Title: Home (Multichapter fic with 35 parts)
Beta: un-beta'd D: D: D:
Warnings: bondage, torture, prostitution, explicit sex, drug use, attempted rape
Themes and Tropes: exploration/adventure, outlaws, bottom!Spock
Summary: Jim is heading towards a personal crisis. Their mission is vitally important: to find a new home world for the Vulcan race in the face of alien opposition. Soon it is clear that there is only one planet that will do. To secure the mysterious planet Jim must play his hand perfectly, but guilt at not having been able to save Vulcan and the responsibilities of captaining the Enterprise are wearing him down. Determined to be professional, he forces loneliness upon himself until a kiss he shares with his first officer changes everything.
"Life is short," Spock said.
Those words brought the tight feeling back to Jim's chest and he hugged Spock again. If he'd lost Spock … the idea that he might never have seen those eyes again pained him beyond belief. The excitement he felt paled in comparison to a sudden wave of raw urgency that broke over him.
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any of its characters, Paramount does, and didn't create them either, Roddenberry did.
– Home-Part 32 of 35 –
"Jim, I'm afraid you haven't made any improvement; your ability tests show the same low score," Bones said as he finished taking the latest set of scans the experts had requested.
"I don't feel more stupid," Jim grumbled.
It was frustrating that the tests showed he was when he didn't feel it.
Bones glanced up from his work. "Have any more memories returned?"
Skin on skin; sensitive Vulcan fingertips brushing down the insides of his thighs.
"Yup! The first few days I seemed to be getting quite a few back, although since yesterday I think I've hit some kind of plateau. But I actually feel like I know who I am now-I don't think I'm missing too much more. Sulu said he'd test me on whether I still remember how to pilot a shuttle craft."
"As long as you don't get yourself killed."
He laughed and swung himself off the bed.
At that moment Chapel joined them. "Spock's coming 'round."
Jim's heart was hammering in his chest; he wanted to bolt to Spock's bedside, but Bones seemed perfectly content to wait. The doctor stood with a PADD, leisurely looking through the data. Then he went to a terminal, presumably to forward the brain scans to Starfleet Medical. Chapel came to stand at Jim's side and placed a hand lightly on his forearm.
"I think you're annoying him by tapping your foot like that," she whispered.
"Oh, sorry. I didn't realize I was …."
As soon as he forced himself to stop he felt restless though, but controlled himself enough to not pace around the room. They waited another couple of minutes, before Bones finally turned to face them.
"Finished. Let's go."
They walked to the corner of sickbay that Spock had occupied for five days now. Bones pulled back the light green privacy curtain; Jim's heart sank. Spock hadn't stirred, he could tell. He hung back as Bones and Chapel went to stand on his right. Then Jim slipped in after them and took his place on the left-hand side of the bed.
The other two checked monitors, talked to one another softly, and scanned Spock's still form. Jim straightened his shirt first, then his pants; it stopped him from tapping his foot, but it wasn't anywhere near as good at calming him.
"Nurse Chapel, I think that's all. If you'd go to Ensign Rossetti and administer his medication now?" Bones said not even looking up from the chart in his hands.
"Of course," she said and left.
Bones continued to study the chart.
Finally he looked up. "She's gone."
Then he lowered his gaze back to the PADD.
Jim stared at Bones. Then he looked down at Spock. Did Bones know? Maybe he'd told him? Fuck it, it didn't matter either way. Jim took Spock's cool hand in his and squeezed it. His own heart was so loud he could hear it beating clearly.
"Spock?"
Jim studied the alien's face. It was more blotchy green than white, though his lips were tinged pink as always, and there was some swelling around his nose. Spock's features were relaxed; there was no movement to be seen on his face at all apart from that caused by the steady rise and fall of his chest.
Spock's ear twitched—it actually twitched! Jim couldn't suppress a laugh. He didn't know when he'd last laughed and all of a sudden he couldn't stop. Spock was waking up!
