To: quinnjames[at]redsquare. com
From: bradellis[at]gmail. com
Subject: For the book

Dear Quinn,

I understand that you did not want to be contacted at this address, however, you did not leave an alternative. Would you possibly be able to give me another email to contact you at, as I need to ask you a few questions for the book.

Thank you,
Brad

To: bradellis[at]gmail. com
From: quinnjames[at]gmail. com
Subject: The book

Dear Brad,

I'm sorry for not giving you another address! It must have slipped my mind. I was having a bit of a tough day when you first emailed. Anyway, this is my personal address. I just prefer to keep my work and home things separate. It helps to avoid stress, you know?

Please feel free to ask me anything you need to know, and I shall answer to the best of my ability. How is the project going?

Hope to hear from you soon,

Quinn

To: quinnjames[at]gmail. com
From: bradellis[at]gmail. com
Subject: RE: The book

Thank you for getting in touch with me. The project is going very well, thank you! Sometimes I get to a bit where it gets a bit hard to know where to go, but I'm enjoying it immensely.

However, I've got now to a point where I need to ask you a few questions. Obviously I'm not all-seeing and all-knowing, as useful as that would be! So, I have a few questions for you about the events of your sophomore year.

I understand that these may be difficult for you to answer, so please feel free to tell me as much or as little as you feel you can. I'd simply like your story about your pregnancy.

To give you a guide, these are some particular things I'd be interested in knowing:
What was your first reaction?
Who did you first tell, and what was their reaction?
How long did you wait to tell Finn? And Puck? What did they think?
What helped you through the harder times?
How did your parents react? I understand that you moved in with Mercedes soon after you told them, so why did you choose to do that?
What were the hardest parts of the pregnancy itself, as well as the good things?
What was the birth like? And afterwards? I take it you spoke to Miss Corcoran – what did you say to her?

Please don't feel obliged to answer these questions. Just tell me what you feel you can.

Thank you
Brad

To: bradellis[at]gmail. com
From: quinnjames[at]gmail. com
Subject: RE: The book

I've been expecting you to ask me for a few weeks now. I've been thinking about this frequently – what to say, what not to say, how to say it. I guess I was just trying to be prepared for when you wanted to know, but suddenly, I don't seem to be prepared at all.

I'll use your questions as a guide for what to say.

I guess my first reaction was shock. It's the last thing you expect to see when you're sixteen years old, president of the celibacy club and only lost your virginity a matter of weeks ago under more-than-dubious circumstances. All I'll say is that there was alcohol involved, wine coolers and things. I remember very little else of that night. It's a regret for me, that my first time wasn't special. I prayed that night – the first time I had done sincerely in months. Brought up Catholic, I'd never taken the biggest interest in religion before then. I went to church on Sundays with my parents, wore a crucifix, but beyond that, I never seemed do anything else. But I had nowhere else to turn to, so I prayed. I guess I did become more spiritual over the course of my pregnancy. I needed guidance and help, somewhere to talk about my problems, and the idea comforted me.

The first person I told was Finn. I felt he should be the first to know, as it would compromise the whole relationship we had. But I couldn't tell him the child was someone else's. Finn was, and still probably is, naive enough to believe anything that has the faintest chance of being plausible in his mind, and so I lied, told him the child was is, that he got me pregnant from sharing a hot tub. I think he was even more shocked than I was. He seemed scared, confused, and ultimately completely lost. He didn't know what to do, and I felt so, so awful, but I didn't want to lose the relationship we had. Myself as captain of the cheerleaders, him as the star quarterback – we were two of the most popular people at school. We turned heads, incited jealously, and I loved that feeling of power, of knowing people envied me, envied us.

Having said that, I think one of the most disappointing things about my pregnancy was losing my position on the Cheerios. I knew it would happen sooner or later, but I still wasn't prepared for when it did. Being on the team gave you status. It made you popular. If a guy found out you were a cheerleader, you'd suddenly be ten times more attractive to him and he'd ask to date you immediately. You would find yourself in the best position possible in high school; everyone liked you but everyone also wanted to be you. We were the elite, the top of the social order. And once you were off the team, you fell down again right to the bottom of the pile. It felt like all my hard work had just been torn apart. One moment I was everything, and the next I was less than nothing.

I never told Puck. Finn did. Thinking he was the father, he confided in his best friend. I would have felt bad for them both, except I had much more pressing matters on my mind. Then Puck came, confronted me. I told him it was his, of course. Well, he'd guessed. He was angry, to give an understatement. I think his words were something like, "Well, call the Vatican, we've got another immaculate conception on our hands." I blamed him. I thought it was his fault, getting me drunk and seducing me. But it was my mistake too, one I would have to handle.

