Disclaimer: I own nothing not the show and not the music.

Warnings: Mentions of Rape and self harm, and some pretty strong language.

Chapter 9

The two weeks after Prom went by with not much happening. Britt and I spent most of our time together and I could tell Sam was trying to get me to spend more time with him again. I changed the routine and only spent one day out of the week at his house and the rest either with Brittany alone or with Britt, Q, and Rach. Today, Saturday, its all three of them.

"So I think I'm going to break up with Sam." They all took their attention away from the movie, Sex in the City, our favorite, and Q and Rach looked at me shocked, while Britt just gave a sad smile. I had talked to her about this before. Basically, I still can't get over being uncomfortable around him. I was hoping it would ware off in time but it hasn't so far and I don't like feeling this way everyday.

"Why? I thought everything was going great between the two of you?" Rachel was the first to speak.

"Yeah thats kinda sudden, have you been wanting to do this for a while? Or is it so sudden cause you met someone else?"

"No, he's a great guy and pretty much the perfect boyfriend, but I can't do it anymore. I'm not sure why, but lately I just feel like I cant do the relationship thing anymore. And no Q there isn't anyone else. And its not even that I don't love him cause I do but its not in the relationship way anymore." That was true too even though it wasn't everything.

"Aww he is going to be crushed, he talks about you all the time the boy has it bad for you."

"Thanks Rachel you're really helping me with this" I replied sarcastically.

"Oh sorry S, its just that me and him have actually gotten to be really good friends since you two started dating" She looked at me sadly.

"Well, its not like you have to stop that. I don't hate him or anything I still want to be friends with him. I know like every ex-couple says they are still going to be friends but I'm actually determined to make it work."

"I'm sure you will make it work S." Brittany smiled at me.

Monday

"Hey Sam do you have a second?" I stopped him before going into Glee Club. I know it probably wasn't the best time considering we then had to spend the whole practice with each other, but I also didn't want to continue to lead him on the entire rehearsal.

"Always, for you" he smiled, which only made me feel worse. My heart started beating really fast and I looked down at my feet.

"Look Sam you're a great guy and an amazing friend, and I really feel like the two of us work best as just that, friends. I love you, but I just cant be in a relationship with you anymore. You're like the best guy friend I have and I really don't want to loose that. So, do you think we can go back to just being friends?" I chanced a look up at him and even though he looked disappointed, he didn't look angry or too sad.

"Sure San. I love you too, and if I cant be your boyfriend, I would definitely still like to be your friend." He kissed me on my cheek and smiled, "Now come on we can't be late to practice."

It went a hell of a lot easier than I had worked it up to in my head. Maybe it was just from experience, but I expected slamming doors and forced relationships. Of course Sam would never do that, but when you're scarred like that you tend to be overdramatic with everyone. It's not fun to only see the worse case scenario in every situation but its become my reality.

I felt a smile take over my face and a sudden weight off my shoulders. I didn't want to seem too happy considering I might have just broken somebody's heart, but I really was. I was immediately met with Rachel and Quinn the second I sat down.

"So I take it you're single now?" Quinn asked.

"Yup"

"How'd he take it?"

"I don't know he seemed okay" I looked over at him talking to Finn with a sad expression, "but he could have just been faking."

"Well, I'm sure he'll be fine soon."

"Hey Quinn, did you hear Britt has been talking to Artie. He really likes her and I think she might like him too." Rachel was the one to drop that.

"Wait, what? Britt and Artie? How do you know that?" I couldn't control the surprise in my voice.

"She told me yesterday, I practically had to drag the words out of her myself that girl is so private with that type of stuff. Wait, she didn't tell you? Haven't you guys been spending like every waking minute together?"

"Yeah we kinda have but no she didn't tell me."

"And you didn't notice her on her phone more often lately?"

"I just figured it was someone from the Cheerios like always."

"You sound upset S, why do you care so much?" Quinn felt the need to point out.

I hadn't really thought about that. I guess it's cause I expected she would tell me before anyone else. It kinda stung to know that she had been keeping this from me. I'm not sure why it hurt so bad though.

"I don't. I'm just surprised she didn't tell me. That's all."

"Yeah well you know how she is. She's very private."

I knew that but really after everything I have told her I would expect her to tell me about something as small as this. So if its so small why do you care so much? Well, I guess I can't answer that.

Friday

Nothing had really changed with the whole Artie Brittany possible relationship so far. She did end up telling me about it though. I told her that Rachel had already told me and suddenly she seemed really embarrassed and felt really bad. She apologized to me like fifty times and kept saying that the only reason she hadn't told me was because she didn't want me to get upset with all the progress I was making. I got confused and asked what she meant by that but she just said that she didn't want me to think that if she starts dating him that she will have less time for me.

