Disclaimer: I own nothing not the show and not the music.

Warnings: Mentions of Rape and self harm, and some pretty strong language.

Chapter 5

After that every party we went to I drank more than usual. Before Quinn's party my limit was usually 5 mix drinks and maybe 3 shots. Now it was more like 8 mix drinks and 5 to 6 shots. I guess it distracted me enough to stop my nightmares all together. I was feeling so much better these days. It was like someone had flipped a switch in my head. Of course I didn't drink during the week but my weekend splurges lasted I guess. Parties were becoming my thing. If there was a party I was there. I had hooked up with Puck a few more times. He still hadn't broken up with his girlfriend but that wasn't really my problem.

Its the first day of winter break and so far there wasn't any talk about upcoming parties. I made plans to hang with the girls tonight. We haven't had any alone time together since school started so we figured now was the perfect opportunity. I was just about to text Brittany to see if we all wanted to get together a little earlier than we originally planned when my phone chimed.

Sam Evans

New Message

December 19, 2011 12:34 PM

Hey what are you doing today?

Sam and I have been talking alot lately. He's pretty cool.

Girls night later but nothing right now. Y?

Puck and i wanted to know if u wanted to chill

Sounds dangerous for me ;)

haha no we were just gonna play some COD and i know u said u liked it

Well i do. haha ok ill be over in 5

Cool :)

He only lived on the next street over from me so I started walking. I figured I would stop by for a bit then come back home and get ready for Rachel to come pick me up so we could head over to Quinn's.

I went straight to the basement when I got to Sam's just like I always did.

"Hey Lopez, you ready for this? Cause I'm totally gonna kick your ass."

"In your dreams Puckerman. Sam, maybe, but you suck."

"Well, lets just prove your little theory wrong shall we?"

"Sounds good lets go."

"Wait guys. I thought I'd make this a little more fun for all of us."

"How?" Puck asked.

"With this." Sam help up a bag filled with what I assumed with weed considering there was a bong in his other hand.

"Oh I'm so down. What bout you San?"

"Well um."

"San it will make you feel great and the game will be a lot more interesting."

"I don't know"

"Oh come on don't be a little baby."

"Puck not cool don't be like that if she doesn't want to she doesn't have to."

"Its not that I don't want to. I've always wanted to try it. It's just that I'm going to hang out with the girls later and I know Rach would give me hell if she knew."

"Thats fine ten you don't have to"

"Well whats gonna happen if i do?"

"Your gonna die" Puck said simply, to which I slapped him upside the head.

"I'm serious"

"Yeah Puck just shut up. San everyone is different. Some people get the munchies others just laugh at everything some get really tired. It just depends. Puck here acts like an idiot but I guess thats kinda normal. And I just get really relaxed. Oh some people get really paranoid though."

"But will it be obvious if I go out like that?"

"Like I said it just depends. It might be more obvious to them though because they have known you forever. You can just try one hit and if you don't like it you don't have to do anymore?"

"Alright I'll try it."

"Thats my girl" Puck called from his spot on the couch "Now lets hurry up so I can kick both your asses."

"Dream on Puck."

I ended up smoking alot with them. It was fun and I found out that I get the giggles and the munchies.

By the time I got home I only had twenty minutes until Rachel was due to pick me up. It was a good thing I had everything ready. I ran upstairs to get changed and brush my teeth trying to hide any sign that I had been smoking. I thanked God my parents weren't home cause I was still laughing at nothing. I had to put a handle on that before Rachel picked me up.

Rachel showed up just as I was getting a quick snack from the kitchen. She honked and i ran outside.

"Helloooooo Rachel. How are you doing?" I giggled and she gave me a weird look.

"Hey San. Hurry up lets go."

"You okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine. Well, actually no I'm not but I'll talk about it when we get to Quinn's"

"O-tay"

"Are you okay? You're acting weird?"

"I'm fine. Great actually." She gave me another weird look but didn't push it. Guess I kinda lucked out that she wasn't having a good day otherwise I would have totally been busted.

Once we were all at Quinn's house Rachel spilled about what was bugging her. Apparently Finn was getting on her case about spending too much time with us and never with him.

