Title: Home (Multichapter fic with 35 parts)

Beta: Lissaea at Livejournal

Warnings, Themes and Tropes, etc.: bondage, torture, prostitution, explicit sex, drug use

Summary: The Vulcans need a new home planet, so the Enterprise and her crew set out to find one for them.

"They'd come all the way for this? Which mad astronomer had sent them out here? Whose twisted idea had it been?"

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any of its characters.

– Home-Part 18 of 35 –

In fact Spock did find a way to get out of the physical Bones wanted him to have; Jim was impressed. Now he was standing in front of a fuming Chief Medical Officer, though.

"Jim, why is Spock repairing data substations instead of sitting in sickbay?"

"We've completed our scans, but we need the final few substations finished by tonight before we can leave for the starbase."

"Jim, really? I know you can fix those substations, why aren't you down there instead of Spock? I'm sure you're the better man for the job."

"I'm the captain, I'm busy! And because I nearly ripped off Reid's head when I went down there last time, remember?"

"Yeah, so what? Give the guy the boot. He does sound like a right ass.
"Oh don't look so downcast Jim, it was inevitable that you'd snap at some point with all this pressure on you. At least it was during repairs in Engineering not during a crisis, like Spock on the bridge.

"He'd just lost his home planet, Bones."

"I know. You don't need to remind me." The doctor ran his hands through his hair. "I have no frigging clue how I would've survived that and carried on working. I know we all have to. It's our duty as Starfleet officers, but think about it, Jim, how would you have dealt with it had it been Earth? Even if the adrenaline had taken you through the shock and got you working off pure anger, then what? He's going frigging nuts, I'm telling you. No one can bottle up so much pain. I'm really worried for Spock-I want him down in sickbay for a full psych evaluation."

"I've seen his psych eval, it was clear."

"Yeah, the same tick-box exercise they put the whole crew through? Everyone showed up as clear on that one. Do you think that means no one on this ship was affected by what happened?"

Jim shook his head. "Of course not."

"Has he talked to you about the destruction of Vulcan?"

Jim focused on the blank wall behind Bones.

"You said him and Uhura had broken up? I guess he's had no one he's been able to talk to since then. Maybe you should try and get closer to him, get him to come out of his shell a bit."

Jim nodded slowly.

Spock was standing outside Jim's quarters. Quickly Jim stepped aside from the door to let him in.

"Hey," he said, grinning. "I wasn't expecting you-not tonight, not after the non-stop work you've been doing in engineering."

Not that Jim had wanted him or Scotty to take a break. He was glad they'd worked until the repairs were complete. The Enterprise had finally pulled out of orbit around Saketh and was on its way to hunt pirates.

"But you're definitely not unwelcome company," Jim added.

The sight of Spock's face, the pointy ears and those dark eyes, all caused his smile to widen even further.

Spock stood stiff, his hands clasped firmly behind his back and his eyes on Jim, his gaze so alert. This intensity was something Jim relished, the way Spock made him feel like the only thing in the universe worthy of attention.

He swallowed hard, closed the gap between them quickly and kissed him. Then Spock cupped his jaw with his left hand and looked right at him. There was an uncharacteristic softness in the dark eyes that he hadn't seen in a while; it made his heart sing. Being allowed to occasionally see behind that mask meant so much to him.

Jim breathed out slowly … it was these precious few moments that made him realize how difficult it was for him to be with someone so undemonstrative of their feelings.

There was a loud beep from his computer. He stiffened on the spot. Just a comm call-but his heart was beating as hard as a hammer.

"Sorry, let me see to this," he mumbled and took the call from the bridge.

They informed him that the Enterprise would now be passing through a patch of poorly charted space.

He terminated the connection and turned back to Spock. "This has got a bit out of hand, hasn't it?"

Spock composed himself in the likeness of an ancient Greek statue, his skin marble white.

"I didn't mean that in a bad way," Jim said quickly.

"Although the Vulcan Standard dialect does not contain any illogical idioms as the United Earth one does, I none the less understood your meaning perfectly."

Jim didn't know what to say to that. So he decided to ignore Spock's reply.

"What I mean is … this. The way you just looked at me … ," he felt a small lump forming in his throat. "We had this urge to explore, and we have, it's been absolutely amazing. But now, I feel ... ."

Jim looked away, he was lost for words.

"Are you alright, Jim?"

He'd been chewing on his bottom lip. Was he alright? He was confused by all the emotions that were suddenly flowing through him. There was a PADD on the chair by his desk—he put it away and sat down.

"What do you think? When a captain jumps at the sound of a mere comm call to his quarters-that's never a good sign." He dug his fingers into his chair's armrests. "Hell no, I'm not alright."

He put his hands over his eyes and rubbed at them with the palms of his hands, before slamming his hand flat on his desk in frustration.

Spock stepped closer to him. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Jim turned away and focused on how cool the surface of the desk was. He could feel the heat rising to his face though and the intensity of the fire in his heart was steadily increasing.

"This is just a completely unsatisfactory situation we're in right now, don't you agree?" He still didn't look at Spock.

