Wee bit of date transitioning in this chapter...
Chapter Fifteen: The Center Cannot Hold
1084 days ABG
"Master Altis, I appreciate your concern, but I cannot shirk my duty to the Jedi Order, especially now." Honi's voice was pitched low, but her words were fierce as she leveled her gaze on the Jedi Master. The three Jedi were huddled together in the far corner of the infirmary, seemingly alone in their own conversation, though Kali could feel Stonewall's attention upon her. Beyond them, the clones were engrossed in a discussion of their own; after a few minutes Zara and the cadets left the room, Weave, Milo and Traxis following a bit later.
Altis shook his head. "I'm not suggesting you 'shirk' anything. I just think that it would be unwise to rush into a situation like this without more knowledge of what's going on, particularly if Coruscant has become a battleground."
Honi's mouth drew in a line. "The Jedi need us right now, Master. But I don't suppose you would understand such a thing-"
"Honi." Kalinda tried to keep her tone even, but firm. "We're all Jedi, here. And there's no need for that kind of talk, especially when Master Altis has shown us such kindness." She held the younger woman's gaze. "No one in this room has any intention of abandoning their duty, but more information is always helpful. You can't cure a symptom until you know the illness, correct?" As expected, the comparison seemed to mollify her former apprentice somewhat, though Kali could still sense the red-haired woman's impatience.
"I know, Kalinda. I just..." Honi sighed and her jaw was tight. "I just want to help."
"And we will." Kali thought of her promise to Obi-Wan and felt a flare of guilt. I'm coming back, my friend, but I don't think it's in the way that you hoped.
This realization made her glance at the Jedi Master. For a moment he almost seemed afraid; there was a shadow that crossed over his face before his features smoothed. "This feels wrong," he said, almost to himself. At the looks from the women he shook his head. "The situation with the Chancellor...it feels off somehow."
"It's war," Honi said in a sharp tone. "Something's always wrong. What matters is how we deal with it." Here she paused and gave Kalinda a frown. "Speaking of which; you're returning here, then?"
Kalinda nodded. "I am. There are some matters that will need to be taken care of. After that...well, we'll see. I know it's not a perfect plan," she added, lifting her hand at Honi's look. "But I'm doing the best I can." Hopefully it will be enough.
They talked for a few more minutes, hammering out specifics and such, before Altis excused himself to confer with some of his students. Kalinda wanted to speak with Stonewall in private, but Honi refused to let Crest be moved. "I can knock him out for you instead," she offered, lifting her hand.
"No, Honi," Kali said with a sigh. "That won't..." She trailed off as the red-haired Jedi ignored her and sent a ripple of Force-energy to the bald clone, whose eyes grew bleary just before his head lolled on the pillow and he began snoring. Her former Padawan flashed Kali a knowing look before stepping out of the room, murmuring something about checking on the Wayfarer, thus leaving Kali and Stone in relative privacy.
Stonewall's voice was quiet as he looked at her. "You're going to leave the Jedi, aren't you?"
She moved to sit beside him on the sleep-couch. "I haven't made up my mind, yet. But there are some...things I need to look into that I'm just not sure the Council would allow."
"Like?"
Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out the small, leather-bound flimsi and handed it to him. As he thumbed through it, she spoke. "Master Altis gave it to me; it belonged to my mother while she studied with him."
At this he looked up at her, his brow furrowed. "Are you certain?" He glanced back down at the journal with skepticism.
"I haven't had a chance to read but a few bits and pieces," she said, reaching for the volume and indicating a page at the front. "But see? That's her: Kamala Riss. She mentions my father quite a bit." She paused and thought over Altis' words before she added: "This may be the beginnings of the answer to why you can use the Force...there's a passage here-" she indicated another page that she'd dog-eared. "-that leads me to think that it has to do with her."
Stonewall scanned the passage, but shook his head. "I don't understand, Kali. This doesn't make any sense to me..." He exhaled and looked back at her. "Perhaps you can just take a leave of absence, and we can both look into the matter of your family and the Force."
His tone was hopeful but she gave a slow shake of her head. "There's more to this...situation than a leave of absence can fix, even if Jedi were permitted such things. I doubt they'll want to let me investigate my family, though they might let me go if it pertains to why you can use the Force. I don't know. That's why I want to talk to them."
