Disclaimer: see previous disclaimers
Chapter seven: Sarah, a doglover?
ooo
The next morning, it started to rain.
They ran back up to the castle, but by the time they reached it, they were both soaked.
Upon entering the entrance hall they once again ran into Lupin and Sirius, who were headed for breakfast in the great hall.
« Morning walk in the rain?» Lupin asked with a smile.
« No, we fell asleep on the shore last night...», Sarah said without thinking, and instantly wishing she hadn't said that. Specially when she saw the weird grin on Sirius' face.
« Oh... really..?» he said, and went into the great hall. After a few drying spells, Sarah, Lupin and Snape followed.
ooo
They had breakfast without a single mention of what Sarah had just said. Not until afterwards, when the three of them were in Lupin's room, playing exploding snap.
Out of nowhere Lupin said, « So are you going to tell us about it, or do we have to ask him?»
« About what?»
« About your date with a certain Professor?»
« It was NOT a date!» Sarah stood up from the table, threw herself on the bed and stared at the canopy. «It was amazing...».
Lupin sat down on the bed next to her, « So you were brewing potions, were you? When you fell sleep on the lakeshore»
Sirius joined them, « Or maybe you were petting his snake again?» he chuckled. They were both lying on their stomachs, and peering at her. She turned around too.
« First of all...Sirius... EW! And it was nothing like that. I just had something I wanted to show him and we sat down by the shore afterwards and got to talking, and then we were lying under his cloak watching the stars, and we fell asleep»
Lupin looked at her, grinning, « If that's not a date, then I don't know what is?!»
«Ok then maybe it became a date, or a datelike thing... but it wasn't planned as one. I just had something I wanted to show him».
It was hard to hear her now because she had buried her face in the matress.
The interogation went on. « So you just ran into him, did you?»
« No I asked him to meet me there»
«So that's what was in the note you gave him at breakfast! I wondered what that was!», Sirius exclaimed, « and that's where you ran of to after you vanished from Hagrid's, ... you've been hanging with that Slytherin for too long»
« Why did you meet up down there, and after dark?»
« Because it was something I only wanted to show him..duh!»
«So to sum it all up», Lupin said in his teacher voice, « you gave the Professor a secret note, telling him to meet you alone by the lake, after dark because you had something to show him. Something 'for his eyes only'. After which you cuddled up under his cloak, and did nothing but 'look at the stars', until you fell asleep in each others arms?»
«How did you know..» she had walked right into his trap. «Aha! So you admit you were in his arms!»
She gave up, she might as well just tell them the last bit too. « Not exactly, I had my head on his chest, and he was stroking my hair so gently, and the sound of his heart was almost hypnotic, so I fell asleep. Are you happy now?»
« You fell asleep listening to his heartbeat? Aaww, that is the cutest thing I have ever heard», Sirius patted her head, « You know what, Moony, I think Sarah fancies her potions professor»
« Waywe wuwt wa wittwe wiwy wit» Sarah said into the matress.
«What's that my dear?».
« Maybe just a little tiny bit» she admitted and turned as scarlet as the drapes on Lupins bed.
She then got up and slid herself under the covers. « I'm taking a nap!»
« Great idea! We haven't slept all night», they said simultaneously and they both slid under the covers too.
Sirius spooning Sarah, who was spooning Lupin.
ooo
ooo
Later that day, Sarah took her new potions book with her and ventured down to the dungeons.
« Busy?», she asked as she poked her head in to his office.
He looked up from behind a heap of scrolls on his desk. « Not more than usual», he muttered before his head vanished behind the parchment again. In Snape language this meant, 'yes, very, but not too busy for you'.
« It's just... I found this really exciting potion in that book you translated for me, and wondered if you had the time to help me make it».
Snape looked at the hundred or so rolls of parchment on his desk. If he got distracted now, he would probably have to stay up half the night to finish them. Then he looked at Sarah, standing in his doorway with that huge book in her arms and an avid smile on her lips.
« I was just finishing for the day», he said and marked the paper in front of him without bothering to read it.
« So what is this potion that can't wait til Friday?», he asked as they went into the empty classroom.
Sarah slammed the book down on a desk and flipped frenziedly through the pages.
«This one!», she exclaimed eagerly.
« Ten thousand tounges tonic?», he read.
It was a draft of language. Who ever drank it would be permanently fluent in any language they chose to make it for. He skimmed through the recipe. It was fairly quick to make, maybe three to four hours, he calculated, but it was very complicated with endless minor details that needed a hundred procent accuracy.
« So you understand why I didn't want to do it alone...», she said as he read on.
Snape grunted a yes. A small mistake and it would be useless. A big mistake and she might blow up the castle.
« I have never heard of this before...», he said, and started to browse through the book.
« I think it is something of a family secret. It says in the beginning of the book, that most of the recipes have never been published and urges you to keep the book only in the family and away from the prying eyes of outsiders», she said as she was darting around gathering the neccesary ingredients.
« And the first thing you do is hand the book over to an outsider?», he said as he re-read the procedure, to make sure he had not missed anything.
« Outsider?! Meaning you? You're not an outsider!», she called from the backroom, « Besides, the more I read the book, the more I feel my ancestors were too paranoid for their own good».
While waiting for her to come out, Snape flipped through the index. Each potion was listed with the name of the one who had made it, or at least added it to the book, and the date of the entry. The very first entry was from March 1209, and it went on through the ages until January 1995.
