Chapter 9
Raphael looked at April as she shouted.
"Okay...somebody had better tell me what is going on. Now!" April said angrily, but fear underlined her anger.
They looked at each other and looked at April. His brother's looked at him, his shoulders slumped but he realized it was he who had to explain what had happened, what he had done.
He walked over to the couch and picked his bloody sai from the ground. He placed it over his heart, right over the scars he now bore, a constant reminder of what he had done.
"Hey bro, what are you doing?" Casey said as he slowly approached him, hand held out as if pleading with him to stop what he was doing. He lowered his sai.
"You're too late Case, so were my brothers." He said pointing to the scars above his plastron. He looked at his sai and slid it through his belt.
"Raph?" April questioned.
"I killed myself April." He began softly.
April looked at him in shock and Casey had paled.
Donatello helped April sit down on the loveseat since it wasn't covered in his blood.
"Raph." April said in anguish when she looked for confirmation from his brother's faces, and seeing their grim looks, she looked even more ill. "How could you?" She asked him in an angry whisper, as she slowly stood up.
"The Devil, or Morning Star, or Nightmare, whatever you want to call her, brought me back, for a price. She took the darkness from my eyes, which healed them so she gave me back my sight." Raphael said, the guilt thick in his voice.
"That was one of the 'side effects' Samael was talking about." Donatello said softly. "That, and I haven't seen Raph move around like this in over a year. I think she healed your body as well Raph."
Raphael's eyes widened in shock as he moved his body around. His brother was right. He hadn't even realized that he could actually move without pain. He had been so used to being in constant pain every time he moved, that he hadn't even noticed it's absence.
"Nightmare is..."Leonardo paused remembering Katherine's silent plea to not say her name. "Her." He finished.
"Her who?" April asked in confusion.
"One who we thought was lost forever." Donatello said to her.
April's eyes widened. "You mean K..." Michelangelo covered her mouth and shook his head.
"Yeah." Michelangelo said to her as he softly began telling April and Casey what had transpired.
When Michelangelo had finished telling her and Casey the story April looked at them dubiously. "You can't...date...the Devil." She whispered softly.
He looked at April, the anguish he felt inside reflecting on his face. "I can't lose her again April. She's not the same person, and I know that, but if she can still love me, I need to be with her. She's my soul mate April. I can't give her up and if she doesn't want anything to do with me, if she can just walk away, then I guess I can live with that, because it was her decision, and I know that she is still alive, but I can't not try."
April closed her eyes and slowly sat down. "Okay." She said softly as she looked at them. "If that is what you want, I can't stop you, but just be careful, okay?" She said to them. She paused in thought and looked at him seriously. "Does she really have your soul Raph, Donny?" She questioned.
Raphael looked at Donatello. "Not in the literal sense April, but she has it anyway." He said softly.
Donatello looked at him and shrugged. "She has my soul in the literal sense." He said softly. "My soul is...still in my body, but we are linked together April. I can feel her, and I can feel the chains of my promise beginning to reform." Donatello said looking at him.
Raphael could feel her too. But the fear of what his brother was going to become nearly choked him.
Donatello watched as Leonardo snuck out of the lair. Michelangelo walked up behind him.
"You think he's going to go see Miriam?" He asked.
Donatello nodded.
"So what do you think is going to happen with her and Leo?" Michelangelo asked.
Donatello let out a puff of breath. "I don't know Mikey." He said softly.
Leonardo watched as the woman entered the building with her son. She didn't even realize she was being watched, even though she was only a few steps away from where he had concealed himself in the shadows.
He waited for an hour, so that her son would be in bed.
He quietly made his way up the fire escape and knocked lightly on her living room window.
He waited a few moments until her face looked through the window ,a combination of confusion and worry on her face. When she saw him she smiled as she let him in.
She was a pretty woman in her late 20's with curling auburn hair and light blue eyes.
"Leo?" She said in surprise as he climbed in through the window. "I wasn't expecting you." She said as she began nervously picking up scattered toys and books, magazines and dishes. "Sorry about the mess." She said with an apologetic smile. Her apartment was a small two bedroom on the third floor. The neighbourhood wasn't in the best part of town, but it wasn't in the worst either.