"Okay, Kali. That's...that's okay. But I won't let you go back to the Core without me," he replied in a tight voice. "The army, the Jedi, the Republic...in the end none of it matters for me, as long as I can be where you are. You're worth fighting for, to my last breath, more so than anything else I've ever known. I hope you know that." His tone softened at the end of his speech.
"I do." For a moment they looked at each other and she felt that familiar-but-strange longing that whispered in her mind at his steady gaze. More. There is more to life than what you always thought. She wanted to kiss him, to curl up beside him and forget the rest of the conversation that she knew was coming, but it would be futile, in the end. "Stonewall..."
But he was looking at the journal again, shaking his head at it as though it were an unruly knot that he needed to untangle. "If her last name was Riss and your father's was Ki, where did 'Halcyon' come from?"
She shifted closer to him as best she could on the small couch. "My mother was Corellian. It's a fairly common surname in that system – there are even some prominent Jedi who share it, though we're not related – and they wanted me to have a degree of anonymity." At least, that's what Jonas told me. It seems like that's true enough, at any rate.
He studied the journal for a few more minutes before setting it in his lap and looking at her. "And you don't think that the Council will allow you to look into this. Is that why you want to leave the Jedi Order?" His voice was very careful and she could tell that he was examining her every word.
"I'm not leaving the Jedi, Stone," she replied. "I just have questions...too many questions, I suppose. I don't know that they'd understand. But I have to try. If the war's end is imminent, then perhaps I can look into everything sooner than I hope. I don't want to abandon my duty, but I must know the truth."
"Kali, I understand that. But..." He exhaled and ran his hand over his hair. "That's not the real reason. You've been upset with the Council ever since we went to Kamino. This matter with your mother feels like an excuse." His eyes on her missed nothing and she felt her stomach tightening. He nodded. "I knew it."
She studied her hands as they laced together in her lap, and tried to gather her thoughts. Finally she looked back at him and took a deep breath. "You're right, Stone. There are some...things I need to sort out: I need to talk to Mace and I promised Obi-Wan I'd come back to the Temple. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but...I don't think the Council knows what they're doing, right now. I think..." The thoughts she'd been having over and over since their mission had begun were ceaselessly worrying at her brain.
"What, Kali?" His voice was gentle and he put his hand over hers.
"What kind of value can be put to a life – any life? Is one life worth more than another by virtue of its creation or its purpose? Is the life of a Jedi worth more than that of a clone?" She met his eyes and noted the surprise in them. "I've been thinking this over and over...to me, they're the same. They're worth the same. But to the Council..." She frowned. "They've sent children into war. Granted, Zara wasn't on the front lines – though I've heard of other Padawans who are – but in the end she's no different than the clone boys. They're all being used the same way. Like you and your brothers are being used."
He shook his head. "It's war, Kali. Things are exponentially harder then they would be otherwise. It's not a pretty reality, but there it is."
"War shouldn't justify every action. The Jedi Code has taught me to respect all forms of life. But it doesn't feel like the Code is being honored when I hear about your brothers being sent to their deaths by the thousands, when I see children like Zara thrust into the middle of a warzone, or when I realized that those boys were abandoned by the very entity that they were created to fight for." Her voice was quiet but very, very calm and she could feel anger simmering beneath her sorrow, so she tried to cast the feeling aside.
Stonewall absorbed her words and was silent for several minutes while he thought them over. Finally he looked back at her. "I agree with you about Zara and the lads; it isn't right to send children into battle. I never really thought about it before this mission, but I understand it now. However," he paused again and took a deep breath. "None of those things mean that the Jedi don't care about the clones. In the end, we're all doing our duty to the Republic."
But she felt the thrill of anger rise to the surface, sharp and sudden. "No, Stone. It comes down to the fact that they're using the clones – you and your brothers – without consideration or compassion. The situation with the boys proves that, and goes against everything that the Jedi Order stands for, everything that I've worked for and believed in my entire life." At some point her hands had started shaking.
"Kali..." He sighed and shut his eyes for a moment to gather his thoughts. When he looked back at her, his gaze was filled with remorse. "That's not how I – or most of the clones, by the way – see it. Doesn't my opinion matter?"
It was so hard to say what she had to say, but her resolve had long ago solidified to a crystalline point of clarity and she could not keep the words back any longer. "In this instance, Stonewall, you don't have the perspective that I do. I wish it weren't so, but it's the truth."