Then, before Spock even opened his eyes, there was the familiar twitch in his face of an eyebrow being raised. When he opened his eyes, they went to first to Jim and then to McCoy.
"Captain?"
Spock's voice was a hoarse whisper. Jim grinned. So Spock remembered!
"I'm just happy that you're okay," he explained.
Opposite him Bones was waving his hand held scanner over Spock; it made a whirring noise and then the doctor turned it off again.
"Apart from cosmetics, Spock," he said, "you're completely healed. I just didn't want to subject you to too much regeneration in one go, so don't take off in fright when you look at yourself in a mirror. I guess your body wisely concentrated its efforts on healing your brain."
"Just a few bruises," Jim said fondly.
Then Bones left them alone. Jim stared after him as he went to his office. Then he stepped away from the bed and drew the curtains tightly shut.
"Spock," Jim said and now allowed his voice to become thick with emotion, "we did it. We got the pirates out of the underground city. Kroth is dead."
Spock's eyes had been following the doctor's retreat too, but now they flicked towards Jim's. Jim brushed his fingers against Spock's and watched his friend's eyes fall closed at the touch. Clearly he was still exhausted. Jim pulled up a nearby seat, not letting go of Spock's hand, circling each knuckle in turn with his thumb.
About a quarter of an hour later Bones returned.
"I might not particularly like Spock," he began, which made Jim furrow his brow.
Bones shrugged. "He has a rather annoying tendency to make decisions based on heartless calculations. But he's a damned good first officer, I'll give him that. I'm glad for the friendship you've found in one another." Bones grinned at him in a lopsided way. "I might not understand the bond you share, but I've gotta respect it—you two are one hell of a team."
Despite his words, Bones had soon shooed Jim out of sickbay though, telling him he needed to get some proper rest. So back to his quarters he went because there was definitely nothing for him to do there what with Scotty taking care of his ship and all. He jumped onto his bed with a PADD, so he could browse the entertainment and news channels. When he was about to give up on finding anything interesting, a report caught his eye.
The Vulcans deserve better…
The voice was familiar—where had he heard it before? He watched the report twice.
Then he put the PADD down, crossed his arms behind his head and lay back. It had cost him a lot to rid Saketh of the pirates and until tomorrow at the earliest Spock wouldn't be able to tell him exactly what had happened (if he remembered), but whatever had occurred there, he could live with the sacrifices he'd made-for the Vulcans, for Spock's people.
Spock. He stared up at the ceiling a while longer, collecting his thoughts. Since he'd been relieved of command he'd not heard anything about the impending inquest. But surely they were now pushing for it to be as soon as possible, since everyone would want him to be able to take over as acting captain. And there was nothing he could do about the review … except for one thing.
With a lump in his throat he called the bridge—Uhura was on duty at her communications station. Not that it really mattered who was on duty, he was sure any of his crew would carry out this request without question regardless of his current command status.
"Could you set up a video call to Admiral Pike and have it directed to my quarters? Secure channel please."
"Yes, sir. One moment."
Jim went to his terminal; the screen flickered to life.
"Do you know what time it is here?" Pike's hair was in disarray and he was still unshaven.
"Hello to you too," Jim said.
Pike massaged the back of his neck with his right hand. "How're you kid? Heard you got yourself beaten up on the inside this time, not just the outside."
"This isn't about me," Jim said to deflect the question. "Spock's just woken up. Doctor McCoy says he's fine."
Pike smiled. "Glad to hear it."
"So he's going to be standing in front of a review panel soon, unless you can help us out here."
"The review? Again?" Pike leant forward in his chair. "Jim, why? I've already read the evidence Doctor McCoy has submitted. I can't say that more investigation into this case isn't needed, but I'm sure he'll be acquitted."
There was no turning back now. Jim had made his choice and he'd chosen his relationship with Spock over his friendship with Pike. He knew he'd messed up, if only he'd been honest from the start—but that was something he couldn't change now.
