Disclaimer: I own nothing not the show and not the music.
Warnings: Mentions of Rape and self harm, and some pretty strong language.
Chapter 4
The rest of the week seemed to go by relatively quickly. My panic attacks were taken down to once a day by Thursday. I still didn't like people getting to close to me, but it was getting better. I was able to eat a little more, but the nightmares were taking longer to wear off. I was a little nervous about staying at Quinn's house this Saturday with all of my friends but I was willing to try, and that was a step forward.
"Hey San, you ready to party this weekend?" Puck had started to realize that I flinched every time he tried to give me a hug or get to close in my personal space so he kept a good distance.
"Yeah, cant wait" I said with a genuine smile. I figured Saturday would be a good time for me to make a little more progress and Puck could help with that.
He smiled back "So promise you take the first shot of the night with me?"
"Of course, hey we can be drinking buddies the whole night if you want." Maybe the alcohol will take away some stress and I'll be able to sleep the night all the way through.
"Awesome, I'll see you tomorrow then." With that he took off to his car.
Quinn and Britt walked up to me seconds after Puck left. "You ready to start the weekend chica?" Quinn asked.
"Hells yeah, where is Rach?" I replied as we were walking to Quinn's car.
"She had to go home first. Hence the reason she drove herself today"
"Oh, I thought she was just excited she finally got her license."
"Well, that too I guess, speaking of that, when are you two going to get your licenses? I'm not gonna be able to drive you around forever."
"I'm working on it" Brittany replied. Quinn always got on our case about this, she didn't like being the DD when we went out partying.
"Yeah Q not everyone ran to get their license on their sixteenth birthday, some of us get a little timid behind the wheel."
"Ha. Santana Lopez scared to drive? Come on S you have been driving Dune Buggies and Quads and Sea Doos and Boats since you were tall enough to see over the dash board how is a car that much different?"
"How bout the fact that there are pedestrians, and buildings and other shit I could crash into. You know how easily I am distracted I'm not scared for myself I'm scared for all the poor innocent souls I would hurt if I saw a hot guy in the car next to me or walking down the street. When I'm driving all those other things all thats next to me is open land or open water."
"Okay I get your point and I want a fair warning the second you do get you license." We were all laughing as we entered the Fabray residence.
"So who is coming to the party tomorrow night?" Brittany asked
"Uh so far it is us four, Finn, Mercedes, Tina, Mike, Kurt, Sam, Artie, Lauren, and Puck. Oh and Pucks new girlfriend and I think some people from the Cheerios and the Football and Wrestling team."
"Woah I thought we said kickback not a party and wait did you say Puck has a new girlfriend?" I was more than hurt at the thought. I mean he had been after me since like before freshman year. Yeah he had had other girlfriends and I never really showed a true interest, but I had been flirting all week. I thought I had made it pretty damn obvious that I wanted him now. Why had he not mentioned it in all the times that we had talked this week?
"Yeah, he is dating this girl from the 'Christ in Action' club. Which I find totally weird considering he usually only has a girl long enough to fuck her and then moves on to the next target. The only girl he has shown more than a weeks worth of interest in is you."
"Hm that is weird" I was trying really hard to hide how upset I was by this and was for the most part succeeding. Brittany was giving me a sad smile, she was the only one I had told last year when I realized I might like Puck. And I'm pretty sure she caught up on all my signals to him this past week.
"So who are you gonna go after at this party Q?" Brittany was attempting to change the topic from Puck.
"I was thinking Jay from the wrestling team. He's extremely hot. What bout you Britt? Santana? Who are you two gonna go for?"
This had been a game we had started Sophomore year when Quinn lost her virginity. We all had different goals. Quinn liked to go all the way, but sometimes just a little foreplay type action was enough for her. Britt didn't really like the game at all, she usually just settled for flirting. I didn't really start playing till last year and it was an accident seeing as I was drunk at the time, but I never had actual sex. For this party though, I couldn't really imagine doing anything without having a serious panic attack. I mean that game is kinda what got the Adrian situation going anyway. And I definitely didn't want a repeat of that.
"I think I'll check out who shows up and then make my call"
"Yeah Britt that sounds like a good idea. I think I'll do the same."
Rachel showed up a few hours later and we settled for watching a few movies before falling asleep. Tomorrow was the party and what was possible to be an extremely stressful day for me.
At the Party
People started showing up around 9 and immediately got to drinking. As promised I took my first shot with Puck and continued to be his drinking buddy. I realized that I had been right, with each drink I felt more and more weight being lifted off my shoulders. Any fear of a panic attack was washed down with the fourth shot and third mix drink. We where sitting around the fire in the backyard with my sixth drink in hand when I finally asked,
"So wheres this new girlfriend I've been hearing about?" I slurred.