For a moment he was absolutely still and she could feel the wound her words had inflicted. "You've never played that card before," he replied at last in a quiet voice. "I didn't think you would." They were silent for a few minutes before he spoke again. "It may not matter anymore if this really will be the end of the war."
Though she could tell that he'd tried to push her words to the side and make his expression hopeful, she could detect a lingering fear that went deeper than anything she'd felt from him before, one that superseded even his reaction to what she'd said.
"What is it?" Kali tried to keep her voice gentle.
Honey-brown eyes met hers; within them she couldn't discern a trace of bitterness over her sharp words, for all that she felt she deserved it. "Take me with you when you go to Coruscant."
"I can't." She shook her head. "Stone...we have to leave tomorrow. You're not ready to travel. You know that."
He shook his head; taking her hands in his, he seemed to reach within himself and gather some hidden strength that she had never seen. "Kali," he said, his voice low and very urgent. "Kali, please take me with you. I'm begging you...please." As if on a whim he embraced her and she felt fear and agitation shuddering off of him in waves.
It was stronger than everything she'd felt from him before and she pulled back to study his face. "Why? What's going on?"
She could see in his eyes that he was hiding something, though he only said: "It's just...a feeling I have."
What is going on with him? There was silence for several moments before she shook her head, working to keep her voice firm. "No. You have to stay here." At this he looked more terrified than she'd ever seen him. "Stone...what's wrong? Why won't you tell me?"
He shook his head. "It's nothing." But he would not meet her eyes, and his voice wavered, reaching the breaking point.
"Stone," she said, putting a hand on his cheek and giving him a reassuring smile. "Whatever it is, it will to be okay. I love you...don't be afraid."
It was just a dream...it isn't real. It isn't a vision of things to come. He tried to reach inside himself for calm, but it eluded him as he embraced her again, ignoring the sear of pain in his body with the movement. How can I tell her? How can I tell her if she leaves...I'm afraid I'll never see her again? He held her as close as he could. Finally she pulled back again and studied him.
"Stonewall, I wish you'd tell me what's going on."
Her voice was earnest and he could see in her eyes that she was worried for him, and if he hadn't been so terrified he would have found the notion laughable. So he took a deep breath and forced himself to meet her gaze. "It was a dream I had." Saying the words aloud sounded silly, but the images that reeled through his mind were anything but. She motioned for him to continue and he did, after a breath. "You were killed in front of me – by clones – and there was nothing I could do." It took a moment, but he was able to project some of the dream to her in order to relay its severity.
She was silent but he could see her turning the words and images over in her mind. Perhaps now she'll see why I can't let her go without me. A seedling of hope struggled up from within the depths of his spirit.
Only to wither at her next words. "Stonewall...dreams are just that: dreams. No matter how unsettling they are, they rarely show us the future. Even with the Force, few Jedi have the gift of true prophecy. The images you saw were most likely just reflections of your own fears being cast back at you." Kalinda leaned to him and wrapped her arms around his neck; when she spoke, he could feel the vibration of her voice against his skin. "I understand. I've had horrible nightmares and visions before – some that still haunt me – but in the end, they aren't a reality and you have to set them aside."
They were silent for a moment while he considered her words, though ultimately he found that he couldn't believe her. It was just too real. "You were killed by brothers, Kali," he said, embracing her tighter. "Do you understand what that means to me? Do you understand why I have to go with you?" I'm the only one who can keep you safe. I don't know why, but I do know that I'm the only one you can trust.
"Stonewall..." A deep exhale escaped her as she leaned back to meet his eyes. "I can think of half a dozen psychological reasons why you saw what you did. But I also know I can't convince you that it's just a dream," she added, touching his cheek and giving him a gentle smile. "Dreams are your mind's way of sorting out all of its fears and doubts, of processing and categorizing information. Even if they linger, they're not real. They're not a window to the future."
I want to believe her. More than anything. He swallowed and shook his head even as he spoke the next words. "Be that as it may, I just have a bad feeling about this."
"So do I," she replied, which caught him off guard, until she continued. "So do Honi and Master Altis. But – like you said – it's war, Stone. Something bad is always happening." Her smile was tender and her voice was soft, but he never felt so helpless as he did when he saw the determined look in her eyes. "I'll be fine. I'll be back sooner than you know. In the meantime..." She gave a weighted pause and regarded him. "I have something to run by you."