He looked down at his hands. "I'm not worried about the actual accusations, but rather what the further investigations you talked about will reveal. Spock and I, … we're lovers."
A loud noise made him snap his head up to the screen; Pike had brought his fist down on the table in front of him.
"You know how vulnerable Spock is after all he's been through. I can't believe you took advantage of him in this state, just because you needed your alien sex fix!" Pike's face was flushed red. "You disgust me. And now you're asking me to cover up for you? The nerve you have!"
Jim threw his hands up in front of him in a placating gesture. "It's not like that. I didn't take advantage of Spock! And I'm not asking for help for my sake, but for Spock's."
"Oh Really?" Pike didn't raise his voice, but it's edge was so sharp it would have been able to slice through tritanium with ease. "Because it's normally the superior officer who gets their ass kicked when a relationship in the same chain of command was kept secret from those who should've been informed-in this case me, or any of the other admirals you take orders from, Kirk. Obviously I made a grave mistake in judgment. I wanted to believe in you, but you're still too arrogant, too full of yourself to take the responsibilities that you have to take as a captain."
He'd never in his life seen Pike this angry; he knew he'd hurt him.
"No, this isn't about me, it's about Spock. Chris, you just said, he's already had to deal with so much…."
But at that moment Pike terminated the connection.
"This is a sickbay not a conference room!" Bones protested as the senior crew all filtered in to stand around Spock's bedside. "Should I be providing little sandwiches as snacks, too? Would you like that?"
"Ay, this meeting will only take a wee while, Doctor McCoy," Scotty said. "Still, sandwiches are always appreciated."
Jim had chosen to wear civilian clothing. He'd been invited to join them, but the reality, that he was no longer the captain of the Enterprise, had sunk in the moment he'd disembarked from the shuttle with Sulu. All those years of training for nothing—he couldn't even fly a shuttle anymore.
He didn't want to make this harder for Scotty or anyone else, so he stood to one side; he'd make sure to hold his tongue and let his chief engineer take the lead.
Spock was able to remember everything—he explained what had happened and, most importantly, why. Jim was glad that he wasn't currently going through hell for nothing, that there'd been a reason for their actions.
"So can ye tell if the stones are still intact?" Scotty asked.
"I will have to go down there again, but I would not do so before meditating extensively in preparation."
The next day Jim stalked the ship's corridors. He was making his way towards sickbay to see Spock, but he wasn't taking the most direct route—there was a lot going through his mind and he wanted to have it at least somewhat in order before he told Spock that he'd told Pike. It seemed Pike wasn't going to be much help, but at least he probably wouldn't tell the other admirals. If he had, then it was already over. But he didn't believe that; they could still come up with a plan together. Maybe he could teach Spock how to lie-after all, Spock was half-human.
He stopped walking; he was there. The doors to sickbay slid open and he walked through. But Spock wasn't in his bed.
"Nurse Chapel?"
"Yes sir?"
"Where's Mr. Spock?"
"Oh, he was released about a quarter of an hour ago. I think he's gone to the Excaliburbecause of the review."
He ran his fingers through his hair. "Why wasn't I told?"
"I informed Acting Captain Scott," Chapel replied, smiling weakly.
Jim nodded. "Right."
Then he bolted. He had to get to the transporter room! But when he got there the ensign at the controls refused to beam him over. He'd had his command taken away from him after all and so he was in no position to tell the ensign what to do. Fuck. Fuck and fuck again.
He hit the controls of the nearest comm panel on the wall. "Scotty!"
"Mr. Kirk, what can I do for ye?"
"I need to stop the review. I need to get over to the Excaliburnow!"
"Sir, ye cannae do that. We need Commander Spock back. I dinnae want this responsibility-we have to get this over with as quickly as possible."
"No, Scotty, listen to me. This inquest has to be stopped. And I'm not mad, I might have lost some memories, some abilities to learn, maybe even some professional knowledge, hell knows I'm not the captain any more with good reason, but I'm not insane. You've got to believe me on this one."