I didn't think thats what she really meant by that but I didn't let it bother me. Right now I had a bigger problem. In all the excitement that I was healing faster this time I hadn't realized that my monthly gift from mother nature had yet to come. I must have been quite distracted considering it was now a month overdue.

I have always had very regular periods so to say this worried me was an understatement. And to say I was pissed when I found this out was the understatement of the year. I mean seriously, how could someone be so fucked up in the head that they would do this? I didn't want to say anything right away cause I mean it could still be from all the stress I've been going through lately right? It didn't absolutely mean there was a baby. Right?

Tuesday

I was excited to say the least that I started to feel the familiar infamous pain in my lower abdomen. It wasn't the usual pain but I didn't care. Pain meant Aunt Flow and that meant no baby. When it came time for Glee Club the pain was bordering on unbearable. Knowing that I was going to have to be practicing an intense routine didn't comfort me.

"Hey S, you feeling okay?" Brittany gave me a worried look.

"Yeah San you look like shit."

"Well thanks Q, you really know how to make a girl feel good about herself. I'm fine. I just have really bad cramps right now. I can't imagine dancing around with these. Can you both just let Mr. Schue know I went home?"

"Sure but how are you going to get there?"

"Um I'll have Ricky come pick me up."

"Okay are you going to be okay by yourself until then?" Brittany looked at me worried and for a second I thought she was going to ditch practice too.

"Yeah Britt I'll be fine. Text me later?"

"Definitely"

"See you guys later."

"See ya San"

Ricardo took me home but then took off again to go to his girlfriends house. Some brother right? I don't think he even noticed I was in pain.

I barely made it in the door before I felt the need to throw up. I always got that way when I was in intense pain. I stayed curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor trying to think of anything but the pain. When my mother came home from work thats exactly how she found me.

"Ricky what are you, oh San it's you. What are you doing home so early? And why are you on the bathroom floor? Have you been puking?"

"Yeah. Horrible pain, couldn't get up to get meds, help please." I was able to gasp out.

She gave me an amused smile before saying, "What kind of pain?"

"Felt like cramps. Much worse. Please I need the meds."

"Did you start today?"

"Ma, please, I'm dying here get the meds and then we will talk"

"Alright alright, geez someone is grumpy." Yeah cause this is so fucking amusing right. Your daughter is dying on the bathroom floor and you want her life story before just helping her.

"Okay now whats your problem?"

"I'm in extreme pain right here." I pointed to where it hurt.

"Does this hurt?" she asked poking my stomach.

"Ouch! Yes that fucking hurt."

"Watch you mouth young lady. Well, San thats the same thing Ricky did when he had appendicitis. I think we should take you to the emergency room"

"A whole car ride? I don't think so, I might throw up all over your car."

"Well then you will clean it all up as soon as you are better. Let's go."

"Why can't Papi just fix it when he gets home?"

"Cause you father is a Cardiologist. Now get in the car"

"I don't want to move."

"Fine you can die right there then."

"Ha. Ha. You are hilarious Mama."

"Not trying to be funny, but I got you to move."

By the fourth hour waiting in the ER I was frustrated. The pain had gone down considerably. In fact it had disappeared. Mama wouldn't let me leave though. She used the stupid 'better safe than sorry' excuse.

Finally my name was called and I was led to the back.

"Hello Santana, how are you feeling?"

"Much better now, do you know what happened?"

"Well, the tests came back negative for appendicitis, so we are not really sure. It seems that your white blood cell count is a little higher than normal and that is a sign that your body is fighting some sort of infection but it wasn't one that our test could fine. Basically you are healthy."

"Basically?"

"Well, like I said your body is fighting an infection but its not appendicitis or cancer so what I'm saying is you don't need any treatment right now."

"So then why were my pains so bad?"

"I'm not quiet sure, but I do have a theory," He paused almost like he was nervous to ask the next question."

"Go on" I said to reassure him.

"Santana are you sexually active?"

It was my turn to pause. This man knew my father.

"Don't worry Santana anything you say in here is safe, I cannot legally tell anyone including your parents since you are of age."

"Okay, then yes I have had sex before." Not consciously but I guess I didn't have to tell him that part.

"Okay, and was this menstrual cycle later than usual?"

"Y-yeah it was" I started to get really nervous.

"Santana I could be wrong but I think you might have had a miscarriage. The area of the pain and the intensity of it fit perfectly."