From what Dumbledore had told him when he sent him to get Sarah, he knew that 1995 was the year her grandmother died, and Branan Kessler had sold his houses in the wizardworld and gone to live with Sarah's family.
He turned to the last entry. The final line caught his eye at once.
'I write this with hope that it will not remain the last entry for long. B.K'
« Where do you keep the diamond dust?», Sarah called again from the back room.
«Next to the lacewing flies», he called back, and thought to himself that Branan's entry surely would not be the last one. Not if Sarah had a say in it.
« And where are the lacewing flies...?», she cried, sounding slightly annoyed.
«Third shelf on the right. The dust is in a blue unlabeled jar...», he said while returning to the index to browse some more. He could surely understand her excitement over the book. Then a name sprung out from amongst the rest. It was one of the names with the most entries. H.C. A. Von Nettesheim. He checked the dates of the entries. They ranged from 1501 to 1532. It had to be the same wizard.
«Did you know you are a descendant of Heinrich Cornelius Agrippa. He is on the chocolate frogs, for goodness sake!», he called to her.
« Yes, Sirius mentioned something about that. He still has the entire collection or something...», Sarah said.
She was still rummaging around for the damn diamond dust. There were four blue unlabeled jars on the third shelf and none contained the dust. She found the lacewing flies on the second shelf, and the only thing next to it was a halfempty bottle of trollsemen. An uncommon, and revolting ingredient, mostly used for potions that involved growth of human tissue, like skelegrow and blood replenishing potions.
She cursed his storage system for the umteenth time, and began looking inside every blue jar she could find. « I can't bloody find it!», she shouted irritated.
With an exasperated sigh, he came to the backroom.
« You just haven't looked properly!», he gnarled, and started to search around for the diamond dust. « There it is», he said and reached up behind her to take a ceramic jar off the fifth shelf on the left side.
Now they were standing face to face in the far too narrow room, and as their eyes met, a very ackward silence fell between them. Sarah brushed his hair back and took his face in her hands, slowly pulling him so close that their foreheads touched. Snapes heart startet pounding so fast that it was humming.
«Severus...», she said in the softest whisper, and looked deep into his eyes.
Snapes heart stopped.
« That... is a green jar!», she snapped, took the jar from him and went back out in the classroom.
Snape leaned back against the shelves and tried to catch his breath, and make his heart start beating again. For a second there he had been sure that she was about to kiss him, and it had turned his knees to pudding.
« That's what I said, the green jar next to the fire centipedes », he said as he came out looking as perfectly composed as a marble statue.
« Whatever... just don't say that I didn't look properly when not even you can make sense of your system, or tell the difference between green and blue», she teased.
Soon all their focus was on the potion and no one cared anymore what color the jar was.
« So why did you decide to forgive Black all of a sudden?», Snape asked while counting up exactly fortyseven grains of diamond dust, and sprinkling them into the now bubbling cauldron.
Sarah smiled to herself. « Let's just say he has a very dexterious tounge...», she said and surpressed what could have been a giggle. « He is still an arse though, and has the sense of humor of a five year old, but he's not all bad..».
Snape gave a sort of annoyed grunt. « What language have you picked?», he asked to change the subject, and thoroughly regretted ever bringing it up.
Sarah had not thought of that, which was a rather big slip, because the ingredients included not only a dictionary and grammarbook of the language of choice, but also saliva from a person that was already fluent in it. She had been so excited when finding the recipe, that she had not thought of actually preparing for it.
« Right! Then I get to decide», Snape said and vanished off into his room, before quickly returning with two books, that he gently slipped into the cauldron before Sarah had a chance to see what they were. Soon the books dissolved and letters were floating around in the potion.
Sarah asked him what language it was. « You'll find out after you drink it...», Snape fleered.
After which he started stirring the potion triangularly, until he stopped, checked the color of the potion against the desciption in the book, and when he found it to be a match, he cleared his throat and spit in it.
A cry of disgust escaped from Sarah, and there was that rare low chuckle that was Snape's genuine laugh. « Stop laughing...I am the one that has drink it», she said and gave him a little shove.
She pushed him out of the way, and took over the stirring. « Same as all men... bloody perverts the lot of you...», she muttered not bothering to mask her smile. « May I remind you that this was your idea, Miss. Kessler...».
«Yes, yes, professor... my idea, so I am the one that drinks the others bodily fluids, ok. I get it. Its not funny».
« By the way, Hagrid is coming up to my room later with a couple of bottles of his latest experiment. Will you come as well?», she asked.
« Dammit!». This was the first time Sarah had invited him up to her room, and he really wanted to go, to be with her, but he knew that it meant that Lupin and, even worse Sirius, were guaranteed to be there. « I can't, I have too much to do after this», he said.
« Is it just because Sirius will be there?», she said.
« Frankly yes. I'm sorry, but I just can't stand the mangy cur», Snape said casually, « so don't try to persuade me, because you will not suceed in changing my mind».
« I wasn't planning on trying to talk you into anything. I just thought I'd ask, because...well, I wanted you to come. How about we have a tasting of our own some other night, just the two of us?», she said and winked at him.
« Did she just...? No, no, Severus, you are imagining things...».
« I think it's ready», Sarah said before Snape had a chance to contemplate further on wether or not she had just asked him on a date.
He conjured up a right sized goblet for her, and poured it brimful. « You have to drink it while its hot, before it separates».
