraiser approach him. She urges the others to go outside and requests that I stay close. Major Carter and Lieutenant Ferretti hesitate and look ready to argue but a stern look from Doctor Fraiser gets them moving. They are the last to exit. I take up a position by the sliding door, prepared to move should the doctor need my assistance. She requests for the sergeant to retrieve a wet washrag than assists O'Neill to the couch.
Sergeant Grmek nods and does as requested. She moves without hesitation. It would appear that she is unmoved by what is happening, but that would be an incorrect assumption. It is brief, but I see the concern in her eyes before she turns towards O'Neill's kitchen. It is clear to myself, Major Carter and Jonas Quinn that she has become very fond of him. I am sure Doctor Fraiser has noticed this as well.
They talk to O'Neill softly and the sergeant takes his hand into her own. As they comfort O'Neill and try to "snap him out of it" as they say, my mind takes me back to when I first met him. From the first time I looked into his eyes, I knew this human was different. There was no fear in him, at least not for his own safety, no awe or sign of subservience. His expression was well guarded, his emotions impossible to tell.
I have been questioned many times by many Jaffa about my allegiance to him and to these Tau'ri. Even Master Bra'tac. He has since come to understand and support my decision, and to count O'Neill as a friend and formidable warrior, though many others are not so understanding. They question my loyalty to the Jaffa. They do not see that the Tau'ri are the best hope for the Free Jaffa movement. Without them, we would not be where we are now. If it were not for O'Neill, there would be no open talk of freedom for our people. It is only because of O'Neill and the strength and courage, the determination, that I saw in him on that day, that I openly denounced the Goa'uld. Master Bra'tac taught me to question the Goa'uld, to see through the lies and deception. But it was O'Neill who inspired to turn my back on my "god" and fight against the Goa'uld. It was O'Neill who made me believe that our goal of a free Jaffa nation can be more than just a dream. Someday, perhaps, Bra'tac and I will be able to get the others to see in him, and the people of the SGC, what we see.
O'Neill is beginning to come around. He has been through much in the past few months. The withdrawal was hard on him, as it was on all of us who care about him. It has not been much easier since Doctor Fraiser released him from the infirmary. He slept much of the time for the first two weeks and was not pleased that either Jonas Quinn, Major Carter, or myself had to be here at all times during the first month. For the last two weeks, he has mostly been here alone. We came to see him everyday, but only stayed for short periods of time. The most violent of his nightmares seemed to have ended about three weeks ago. He still has them; they are simply not as severe or as often. We know they will continue for some time, no one expects him to be fully recovered in such a short time. Except, perhaps O'Neill himself.
Sergeant Grmek and Doctor Fraiser smile as O'Neill responds to the doctor's question. Because of how the doctor and sergeant have positioned themselves beside O'Neill, I cannot see his face, nor can I or hear if he has said anything, but knowing him as I do I can imagine what that response was. They assist him into a sitting position. After a few minutes, he stands unsteadily. The sergeant reaches out to steady him. I see his broad smile as he looks at her. He glances at me and the smile quickly disappears. We, his friends, know that he is attracted to her. I do not understand his desire to hide that fact. Or his unwillingness to act upon it. They are not directly in the same chain of command so, as I understand the Air Force's regulations, a relationship between them would not be forbidden. I cannot help but wonder if his unresolved feelings towards Major Carter are part of the reason he is hesitant in starting a relationship with the sergeant. One day, I will speak to him about that, but know is not the time.
Doctor Fraiser suggests going outside. O'Neill hesitates then smiles and nods. They make their way to the sliding glass door. The doctor and the sergeant make their way outside, smiling at me as they go. O'Neill pauses as he approaches me. He smiles then pats my shoulder and gestures outside. As we walk out side by side, my concern for him lessens. He knows that we are his friends, that we care about him and that we will always be here for him.
x x x x x x x x x x x x
SAM
Everyone is concerned. Janet just ushered us all out of the house into the backyard. The colonel suddenly told us all to leave, practically screamed it when we didn't all jump. He looked freaked.
Jonas is stunned. I don't think he knows what to make of what just happened. I've seen that look before, that far off distant look. Teal'c and I both have. Jonas hasn't. Not really. He doesn't know the colonel like we do, knows very little of his past. About the only thing he does know is that the colonel was in Special Ops for several years and that he was a test pilot for a time. He knows that Colonel had a son who dies when he was nine, although he doesn't know anything more than that. He also knows that the colonel spent time as a POW before joining the SGC, but not knowing the colonel as well as we do and having not been around him during down time like Teal'c and I have, he has never really seen the colonel zone out like he is doing now.
I understand why she wouldn't let me stay with Teal'c, but it still pisses me off a little. He's my commanding officer, my teammate, and my friend as much as he is Teal'c's. I want to be there for him. To help and support him. I do see where she is coming from though. Even with my hand-to-hand training, I'm no match for the colonel. Especially when he is fighting demons from the past. Teal'c is the only one here who has a chance in hell of restraining the colonel if it comes to that. I pray it doesn't. If it does, Janet may have to reverse her decision to let the colonel come back to work on light duty. The general may be forced to order more sessions with MacKenzie. We all know just how much the colonel loves those.
Thankfully, the kids are so wrapped up in their game of hide and seek that they are blissfully unaware that anything is wrong.
I'm kinda surprised. He seemed to be doing pretty well. It's been about three weeks since he's had any episodes while he's been awake. He still has nightmares nearly every night (or at least he has on the few nights that I stayed here), but they have been pretty mild in comparison to what they had been when Janet first released him.
I jump as I feel the general's hand on my shoulder and he says, "He's going to be fine, Major."