At that point I lost it. I was pissed. At myself, at stupid asshole fucking bastard Jake. I was sad, I mean even though I didn't actually want to be pregnant and have a baby didn't mean I wanted to have a miscarriage. It was my fucking fault this happened. Why was I so fucking stupid? I realized that I was freaking and crying and gasping for breath when I saw the look on Doctor Anderson's face. The man looked terrified.

"Um sweetie do you want me to go get your mother?"

"No" I practically yelled "no she doesn't need to know about this. She would be so disappointed"

"Santana this isn't your fault you know? Things like this just happen sometimes. There isn't always an explanation."

"Well, that may be true but it's my fault I got pregnant in the first place."

"It might help you if you talk about this with someone and your mother is a wonderful woman she could really help you."

"I have friends to help me through this. Just give me a few minutes and I'll be out of your office."

"Alright sweetie, take your time."

It took me five minutes to calm down and another five to clean myself up. I sent a quick 'S.O.S' text to Brittany, that had become our code word, and was off to get my mother so we could go home.

"Hey hermosa, how'd it go back there? What's wrong with you?"

"They couldn't find anything. He said I'm healthy. Can we go now? I'm hungry."

"Yeah lets go."

Brittany Pierce *:)

New Message

April 10 2011 7:35PM

San I'm so sorry, I'm at a baseball game with Artie and his family I'll come to your house after I promise. Just stay calm and breathe. I'll be there as soon as I can. I love you. :)*

For some reason I really cant explain this pissed me off. But fine whatever I know someone else that can help me when times get hard.

Puck what r u doin? I need your help :(

I got his response almost immediately

Puck :)

New Messsage

April 10 7:37PM

Be at yours in 5? whats wrong?

Reply: I'll tell you when you get here. we r going to the park so just wait in ur car.

"Mama I'm gonna go to the park with Puck. He's coming to get me in 5 minutes."

"Okay don't stay out too late it's a school night."

He showed up exactly five minutes later and we were off to the park. We didn't talk on the way there but I could tell he really wanted to know what was going on. We pulled into a parking spot and sat in the bed of his truck just watching the sun setting.

"San I'm starting to get worried what's wrong?"

"I had a miscarriage" I said just above a whisper.

"What? Wait who? Please tell me it wasn't Jake I'm really going to kill that fucker now."

"Puck please? Just be here with me right now?" I was crying at this point very close to sobbing, but I was trying my best not to totally break down. He calmed down immediately.

"I'm sorry San. Shit I'm so sorry" He sat me on his lap and just held me while I cried into his chest. "It's gonna be okay you know? I know everything seems shitty right now but I promise you everything will get better eventually. I'll make sure of it."

by this point I lost it and started sobbing. I couldn't find the strength to answer so I just nodded my head.

"San I've got you, you're safe, I'm here, everything is fine. Man I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are one of the best people I know, you don't deserve any of this. I can't help but blame myself, it was my party, I knew you were out there by yourself, I should have been there for you then I'm so freaking sorry." I could tell by the way his voice shook at the end that he was on the verge of tears.

"Puck its not your fault, it's mine, I was stupid. I shouldn't have accepted that drink."

"San lets be real here. Jake is the fucker at fault. Don't you dare blame yourself for one second, but I really am sorry. I swear to everything that I'm going to help you through this, no matter what I'll be here for you. Just think of me as your personal bodyguard." I had to laugh a little at that, only cause I knew he was going to take that job to a whole new level.

"Thank you Puck, your a great friend, I love you."

"I love you too San. And I'm serious everything is going to be okay."

After about a half an hour we both decided we should probably get home. It was a school night. When Puck dropped me off, he leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek, it was innocent and comforting so I gave him a tight hug back and thanked him again. before I pulled away he whispered in my ear, "Don't forget San, day or night, whenever you need me I'm here." I nodded and left his truck.

As I was walking up my walkway I noticed someone sitting on my porch. I tensed and slowed my walk.

"Don't worry San it's just me"

"Damn Britt way to give me a heart attack"

"Sorry. Your mom said you were out with Puck so I just decided to wait out here."

"Oh I'm sorry. Where you waiting long? Don't you have to be home?"

"I was only here for ten minutes and I already talked to my mom, as long as its okay with you and your family I'm allowed to stay here tonight, if not she said she would come pick me up, I had Artie drop me off here right after the game."

"Of course its fine. How is your relationship by the way?"

"Not really a relationship, we just like hanging out together."

"I heard he likes you a lot." Bitterness was threatening to break though.

"Yeah well he's not really my type. So what was the S.O.S about?"

"Uh lets go upstairs, I don't want to talk about it down here."

Once we were in my room, Things got a little awkward.

"Do you mind if I check?" she was talking about the cutting. It was routine, every time I sent an S.O.S out she had to check me for cuts.