"I know, sir, I know. But what are ye gonna do? Do ye have a plan?"
Jim closed his eyes. Quietly he said: "No."
The statement was met with silence and Jim knew they all pitied him-James T. Kirk without plan-and he hated that more than anything. He never had a plan anyway! Right, so Pike hadn't stopped the review. Who else could he ask for help? Who?
"Uhura?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Can you put me through to Maxime Lessard, UE News 24? Contact his family or something; get hold of his personal comm frequencies. Starfleet intelligence might have them. Just somehow … can you get hold of him?"
He imagined her exchanging glances with Scotty. Did he still have the man's trust? An agonizing few heart beats later she replied.
"Yes, sir, I can do that."
Jim breathed a sigh of relief. "Good, when you get hold of him, put the call through to the conference room on a secure channel. This call is to be off the records."
"Understood."
"Okay, Kirk out."
He dashed out of the transporter room and as soon as he got to his destination he commed Uhura for a status update.
"Mr. Lessard is standing by. Voice only."
"Thank you!" Jim replied.
"Captain Kirk, what can I do for you?" Maxime asked.
"Maxime. You remember we met on Verna VI?"
"Yes, of course."
"You still want that interview?"
"You saw my report? I thought Starfleet wanted to string me up!"
"Maybe they do. But I'm not talking to you officially. This is on a secure channel and strictly off the record."
"I know, otherwise I wouldn't be talking to you now. So you're offering me an interview off the record?"
"If that's what you want. But I want something in return."
"And what would that be?"
Jim took a deep breath. "Well, since you're now the hero within the media who's uncovering all misdeeds against the Vulcans, I have something here for you. Here's what I want you to do …."
Jim cut the call to Maxime after a hurried promise that he would get his interview in full at a later date. He collapsed in his chair, sprawling his upper body over the table in front of him.
"Kirk to … sickbay."
"McCoy here. What's up?"
Jim closed his eyes tight, but nothing he did made it any easier to breathe. His head felt it like was in some kind of vice that was tightening by the second. He wasn't sure how long he'd lain there like that, but when the doors hissed open he groaned at the disturbance.
"Jim! McCoy to sickbay, medical emergency: I want a team sent to the conference room now."
The doctor scanned him and then sat him upright.
"That hurts!" Jim protested.
"Open your eyes for me."
Jim complied.
"They're bloodshot," Bones said. "Shit, I think you're brain is suffering some small seizures. This hypo is going to knock you out, okay?"
Jim just grunted in reply. He felt the hypo against his neck and welcomed the blackness.
When he came to he was unsurprisingly in sickbay. He was no longer in pain, and he knew where he was, why he was there. He was, or had been, Captain James T. Kirk.
Bones came over to his bedside. "Can I take a seat?"
"Sure," Jim said, a grin on his face at the absurdity of his friend's question. "Anything that will stop me getting bored here in sickbay."
"I've consulted the experts," the doctor said. "There are a variety of treatment plans you could follow. I think we should start one soon though so that this doesn't happen again."
"Whichever you think is best, Bones."
"Huh. Well, in that case … I'll be honest. All the established treatments won't get you the results you need to resume your career in the Fleet and I'll be damned if I have to serve the next few years under Captain Spock. That's not my idea of a fun time. There are some new forms of brain therapy which we could try—but they are just that, brand new, still in the final stages of testing."
"They'd be able to repair the damage completely?"
"Possibly. A combination of drugs and mental exercises will encourage regeneration, but most importantly help your brain adjust so undamaged areas can take over more functions."
Jim closed his eyes. "So what you're saying is, you can make me smart again. But what about all the professional knowledge I lost? The memories?"
"I'm sorry, Jim …."
In one movement Jim sat up and fixed Bones with hard blue eyes. Then he nodded and a smile spread across his face.
"Then I'd better have a look through the Starfleet curriculum and study everything that I've forgotten. I'll sit all the exams again if necessary. I can do that. Don't worry, you won't have to live with Captain Spock for too long."