Sarah took it and smelled it. It smelled like dusty parchment, and had the similar color as well.
« Go on...», Snape said. She drained it in one go and forced herself to swallow the thick, creamy tonic.
For a second she looked like she might throw it right back up.
« That bad?», Snape taunted her.
«Worse... it tastes like warm, melted ice cream...», Sarah said, and tried to get the taste out of her mouth, « I hate ice cream...», she complained.
«Potesne me intelligere?», Snape asked. «Estne Latina lingua?! Latine loqueris?!», she exclaimed.
«Ita est, et nunc, tu quoque…», he said.
« Is this a common language in this world?»
« No, hardly anyone bothers to learn Latin these days»
« So you are probably the only one in the school I can share this with...?»
« Probably...», he said, with a little smile.
« Latin...», she muttered as she was clearing away the potions stuff. It was too bad that the potion required a full moon cycles wait between each dose, or she would probably be making a new batch straight away. This was the coolest potion she had come across so far.
« So... I'll see you around, Severus», she said when they were parting ways at the foot of the stairs. Then she bit her lip and hesitated for half a second, before she kissed him on the cheek, and vanished up the stairs, blushing all the way back to her own room.
Ooo
ooo
The night of the full moon, Lupin didn't come to dinner. This was standard. Every full moon, he would sit alone in his room, and wait for the moon light, refusing anyone to be there while he transformed.
Sarah's heart bled for him. She had already covered werewolves with Lupin, and knew what a painful and messy ordeal an involuntary transformation was. Yet as she sat at the head table with Sirius, she couldn't help but feel a little excited that tonight she would get to go with them.
After dinner, Sarah and Sirius remained at the head table, and talked until finally the full moon shone in through the windows. « I have to go. See you in the morning», Sirius said and gave her a peck on the cheek. She waved him off, and waited until he had gone up the stairs, before she went out to the edge of the forest, transformed and waited.
She didn't have to wait for long, soon the massive wolf came running out of the castle, closely followed by the dog, who in comparison now seemed rather small.
They headed straight for the forest, not too far from where she was standing. Sarah crossed the path she assumed they would take several time, and the Seer in her told her that both canines would find her scent strangely familiar and be curious about its source.
And right she was, soon she could both sense and hear them tracking her down. As a horse she could see 360 degrees, which had taken some getting used to. The first couple of times, it had made her seasick, but now she was learing to appreciate this. She could see everything except her own tail, and easily spot the two that were hunting her.
This weird bestial game of hide and seek lastet half the night, until Sarah began to tire of it, and stopped to graze in a clearing, while pondering with some amusement how refreshing the grass tastes. It was weird that the animal form came complete with animal tastebuds as well.She lifted her head and looked around. She had never been this far into the forest alone before, and was not all that sure of where exactly she was, but she was confident that they would manage to track her down. She could sense them closing in on her. Sirius more clearly than Lupin.
ooo
A few minutes later, one excited howl was answered by another one, and the dog launched himself on her. He was growling, but she could sense enough of the man inside to know that it was a playful growl. Lupin came up on her from behind, and they circled her, play hunting like a couple of kids in their parents backyard.
She could sense that both of them were surprised that she had not acted like a real horse no doubt would and ran for it, and that's when she realised that they hadn't recognized her sent, and probably took her for a real horse. « Oh, this will be more fun than expected...so much for wolf-senses Remus».
She threw her front legs in the air and took off, with both of them chasing her. After a while she was far ahead of them, and it seemed they were slowing down. She turned back and chased after them, bugging them until they set after her.
The dog, wolf, and horse played around until dawn was closing in and Sirius and Lupin headed back to the castle. She followed them back, but when they reached the entrance of the castle, Lupin darted up to his room, while Sirius transformed back to human.
He shooed her back in the direction of the forest. « Go on. Go! You can't follow us further. Go back to your herd», he said and slapped the horses rump.
Sarah ran off a bit then double backed and followed him into the castle. « No! Go! Shoo!», Sirius cried, but Sarah just followed him further in.
Sirius stopped and pinched the bridge of his nose. « Dumbledore will kill me...», he muttered.
Despite all his efforts, that horse kept following him, until he started up the stairs. « Hah! You're stuck now. You can't come any further so you might as well go home», he said.
Sarah had no idea how she could walk up those steps as a horse, so she transformed back to human and started up the steps.
« I can't believe you didn't recognize me», she said as she past a moonstruck Sirius whose jaw was dangling to the floor.
« Of course! Why didn't I realize that that was what you were up to with McGonagall!?», he exclaimed and ran up after her. « You sneak! I can't believe you kept this from me the whole time», he said and sounded more proud than anything else.
Sarah just shrugged her shoulders and winked at him.
ooo
Tired as they were, they took the short cut through the staffroom and directly to the guest wing where Sirius' room was. There they streched out on the bed, and meant to sleep, but instead they lied awake talking about Sarah's little surprise.
Sarah was feeling a bit ackward, being alone in bed with Sirius, but kept telling herself that it was no different than when Lupin was with them.
« I can't believe you did that for him Sarah, that was so amazing!» Sirius hugged her.
« Well it wasn't all for him you know, I really wanted to be one, and I wanted to be able to come with you guys. I just wish I had managed to do it in time for his birthday... that was my goal at first, but it was just a lot harder than expected», she said.