"Go ahead but your not gonna find anything."

"Good" But she didn't make a move.

"So, go ahead"

"No. It's okay I trust you."

"Oh okay."

"So what happened?"

I told her the story but this time I didn't break down, just a few tears.

"Oh San I'm so sorry. That's horrible, and I'm really sorry I wasn't here right away. I should have been. That wasn't fair to you."

"Don't worry about it Britt, I would have preferred you, but Puck was actually really good with helping me deal with this."

"You actually told him?"

"Yeah, I figured, next to you, he is the only person that knows so it made sense to tell him."

"Oh well thats great." She paused awkwardly and then asked shyly, "so do you like Puck?"

"Um, I mean he's cool and everything and I love him, but its more like brother sister love. So no."

"Why do you think that is?"

"Well for one he seems like he is really in love with this new girlfriend, and I'm happy for him. Other than that, it's like I told you before, I just don't feel comfortable around a lot of people right now and even though I know I can trust him one thousand percent, I don't know, I feel like if I am in a relationship with any guy and it comes to the point were we are supposed to take the next step I'll totally freak out and have flashbacks. I know it doesn't make sense, and hopefully one day I'll get over this fear but for right now I just don't think I could handle that." The tears started up again. I really hated being so damn emotional lately. Britt pulled me into another hug and I still couldn't comprehend the way she made me feel with something as simple as putting her arms around me.

"No, San don't worry about it, that totally makes sense. I'm sorry I brought it up." She kissed the top of my head and I completely relaxed and melted into her arms.

"It's alright Britt. So what was it this time?"

"What was what?"

"The reason you can't date Artie. You always find the tiniest thing and its like a switch is flipped and suddenly you have absolutely no interest in the person pursuing you."

"Is that seriously what you all think? That I make up stuff to get out of dating?"

"I don't think you are making stuff up your just really picky is all. That's not always a bad thing, just means you know what you like. But seriously, what was it this time?"

"Nothing."

"Come o' Britt there had to be something."

"It's just," she mumbled something that I couldn't quite catch.

"What was that?"

"I like someone else."

"Oh mind telling me who?"

"Yes"

"Yes? You'll tell me?"

"No. Yes I mind, so I wont tell you."

"Oh come on Britt. You cant tell your best friend in the whole wide world?" I said with a pout. I wasn't really sure why I cared so much but something inside me was screaming at me to get this information out of her.

"Nope. Wow I'm tired." She yawned but I could tell it was fake. "I think its time for bed we have school tomorrow."

"Fine meanie I'll get it out of you at some point though you can count on that." I said with mock annoyance and stuck my tongue out at her.

Once we were in our pajamas, we crawled into my bed. It finally hit me how tired I was, but it only made sense, it was a long and stressful day. I grabbed Brittany's hand and made it so her arm was wrapped around me and our fingers were intertwined.

"Night Britt Britt. I know your tired of hearing it but thank you. I love you."

"Night San, I love you too." She kissed my head and I was sure it wasn't going to take long for me to fall asleep. About five minutes went by and I could feel Brittany shift around behind me, never breaking our hands apart. It felt like she was resting on her elbow and I could feel her eyes on me. She sighed. I was about to roll over and ask her what was wrong when she started talking.

"San, why do you do this to me?" I'm almost positive she thought I was asleep so I was going to interrupt, but a huge part of me really wanted to know what she was going to say. "I really wish I could just tell you, but I know that with everything going on right now it just isn't the right time. I should have just told you when I wanted to at Rachel's beach house. Then, hoping you feel the same way, none of this would have happened to you. I'm so sorry San. Listen to me I sound like I'm talking to someone in a freaking hospital that is about to die." I had to fight a really strong urge to laugh at that statement. "I'm in love with you San, and its wrong for me not to tell you and keep being this close to you. Now your going to totally freak when or if I tell you. Everything will change and I'm don't want to loose you. Being your friend means the world to me and I don't want to mess that up." She sounded like she was going to cry and it broke my heart to pieces. I felt her place a kiss on my shoulder and fall back onto the bed. Her breath evened out and I was positive she fell asleep.

My mind went over her confession a countless number of times. I can't believe I had been so blind to this. She's my best friend and I over looked what seemed to be her biggest burden as of late. How could I be so selfish? I was probably hurting her every time I cuddled with her or said I loved her or kissed her, even if it was innocently on the cheek or head. Then it hit me. Maybe I'm in love with her too. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so attached to her lately, and maybe that feeling I had towards her and Artie's relationship was jealousy. Holy crap I'm in love with my best friend, and she loves me back. Now what? I'm not supposed to know she's in love with me.