Disclaimer: the Sookie Stackhouse Series is the creation of Charlaine Harris. Don't sue me Charlaine! I love your books.
III.
I broke away from Eric and took off toward the employees exit, walking out into the alley behind the bar. I was breathing heavily in the cold, and shivering, since I had left my jacket inside on the chair at Eric's table. I paced nervously, absorbed in the feeling that I just wanted to get away from here, away from everything. I glanced around. Eric's car was there, but the rest of the alley was dark and empty.
I noticed a ladder on the side of the building. I looked up at the roof. I carefully climbed up onto the roof of the building. It was breezy and I shivered. The noise from the bar seemed farther away. It was quieter, calmer. I looked up at the cloudy night sky and made out a few bright stars through the thinner clouds. It felt like I had more breathing room with the sky above me. And I was blessedly alone. I sat down and leaned against some sort of vent, sitting on the cold roof. I remembered long ago sitting out on the porch roof of Gran's house at night, trying to collect my thoughts when I had felt frustrated or alone. Breathing room. I needed room to breathe.
I sat there quietly for several minutes, catching my breath, trying to find some sense of calm. I began to be aware of voices below and could clearly distinguish Eric and Pam. I didn't feel like calling out. Besides, I was sure that Eric could find me in seconds if he put his mind to it. Sure enough I heard the door to the bar shut and Eric gently alighted onto the edge of the roof. He had my jacket, which he tossed to me. He stood above me wordlessly, with arms crossed. He glanced around with a bit of distaste but sat down in front of me.
"Sookie, your choice of locations is a bit odd. But sure enough, we're not in the bar. You and I need to talk, Lover." He sounded somewhat sterner than before.
I burst into tears. He just stared at me as if I were completely foreign to him. Through my tears, I said "Eric, I just can't talk about it, okay? Can we just skip the talk? Yes, it all happened. Yes, you remembered. Fine. Over. Done. Okay? I'm glad it all worked out and that you remembered and now you can feel back in control. We don't need to talk about it. It's over."
"Sookie…" His voice sounded so gentle now. He reached out to take my hand. "Sookie, I don't know how you did what you did. But it's obvious that it's left you very hurt. We do need to talk about our time together. We must. And I know a lot of the hurt that you carry with you from that time has to do with the way I… the way I behaved at times afterwards. I'm so sorry. I very sorry."
"Listen Eric, about the most I'm willing to say is that you were my friend, and I just took care of you the best way that I could. I knew what I was getting into, and it's done. So don't worry about it. It's over."
"But Lover, it's not over," he replied gently, stroking my hand. "We have real feelings for each other, Sookie. We were so happy…"
I twisted in anguish internally. Remembering things that I had really tried so hard to forget. I could feel Eric sensing my internal conflict through the bond, trying to move closer, to be kind?! Damn it! I pulled my hand away from his. If it wasn't bad enough to be so hurt, to have those feelings laid out so openly through the bond was intolerable. I hated it. My sorrow and anger just welled up. I felt every bit as naked as anyone I'd ever read could possibly feel. The irony! I felt like my heart was breaking all over again and he felt he should be kind? Then I just snapped.
I burst out "God, I hate this! I hate him for it!" Eric recoiled as if I had struck him and I felt a sudden welling up of emotional pain. I suddenly realized he must have thought that I meant I hated him. "No, Eric not you! Andre! I hate Andre. I hate him for putting me, for putting us, in this position! I know it's not your fault. I know you were only trying to protect me from something even worse. But I just hate it. I feel like I have no privacy. No peace. Sometimes I wish I had just gone ahead and had the bond with Andre, even though I know he would probably have killed me as soon as he realized he had no real power over me with it! At least I would have been spared this. I just don't want to go on like this. I can't stand it. I can bear it."
Eric looked stunned as he regarded me silently for a moment. He looked as if he was trying to choose his words carefully. "Sookie…."
"Is it ever going to fade?" I interrupted.
He shook his head, silently. "Sookie, I … I had no idea that you were feeling so…" Eric seemed really caught off guard by my emotions. Even as upset as I was, I was struck by the fact that glib Eric, hardly ever at a loss for words, seemed not to know what to say. That made me feel not a little scared. I felt like I was just spinning.
"I don't want to live like this. I feel totally empty inside. I feel… so alone. I feel sad all the time. I miss my Gran. I miss feeling loved. I feel…" I couldn't continue. I erupted into tears again.
When I calmed down a bit again, I glanced up at Eric, who had moved closer. He now looked genuinely alarmed. He put his arms around me and kissed my forehead.
"Sookie, I wish I had known that you were feeling so low. You have to promise me- promise me- that you're going to make a conscious effort to do things that will make you happy. You need to rest. You need to be calm. I'm…" He looked at me as if he wasn't even sure of what to say. "Sookie, promise me you won't do anything rash. I need your word." He looked me directly in the eyes. "Promise me."
I felt odd then. As if all the pent up emotion was slowly ebbing away. Eric lifted my head by the chin so my eyes would meet his. "Your word, my Love." I nodded mutely. I felt utterly exhausted.
Eric gathered me into his arms and the next thing I knew we were on the ground in the alley. He placed me back on my feet gently, and took my hand to walk me back inside. He led me to his office with his arm around my shoulders, sat me on the couch, gently kissed my forehead and left the room. Pam showed up very shortly thereafter, looking concerned. She sat with me for several minutes, quietly. I was very out of it. At one point, Pam reached across and brushed a few strands of hair out of my face and tucked them behind my ear. I barely registered it. I felt numb. Eric returned with a glass of ginger ale, which he pressed into my hands. He spoke to Pam briefly in some other language. I thought I caught something about Claudine, but couldn't understand any of it. Pam rose and I couldn't really see what she was doing as she left.
Eric sat down next to me on the couch, with his arm around my shoulders. He kissed me again gently on my temple. Murmuring into my ear, "You'll be fine Sookie. We'll be fine."
I could not remember a time when I had felt more exhausted. "Eric, can Pam just take me home? I just want to go home."
"She will shortly, my Love," he replied. "I want you to promise me you'll really rest."
Pam returned carrying my purse and made a quick nod to Eric and handed him his phone. "Sookie," she said, "Are you ready to go home?"
I nodded in agreement. Pam put an arm around me as we walked toward the exit. Eric followed after and drew me away from her and held me in his arms. He kissed me tenderly and murmured something about seeing me the following day. I felt a burst of warmth flow over me, a burst almost as if it required effort to get it to flow into me.
As we walked outside, the awaited snow had begun to fall. I looked up into the falling snowflakes and sighed wearily.
Once in the car, I fell asleep on the way home, and awoke to find my cheeks wet with tears. As I got out of the car, Pam brushed them away, seeming to struggle to resist the temptation to taste them, brushing them instead on the sleeves of my jacket. Amelia met us at the door. As I went in, she spoke briefly with Pam. I wandered off to my bedroom and just managed to get my jacket and shoes off and fall into bed.
I awoke briefly in the night and had the vague impression that Bill was reading in the rocking chair in my room. That was odd. I fell back to sleep without even speaking. It had to be a dream.