A/N: Thank you once again for the lovely reviews and encouragement! After this chapter, there is just one more to go which will take us up to the end of S1. As always, I hope you enjoy this one! xx
Chapter 3
"You see, Edith and I had this sort of bet…"
The words kept replaying in his mind as he escaped the blasted flower show. He really was a fool indeed to be encouraged by her in such a way. It had been building so gradually, so perfectly that he'd allowed himself to…hope, dream even, that this could be the start of something real and special between them.
And then she'd shown herself for what she was. A heartless tease, only out for the best offer.
Matthew had had to take himself away from the flower show, the prizes and compliments and ridiculous small talk was more than he could bear. He was interested in the flower show, in what it represented for the village, but he had no part in it. Not like his mother, she'd enjoyed helping to prepare for it and was delighting in its glory, for that he was happy but he had nothing to do with it. Even Lord Grantham played a part, a valuable part, the people wanted him to be there, they wanted to see him, see his reactions, he was an honoured guest, his presence meant something.
But Matthew's did not.
He was the heir, yes, but he wasn't loved by the village, his presence wasn't exactly unwelcomed, but it didn't mean much, not really, he was just Lord Grantham's heir who couldn't be a gentleman because he worked as a solicitor. He was just another add-on to their weekly gossip schedule.
Even after all this time, Matthew was still trying to find his place.
He'd taken a seat at the back of the village hall, it wasn't exactly an attractive area but it was away from everyone else and at least here he could be alone to think.
His mind was filled with her, the way she'd talked at dinner, flirted even. He'd really thought they'd turned a corner, that perhaps they could be friends, maybe more. He'd noted how Lord Grantham had been delighted at their new found level of understanding; he'd seen the hope in his eyes. Maybe, maybe their prayers would be answered after all.
And for a brief moment, Matthew wanted their prayers to be answered, he'd seen a future with Mary, it would be the right thing and all would be as it should be. Mary would be his wife and the title and fortune would be hers…theirs. It was the right thing.
"You see, Edith and I had this sort of bet…"
Through the trees Matthew heard the sound of laughter and, ducking slightly, could see through into the clearing beyond. He recognised some of the staff from the Abbey, the flower show must have ended and they were making their way back to work. He watched as they walked together in a group, snippets of conversations floating in the breeze. One of the young men, Thomas, had picked some leaves off a nearby bush and was chasing some of the younger maids, trying to throw them over their heads, the young girls squealed with laughter, scattering about like daft chickens. As they moved about, he saw Gwen and smiled. She was now being teased by Thomas and another young man, they were trying to push some flowers into the collar of her jacket and she was laughing and wriggling, trying to get away from them. It was an innocent little scene, yet how Matthew envied them their fun.
He watched Gwen as she turned to talk to some of the girls, watched as she noted how one maid seemed out of sorts and went to her side, saw how she put her arm around the woman and said something to her. He couldn't stop the smile as he observed how Gwen seemed to offer comfort to the maid before leaving her alone with her thoughts.
As she moved away she caught sight of him, watching through the bushes, almost hidden to the world but not to her. She said something inaudible to the group and slowly made her way towards him. The group seemed oblivious to her departure and Matthew got to his feet as she approached.
"Hello," he said, smiling warmly.
She didn't meet his eyes, instead focussed her gaze on a point somewhere on his shoulder, a typical Gwen reaction. "Hello, sir," she said softly, that familiar blush appearing on her cheeks. "Why're you sat 'ere?"
Matthew sighed and gestured to the little bench, sitting himself back down. Gwen paused a moment before cautiously joining him, she perched on the edge of the bench, sitting bolt upright and clutching at her hands in her lap.
"I needed to get away," he answered simply, his mood darkening at the thoughts of earlier. He quickly pushed them away and nodded towards the group that were almost out of view, "That looked like fun."
Gwen frowned, unsure of what he was referring, noticing where his gaze was fixed she made a little noise of understanding, "Oh, well, it were just Thomas bein' daft. He aint usually like that, must be the wind."
Matthew chuckled, "I saw you with your arm around that maid, is she alright?"
"Oh, Anna? Oh, she'll be alright," Gwen answered simply, blushing a little further.
"Of course, I know you can't say much to me!" Matthew said, a soft hint of a tease to his tone. "What happens downstairs, stays downstairs."