This was hard enough to say as it was-he wasn't used to talking about his feelings. He didn't know how to articulate them well and the language center in his brain was refusing to co-operate, as his emotions just came pouring out.

"I can't take it any longer! I'm jumpy, frustrated and, on top of all that, paranoid that someone will find out about us. The secrecy of all this has left my sanity in absolute tatters and I can't afford that."

He took a deep breath and allowed his anger to calm a bit, so his expression only showed the heartache that he felt when he finally turned his head to face his lover. Spock looked as expressionless as before, although he'd put some distance between them.

"Damnit, Spock, I need more than just sex for this to be worth my while, you know? This, whatever it is we have, it's got to take some kind of miracle turn. It has to be … it's got to be a real relationship."

"You wish for us to go public and inform our superiors?"

Jim shook his head vehemently. "Do you know what they'd think of me and my command decisions if they knew about this? They'd tell me I was compromised. No, I know we'd still have to keep this secret, but I need us to start exploring our feelings, our romantic feelings, for one another."

He placed his hands on his chest, above his heart, and closed his eyes. Even if they were still new and needed time to grow, he was sure that Spock did have such feelings for him.

"Jim."

He opened his eyes again. Spock's mouth was slightly open, as if he'd wanted to say something, but had thought better of it. Or maybe he just needed Jim to spell it out for him, cutting through all the emotional words and phrases.

He sagged back into his chair and with the wave of a hand invited Spock to take a seat opposite him. Spock remained where he was though.

Jim took a deep breath. "I don't like how pleading my voice sounds right now. I don't like the way I'm feeling, don't like this place, it's far from an ideal situation. Either we take the next step in this relationship or, … ."

He sighed and buried his head in his hands. "I can't take this anymore. Either a proper, normal relationship or nothing!"

He looked up and once again motioned for Spock to sit down. His hands were shaking from finally putting all his pent up frustration out there in the open, from admitting to his feelings for Spock, feelings that went beyond some sexual curiosity, some need for physical comfort, but that were far deeper.

Spock's emotions seemed to be equally in turmoil as his chest was heaving, and Jim felt his insides twist in a way he hadn't felt since he'd been a nervous teenager in love for the first time.

Then Spock let out a long breath and drew himself up straighter. "I must think. If you would excuse me."

It wasn't a question, for he turned on his heels immediately and left Jim's quarters without looking back.

Jim was dumbfounded. That was not the reaction he was expecting or hoping for. The tension didn't leave his body and he paced his quarters, chewing on his lip until he finally went to bed. He lay there, just staring at the ceiling until he fell asleep in the early hours of the morning.

The next day during shift Jim glanced over at Spock, but he couldn't see any change in behavior. Spock was his calm, professional self. Jim sipped his coffee. When he'd finished it he got up and walked over to Spock, standing behind him, so he could look at the readouts from the science station.

"Anything interesting, Mr. Spock?"

"Not at present, Captain. The star charts we have of this area have so far proven to be reliable enough for our purposes—we have encountered no unexpected phenomena."

Jim nodded and tried to think of a reason to linger. Something funny he could say, some reason to touch Spock's shoulder, do anything-but his mind went unusually blank and so he just moved on quickly. He looked around the bridge, but no one seemed to have been paying him and Spock any attention.

Bones burst onto the bridge. "Get your ass down to medical!"

Jim jumped involuntarily. It wasn't him Bones was after though; his friend was heading for the science station.

Spock turned calmly in his seat. "I assure you, once my shift is-."

"No." Bones fixed Spock with his best glare. "You're coming right now."

Jim chuckled.

"What?" Bones snapped.

"You're trying to outstare a Vulcan!"

"Don't think I can do it? Just watch me."

Bones pointedly turned to face Spock again, his eyes narrowed. It was blue versus blue. Jim knew he was going red in the face from trying to suppress a fit of laughter.

Then Spock got up.

"Doctor," he said.

Jim wished he had a holo-camera on him to capture the look on Spock's face; it was priceless to see him so completely exasperated and irritated. He couldn't hold back any longer and started laughing out loud.

When they'd left the bridge and he had calmed down again he reflected on the reactions of his bridge officers. Some were still obviously recovering from trying to hide their own amusement, but others were giving him odd looks. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. While the feelings he now had for Spock had crept up on him slowly, he was no fool and recognized them for what they were—but he hoped no one else did.

He would not take back what he'd said to Spock last night. He wanted their relationship to progress. He'd heard of close friends becoming lovers, but it had never happened to him before until now. He was nervous. Spock's reaction—it had not been promising to put it mildly, but then even though he knew Spock well, he was unsure how to interpret it. The guy did like to think things over, it didn't have to mean he was going to say no … .

When he was off-duty he took his dinner from the galley to his quarters so he could eat alone. Pushing aside the dread he felt building in his stomach—it was ridiculous really, Spock cared about him, he knew that-he worked through reports on the starbase they were going to visit. He needed to know everything about its layout, its history and the people who visited it and those who lived there.