"The treatment will take a while. You'll be on medical leave for several months."
"Gives me plenty of time to relearn everything! You'll see, I'll be back."
"Back? Where the hell do you think you're going?"
Jim stuck out his lower lip and pretended to study the ceiling. "I can't stay here on the Enterprise. I couldn't take it to be here and not be in command of her. And it wouldn't be fair on Spock; I can't put him in a position in which he has to listen to me telling him what we should be doing, leaving him to guess whether I'm well enough to actually make the call or not."
"You want to take medical leave on Earth?"
"Hell no."
"Saketh?"
"What? No! I mean…."
Jim thought about it. On Saketh he could at least do something useful with his time by helping to set up the new colony.
"Maybe. Would I be able to?"
Bones was silent for a while. "You know, I don't want to let you out of this sickbay, let alone onto some crazy planet that could be full of dangers we don't even know about yet. You'd be far away from a medical facility until they establish one down there. But I know you. You're a reckless idiot, and you won't be happy locked up in a hospital. And I think for you to heal, you have to be happy. And you're right-you wouldn't be if you stayed here. I'll look into it for you."
"Thank you."
They sat in silence for a while.
"So," Bones said eventually. "The review. You want it stopped. Why?"
"How long was I unconscious for?"
"Not long. It's only been about half an hour since I found you."
Well, it wasn't like there was anything else he could do now to stop it.
"What do you think? Why do I want to stop it?" he asked bitterly, remembering Pike's reaction.
"Because you like Spock. You like him a lot. And you want to protect him."
At least his friend understood him. Maybe one day Pike would. Bones stood up to leave.
"Wait, don't go," Jim said.
"What is it, kid?"
"To stop the review I called Pike. I told him everything, Bones. I tried to drag him into this. I think I've lost the man's good grace forever. And I knew I would, too. I knew he'd never forgive me."
Bones gripped Jim's upper arm tightly.
"Thanks," Jim replied.
Yeah, his friend knew that he saw Pike as a kind of father figure. He understood what it had therefore cost him to ruin his relationship with Pike.
"I'm sure Spock will appreciate it," Bones mumbled.
Clearly the doctor was trying to convince himself of that fact, but didn't quite believe it. He was never going to understand Spock, was he? It brought a smile to Jim's face.
"Sir," Uhura's voice sounded over the intercom. "Acting Captain Spock would like to talk to you."
Acting Captain? The inquest couldn't have finished so quickly, there hadn't even been time for it to start, right? Which could only mean one thing ….
He could hear the smile Uhura was wearing, it colored her voice as she said that she would transfer Spock's call to the nearest sickbay monitor. Clearly contacting Maxime had been the right thing to do!
Spock appeared on screen, one eyebrow already raised, the corners of his lips slightly upturned.
"Admiral Pike has informed me that Starfleet has come to the conclusion that they do not wish to risk further tarnishing their public image by 'mistreating' a Vulcan over a trivial cultural misunderstanding." When speaking the last few words Spock narrowed his eyes slightly.
Jim got the feeling there would be 'words' later because he'd pulled the 'have pity on the Vulcans' card. And he was sure that had probably pissed Spock off no end (that is to say he'd find it morally questionable), but he hadn't been able to think of anything else even though he knew it was wrong.
"I believe he'd already been trying to persuade the Admirals of this course of action, when the press received an anonymous tip off," Spock paused for less than a heartbeat to stare at Jim more intensely, "from within Starfleet about this investigation and informed them that they had no qualms in publishing this story in the evening news."
Jim grinned. Well it had worked, and for now that's all he cared about.
Spock continued. "How circumspect of the press to risk depriving themselves of such an interesting news story by informing Starfleet of their intentions before the inquest could even begin."
"Who says the press has no morals?" Jim winked. "So the inquest hadn't even started?"
"No. Jim, I must go. I will talk to you later."