"Yes, sir. I know, I just can't help but worry." He just nods and smiles then goes back to the others, who have moved more towards the barbecue grill and away from the door giving the colonel, Janet and Sergeant Grmek some privacy.
I watch through the glass as Janet guides him to the couch and helps him first sit then lie down. His eyes are glazed, his gaze distant. Even from this distance, I can see his body tense. Janet kneels next to him and I can no longer see his face. Shortly thereafter, the sergeant, Nurse Grmek, comes out of the kitchen with a washcloth, which she hands to Janet. Then she kneels next to her.
I can't help a slight surge of jealousy as I see the sergeant grasp the colonel's hand. I shouldn't be jealous. He and the sergeant, Erin, have become close since she transferred to the SGC. They have a lot in common and she is a very nice person. Her sense of humor is almost as wicked as his is. I tell myself it's only because I've known him longer, been his friend longer. Jonas and I, as his teammates, should be in there with him, not her. She has the medical training, but we know him better. But that's not it. No entirely. I can hide it from everyone, even try to deny it to myself, but I care about him more than I should. Even taking into account our . . . unique team. I don't think any other combat team has been together as long as we have.
The fact is that I love him, as more than a friend. Even a very close friend. Or at least I think I'm in love with him. I'm so confused. I'm not really sure how I feel. Maybe I'm just in love with the idea of being in love with him. After all, I know he is off limits. If I fool myself into thinking that I love him, I can use that as an excuse for not dating. I won't deny that I am attracted to him physically. He's handsome, more so than he gives himself credit for. None of us buy his "don't mind me I'm just the dumb colonel" routine. He makes me laugh at times. But is there more to it than that? Sometimes, I think he loves me. I catch him looking at me, but he turns as soon as he realizes that I've seen him. I wonder if there is anything more between us than lust and the knowledge that the other is a "safe" bet because our respective positions will never allow anything more than what we have are now; friends and comrades.
If the general knows, or even has a hint, of any of this (and I'm sure he does, he's a sharp man), he isn't saying. He trusts us to act like the professionals we are and not to break regs.
Knowing that doesn't help me though. The thing is, even if the regulations weren't a factor, I don't think it would work between us. We're too different. And I think that's the real reason I'm jealous of Erin, because she and the colonel do have a lot in common. The tragic loss of a young son, a love of the Simpson's, Guinness, and Bacon, mushroom, onion and green pepper pizza. Well, that and the fact that is pretty damn obvious that the colonel is attracted to her as well.
I breathe a sigh of relief as the colonel begins to stir then sits up. I can't tell if they are saying anything, but knowing them the way I do, I can imagine the exchange between the colonel and Janet and it brings a smile to my face. After a few minutes, he stands, shakily and with help. He smiles at Grmek. A big goofy smile like a love struck teenager. He notices either Teal'c or I looking at him and drops the smile.
As I watch him, I realize that it is time for me to move past this. I need to resolve my feelings and move on. Nothing is ever going to happen between Colonel O'Neill and I. The more I think about it, I really believe he could be happy with Erin, if only he'd admit that he has feelings for her. He can be pretty stubborn at times.
I don't need to turn to know that Jonas is coming up behind me. As he places as hand on my shoulder, I place mine over his. I don't need to turn to know he is smiling. Jonas almost always seems to be smiling. I know he is as relieved as I am that the colonel is okay now and that this episode didn't get any worse.
Although he still has a ways to go before Janet will put him back on active duty, I'm sure the worst of it is behind him know. Or at least, I pray that it is. As the trio makes there way to the patio, there is one thing I am sure of. Colonel O'Neill is the best CO and the best friend I have ever had. Through the good times and the bad times, I will be here for him to help him deal with what Ba'al did to him. After all, that's what friends are for.
x x x x x x x x x x x x
JACK
After an eternity, or what feels like it anyway, the air begins to feel cooler. The pain slowly subsides and I can her Janet and Grmek speaking in low, encouraging tones. My eyes stay shut, but I can feel the cool washcloth on my forehead.
Have I mentioned lately how much I love that woman? And admire her. I've never met anyone who can be so tough and gentle at the same time. Nor have I ever met a doctor who cares about her patients as much as she does.
"How do you feel, sir?"
Well that's a stupid question. I give her the usual "do you really need to ask" look I give her when she asks me that. Usually, she insists on an answer, but merely smiles and lets it slide this time. I'm relieved when I realize she isn't going to whip out her trusty pen light and blind me. I sit for a few minutes, trying to regain my bearings, before I allow Janet and Grmek to help me stand. I wobble a bit and Erin puts a hand out to steady me. I look at her and grin, and when the hell did I start referring to her, even in my own thoughts, as Erin instead of Grmek? Seeing Teal'c stare at me oddly, I realize just how goofy my grin probably is and lose it.
I look past Teal'c and see Carter looking in. She smiles when our eyes meet and I can see her relief plainly there. Jonas comes up behind her and smiles as well. Looking at them, I realize just how lucky I am to have such great friends.
I need to learn to accept their help . . . to an extent anyway. We're friends. That's what friends do. They help each other. I know that, if the situation was reversed and this had happened to any of my team (yes, even Jonas), I would be there for them. I wouldn't let them deal with it on their own.
As I walk outside with Janet and Erin, and for the first time since I walked back through the Stargate two long months ago, I feel good. I know that this isn't completely over yet, that I'll probably still have flashbacks at times, but I won't be alone. I know that, no matter what, I have friends who love me and who will always be here for me. Even when I try to push them away. That's what friends do.
THE END
Circle me, Lord.
Keep protection near
And danger afar.
Circle me, Lord
Keep hope within.
Keep doubt without.
Circle me, Lord.
Keep light near
And darkness afar.
Circle me, Lord.
Keep peace within.
Keep evil out.