Starlight Starbright

These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home.

"If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear as it is – infinite." William Blake.

Chapter 5

Amy fell to her knees as her husband reached for her in a panic, "Amy, what's wrong?" He knelt down beside her, pulling her into his arms. She looked at him, her eyes full of pain that she couldn't begin to describe to him.

"It's Amanda." She looked into his eyes, the man she loved more than anything in the world, "We have to hurry."

He didn't even ask or question. Jumping up and pulling her to her feet, "Get the kids. I'll meet you at the car."

She rushed into the living room and scooped up her baby then grabbed the hand of her 2 year old. Heading towards the door she grabbed her pocket book. Bobby came up behind her with a quickly packed diaper bag. Taking her by the waist they jumped into the car and raced to Los Angeles.

Roy climbed out of the ambulance then onto the stretcher to continue the chest compression that he had started just a few moments before. Johnny backed the Squad up and hopped out to see Roy and the others disappear into the ER doors. Jogging to catch up he followed them into the trauma/OR room.

Roy looked over to his partner, "Move that IV over." His words weren't harsh per say but they were abrupt enough for Dixie to look up. It was rare they even spoke much because they worked so much like a fluid team that often words were not needed. Tucking the exchange in the back of her mind Dixie got back to work. The hospital team worked quickly and efficiently in trying to stabilize Amanda for the surgery as they took over for the paramedics. Johnny stepped back but when he finally looked up he realized that Roy wasn't even in the room anymore. He stepped to the door then looked back to her. Everyone was busy and not paying attention to him as he quietly left the room.

Coming out of the room he glanced to the desk, not seeing anyone then he looked to the waiting room. His feet froze as he saw Roy and Hank talking over in the corner. He tried to will his feet to move but they just wouldn't.

"Do you think she's going to make it Roy?" Hank asked quietly.

Roy shook his head, "No, I think she's been bleeding too long."

Hank shook his head. Roy could only imagine what was going through his mind but he was scared for Johnny.

"Cap, Johnny's going to take this really hard. I don't know if he will be able to finish the shift."

"I was thinking the same thing pally. I'll release him and find some coverage. Do you think he will be ok to go home alone?"

"I'll call Joanne to check on him, and then I'll go by right after the shift is over," Roy said.

"Ok Roy but you know there will be an inquiry into this," Hank said sadly.

"I know Cap. What will happen if she dies?" Roy's worry for his best friend coming through loud and clear to Hank.

"I don't know Roy but we will help him face it, whatever happens."

Roy looked up to see that Johnny had come out of the room. He turned to go to him but Johnny just looked at him and turned his back, walking to the doctor's lounge. Last thing he could deal with was his partner's admonishment.

Roy followed him into the lounge, his own emotions were mixed. If he had been beside Johnny he wouldn't question his actions but he wasn't and being human his thoughts wondered into the realm of 'what if'. He stepped into the lounge to see Johnny sitting on the couch. Roy walked up to him, wanting to share words of wisdom, words of comfort but Johnny stood up abruptly and moved away from him.

"Johnny."

"Don't Roy. I can't talk about it right now," he said as he put the table and chairs between them.

They both looked up to see Hank enter the lounge with them. Suddenly Johnny felt like the room was too small for the crowd that was gathering to put him on the chopping block. He backed up until he felt the wall behind him.

Hank worried about the young dark headed man but his emotions were also conflicted. The leader in him was furious that Johnny had even put him in this position to begin with but the friend in him knew that it must be tearing the man apart.

Before he could even speak they all looked up to see Brackett enter the room. His mask was in his hands and the defeat was easily visible in his face.

Roy took a single step forward, "Doc?"

Brackett shook his head, "She lost too much blood, we just couldn't replace it fast enough."

Johnny circled around the table, without looking anyone in the eye; he was out the door before anything else could be said. Brackett watched the medic leave. He knew how hard Johnny would take her death after working the rescue. For right now he had two immediate concerns. Dixie was trying to find family of the young woman then there was the matter of the accident.

"Roy. I need to find out who responded to the accident that she was involved in."

Hank and Roy just looked to each other and Brackett caught the exchange.