"That's bull shit. We haven't even all properly hung out together since the first half of our summer. Since school started we only hang out at school and at parties all of which he has been with us too." Quinn was pretty pissed too.

"That's exactly what I told him but he said I should be spending most of my time with him anyway."

"That's stupid I mean its not like we are going to take up your whole break just tonight for sure."

"What does he not like us or something?" Brittany asked.

"Well thats actually something else he brought up. He said that all of you are a bad influence on me."

"Really? Wow! Says the guy that is trying to pressure you into having sex. If you really were influenced that much by us you would have given it up to him by the second week in your relationship." I had to laugh at Quinn's comment.

"Santana this is serious. You shouldn't be laughing." Rachel looked frustrated.

"Oh, right, sorry but it was kinda funny. Q's right obviously he is stupid for saying that."

"So why is it funny?"

"I don't know" I said still laughing "Just the way she said it. Am I seriously the only one who thought that was funny?"

"It was kinda funny but not really funny enough to be laughing as much as you are." Britt said.

"Whatever, so what are you going to do Rach?"

"I don't know, I mean I really do love him but lately he has been so clingy."

"Well, how bout we make tonight fun and just forget about the rest of the world? Quinn is your mom coming home tonight?"

"No, she is away on business again. Why?"

"Cause I brought a little treat for all of us." I pulled a bottle of Malibu out of my bag. "Got any soda to mix this with?"

"Yeah but how did you know we would need this tonight?"

"I didn't but I thought it would be fun either way. So who wants a drink?"

Everyone but Brittany decided to drink. Rachel and Quinn were now laughing about nothing. I was feeling pretty good too. Later I decided to find out why Britt was being all quiet tonight.

"Hey Britt Britt, whats wrong?"

"Nothing. Why?"

"I don't know its just you've been really quiet tonight and I just wanted to make sure you are okay." She just shook her head and we sat there quietly for a while.

"Why do you drink all the time now?" she asked out of nowhere.

"What do you mean? I've always drank."

"Yeah I know but lately thats all you do at parties. It's like you cant live without it now. We used to dance and play games at parties but now you just drink until you pass out. I don't get it that cant be very fun."

I guess I had never thought about it till right this second. She was right it wasn't much fun, and the hangover always sucked, but it's what kept the memories away.

"Alot of the time you look like your fighting something. Like this is a type of safety net that keeps you from being sad. I never really believed you when you said that first week of school was just PMS. I think your doing this to push past whatever was haunting you back then. It's not healthy San. I want to help you but I can't do that if you don't tell me whats going on."

"Britt honestly I'm fine. You know I come to you with everything. That doesn't change now. If I had something to tell you I would. I just like to drink is that such a crime?"

"I still don't believe you. So when you finally come to terms that you need someone to talk to I'll be there to help but don't ask me to sit here and watch you hurt yourself, cause thats what your doing. By not dealing with this, whatever this is, your hurting yourself, mentally and physically."

I reached down and ran my fingers over the scars on my wrist. I'm not sure if she caught on to what those really where or if she was talking about what all this alcohol is doing to my liver but either way she was right. Every once in a while I would get mad that I wasn't dealing with this properly and put another cut on my wrist or my thigh. I'm not stupid I know that by not telling anyone I'm never going to get over it but I don't want to tell anyone either. Don't ask me why, cause I honestly have no idea, but I just cant. Not yet anyway.

"I love you Santana, please let me help you." The look in her eyes was so sincere that I had to believe I could eventually go to her with this. I was hurting her too with all of this.

"Look Britt, your right. Something is bothering me, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I promise though when I am your the first person I'll go to. I love you too."

"Can you promise me something else too?"

"Sure what is it?"

"Stop drinking. Or at least stop drinking so much. Maybe stick to like two drinks a party? Please?"

I was hesitant but finally said, "Sure Britt, if it makes you feel better I'll limit myself from now on."

"Thank you San"

Lets just see how long this last. I have to admit I'm a little nervous. I've been using this as my crutch for a while and I don't know how I'll react to the change, but it will be worth it to make Britt feel better.

So please review. Also, I'm trying to figure out if I should ultimately make this a Brittana story or a Pucktana story, cause I have it written both ways I just need to know which one to use. So please leave me a message and let me know what you think.