Gwen smiled warmly at that, "Somethin' like that, sir."
"Do you tell them you talk to me?" he asked suddenly. "Your friends, I mean."
Gwen met his eyes for the first time, shock evident across her features. "No, sir! I don't tell 'em we talk….they wouldn't believe me anyway, but it don't seem right somehow."
Matthew studied her carefully, she seemed genuinely shocked he would even ask her that, but, didn't all women talk and gossip? He'd assumed Gwen would tell the other maids, not that they had anything to hide, they talked occasionally, there was nothing in it. He suddenly felt a fool for even asking, Gwen was not like other women, she was completely different.
"Ashamed of me are you?" he teased further.
"No, sir!" Gwen exclaimed. "You would be ashamed if people knew, you talking to a maid, a maid wi' fanciful ideas."
"I'm certainly not ashamed, Gwen," Matthew insisted gently. "So, why don't you tell them?"
"It's just….well, Anna'd say I were forgettin' me place, that I were riskin' things by even talkin' to yer. Lily'd think there were somethin' sinister 'bout it all, she'd tell everyone and make somethin' outta nothin'. Daisy'd think it were wonderful, she'd talk of nothin' else. They wouldn't understand why I talk to yer."
"Why do you talk to me, Gwen?"
The blush deepened. "Because you listen to what I 'ave to say."
Matthew smiled softly. It had not occurred to him before today that these little meetings with Gwen actually meant something to the young girl. He'd assumed that she just humoured him like everyone else did, that she talked with him due to some obscure feeling of obligation, it never crossed his mind she did it because she wanted to. He had yet to meet a woman in his social standing who talked and listened to him purely because she wanted to, because she found him interesting, most women of his acquaintance were only out for one thing: his position.
But not Gwen.
She, who would gain the most from chasing him, flirting with him, snaring him, showed no desire to do anything of the sort. Where other young women would flatter him, fawn at his sleeve and give him a doe-eyed look, Gwen merely talked as though he was a friend. It was uniquely interesting.
"How's the job prospects looking?" he asked, trying to move away from any thoughts that romantically involved Gwen.
Gwen looked at the floor, the small flush of embarrassment lingering about the collar of her coat. "Not good."
"Oh?"
"See, the thing is….I'm startin' to wonder if I really am a fool," Gwen said, her tone suddenly strong with a hint of annoyance. "I think they're all laughin' at me."
"Who?"
"The other staff….," Gwen sighed.
"Why would they laugh at you?"
"There were me, wi' me great big ideas, full of me own importance about how I were goin' ter leave service and be a secretary….and here I still am…..still in service and no 'ope of a job," Gwen explained with a hint of sadness. "That were ages ago, they're probably laughin' right now about me."
"I doubt that very much. These things take time, Gwen. What's important is you know what you want and you are trying to get it. It won't happen overnight but it will happen and it will work out for the best, you'll see."
Gwen looked up and met his gaze briefly and he smiled at her, resting one hand quickly upon her arm in way of comfort. She nodded slightly before looking away again.
"I believe in you."
Gwen nodded and looked up again, smiling at his words and Matthew felt his heart soar a little at that simplest of actions.
"And what about you, sir?" Gwen asked, looking away once more. "How are things wi' you?"
Matthew sighed loudly and followed Gwen's gaze, focussing upon a point in the distance as his own problems began to filter back.
"Oh, you know…same old, same old."
"Still a Lord-in-training?" Gwen flashed him a teasing smile and Matthew laughed. These moments with Gwen were rare, but every now and again, she seemed to gain a surge of confidence and would tease him. If anyone heard they'd say she was impertinent but Matthew enjoyed it, there was nothing sinister in it, no hint of ridicule…it was just…friendship.
"Yes, still that!" he chuckled. The smile slowly fell from his face as he thought of how complicated his life had started to become. There were so many things to think about, so many threads to his life that at times seemed to be in order and others seemed to be slowly unravelling about his feet.
"If yer don't mind me sayin', sir, you seem a little out of sorts today. Is everythin' alright?"
Matthew dropped his head and gave a rather weary sigh, "I suppose I'm a little disillusioned with a few things."
"Oh?"
"I don't know….it just seems that as soon as one thing starts to go right, everything else starts going wrong. I'm starting to wonder what the point of it all is."