"51 ran the rescue. It was this morning with the heart attack victim," Roy said.

Brackett was shocked. Johnny and Roy was his best paramedic team, how could this have been missed?

"What happened?" Brackett asked. There had to be an explanation for it.

Roy and Hank filled Brackett in on what they knew about the accident scene and what Johnny had told them.

"It doesn't make any sense. With the amount of bleeding I saw, there is no way that she could just walk away from that without showing some sign of being in trouble," Brackett told them.

Roy didn't know how to respond. He couldn't say she had been fine, he didn't examine her. Dixie broke the awkward silence when she came in. Not knowing what the conversation had been about she felt like she had walked into something private.

"Kel, I found out that she has a sister but we haven't been able to reach her yet."

"Okay, thanks Dix. I'll be right out," Brackett said, discreetly asking her to leave the room.

Johnny left the lounge and headed down the hallway. He paused outside her door before deciding to go inside. Everyone was now gone leaving her alone. His hand shaking he reached up and pulled down the sheet to see her face. She seemed so young, so beautiful. Can you ever forgive me for what I've done? It's my fault, this should have never happened to you. My job is to treat people who are hurt and I messed up with you. I missed something that could have saved you. I'm so sorry. He took the back of his finger and gently traced her face when a left over tear ran down her cheek. Startled, he turned to see Dixie coming into the room.

"Johnny? You ok?" She knew he could take the death of a victim hard.

Shaking his head, "No Dix I'm not. This is my fault," he said sadly.

"No Johnny, she was hurt too bad. You did everything you could." Dixie had no idea how her words cut into him.

"Everything I could," he whispered back as he headed to the door.

"Johnny?"

But he didn't look back this time as he went to the Squad. With no sound he moved into the seat finding Roy already there.

"Thought I was going to have to come find you," Roy said.

"I'm here, let's go."

"Johnny, I know you're upset. Talk to me Junior."

Johnny felt confused. Roy's words didn't match his actions at all since being in the bedroom. He had seen the look on his face. The disappointment and the blame. Johnny chose to ignore the request for right now. His mind was in turmoil and he couldn't find the words yet.

Roy took the silence with a grain of salt. He knew Johnny was upset but he also needed to talk to him about what he and the Cap had discussed. Things would be set in motion and he didn't want Johnny blindsided by them.

As soon as they backed into the station Hank was at his door, "Roy and John, my office."

Johnny wasn't surprised, he was sure that the Captain would be asking him for his badge and sending him home. Fine. He was ready to leave and put today behind him.

"Sit down fellows," Hank said as he leaned back in his chair.

Roy took a seat but Johnny chose to stand, "Cap." They both said.

"Johnny I'm going to need for you to write out the incident from this morning, include as much detail as possible." Hank needed this to be done in a professional manner if they were going to have any chance of helping Johnny clear his name over this mess. He couldn't let his friendship get involved. He leaned forward in his seat, "John, I'm going to send you home. Dwyer is coming in to cover your shift. Roy, the Squad will be 10-8 until he arrives. There will an official inquiry into this and a hearing will be convened in 6 days."

Johnny was right. He felt angry, tossed aside and alone. No one else was there when he took care of Amanda but he expected a little more from his friends. "Fine Cap. Put me down for requested time off until the hearing. I won't be coming back until then."

"John, no one is asking you to stay away. I just think that after what just happened you will not be able to keep your mind on the job today." Hank tried to appease the young man. Didn't he see he was doing this for his own good?

Johnny stood up, "No Cap, it's perfectly clear. If I couldn't make the right judgment before then I sure can't make one now." He moved toward the door.

Hank stood up, "Sit down Gage!"

Johnny paused but didn't turn around. He started to speak but found he had no idea what to say to them. They wanted him out. Hell, he had already been replaced. There was nothing left to say so he opened the door and left.

"Damn," Hank exclaimed. "I knew this was gonna happen." He hit his hand on his desk.

"Cap, he wants to hear that everything will be fine but neither of us can promise that right now."

"I know but surely he knows we won't let him face this alone," Hank said.

"I'm sure he does Cap. He knows we're his family."