Then something else came up. Something that seemed like a solution to all our problems. I don't know if you know that Mr Schuester's wife was pregnant – or at least, she thought she was. Turned out it was a hysterical pregnancy; she kept up the illusion in the hope that it would save their failing marriage, or so she told me. Anyway, now it seemed she had the perfect solution. She approached me with the guise of giving me pre-natal advice, then asked me if she could adopt my child once he or she was born. At first, I refused. Then I realised I'd never be able to raise this child by myself, and if it would keep Mr Schuester and is family happy, it could be convenient and would mean none of us had to compromise; the child would have a good home, and I could go back to living my life as normal, stay with Finn, get back on the Cheerios, everything I had before.

Of course it didn't work out that way. Mr Schuester realised what his wife had done and called her out on it. So I was lost again, had nowhere else to go.

I never told my parents either. Not really. Finn came round for dinner at my house and serenaded me with a song that was just a little too obvious. It was touching, and lovely, but my parents didn't seem to think the same. At least, my father didn't. So they told me to move out. My mother was someone who was always very submissive, had a very passive personality, while my father was the complete opposite. He walked all over her. He was never abusive, and they loved each other very much, but when it came to the most important matters, my mother had no say, and she wouldn't have stood up to him out of fear.

I moved in with Finn first; his mother, Carole, was lovely about everything. She gave me advice when I needed it and generally was very kind and caring. She even let me stay when Finn asked me to leave, having found out the child wasn't his, and she defended me. I cannot express my gratitude enough for everything she game me. However, she moved in with Kurt's father a few weeks after, so I was no longer able to stay with her. Mercedes offered me a place, saying her brother had just gone off to college and that they had a spare bedroom. Her parents were fine with it, so I stayed with her.

I guess you were there when Finn realised he wasn't the father. That fight, in front of the whole club, I don't know how to describe it. Humiliated might be a good word.

I've come to realise now that there are much more painful things than childbirth. Or maybe you just forget the pain so quickly that you have to be in the moment to experience the full extent of it. I went into labor just after we came off stage at Regionals. I think the physical exertion from the dancing may well have helped to contribute to it starting. I was speaking to my mother – she'd come to apologise, said she'd left my father. Of course I accepted, but at that moment, I was solely focused on the birth of my child, my little girl. Mercedes was there, as was Puck, and my mother. A lot of the experience is lost afterwards, I've found, even after having a second child more recently. It hurt – a lot – and apparently I screamed a lot. I can't tell you any more. You'll have to talk to them if you want any more details.

We named her Beth. Well, Puck named her Beth, and I let him. I liked the name. It was pretty, just like she was.

I knew I couldn't keep her. It broke my heart, having to leave her, but it was for the best. I couldn't raise a child, and then Shelby came; she explained how she couldn't have one of her own, and somehow we came to the agreement that she could adopt her, take her to New York to raise her. Both of us would get a second chance, after what happened between her and Rachel, and I could live a normal life once more. So we arranged for the adoption papers to be filed.

I don't regret giving Beth up. I'm happy she's growing up with someone who cares about her, someone who loves her and who truly wanted her. What I regret is not staying in contact. I wish I could see photographs, watch as she grew up and developed, went to school, made friends, joined clubs – music and theatre as I can imagine, given both her parents, but maybe something else. What if she's a cheerleader, or in marching band, or gymnastics, or plays soccer? It's those things I regret not knowing. I love her, and I think about her every day. I just hope she knows that.

I'm sorry if you needed anything else, but I've spent over an hour and a half trying to type this out, get it right. Just email me, and I'll get round to it as soon as I can.

Quinn

To: quinnjames[at]gmail. com
From: bradellis[at]gmail. com
Subject: RE: The book

Dear Quinn,

Thank you so, so much for all the information you gave me.

You've been so brave to open up like this, and to do so in such a way is admirable.

If I need anything else, I will let you know, but what you've given me is more than enough for now. I'll try contacting Finn, Puck and Mercedes about this as well, if that's okay with you.

You're a brave, brave girl, Quinn.

Speak to you soon,
Brad

Again, thank you so, so much to all who have read and commented so far!

In particular, to the person who gave me some great con-crit on the last update. I understand why you didn't want to leave a name, but I want to thank you for your feedback. I've been trying to alternate between what they're all doing now, and the work on the book, but I'm having trouble getting the balance right, and I thank you for pointing that out and letting me know. But I probably would have written you an essay explaining myself if you had done this under your username, so maybe it's for the better that you didn't!

Anyway, to all of you - I can't thank you enough for your support!