"Oh uh well her parents are kinda strict so she isn't allowed out past 10 and I didn't want to have to drive her home after I had already started drinking so she is at home. Plus she doesn't really like the party scene."
"Wow and you are willing to put up with that? She must be some hot shit." my nonchalant facade was also washing away with every drink.
"Yeah she is pretty cool, I don't know I just decided that this year i was going to date more and not just hook up. Figure she is my best shot at fixing my 'Man-Whore'ish ways as Rachel calls it" So she was to blame? I'll have to remember that.
"I like the old, real you." I said suggestively as I downed the rest of my drink and went to make myself another. "Where's my girls at?" I asked Kurt when I reached the kitchen.
"Well Rachel drank too much and is now passed out with Finn in one of the guest rooms, and Quinn and Britt are talking care of Artie. Apparently he also drank too much and some of the football guys thought it would be funny to put him in the bathtub and hide his chair."
I soon found a more than frustrated Quinn and slightly tipsy Brittany carrying Artie from the bathroom and putting him into another guest bed. Right when I was about to ask if they needed any help one of the Cheerios ran into the bathroom and started puking her guts up. Quinn looked up at the sound and her already frustrated expression turned to pure anger.
"I WANT EVERYONE OUT!" she yelled "ANYONE I DIDN'T ALREADY GIVE PERMISSION TO SPEND THE NIGHT LEAVES NOW!" Puck walked up right at the end of her outburst.
"Okay relax we'll take care of it." I grabbed Puck and quickly walked away.
"What's her problem?"
"She didn't get to drink 'cause its her own party so she is upset that she is the only one not having a good time." I reached the stereo system and pulled the plug. "ALL RIGHT ATTENTION PARTY GOERS, IF MY GIRL Q DIDNT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO STAY THE NIGHT HERE THEN YOU NEED TO GET THE HELL OUT. I TRUST YOU ALL HAVE DESIGNATED DRIVER? FIND THEM AND LEAVE. OKAY? ALL RIGHT THEN BU-BYE NOW"
"Nicely done Lopez" Puck was also slurring at this point.
"Yeah. Now I need to find the owner of that Cheerio in the bathroom."
Once everyone minus the glee club was gone it was a true kickback. Quinn was able to have a few drinks and calm down. Everyone was getting pretty tired so we were figuring out sleeping arrangements.
"Well, my mom's bed is pretty big so with Rach in the guest room there is probably enough room for the rest of us girls, well assuming that Tina would like to stay with Mike for the night."
With a nod from Tina the rest of the girls started going to the back room. I wasn't feeling sleeping in a bed with that many people.
"Uh Q, I think I'm gonna take your bed tonight, I don't feel like being squished."
"Suit yourself S"
Almost everyone was asleep when I decide to make my way into Quinn's room. Everyone, that is, except for Puck.
"Hey mind if I join you?" Had I been sober I would have thought twice before saying yes. This was a pretty bad idea, but the alcohol seemed to erase my better judgement.
"Not at all" I smiled.
Once in the bed and comfortable, we both realized we still weren't tired.
"So, whats you favorite TV show?"
"Seriously Puck? Thats what pops into your mind right now?" I laughed.
"Got a better conversation starter?" he challenged.
"Fine then. Um I guess it has to be Family Guy or the Simpsons."
"Really? Me too. Uh whats you favorite movie?"
We went on for a while asking and answering pointless questions and laughing at the most random shit. When we finally calmed down from laughing about embarrassing childhood stories I realized that we were now facing each other and just inches apart. Puck took this opportunity to go in for a kiss. I broke the kiss quickly. Even though I was sobering up I didn't feel a panic attack coming on, but I still couldn't do this. Not like this, as much as I wanted to, he had a girlfriend and I was not a cheater.
"Puck no we cant."
"Why not?"
"You have a girlfriend"
"When has that ever stopped me before?" he went in for another kiss and this time I let it happen. I couldn't think of a better reason to stop him. It felt really good but we didn't get far before I pulled away, my better judgement finally coming into play.
"Look Puck I'm not gonna do this with you."
"Why not?"
"You have a girlfriend"
"But you know I've always liked you. I mean I don't even like Crystal that much I was just trying to get over you. We fight all the time because of all our differences. And I'm thinking of breaking up with her."
"Well that all might be true but until you actually do we cant do this I'm not a cheater."
"The way I see it it's not cheating unless there is a ring on the finger."
As much as I wanted to argue against that I really couldn't. Maybe it was because of the remaining alcohol in my system or because I actually like Puck or because being with him just felt really good, but what the hell right? We didn't do much so, in this case, he was right this couldn't be cheating. When we finally fell asleep his arms were securely wrapped around me and I felt safe.
When I woke the next morning and realized I didn't have any nightmares. That night my theory was confirmed, alcohol it the cause and solution to every problem. I just had to assume that Puck was only a small portion of what stopped my nightmares that night.
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