« And the fact that you had McGonagall in on the secret too... how did you manage that?» he looked at her, his eyes the exact shade as hers. « I very nicely asked her not to tell anyone until I had mastered it. She told Dumbledore of course, but kept her word and did not mention it to anyone. She is actually very nice, even though she is a very strict, demanding teacher.» Sirius agreed to this, « She is fair, even though she sometimes acts like she has a broom stuck up her ..»
« Sirius!» she had thrown a pillow at him and while trying to duck it, he lost his balance and fell on the floor.
Sarah laughed and streched out on the bed. It was still early, and she wanted a couple of hours rest before breakfast. The black dog jumped up on the bed and settled beside her.
Sarah scratched him behind the ear.
« You know I think I prefer you this way, Sirius ». The dog growled and licked her cheek.
ooo
ooo
Snape had just turned the corner when he saw Sirius and Sarah emerging from Sirius' room. They didn't notice him.
« Sirius, can't we sleep just a little? Please?» Sarah was pleading with him.
« No, we can't spend the entire day in bed, girl. I get too restless, you know that. Oh don't give me that look missy. I know we didn't get to sleep, but I need air. Now lets go and see if Lupin's up»
Jealousy started groling and clawing away that Snapes insides. «She had spent the night alone with Black? In his room?» He felt sick all of a sudden.
After they had made that tounge tonic he had thought that maybe she did in fact like him.
«What did Sirius mean, we can't spend all day in bed? Had they slept in the same bed? Had they maybe...No, they couldn't have... but Black had said that they didn't get much sleep...Had she really...? With BLACK!?».
Anger was now roaring and rampaging inside of him. Shredding him up. Of course had he not been so blinded by his jealousy, he would have rememberd that last night was full moon. That they had not slept much because they had probably been out with Lupin.
He saw them again at the breakfast table. Lupin was not there. Sirius had his arm around Sarah and was whispering in his ear. Sarah giggled and blushed. Snape was sure he would throw up if he sat there another second, and left for a walk around the grounds. His mind racing « She couldn't have! She wouldn't have! Not with him, not with Black. NOT WITH THAT DIRTY MUTT!»
ooo
Snape came upon them again, an hour later.
They were sitting under a tree, Sirius was leaning on the trunk, and Sarah was sitting in front of him, between his legs. Sirius had his head on her shoulder, one hand was guiding Sarah's wand arm in the air, showing her some spell, the other was around her waist.
She seemed so happy and comfortable in his arms. Like she belonged there.
«There is definitely something between them», Snape admitted unwillingly, « how could I not have seen it coming? The way she lights up whenever he comes to visit. The way he is always touching her, holding her hand, playing with her hair. They make the perfect couple, both dark and attractive, same confidence in themselves, not caring what others think.» It was so clear to him now. « After all, how could someone as beautiful as she was possibly want me? Black had always had scores of girls after him. Why should she be any different? Of course she would choose the handsome confident Black, with that bloody 'dexterous tounge of his', instead of a cranky, inexperienced git like me»
But he thought that she lately been so warm to him, so affectionate. In the last month he had been sure that she felt something too. « She was no warmer towards you than she was to Lupin», his insecurity whispered to him. « Oh what a fool I've been, mistaking friendship for-»
«Severus?» He looked up, Sarah was standing in front of him, looking at him in a questioning way. Black was coming after her.
ooo
Sarah had been focusing on the wand-movements Sirius was teaching her, when she felt a sudden fire inside her. It burned with anger, with pure rage. It was not her rage, though. It was not Sirius either. He just felt peaceful and at ease. «But then who?»
She looked around and spotted Snape stitting on a bench not too far from them. «Why was he angry? Had something happened?»
This was a rare thing. She was never able to read so much as a flicker of emotion from Snape, so she knew it had to be a thunderous, overwhelming anger he was feeling now, since not even he could contain it. Then she remembered something she had felt earlier that day, but not thought about.
«Oh fuck»
«Wait here» she said to Sirius and ran up to see what was wrong.
«Severus? Are you alright? What's happened? Why are you angry?» she was sitting next to him now.
«Who said I was angry?» he said in a cold calm voice.
« You don't fool me, Severus. I could feel it, burning inside me, like a fire roaring with fury. Tell me, what's wrong?», she asked, already with an inkling of what it might be.
Sirius had caught up to them now. « Sarah, come on! I am leaving for London today, and you two have a whole month to talk before I get to see you again, You are mine today, come on.. come for a run with me» he turned into the dog, and had his front paws on her lap, panting and wagging his tail.
« Well I guess there is no point in trying to have a conversation with a mongrel like you around.» she said to Sirius and pushed him off her lap. Then she turned to Snape,
« Don't think you get off this easily. I will talk to you later, in private.» she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, transformed and ran off with Sirius.
Snape watched the black dog and black horse running towards the forrest. « Damn them, the perfect bloody couple».
He found himself thinking that how could she have known what he was feeling? She had seemed honestly worried when she came to him. Did she know why he was mad with fury? Did she even care? Had she not just proven that she would pick Black over him? But then again she was right, it would have been impossible to talk with that mongrel around.His anger mellowed a bit at the thought of her calling him a mongrel, and that she had kissed him on the cheek. So softly and affectionately.
ooo
At lunch he was both relieved and infuriated to see that Lupin was alone. Relieved because he did not have to see 'the happy couple', whispering and giggling, but also infuriated because if they were not here...Where were they? «Probably saying their goodbyes back in her room», that horrid voice said to him and a ghastly image of the two of them penetrated his mind.