He swallowed his fear, pushed it down within his gut. It's just a dream. It means nothing. "What's that?"
She sat back and beamed at him. "Training with a Jedi Master." Her grin was wide and he tried to understand how he was supposed to be happy about such a thing.
"I don't want anyone else to train me, Kali."
"We're on a praxeum ship, Stone," she said as if those words meant anything to him in the wake of what she was going to do, of what was going to be done to her. "You should take advantage of this. He offered to train you himself. It's a great honor...you can learn so much from Master Altis."
Stonewall took a moment to collect himself, turning her words over in his mind. "The man who gave you this book? The man who called you to tell you about the clone cadets?" He couldn't keep the sharp edge out of his tone and she looked affronted.
"He's unusual, Stone, but he doesn't have some master plan to steal me away from the regular Jedi. He and my father were friends; it's conceivable that my parents met here. And as for the clone cadets...he knew that I'd be concerned. And it's no secret that I have a good and prominent friend on the Jedi Council." She tilted her head as she regarded him. "You don't really think that he...?"
"It's just odd. It just seems like...he's feeding into your doubts." Stonewall shook his head.
Her eyes narrowed. "I'm not a child. I think I'd know if someone was trying to manipulate me."
"I didn't say he was trying to manipulate you, but it seems awfully convenient that he's giving you the journal now. Why not the last time you saw him, on Semele? Or before that, even? Why now?"
"I'm not such an asset that he would try to recruit me," she replied. "In fact, it's widely known that Master Altis doesn't seek new recruits...people find their own ways to him. Yoda would never allow him to stay in the Order if he thought that the Altisian Jedi were a...a threat of some kind." She met his gaze and he wanted so much to believe that she was right.
Perhaps I'm being paranoid. Maybe I was more injured or out of it than I thought. I couldn't sense any malice in the man, either. "I just...something feels wrong." Another exhale of breath and he shook his head. "I suppose he seems like a decent enough person. I'm just concerned for you." With these words he saw her in his mind's eye: lying at his feet, riddled with blaster-fire, her face blank and bloodied. He shook his head and rubbed at his temple as if it would wipe the dream from his memory.
"Are you okay? Are you in pain?" She placed a hand on his shoulder and he could feel that she was sending him a tendril of comforting Force-energy.
It was more than he could stand. "Kali, take me with you. Please."
She hesitated. But. "I'm sorry. Your life is too valuable to me to risk it on an errand like this."
"Kali..."
"You have to trust me," she said at once, shaking her head. "I know it's hard, Stone, but there it is. You have to trust that I'll return to you, because I will. I promise."
Dread sliced through him at the word promise but he pushed it aside. "I do trust you, Kali. I just don't want to lose you." That's not a feeling I can just let go of, as much as I know I should be able to.
But her demeanor had changed; he could practically see the weight that had settled over her shoulders like a mantle. "As you yourself said not so long ago, I'm in command. Everyone that we've collected – your brothers, Honi and Zara, and the cadets – are my responsibility now, and I have a duty to all of them." Her voice had a finality to it and – as if to emphasize the point – she sat up, stood and stepped away from him. "Stonewall, I'm giving you a direct order: you are to remain here and train with Master Djinn Altis in the ways of the Force, until I return."
I, not we. As he looked at her, he didn't see the wry, dark-haired woman with whom he'd fallen in love.
He saw a Jedi Knight. Cool, impassive and detached.
The sight frightened him like no other, for he knew that as a Jedi, she would be more than willing to sacrifice herself for the greater good; as a clone trooper, it was a sentiment he'd once accepted, even shared. As a soldier, I understand that. But I'm not just a soldier any longer; I'm also a human being who loves her. More than anything. After everything that's happened I don't know how I'm supposed to let her go.
Some sarcastic part of his brain urged him to salute as he held her gaze, but he kept his body still, unable to find the words that would make her stay. Instead, he nodded. "As you say, General."
"Commander?"
Zara turned to see No-Name standing nearby; she was floating in the shallow end of the pool, enjoying the feel of being weightless for one last moment before she slipped out of the water and into the drag of air. Before she could speak he took a seat on the steps and motioned her to sit beside him. "What is it, No-Name?"