He had met Miriam one night a few months after Raphael had nearly been killed by Hun's goons. He had been brooding on the rooftops trying to calm his thoughts and come to grips with what he had allowed to happen to his brother.
Miriam had gotten into an altercation with a couple of youths who had decided to grab her purse after she had refused to give them a light for their cigarettes.
She had gotten hit on the head and was dazed. He had checked on her before he had gone after the youths. He had gotten her purse back but she had been gone when he had returned to where she had been robbed.
It was an easy thing to open her wallet and find her address. He had found her window open and had placed the purse on the coffee table. Miriam had come into the room at that moment and had seen him. She had already had one horrible shock that night, and then she had another. She had fainted dead away.
He was going to leave, but had decided to stay instead. He didn't know why he had felt reckless that night, but he had felt reckless and empty.
When she had come around he had had to cover her mouth so she wouldn't scream. After he had explained the situation to him she was still frightened of him, but grateful to have her purse back. After that incident he had come around to check on her every now and then. He had found out that she was a single mom of one 3 year old boy. Her and the boy's father had split up a year before and she was trying to do it all on her own. Her son Hunter had been at his father's place when she had been attacked. He had begun to visit her and she finally relaxed around him. They became friends of a sort and Leonardo had always wondered if they were ever going to be more.
"My brother tried to kill himself tonight." He said miserably.
She stopped her restless tidying and looked at him in shock. She had never met his brothers, and although she knew their names, she had never met them. He had done his best to keep her a secret from his brothers because he didn't know how they would react to him trying to move on after Katherine's death. He knew Michelangelo had shut himself down. No one would ever again enter Michelangelo's heart because he didn't want to have to feel that pain ever again. His brother believed there was no point in loving anyone if all they were going to do was leave or die. Donatello had become withdrawn, but no more than usual. He had been heartbroken, but had dealt with his grief better than his brothers had. He supposed having Katherine talk to him every night had soothed his grief-stricken heart to some extent. Raphael had been the worst. He knew his brother was putting on a amazing performance trying to convince them all that he was fine, but his brother had shattered. He was so consumed by grief that he and Donatello had to remind him to eat, to sleep and train. It was the moments when Raphael had believed that he was alone that they could see his mask of normality fall, and the pain leach through. As for himself, he had brooded and become obsessed with getting stronger, fighting better, and keeping his grief-stricken family together.
At the point when their family was going to finally break they had encountered something. They weren't sure what it was. It had been long, thin and grey. Whatever it had been had attacked a couple who had been walking along the street. Whatever it was, the humans hadn't even noticed it as it killed them, sucking them dry like a vampire, except when it was done with them, there had been nothing left, just a dried up grey husk of skin. They hadn't been able to stop it, it had fed and disappeared even before they had gotten to street level.
It was then that they began paying more attention. There were reports of more disappearances, and bodies found or killed in both mysterious or gruesome ways. Gang activity had been reaching fever pitch. Even the gangs knew that there was something different out there. He and his brothers had begun paroling the nights with more urgency, more frequency, until Raphael had nearly been killed. And then everyone had focused on just keeping their broken brother alive.
"Raph?" She asked quietly. Miriam knew that Raphael had been badly injured over a year ago and had lost his girlfriend nearly 5 years before that. Leonardo hadn't given her any specifics, just that Raphael's girlfriend had been kidnapped and killed, and that they had been unable to save her. Leonardo had always referred to Katherine as Raphael's girlfriend, because he was the one who deserved to have her in the end. But with what he now understood, Katherine would never have been able to choose between Raphael and Donatello, but he didn't deserve to call her his girlfriend and besides, Miriam was human, she would never understand the type of relationship they had all had with Katherine. He barely understood it at times.
He could only nod. "Oh my God Leo, that's awful is he okay?" She asked in concern gently patting his shoulder.
He nodded his head again as guilt washed through him. "I should have noticed." He whispered.