He felt sick again, trying to resist the urge to run up there and rip her out of Sirius' arms.
Again he decided he needed air, and left. He spotted them standing right outside the gates. «At least they weren't up in her room»
Sirius was stroking her cheek. They both seemed sad. He then hugged her so hard that he lifted her off the ground. He put her down again, kissed her on the forehead and disapparated.
Snape went back inside, he didn't want her to know he had seen them. He was halfway up the stairs when she called for him to wait.
« Shall we have that talk now?» Her eyes were red and slightly puffy. There was an unmistakable sadness in them, yet she was smiling. «Had she been crying? Crying because she would not see her love for a month?» «I am busy, Sarah.» he started to walk away, but she followed. «No you are not, I will not drop it Severus, I want you to talk to me.»
« There is nothing to talk about, I wasn't angry, everything is fine.», «Oh yeah, just peachy», he wished that voice would shut he hell up.
They were almost at the dungeons now. He sped up, so did she. She was almost running beside him now. But he beat her to the door and slammed it shut in her face. She was hammering on the door.
« Severus, I will not let you lock me out. I know there is something wrong, I can feel you with every fiber of my being. Talk to me, please? Don't you trust me?»
Snape was sitting in his windowseat, his head in his arms, trying to block her out. «Leave me alone, wretched girl»
«I will not!» someone said inside him, a softer gentler voice than before.
« Severus Snape! If you do not open this door, I swear on my mother's grave I will blast it open!», she was shouting now, her voice quivering.
This caught his attention, not because of the threat, but because Sarah had never mentioned her mother before. He didn't know she was dead.
« Come in then» he had flung the door open.
She went in and sat down on the sofa. He followed. « Talk to me» she beckoned him to come sit with her.
«... I...this is ridiculous! There is nothing to say...»
Sarah took his hand and squeezed it, « Why are you so upset with me? What have I done, Severus? Please don't shut me out, just talk to me»
« I never said I was upset with you...» he tried to keep hid voice calm. « You didn't. But I know that you were, that you are. But I don't understand why? Is it really just because you saw Sirius and I coming together out of his room?»
« What?» He was so sure, that they had not seen her.
« You are a slow learner indeed,» she smiled at him now, kissed the palm of his hand and placed it on her cheek. « Don't you know by now that I can feel your presence when you are near me?»
He turned to face her, stroking her hair. « Merlin! she is so beautiful!». Something inside him wanted to tell her everything, how he felt, how he wanted her, but was use was that now that he knew she loved Sirius, and not him.
« I just... I care for you. You are a dear friend to me and I don't want to see you have your heart broken. Specially not by that lousy no-good dog!»
« Oh Severus! there isn't anything going on between him and I. We are just friends, nothing more. Sirius isn't... he reminds me too much of... well, no there is definitely nothing going on there. It's sweet of you to worry about me though.» she gave him a warm earnest hug.
« He reminds you of who? And if there is nothing going on, then why were you crying when he left?»
He wanted so badly to believe her, but he needed to be sure. He had to make sure she had not slept with him. «Anyone but Black!», with an undetectable flick of his wand, he thought the word
« Legilimens»
ooo
He could see her, being chased around the forest with Black and Lupin. Then leaving Lupin so that he could change back in private. He saw her and Sirius, sitting on the bed talking about her being an animagus and him transforming back to the dog. They were on the bed, but nothing was happening between them. Sirius changed back and said « lets go eat something»
He could see her as she was galloping away from the bench he himself sat on. Heading towards the forest again. He saw them sitting in a clearing, Sarah was stroking Sirius' hair, and both of them were crying.
Strangely he couldn't hear what they were saying. He moved closer, but the scene melted away.
« That's more than enough Severus!»
ooo
Sarah let go of him and looked nothing short of furious. « How dare you?!», she said in a low, yet frightening growl.
He fell on the defensive at once. « What? It's nothing different than when you read people, is it?»
Sarah let out a sarcastic laugh, « Are you comparing Sight to Legilimency? You idiot! Legilimency is just a vile, crude derivation of Sight, invented by men, jealous of the fact that only women have the gift. You pentrating my mind like that is nothing even remotely near what I do when I See».
« No? You bury your way into peoples inner private feelings just the same!», he said.
« There is a world of difference between what I do and what you just did. When I read someone, I see and feel only what their soul chooses to show me. Whilst Legilimency forces a person to reveal their most private thoughts against their will. Its the same difference as making love to someone, and raping them! », she cried angrily.
« I...», but he meant to argue back, but stopped as her words sunk in. He had never thought about it that way before, and was suddenly filled with self disgust that he had done that to her.
«Oh Sarah! Please, I am so sorry! I just... I was worried about you, and I just had to make sure that.. that...»
« That WHAT!?».
« That... that you hadn't... with...». He let out a cry of frustration. How the hell was he going to get out of this without coming out looking like a damn imbecile?
« You thought that I had slept with Sirius didn't you?!». She flew up from the sofa and glared down at him with her arms crossed.
«Well...yes...» he admitted finally.
« Do you really think that little of me? Do you really think that I would give myself to someone that easily!?». She was really hurt by this.
« NO! I don't... but you don't know him like I do. He changes girlfriends more often than people change their robes! He thinks he's some kind of Casanova, and girls actually fall for his depraved little act! I was just worried you might get hurt ».
