Disclaimer: I own nothing not the show and not the music.

Warnings: Mentions of Rape and self harm, and some pretty strong language.

Chapter 7

At noon I decided to head over to apologize to Brittany. It gave her enough time to sleep in and recover from the late night plane ride last night and it gave me enough time to plan what I was going to say. Unfortunately, because I obsessed over it until I started my walk and had the perfect speech, I now had time to think about last nights incident.

How could I be so stupid? I should have know something was wrong the second he avoided my 'What's in this drink?' question. I guess the only upside to this was that I couldn't remember what we did so I couldn't have nightmares. The huge downside was also not being able to remember what we did. Did we have sex? Did he use a condom? What else did he do? Why the fuck didn't anyone stop him? So instead of having my sub-conscience attacked at night I now had to deal with all this stress while awake.

I didn't have time to calm down before my body went into autopilot the second I walked up to Brittany's door and rung the doorbell without knowing what I was doing. The door was almost immediately flung open giving me even less time.

"Santana whats wrong?" Brittany's was in pure shock when she opened the door. I was a little confused by her expression and question but I decided to start my apology.

"Look Britt I'm really sorry about the other day. I was such an idiot to forget the reason behind the promise and"

"Santana" she cut me off "Although I am really upset about that do you mind telling me why you are crying before you go any further?"

Crap I didn't even realize that I was crying, I definitely should have calmed myself down before ringing the doorbell. I must have looked like a deer caught in headlights because she didn't wait for my response before grabbing my hand and leading me to her room.

"Santana you've been acting really weird this whole school year. I mean you started drinking a whole bunch and there are these random cuts in weird places that can't be assumed as accidents, you've had panic attacks that I haven't seen from you since third grade. Then you started smoking and now when you are supposed to be apologizing you show up to my door in tears and look totally distracted, sacred, and paranoid. I know you said you would tell me whats going on when you are ready, but I really think you need to be ready right now whether you like it or not."

Damn she is a lot more observant than I thought. I don't know why, but her saying this with more determination than desperation to get me to talk finally cut whatever small sting that was holding me together. I suddenly started sobbing. It took two seconds for me to turn into an emotional wreck. She broke her determined expression and it was replaced with worry and I think I could sense a hint of fear.

"Santana please whatever it is you can tell me. No judgement. I'm trying to help you here please let me help you."

"Britt I'm so sorry. For everything. I'm sorry for smoking for drinking for lying to you, everything. You have to know how sorry I am about all of this. I didn't mean for any of it to happen. I swear I didn't and I feel so stupid for letting it happen twice." Trying to talk through all my tears was a hard task but I felt like it was finally time.

Brittany took me in for a huge hug and just held me while asking, "Sweetie, please tell me what happened. Twice? I don't know what that means please tell me what that means. It's time for you to stop hurting. Let me help you take the pain away." I could tell she was trying to hold back her own tears. We may not all talk about feelings that often but we knew when each other were hurting and it hurt the rest of us as well.

"It's hard for me to talk about I haven't told anyone yet. Well Puck knows about the second time but I didn't tell him he just found out. I was trying not to tell anyone I didn't want anyone else getting mixed into this. God I'm so stupid. I realized after he talked to me that I had to tell someone and I knew I could talk to you but I still don't quite know how to say it. There's nothing in the world that prepares you to have this kind of talk with someone. I'm scared Britt not so much about the first one anymore but this past one scares me."

"Santana I still don't get it what happened to you? Who did you talk to? I can help you. I will help you. I don't care what it takes I'm going to help you with this but you need to tell me what this is first. I don't care how you say it I already told you I'm not here to judge you I'm here to help. Just say it exactly how it is. I'm right here nothing bad is going to happen to you right here, I'm my arms."

I knew she was right so i went for it. "I was raped Brittany. It happened twice" My voice was so small I couldn't even recognize it. So many emotions went through her face in so little time I don't think I caught them all but she settled on confusion.

"I'm sorry Santana I don't think I heard you right. Did you say you were raped?" I just nodded looking down. She was quiet for a while so I chanced a look at her. I could tell she was trying not to get too worked up for fear of scaring me out of talking. There were so many questions she could ask and I feared most of them.

"Santana I really don't want to say the wrong thing here, but why didn't you tell anyone when this happened? Why didn't you tell me sooner I could have helped. I'm sorry don't answer that but can you please tell me when this happened?"

"The first one happened when I was at Sof's house over the summer and the second one happened last night."

Her eyes widened when I said one happened last night.

"Santana you could still go to the police for the one last night. They can catch this guy and put him in jail. You can punish the bastard that did this to you."

"Britt no I can't do that."

"San its what you are supposed to do when this stuff happens. People like that aren't supposed to get away. They are supposed to get punished."

"I know Britt but honestly I just want this all to go away. If I go to the police it could take months for this all to be over but if I just leave it alone I might be able to forget it sooner."

"Santana its been months since the first incident and you haven't gotten over it yet, at least while you are trying to forget the creep will be behind bars and unable to do this to anyone else."

"Brittany I just don't want to. Taking this to court will just add more stress and I know thats selfish of me to not try to stop this from happening again just cause I can't deal with it but I think I deserve to be a little selfish here. As of now nobody else truly knows what I'm going through. It's hard and I don't want anything else added to that. I know that you are just trying to help me but I don't think doing this will help and its ultimately my decision so can you please just respect my decision?"

She nodded sadly and then said, "San I don't know if this will help you but maybe if you told me the story of what happened, just to get it off your chest, you will feel a little better. I think it's worth a shot. What do you say?"

"That might help a little but please be patient with me I don't know how long it's going to take me and I don't know how I will react to telling someone for the first time."

I spent the next two hours telling her the stories and crying. The three after that were me telling her all the emotions I was feeling after and why I reacted the way I did; the cutting and drinking and smoking that type of stuff. The whole time she was against the backboard of her bed and I was wrapped in her arms. I really did feel safe there, really like nothing bad could happen as long as I was here like I was finally home. Without even saying a word, just listening to all I had to say she was slowly helping me heal.

"Thank you for this Brittany, your really helping me out here."

"That's what I'm here for Santana, I would do anything to help you with everything. I love you, your my best friend."

"I love you too Britt. I'm so glad your my best friend." With that we fell asleep it had been a stressful day and we had school tomorrow.

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