"What d'yer mean?"
"I don't know….nothing, I'm just being daft."
"Yer not bein' daft….life is like that sometimes. But," she paused and offered him a smile, "a friend of mine, a very wise friend, once told me that things don't always happen overnight, but they will happen, and happen for the best. I believe in you."
Matthew grinned back. "Using my own words against me? Sneaky!"
"Just tryin' to 'elp, sir."
"You know, I envy you, Gwen,"
"Me, sir? Why ever would you envy me?"
"You can chase your dreams, be who you really are without worrying what the world will think. You can marry who you want…you must have hundreds of suitors chasing you; I bet Mrs Hughes has to guard that back door like a fort!"
"I don't have any suitors," Gwen said with a shake of her head.
"Really? No young man hidden away who sends you love notes and flowers?"
"No, sir!"
"But….you can choose to marry for love rather than marrying because it's the right thing to do. You are free to love any man you want."
"But not every man is free to love someone like me. Some men are too good for the likes of me."
Their eyes met for the briefest of moments before Gwen looked quickly away.
"I'd better go, sir, they'll be wondering where I am,"
xXx
"Gwen! There you are! I've been lookin' all over for yer," Anna exclaimed as they met on the road, "Mrs Hughes is going mad, she was goin' to send Daisy to find yer but we all know Daisy's sense of direction, she'd be in Ripon by now!"
"Oh, sorry…"
"Where've yer been?" Anna demanded, hands on hips.
"Oh, I remembered I'd forgot me gloves, I went back for 'em," Gwen said, embarrassed at lying to Anna.
Anna looked at Gwen's empty hands and frowned, "Well, where are they?"
"I remembered I didn't bring 'em wi' me," Gwen answered, blushing slightly at the lie.
Anna raised an eyebrow but chose not to comment on this. Instead she said, "Well, come on, let's get back before Mrs Hughes completely loses her temper."
xXx
Gwen's words lingered in his mind; he'd never considered it that way before. Being free it love is all well and good, as long as the recipient of that love is free to return the grace.
For the briefest, maddest moment, the idea crossed his mind that marrying someone like Gwen, well, Gwen herself, wouldn't be a bad thing at all. They got on well together, she was pretty and could hold a sensible conversation – she could be an ideal wife. What did it matter if she had no money or came from a tenant farming background? Why should that matter a jot?
This thought almost made Matthew laugh out loud. He could just imagine the scene, announcing to everyone he was marrying Gwen. He could see Lord Grantham, trying desperately to keep a polite countenance, his fingers gripping his brandy glass so tight the skin would be white. He would probably say something like, "We shall talk about this later…don't want to bore the ladies now…"
Then there would be his mother cheering on at the sidelines, out of them all, she'd probably champion the match. He could see Cousin Cora, sitting bolt upright on the little sofa, trying hard to smile, the smile slowly disintegrating in a grimace as she realised a maid would take her place as Countess.
Cousin Violet would perhaps provide the most amusement, she'd look at them both over those little glasses of hers, frown deeply and make comments about the age of Gwen's family, ask if they had money and then comment that Gwen looked very much like one of the maids….it would probably kill her outright. He could hear her now, "I did not run this house for thirty years to see it polluted and shamed by an upstart little maid…."
Lady Sybil would perhaps take the news as encouragement that things were changing in the world, she'd pipe up that this was a good thing, it was progressive, for why shouldn't servants and masters be as one? Lady Edith would stand in cold bitterness, hands clasped before her, an expression of hurt mixed with anger upon her young features. He had to wonder, where had Edith's bitterness originated? She was bitter, no doubt of that, but Matthew was yet to work out why.
The one reaction he couldn't gauge was Mary's. How would she take the news? Would she smile and toss a throw away comment at him such as, "Oh, it's of no consequence to me, I have bigger fish to fry…" or would she look hurt, perhaps flee the room in tears? Which response did he actually want? That was the real question.
And why was he even thinking this? Had he really got any intention of marrying Gwen? Of course not! Even he could see that it wouldn't work, it wasn't right, not the natural order of things. It was merely his mind sorting through his many mixed thoughts.
Gwen was wonderful; she'd make someone a great wife, but not him. It was sad to think about really, she should be exactly the sort of woman he should choose; she was everything he could wish for….so, why couldn't he stop thinking about Mary?