Sarah came back to him, and sat down.
« Severus, do I really look like the kind of witch that falls for anything with gorgeous eyes and perfect hair?», she was calm now.
« It is one thing that you feel protective of me, that's almost sweet even, but I can take care of myself. I always have, I don't need anyone protecting me, and nothing gives you the right to force your way into my mind!»
« Sarah, please forgive me. I didn't think about it like that. I didn't realise... I´m a git!», He was begging her now, casting all pride to the wind.
« I forgive you, Severus, but only because I value our friendship too much to want to lose it. Next time you are unsure about someting, just ask me instead. After all how can we be friends if you don't even trust that I am telling you the truth?», she got up again, « But Severus... if you ever, EVER! violate me like that again. Then this friendship will be broken beyond repair. Understood?!» She did not wait for him to reply, just turned and left him there to stew.
Ooo
ooo
After that day, Sarah almost vanished completely. After consulting a few of the professors, she did sign up for her O.W. Ls and was now preparing for them.
Burnett had gratiously agreed to take over her share of Muggle studies, which had grown to about half of the classes, and Sarah did nothing but eat, sleep, barely, and study.
Lupin and Snape both missed having her around. Now they only saw her about once a week during the lessons they had with her. Sarah had stopped coming to meals even.
She would have lunch with Trelawney every day now, because she had signed up for the Divinations exam as well, and the other meals she would have sent to her study.
That way she could read while eating and save precious time. Lupin had joined her for dinner a couple of times, but had given up on the idea. If he was there she would only ignore him anyway, and dive in to a book, or a chart or something, and if he talked, she would shoosh him and point at whatever it was she was reading. All in all it was quite unsatisfactory for him.
Snape, who was a little more understanding of Sarah's desire to be the best, didn't even bother going to see her. Even during potions she was so caught up that she barely sensed his existence, so why would disturb her outside of class.
Sarah had even formed a study group with four Ravenclaw girls whom she knew from Muggle studies. They too were taking their O.W.Ls and they too were as academically competetive as she was. Together the five girls spent the whole of Saturday and Sunday studying. On sunny days they sat outside, in the far boundries of the grounds.
There was less people there, less distractions. Otherwise they sat in the empty potions classroom. Students often asked their teachers to use the empty classrooms for studies, but no one ever dared ask Professor Snape. «This is the benefit of having a staff member in the group», one of the girls had said, when Sarah told them that she had talked Snape into letting them use his classroom.
At first he had down right refused, he would not have a bunch of students messing around in his classroom unsupervised. Then she had reminded him that it was he who had told her that if she just took the exam she would have unlimited access to anything in the dungeons. « And besides, they won't be unsupervised, they'll be with me. I am a staff member, am I not?» she had said to him.
After a million pleases, and explanations to why they couldn't sit in Sarah's room, because she didn't want them invading her personal space, he had finally caved in, but assured her that if so much as a quill of his was out of place, there would be hell to pay.
It was infact the perfect place for undisturbed study, no student ever ventured down here except for classes, terrified as they all were of Snape. She found it amusing that the students were so afraid of him, if they knew the Snape she did... well no one would ever listen to him anyone.
ooo
The month of May went by and turned to June without her even realising it. Sirius had been on his monthly visit, but she barely even had a chance to talk to him.
She went to dinner once, solely because of him, but then Lupin kept demanding her attention.
Actually she hadn't been able to find time to really talk to Sirius, since their conversation in the woods the last time he was here. She hadn't even sent him an owl after that, which he had sulkingly pointed out at dinner. « But I meant to, I just haven't had time to write, or floo you» she had tried to explain, but he still looked sad about it.
In fact he was so hurt that he didn't say even goodbye to her when he left for London again, which hurt Sarah, but she told herself that the next time he came, it would after the exams were over. She would have plenty of time to make it up to him then. And Hagrid? Well she could barely even remember what he looked like.
ooo
The entire staff was beginning worrying about her. With less than a week left to her exams, her lessons had ended and none had seen her since.
The talk in the staffroom usually included her, and how extremly hard she was working.
« She is pushing herself way too hard» Flitwick said to Dumbledore one evening during a staff meeting which Sarah had been excused from.
« Someone should talk to her. She needs to pace down, this must be unhealthy»
« You'll never get her to pace down» Snape had replied without looking up from his notes, « this is who she is. She was a top grade student at every muggle school she went to, and she will not settle for anything less than that now. But I do agree with you, she is pushing herself far too hard ».
« Oh now you are complaining are you?», Lupin had joined in the conversation, « who was it that put her up to this in the first place. Who was it that pushed her to sign up for the exams so soon? If she is pushing herself too hard, it's entirely you fault, Severus!»
« I told her to take her potions exam, I didn't think she would go and sign up for every bloody O.W.L there is!» Snape had snapped back. This was not entirely true, for Sarah had not signed up for the 'Care of magical creatures exam.
Snape and Lupin had continued arguing until Dumbledore had sternly told them to settle down, that this was not a contest to see who worried about her the most. He had already talked to Trelawney, who was now the only person seeing Sarah daily, and Sarah was fine. «She is a smart, strong girl and she was handling the stress without problem.»
« She is indeed a true lioness» McGonagall had commented, after which Flitwick had commented that only a Ravenclaw would be get so lost in her studies, and Sprout had argued with this, saying that only a true Hufflepuff would work that hard at something. The three then started their somewhat friendly bickering about which house she would have been sorted in.