Something made him grimace. "I never cared about a name, until I met you. Now I think it's something I want." The words were spoken almost to himself and she wondered if she'd merely picked up on his thoughts. In the next moment he glanced at her. "It's been an honor to work with you, Commander Zara. Thank you for-" He paused again and looked down at the water. "For helping us. My brothers and I. Without you..." A shudder passed through him and they both cast looks at Levy, who was engrossed in a race with the other boys.
"I didn't really do anything, but I'm glad I could help a little bit." They sat in silence for a few more minutes, watching the others before she spoke again. "Actually, I should thank you." At his look of bewilderment she shook her head. "For trusting me. It was scary at first, but now I feel...better." She inhaled; the action brought her the scent of the water and his warmth beside her, so she grinned at him and he returned the look. "It was nice to have a friend, even for a few days, No-Name."
His face fell for all that he seemed to try and hide the fact. "I know what you mean, Commander."
Maybe I should follow Kalinda's example. "Just 'Zara.'" She smiled at him again even as she felt her Master's presence approaching, the Human woman's anxiousness palpable.
No-Name nodded; his hands were tight on his knees as he met her eyes. "Goodbye then, Zara."
"Zara, come on," Master Tallis called out. "We need to rest. Tomorrow's going to be a long day."
1085 days ABG
There was no sunrise the next morning on the Chu'unthor, but in the earliest hours of the ship's cycle, Milo boarded the Wayfarer with Kalinda, General Tallis and her Padawan. Master Altis saw them off, along with the rest of his brothers and the clone cadets. Even Crest and the captain managed to hobble over to the hangar, assisted by Traxis and Weave; he could see the effort it cost them to do so, as their faces were pale and their foreheads were beaded with sweat.
Beyond them, the Jedi were saying their farewells to one another, General Altis embracing Kalinda before giving General Tallis and Zara a kind word.
"Blow the durasteel out of any clankers who dare to get in your way," the scarred clone said to Milo with a smile and a clap on his back.
Milo shook his hand, and Weave's as well before he turned to Crest; before he knew it the bald clone gave him a brief but tight hug, then pulled back and nodded to him in all seriousness. "Be good, Mi. Give the shinies as much hell as you can. You've more than earned the right."
I'll say. Nodding, Milo turned to the captain, who was watching the Jedi with an unreadable expression. "Thank you for giving me a chance, Captain."
Stonewall smiled at him. "I'm lucky to have worked with you." They shook hands and Milo turned to General Tallis and her Padawan, who were making their way aboard the transport. Behind him, he could hear the soft voice of Kalinda as she spoke to Stonewall and as much as he didn't mean to eavesdrop, their conversation caught him off guard.
"I should be back within a week," the Jedi was saying. "I know that you'll be limited as far as what you can do, but you're in good hands here." Her voice dropped in pitch; it was only by virtue of the fact that he was standing so close to her that he overheard. "Please don't be upset with me...I'm doing what I have to do."
Stonewall was quiet a moment before he replied. "Stay safe, Kali."
General Tallis gave an audible sigh. "Master..." The dark-haired Jedi cast a look at the Wayfarer, then back at the captain with the expression of someone who had much more to say; however, she nodded and slipped past Milo aboard the vessel. Zara activated the hatch and everyone settled in.
Giving the Jedi a sideways glance, Milo cleared his throat. "Would you like to fly?" Kalinda looked startled to hear him speak to her, as if she'd been lost in her own mind, though she nodded and settled into the pilot's seat, while he slid beside her at the nav. The ship was prepped but he made one final check to ensure that everything was as it should be. Once they received clearance he nodded to Kalinda. "Let's go." At his words, Kalinda maneuvered the Wayfarer out of the docking bay on the Chu'unthor and they were on their way to the Core.
Oh, the angst...I promise I'm not trying to test your patience with the delay of the infamous order, but I do have my reasons for all of this setup. Just hang in there!
Let me know how you felt about the convo between Kali and Stone; I hope it came out as I was intending. As always, reviews and comments are welcome!
For those of you keeping up with the "Misadventures of Shadow Squad," this week has been tough, so I didn't get one ready. However, I do have a fluffy (possibly naughty) Kali/Stone ficlet that I may publish...so you should add me to your "alert" thingy if you haven't already. Shameless, I know. :P