Yes, up to my old trick of multiple updates again. I'm going away to Germany so I thought I'd leave you with a gift. And, for the record, I don't really care if bringing him back is trite, I've done it anyway, and I'll be doing it again:) Also, tried to be clever with the title, but I think it's actually more just silly. Ah well. And, apparently I've decided to add a little Persephone lore to this mish mash.

PS. Celebrate! Apparently, page breaks love me once more. How does that even work?

Chapter Five: Humbug in the Temple of Ceres

The hill turns out to be smack in the middle of a farm. Fabulous, thinks Artemis crossly. To his credit at least, the idea of imminent mud, animal droppings, stiles to be climbed, and general sweating to be done, doesn't slow him down as he parks the car and begins his ascent.

The hill, he discovers, is actually more of a small mountain, and halfway up scrawny conifers shoot out of the arid soil, tripping him with their roots. The sun is high in the sky when he reaches the top, coming to a huffing stop in a clearing where a stream splooshes out from under a pile of huge stones, tripping happily down into the fields below. Eagerly, he goes to sit on a boulder, only to find himself falling sideways against a metal door. Ah, why hello there faery bunker.

Exhaustion momentarily forgotten, he cracks his fingers like the concert pianist he actually is, and prepares for his assault on the door's keypad.

It doesn't take long.

The fort is a one room affair, as sterile and lifeless as these places always are. The exception here is that this one had been left in disarray.

With an appreciative groan, he flops down into one of the hover seats. 'Holly?' he calls out, his voice sounding much too hesitant for his liking.

There's no answer. Maybe she's gone out? Yes, obviously, at high noon no less.

'Hell,' he says again.

Either to distract himself, or to help himself think, he's not sure which, he begins to clean up the things left lying around. Discarded Nutri-packs, a solar power plug in, a crumpled square of camfoil; nothing that particularly whets his criminal appetite.

'Well, well, well, and he does housework too,' says a voice behind him.

Artemis drops an odd looking wrench, whirling. When he sees who it is he can feel his face fall open in shock. 'You're dead,' he replies, vaguely accusing.

Root frowns, 'No kidding, really? Have you gotten dumber as well as uglier since the last time we spoke?'

Artemis raises an eyebrow, the insult snapping him back to his senses, 'What a pity, Commander, that the afterlife seems to have done so little for your manners,' he pauses, considering, 'My oh my, Julius are you haunting me? How quaint.'

'That's Commander to you, Fowl, and don't flatter yourself,' Root snorts, his colour rising despite his cells being long deceased, 'Haunting requires much more effort than I am willing to spend on some jumped up mudbrat. I'm aparating.'

'Of course. How terribly original of you,' Artemis smirks. 'Going to show me my past, present and future are you? You're a bit early, Christmas is months off.'

Root frowns, jaw clenching. 'Look, boy,' he jabs a finger at Artemis' chest, 'I saw what you did to her today, and what you did to her all those years ago. So don't you dare give me any lip. Because let me tell you, if you're going to covet my officers, you sure as hell better be ready to go all the way. You know, in sickness and in health, and 'til death do you part,' he punctuates his last four words with more finger prodding. 'You got that, Fowl?'

'Mmm. Yes, you're coming in loud and clear, Commander,' Artemis picks nonexistent lint from his shirt with feigned disinterest, 'It's remarkable actually, I didn't realise you got such excellent reception with this sort of thing.'

Root shuffles self-consciously. 'I've been taking classes,' he mutters at last.

Artemis blinks. He'd like to say something biting here but finds he really has nothing to counter that.

Taking advantage of Artemis' temporary bafflement, Root boards his train of thought once more, 'Anyway. Holly. The way I see it, you're going to have to go down there and do some serious cow-towing,' he doesn't hide his gleeful smirk, 'to keep the pair of you from ending up, well, for you, dead, and her, exiled or in prison.'

'Oh yes?'

Root glowers, 'Yes. Or it's goodbye Holly. Forever.'

Artemis has always had the sneaking suspicion that someday, somehow, she would be his downfall. And of all the ridiculous clichés: brought to his knees for the sake of his lover. Couldn't he have at least gone down in the middle of some ingenious heist? But oh no, that would never do. No poetic justice in that, is there? He really should have seen this coming.

'You're being melodramatic. I have defeated the best and the brightest of the LEP before, I don't think it will be too hard to do a repeat performance.'

'We're not talking about one contained incident here, Artemis, we're talking a life time of cat and mouse until they win, unless you decide to destroy our entire way of life, and that'll really ingratiate you with Holly, won't it? Speaking of whom, we're also talking about her possibly spending the next two thousand years in exile,' Root pauses for breath, and fixes him with his worst glare, 'So, what do you say?'

Artemis throws one last curse to the gods, 'What do you think I say?'

'I try not to think about the next thing that's going to come out of your mouth, honestly.'

Artemis gives him dry stare, 'Charming. Now, how exactly am I to get down to the Haven to do said 'cow-towing'? And to whom, precisely, will I be doing it? There are a few flaws in your plan here, I'm afraid, Julius.'

Root rolls his eyes and, with admirable self-restraint, ignores the use of his first name, 'And to think it was you who outwitted us at age 11. Boy, do you humans disintegrate fast, or what? Use the com-screen,' he points to the opposite wall, where an aged communications terminal sits, 'Just turn one of those microphones on, state your name and start talking faery gibberish like you did that time your ape man nearly died. Foaly'll pick you up and Trouble will patch you through to the necessary council men, because they're the ones after you,' Root pauses, considering, 'Or, actually, better yet, just put out a distress call.'

Artemis purses his lips. He can feel Root's glare drilling into him, but he continues to eye the screen without moving. He is Artemis Fowl II and he does not beg. He just doesn't.

But there was a time when he didn't laugh, smile, or make love. He just didn't. And yet he does all those things now.

Perhaps more importantly, there had also been a time when he hadn't know Holly Short, and a time when he wished he had never known her, and they were both times he never wanted to return to.

He sits down in front of the screen, hooking a headset over one ear.

'Atta boy,' says Root, cackling, 'You be good to her, you hear me? Or I really will haunt you. They give lessons in Poltergeisting as well, you know.'

Reflected in the screen before him, Artemis can see Root give him an evil grin and disappear. He gives a barely perceptible shudder and gets down to business.