Snape had listened to their arguments and quietly snorted. He could list at least twenty reasons why he thought she would have been in his house, but found it beneath him to argue with the other heads about it.
ooo
The two weeks of exams were over in a blink of an eye. She was sitting out on the grass with the rest of her study group. They had just finished their potions practical.
They were now going over the various exams, and comparing answers.
Sarah felt she had done quite well. She knew that she would pass all of them, but was sure she would get top marks in Muggle studies, she had after all been one for 26 years.
She was also certain of an O in divination, being gifted with Sight, she easily been able to read the examiner and he had been absolutely astounded. He had even asked her if she was related to Sybill Trelawney. Sarah had smiled and said «Technically, all Seers are related», then set off in a tirade about divination history.
It was Trelawney who in the end had convinced her to take her exams. She told her that she would do well in all of them, but had refused to tell her how well. « What is life after all without surprises?»
Sarah was glad she had listend to her, she too had a good feeling about this. She was worried about her potions mark though, not because she didn't feel she had not done well, but because it was the only subject where anything less than an Outstanding would not only dissappoint her, but Snape as well.
ooo
When she came to dinner, Snape was not sitting in his usual seat. Strangely enough he was sitting next to Lupin, with an empty chair between them. «New seating arrangements?». « Just to welcome you back to the land of the living» Lupin said « I think it is safe to say that we both missed you»
Sarah beamed at them. «You actually missed me?». «Of course we did, little sister!».
Snape said nothing, but he didn't have to, just the fact that he was sitting here, beside Lupin, waiting for her, proved to her that he had missed her.
Lupin went on « The entire staff missed you. Some were even starting to wonder if you were still alive» She looked at him, not believing a word « They did not!»
«Well ok no they didn't, but we were all worried. You did go a little loopy the last few weeks.»
Sarah laughed and hugged him « I always do before exams, its probably the reason I get top marks.»
She turned to Snape now, « So how've you been?»
She did not hug and kiss him, like she did with Lupin. He would never have let her do that, not here in the great hall infront of the staff and the entire student body. So she just smiled at him and very discretly took his hand under the table, squeezing it as hard as she could. He still didn't say anything, just gave her the faintest smile, and squeezed her hand so hard it hurt.
«So, how did it go?» Lupin was demanding her attention again
«Oh I think I did fairly well. There wasn't a question I didn't answer, but we will see in a month what my results are.»
« Oh you don't have to wait a month» Snape finally spoke « the results come to the school after about two weeks, then they are registered in the school archives, before the letters are sent out to the students. They..» he pointed out towards the students, «have to wait a month, you only have two weeks of waiting. Dumbledore won't bother sending you a letter when you are right here. You are staying for the summer, aren't you?»
She hadn't really thought of that « I don't know... are you?» she looked from Snape to Lupin and back.
They both nodded. « About half of the faculty stays in the summers. Personally I'll be gone for three weeks, I have some business in Argentina, but I'll back soon», Lupin told her.
«Well then I think I'll stay as well. It'll be nice having Hogwarts all to ourselves, not having to worry about classes and students, won't it?» Again Sarah looked from one to the other. Again they both nodded.
ooo
The last days of term seemed to take ages. There were no classes. The O.W.Ls and N.E.W.Ts were over and last week was for the minor end of year exams. After being so very busy for so long Sarah found it very boring not to have anything to do. Lupin and Snape were busy oveseeing the exams, and even though she daily owled, and flooed with Sirius now, the days seemed to creep by so slowly.
She spent most of her time with Hagrid, helping him out in the forest. It was alright, but she didn't have quite the same relationship with Hagrid. They got along great, and were friends, but it was not the same as with Lupin.
ooo
Finally it was Friday and the students had left on the previous day.
Sarah and Lupin were lying in the grass under their favorite tree, chatting about nothing in particular.
« Sirius is thinking of coming to stay for the summer» Lupin stretched and gave a yawn. She could clearly see the wolf in him. « Dosen't that man have a life?» Sarah was waving her wand, practising some wand movements.
« He gets lonely in that big house. He's all alone there...and doesn't have much to do other than substituting me and the rare, occational mission that Dumbledore sends him on»
«Really? Somehow I always imagined him having a trail of girls coming in and out of that house.»
Remus sat up « What gave you that idea?»
« A certain professor may have commented that Sirius changes girls more often than most wizards change their robes...».
« Well it is true that he used to be like that. He can be quite the charmer you know, but after Azkaban and all that happened in the second war... I don't know, he changed a lot after that. He is not the carefree Padfoot he used to be. He has never said anything, and acts normal, but I can tell. Some wounds never heal», Lupin looked really sad for his bestfriend.
« I know what he went through in Azkaban» Sarah said after a long pause, « he told me, the day after that full moon I came with you. He told me what it had been like after the war. The feelings and thoughts that trapped him for twelve years and what it's like now. I know what has broken inside him» Lupin was taken a back by this. Sirius had never mentioned a word about his days in Azkaban to anyone before, and he downright refused to talk about anything related to the war, or Harry.
ooo
« What about you then, Remus?» Sarah said, to change the subject, «How come you don't have a girl or two waiting on you hand and foot?».
Lupin just looked at her. « Me? Are you joking?»