Miriam took his hand and led him to the couch. The couch was used and a little beat up, but it was comfortable. "Leo, you can't blame yourself." She said patting his hand gently.
"Then who should I blame." He snapped angrily. Her eyes widened in surprise and a tinge of fear. She slowly let go of his hand as he blew out a breath. "I'm sorry." He apologized. "I just," He shook his head. "I felt so helpless."
"From what you have told me Raph has been through a lot. He loved this woman, and she was murdered, there is nothing you could have done and you tried to get her back before they killed her." She said with sympathy. "But Leo, why did you never let yourself grieve for her?" She asked.
He looked at her in surprise. "You loved her. I know you did. I can see it every time you talk about her. You were in love with your brother's girlfriend, but you never let yourself grieve for her, like you didn't have the right."
"I didn't have the right." He quietly replied.
She frowned at him but didn't push. "So your brother is okay?" She asked again.
"Yes, he's going to be fine." He said. In fact Raphael was set to make a full recovery while, Donatello was now faced with the choice of becoming Nightmare's demonic Familiar, or dying.
"What are we doing Miriam?" He questioned her softly.
It had been nearly a year since they had met and although he knew she had feelings for him, and there had been a few awkward moments of intimacy, they had never really moved into anything he could term as a relationship.
She looked at him and looked away, but he had caught the look on her face of anguish. The look that said 'if you were only human, then this could work'. "I know you love me Leo, and it's not as if I don't love you, but I have a son I have to look out for. And he needs someone in his life he can depend on, who isn't just a phantom of the night." She said softly.
He looked at her and nodded. He hadn't expected anything else. The problem was that she was right. She would never be able to depend on him for anything. He couldn't support her monetarily, or emotionally because he would barely be around. To have a relationship with a human was just not practical. There were too many obstacles that would have to be overcome. In a way April had been right. She wouldn't have to give up everything, but at the same time, they would rarely be able to be together, and that wasn't much of a relationship having to sneak around and hiding that they were together.
Their physical relationship had been awkward as well. His skin was too cool, too textured for her to feel comfortable touching. And kissing Katherine had somehow been easy. With Miriam, it had never felt right, and he suspected it was because Miriam was used to kissing a human mouth, not a mutant turtle one.
"I'm sorry." She said softly.
"I know." He said in return. Miriam was everything he could have wanted in a partner. She was funny and smart, a little on the timid side, but she never fought with him or challenged him. She was supportive, in all of his decisions. He protected her and watched over her. She was everything he had wanted and he hated that Michelangelo had been right about him. He needed Katherine because she was everything that he couldn't stand. She had a strength of character that was as frustrating as it was awe inspiring.
He and his brothers would have to be lucky enough to fall in love with a woman who had an amazing fortitude and strength of character to become other. And he knew in his heart of hearts that Katherine would have been able to do it, because she was other, she just hadn't known it.
He looked at Miriam's miserable face. He did love her though, but it wasn't the same love he had had for Katherine. He would have been content with the love he felt with Miriam, would have fought for it, but it was like living in the dark and witnessing the bright light of day. After seeing and experiencing such a thing, you could never settle for anything less than that bright light.
"I'm never going to see you again, am I?" She questioned him , tears beginning to brim on her lashes.
He gave a half smile. "No. I think it's for the best." He said as he stood.
"I'm so sorry Leo, I am so, so sorry." She apologized again.
He pulled her off the couch and gave her a goodbye hug. She hugged him back with a ferocity that surprised him. It was then he realized that she did love him, but she had to look out for herself and her son, and that was a different kind of strength that he also stood in awe of.
"Goodbye Miriam." He said as he walked to the window.
"Leo, before you go...I just wanted to say that, I know you love me, but I think I was never first in your heart. I think your brother's girlfriend still occupies that position, and I don't think any woman will ever be able to live up to her memory unless you let her go." She said softly.
He smiled at her then. "I know. At this point I don't even think she could live up to herself." He had already figured out that Nightmare would never be Katherine, and that Nightmare could never live up to the image of Katherine he had in his mind, but he was willing to see if Katherine still lived somewhere within Nightmare.