« No, why do you say that? You are one of the greatest guys I have ever met. You are always laughing, easy to talk to, trustworthy, kind, smart...I could go on forever, and not to forget that you are also quite handsome.»Sarah meant every word, but Lupin still looked at her in disbelief « and not to forget that once every month I turn into a foul vicious beast that would kill even my own mother...»
« But you have your potion don't..» Lupin cut her off « And what happens when if I forget to take my potion? Lets say I get married and have kids, and one night I forget my potion. How could I ever risk endangering people I love like that!»
« But Remus, surely you would never...» but he cut her off again. « You know I almost married Tonks. We were engaged and living together, and for a few months I almost had myself fooled into thinking that I could have a normal life. A family. Reality caught up with me far too quickly. In my bliss and foolish happiness, I forgot to take my potion in time.»
Lupin stopped talking, he was clenching his fists so hard his knuckles turned white. Tears were flooding his eyes, and his voice threatning to burst. « I almost killed her that night! If it hadn't been for her amazing talents as a witch, I would have. Oh Sarah! How could I ever risk something like that happening again? What if I had killed her? Or even worse, what if I had turned her into the same monster I am?» Tears were running down his cheeks now, « I left her the next morning. I love her too much to dare risk anything like that happening again. I could never look her in the eyes after that, after she saw the dark evil monster that lives inside me. The monster that I am!»
Sarah took his head and forced him to look at her, « Remus! You are not a monster! and anyone that thinks so is not worthy of your love. For there is no one more gentle and kind than you are! Don't you dare call yourself a monster again, do you hear me?!»
ooo
Lupin broke down in tears, and when Sarah put her arms around him, she was amazed by how infinitely small he suddenly seemed. Like he had never grown out of that little kid that was ravaged by the wolf. «oh Remus... don't you see that your biggest flaw is that you have abolutely no confidence in your own virtues», she said while she still held him.
As she held on to his shivering body, it felt like she was absorbing his pain. Like a dry sponge thrown into water. It swelled up inside her, and numbed her own feelings, like a drug. It felt selfishly good. She tore down all barriers that Trelawney had taught her to set up, and greedily drew his sad and bitter emotions to her, and she didn't let go until she could feel nothing other than what Lupin felt.
When Sarah went to bed that night, she was still high on Lupin's pain, as it were.
She spent a long time just feeling every nuance of it. It was a strange sensation, feeling someone elses anguish. She felt it so clearly, and yet it was distant and couldn't touch her, because it was not hers.
It was like watching a really scary movie. The fear feels real, yet you can enjoy it, because deep down you know that it isn't.
As she fell asleep she had all her channels open and her guards down.
Ooo
ooo
Snape woke the second the wards on the backroom went off. « Bloody students», he muttered as he got out of bed. Too tired to remember that the students had already left.
Who he found in the backroom, was of course no student. It was Sarah.
She was way in the end of the room, emptying the contents of his potions cabinet on the floor. She was wearing nothing but a far too large t shirt and was standing barefoot on shards of broken glass, and pools of potions from the bottles that didn't have unbreakable charms on them.
« What the hell are you doing?!», he shouted.
« I need that potion!», she said, but it seemed that she was talking more to herself, than to him. There was pure hysteria in her voice. « I know he has it! I know he does! I need it! I need to get them out of my head!», she screamed, and fell to her knees on the floor and rumaging frantically after what ever she was looking for.
« What is going on? What's happened?!», he asked, but she didn't respond to him.
He went over to her and pulled her to her feet. « Sarah, tell me what is going on!», he screamed at her.
She wringed herself free and ran out into the potions classroom leaving a trail of bloody footprints behind her. She started tearing out the drawers of his desk.
« Where is it?! I know he has it! We made it together! I went to Pomfrey, but she wasn't here. I don't know where the hell her room is! They won't leave me alone! I need that potion!», she screamed again, and was pulling at her hair.
Snape put his arms around her and tried to hold her still. « Sarah! Wettle down, tell me what's happened», he said and tried to keep his own voice calm.
Again she fought against his grip and freed herself, but her knees failed her and she sank to the floor, pulling her hair, screaming. « How can I!? How can I calm down, they won't leave me alone! I can feel them crawling under my skin! GET THEM OUT OF ME!» She was clawing at her skin now, bloody scratchmarks appearing on her body and face.
She looked straight at him and whispered, « Sirius...help me..», before her voice burst and she started weeping, still clawing at her own skin.
From a secret space behind one of the shelves, Snape took out a small flask containing a milkywhite potion.
He sat down on the floor with her, gripping her arms with one hand so that she couldn't hurt herself anymore. With the other he almost forcefed her the potion. They sat huddled on the floor, waiting for the potion to take effect.
She was still trying to free her arms. She was still calling for Sirius. Begging him to kill her, to let her tear the monsters away from her skin. He held her hard, refusing to let her go. Whispering to her that is was going to be alright, that he was Sirius and that she was safe with him. As the potion started working, she calmed a bit, still weeping. Her voice cracked and hoarse.
He carried her to his bed, she was falling asleep now, he still wouldn't let go of her. Still whispering words of comfort in her ear. She did not seem to hear him, she was sobbing quietly into his chest. Murmuring, « Sirius, I'm scared», before the potion finally came to full effect and she dozed off.
Ooo
end notes: please, please review people. I love to get feedback. I hope you like it, but if you have complaints, I'd love to hear those too..
Translation of the Latin: "can you understand me?"- Snape
"Latin? you speak Latin?" - Sarah
"yes and now, so do you..."- Snape